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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

60+ year old man asking to share bed with 4 year old?

225 replies

adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 05:40

NC for this

Would you feel it is very odd that a 60+ year old man (my step-dad, non-biological relative to my DD) openly asks a 4 year old child (my DD) to share a bed with them?

I left DD with DM and step-dad a couple of weeks ago for a few hours in the evening and returned to be told by DM that she had 'gone to bed' with him. I was shocked and it would not have been agreed to had I been there. I knew he had drunk several pints and just found it very odd.

Yesterday went to their house again after a family get-together, no intention to stay over. Step-dad announced he was going to bed, DD was watching a cartoon film and colouring and he openly in front of me and everyone asked her 'do you want to come up and sleep with me'. I was kind of Shock and glad she said 'no' but..?

It made my skin crawl, is it just me?

OP posts:
Dowser · 31/12/2017 16:48

Definitely a huge no in my book and I would never leave my child alone with them.
What a horrible suggestion

Dowser · 31/12/2017 16:51

My dh is the same bobster with my grandchildren.
He wouldn’t be my dh if he wasn’t

Confusedbeetle · 31/12/2017 16:52

This is absolutely appalling and in no way should your child be anywhere near this person. Say so as loudly as you like to all around him. You should talk to the duty officer for childrens services Social Services. This person need watching like a hawk. Tell your little one it is not ok and tell her to tell you if anyone touches her , does or says anything she doesnt like. Try not to question her as she may not be fully aware

Confusedbeetle · 31/12/2017 16:54

Also talk to your mother seriously about the inappropriate behaviour. If she thinks it ok then the child cannot be left with her

TheMaddHugger · 31/12/2017 17:11

Who the Hell was the 'spanker' ? WTF ?

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2017 17:30

Reading further information, this sharing the bed with grandad is definitely not what she wants, it would have happened again if you had not been there. Goid on her for being assertive enough of who can or cannot touch her. He sounds as creepy as hell.

Mxyzptlk · 31/12/2017 18:25

If she thinks it ok then the child cannot be left with her

The child cannot be left with her anyway as she trusts SD and might think it was okay to nip out to the shop or to have a bath, leaving him with DD.

OP, please do not ever leave your DD with either of these people. And speak up if they try to make her kiss or cuddle them.

You could tell them you feel ill, to get out of the upcoming situation where SD was going to mind DD.
I'm sure you do feel ill at the thought of leaving her with him.

zenlady2 · 31/12/2017 18:42

DO NOT LET THIS MAN NEAR THIS CHILD,PLEASE........Your job is to protect,please please please,take the child to one side,ask gently,not directly,has,did,anything happen,start of by asking,did he(60yr old man) read you/tell you a story at bedtime,remember kids that are usually are threatened with aany made up story to stop them from telling about the abuse,that age if it's been constant,they will think,(after being TOLD)this is normal...PLEASE KEEP THIS CHILD AWAY FROM THIS MAN....do not accuse suspected perpetrator,he could react badly(violently) talk to the child gently,this is not normal and even though assumptions are dangerous,kissing a baby on the lips,when it's not related to you,IS TOTALLY INAPPROPIATE..... i was a victim of sexual abuse at 5yrs old...the clear memory has never left me and i'm 51yrs now...please do not let this man near the child.

Bellamuerte · 31/12/2017 18:52

I would find it inappropriate if my own father (whom I trust implicitly) took my daughter to bed with him, never mind a step-father who technically isn't related. The fact that he was drunk just makes it worse. Under the circumstances I wouldn't leave my child alone with these people in future; they are not to be trusted (even your mother sadly, as she has permitted this to happen).

PurpleMinionMummy · 31/12/2017 18:55

Maybe you can ask the police about Sarah's Law? It may not show anything but certainly worth checking?

RaspberryOverload · 31/12/2017 18:59

Speaking to the police may be a good idea. While people are quick to throw around references to Sarah's Law (although not yet on this thread), the police will generally only consider applications from people about those who may have regular contact with their children. I think this situation would be one where they may be able to help.

I'd be surprised, given this man's age, if there isn't something in his past. As described it does seem like he was testing both your boundaries and those of your DD, OP. I wonder, if you had not been there, would he have insisted your DD went to bed with him?

CleverQuacks · 31/12/2017 20:07

A lot of good advice on here. I just wanted to add that I have rung the NSPCC helpline before when I had concerns about sexualised behaviour towards my son and they were really really helpful so it’s worth giving them a ring.

user1495222250 · 31/12/2017 20:45

yes that was one of my first thoughts, even if it’s innocent, I don’t want DD to believe it’s a normal thing to ask of her. Because then she isn’t protected against others asking the same or similar.

You've hit the nail on the head here, OP. This has to be resolved so that your DD can be safe around others in the future.

Have you spoken to the NSPCC? I hope they gave you some good advice. In the meantime, I'd be keeping the little one away from your DM and stepdad.

TheweewitchRoz · 31/12/2017 21:04

Trust your instincts Op.

littlebillie · 01/01/2018 10:16

I wouldn't ask her but I would make it clear that him asking is wrong. Why would you go to the police unless you believe she has been harmed in some way.

Jassmells · 01/01/2018 12:38

My kids voluntarily love to get into their grandparents bed but this is not her volunteering but being coaxed. As others have said speak to the police you may also be able to ask for a "Sarah's law" disclosure (sorry don't know if that is the right name but the one where you can check for past abuse convictions).

IrkThePurist · 01/01/2018 12:41

Your mother cannot be trusted to keep your DD safe. If I were you I'd go NC over this.

mathanxiety · 02/01/2018 01:32

Wrt the drinking - sometimes an abuser will drink in order to loosen his boundaries, make everything a bit fuzzy, convince himself that he is not completely in control (or even in some instances go so far in his own mind as to say he was taken advantage of) Basically, drinking creates a feeling of being in some sort of limbo set free from normal rules. Sometimes people will do this deliberately to set the stage for themselves.

I am very concerned that your mum overrides your DD. She is as much a part of this problem as your SD is.

Well done for teaching your DD that she doesn't have to play along with what adults want, act 'nice', etc.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2018 06:19

Maybe you could as, the police about Sarah’s Law?It may not show anything but certainly worth checking?

Someone else suggested this upthread. This is a good idea.

namechanged2018 · 02/01/2018 09:59

When I was a small child, one christmas I woke up on top of a favourite uncle, with his you-know-what nudging my tummy and his hands caressing my bottom. It's been several decades and I still remember how sick it made me, to awake in a different bed, feeling that awful sensation of a man's arms all over me. That once incident had such bad repercussions for me.

My DM was in the next room when this happened. She had thought it was okay for her elder brother to enter her daughter's room unsupervised and spend time with her SLEEPING daughter because he asked to and she agreed, since he loves her so much and he is bloody effing family and he never gets to see her much. She still maintains the same fuckin logic, pardon my french.

For the sake of your daughter, PLEASE do not ever let your child near your DM/DSD again.

cindersrella · 02/01/2018 10:06

Not sure I'd this will help OP or it may help other parents. My daughter has done this at school and I think it's a really good idea and very sensitive in learning at a young age what is acceptable and how to talk about it!

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/underwear-rule/

C0untDucku1a · 02/01/2018 10:14

Did you
Call the police op?

Hopeful103 · 02/01/2018 10:34

Yanbu op. As someone upthread said he is trying to normalize this by openly asking. What i would have done is very loudly and clearly said 'no we do not allow that'. If it made the atmosphere awkward then all the better, it will send the message across that you as her parents will not be allowing any such thing and you are not afraid of making this known.

What this creepy man is banking on is that you are leaving it up to your daughter to say no while everyone stays silent. He will keep trying until one day she says yes. I would confront this head on. And not in a round about way by speaking to your dm. Speak to him directly in the presence of your dm so she is clear that its not acceptable even if she is around.

Don't fear offending or making anyone feel awkward. That's a small price to pay to ensure your daughter is safe.

sunnybean60 · 02/01/2018 10:55

It sounds to me that you are a good mum who has her daughter's well being in the forefront of her mind. It's easier with hindsight to think of what you could of said, but when you are in shock about a request the words sometimes do not come out as your brain is trying to deal with it. It's very likely now that you have time to reflect to work out your best action plan. The protective behaviors is a good resource for every family - there must be a lot of other parents out there feeling uncomfortable about other situations that can arise from time to time with family/friends/ new relationships so it helps to be prepared.

Original poster
adviceseeker5002 · 02/01/2018 12:05

Thanks everyone, I'm calling NSPCC today on a break (DD not around so it's easier to talk) and will go from there.

namechanged yes I think even if I say something in DM's presence, that will be her sort of reaction, and I may find myself accused of accusing him.

maddhugger the spanker was a neighbour we were quite friendly with, a childless couple, around age 50. The wife was there and said nothing. Which is why I felt the need to come on here and ask AIBU about this too. If noone else reacts, it makes me question whether IABU.. but having thought about it more and thanks to the support on this thread, I'm more confident that I'm not wrong and some people will just stand idly by, maybe it doesn't even register with them? I'd like to think if I was married and my OH did that, I would have quite a lot to say.

OP posts: