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AIBU?

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Original poster

60+ year old man asking to share bed with 4 year old?

225 replies

adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 05:40

NC for this

Would you feel it is very odd that a 60+ year old man (my step-dad, non-biological relative to my DD) openly asks a 4 year old child (my DD) to share a bed with them?

I left DD with DM and step-dad a couple of weeks ago for a few hours in the evening and returned to be told by DM that she had 'gone to bed' with him. I was shocked and it would not have been agreed to had I been there. I knew he had drunk several pints and just found it very odd.

Yesterday went to their house again after a family get-together, no intention to stay over. Step-dad announced he was going to bed, DD was watching a cartoon film and colouring and he openly in front of me and everyone asked her 'do you want to come up and sleep with me'. I was kind of Shock and glad she said 'no' but..?

It made my skin crawl, is it just me?

OP posts:
Monoblock67 · 31/12/2017 07:58

Christ no OP this is bizarre behaviour. I would be not allowing any unsupervised contact for your DD with either of them, and no more overnight stays.

Nanna50 · 31/12/2017 08:00

NSPCC talk pants www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/underwear-rule/

As per the other thread I would speak to the NSPCC and meanwhile either keep my DD away or closely supervised. You are not overreacting you are simply protecting your DD.

FWIW it is not unusual for any of my DGC to sleep in the same bed as a parent or grandparent and I loved snuggling into bed with my grandparents. That includes both me and my DH and has included day time naps so I don't have any preconceived ideas that it is not right, however like you my spidey senses are tingling. It seems wrong on so many levels, does he see your DD regularly in general?

Without any other risk it is inappropriate for any child to be in a bed with anyone who has drank so heavily. I would use the alcohol angle to ask your mother how did that situation arise? Did SF suggest it was DD unsettled etc. I do wonder how did others react when he asked if she wanted to go upstairs?

juliesaway · 31/12/2017 08:02

At the very least it’s highly unusual behaviour.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 31/12/2017 08:03

Oh come on!

LouHotel · 31/12/2017 08:04

Its just a completely odd offer to your 4 year old.

OP please remember that children can have the versiom of normality skewed by adults so when put in the same position again where your step dad asks her to go upstairs its your responsibility to say no. If your DD says yes it doesnt mean its ok.

I would get further advise from nspcc about how to proceed.

Buck3t · 31/12/2017 08:06

No Cerco, some of these comments are unreasonable. It is completely fine for grandparents to sleep in the same bed with DGC.
There's an aunt upthread who wouldn't sleep with her nephew, which caught my attention as I just had my nearly 4 year old nephew and slept in the same bed sometimes, he sleeps with my mum whenever he stays there. my kids still do when they stay as well.

However (and this is key), what is described by the OP is not normal and I too would be very scared if I was her. NSPCC, Police, Bernardos would all be called if it were me.

BluePlasticBuddha · 31/12/2017 08:06

Not normal.

He's normalising it. (Hiding in plain sight).

Your mother is enabling it.

Neither of them should be around your child.

I'm so sorry.

LoveProsecco · 31/12/2017 08:09

YANBU this isn't ok.

Seek professional advice before even gently questioning your daughter

ThanksThanksThanks

Original poster
adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 08:09

shockers no she did not look bothered by the suggestion, just a straightforward ‘no’ and perhaps slightly irritated that she was interrupted in what she was doing

the first time, we had agreed that DD should be put in her pyjamas before I got back so that I could easily put her into the car when I returned. GM has a spare room with 2 beds that the GC regularly sleep in so that was where I would have expected to find her if sleeping, rather than with SD in their room.

the second time - there was no reason to ask as we were only there after a family meal elsewhere.

harriet other family (except children/teens and DM) were in another room so didn’t hear him ask.

squashy yes that was one of my first thoughts, even if it’s innocent, I don’t want DD to believe it’s a normal thing to ask of her. Because then she isn’t protected against others asking the same or similar.

thanks math I don’t know the step-siblings well to talk to, so don’t feel I can ask them something so sensitive

nanna no they don’t see DD a lot, less than other GC.

OP posts:
givemesteel · 31/12/2017 08:12

Definitely not appropriate. My 3 year old DD has a very close relationship with biological GP but my dad would never share a bed with her as he would know it could look inappropriate.

You need to be explicit with your mum and step dad that you do not want DD to be asked to do this again. Even if it was innocent it gives a young child the impression that sharing beds with adults is normal and OK, which puts her at risk.

I don't think I would ever feel comfortable leaving my DD there again after this as even if he respects your request not to do this if he does have unpure motives he'll find another way.

I would absolutely have a chat with DD about what happened on that occasion, and tell her what he asked her to do was not normal.

Is he generally inappropriate in with social boundaries or is it just with your DD? Agree mouth kiss with someone one else's child you've never met is inappropriate. Does he have his own biological grandchildren?

BubbaLips · 31/12/2017 08:16

i would be Hmm at thos aswell op

Original poster
adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 08:18

giveme I haven't noticed him being generally inappropriate with social boundaries

yes he has biological GC, of which 3 others (1 now late teens, others around age 10) are female.

OP posts:
TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 31/12/2017 08:21

It might be interesting to find out if he does this with male grandchildren. I know male paedos often abuse boys but if he doesn't do this with his step grandsons it might be a red flag, or yet another in this case.

lurkingnotlurking · 31/12/2017 08:22

It's not normal. And he is an alcoholic (which is another red flag). Protect away, Op.

YoungBritishPissArtist · 31/12/2017 08:22

Trust your instincts and keep your DD away from this man.

Monoblock67 · 31/12/2017 08:25

Taking away from the inappropriate nature of it-he shouldn’t be sharing a bed with her if he’s been drinking anyway.

pinkblink · 31/12/2017 08:25

Would it be an issue if it was a step grandmother and a male child? Would she be classed as a pervert?

Believeitornot · 31/12/2017 08:28

Sorry but based on what the Op has said this is not normal. And wouldn’t be normal if it was a step grandmother FFS Hmm

It is this sort of subtle normalisation which means people will ignore their instincts.

OP I wouldn’t have my child anywhere near this person I’m afraid. Not a chance.

Nanna50 · 31/12/2017 08:29

nanna no they don’t see DD a lot, less than other GC

Then his behaviour would concern me even more, I think you have already decided he can not be trusted I agree with pp who advise you to seek help before you speak to your daughter.

It may have not entered your DMs head so I wouldn't automatically think she is not to be trusted.

emmaj987 · 31/12/2017 08:34

Very very inappropriate in my opinion.

If its completely innocent the right thing to do would be to speak with you first in any case.

CercoCasa · 31/12/2017 08:34

Thanks for the reassurance.

I cant believe this man had the brass b*lls to ask in front of family...who does that. Keep DD far away

Sshsecretenclosed · 31/12/2017 08:36

I think in isolation it might not appear concerning, Dd sleeps in same bed as a family member, HOWEVER!! the other information given by you OP makes it really concerning!

I agree with the others, alcoholism, normalising behaviour, it just doesn't appear right. Advice is definitely needed from the nspcc on how to approach this very awkward and difficult conversation and what steps need to happen next. NSPCC's Pants campaign too for your little one. Giving children ownership over their body and their right to say no. This is a, ' what if.....' and it might never happen but if you hadn't have been with dd at your mum's that afternoon, would she have got a choice to go and lay down? Would she have had the right to say no? It's certainly worth considering.

JohnHunter · 31/12/2017 08:42

Is it worth casually asking your DD about this? Not leading questions but give her an opportunity to tell you about the first time this happened? I would certainly let your DM know that this isn't acceptable behaviour.

AvoidingDM · 31/12/2017 08:45

Any adult asking a 4 yo to go to bed with them is plain weird at any time of day or night.

But a 4 yo staying over who wakes up in the middle of the night going into a adults bedroom looking for comfort and ending up in their bed is normal.

I think I'd speak with the police. Somebody of that age isn't suddenly going to take an interest in young children he will have done it before. But then again it's innocent until proven guilty, just because he hasn't been convicted doesn't mean he's not done it before.

BootsAndCatsAndBootsAndCats · 31/12/2017 08:48

Pinkblink - I'd think it was odd and inappropriate yes.* But I also think this sort of question shies away from the fact that the vast vast majority of sex offenders are male. Let's not ignore that.*

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