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AIBU?

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Original poster

60+ year old man asking to share bed with 4 year old?

225 replies

adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 05:40

NC for this

Would you feel it is very odd that a 60+ year old man (my step-dad, non-biological relative to my DD) openly asks a 4 year old child (my DD) to share a bed with them?

I left DD with DM and step-dad a couple of weeks ago for a few hours in the evening and returned to be told by DM that she had 'gone to bed' with him. I was shocked and it would not have been agreed to had I been there. I knew he had drunk several pints and just found it very odd.

Yesterday went to their house again after a family get-together, no intention to stay over. Step-dad announced he was going to bed, DD was watching a cartoon film and colouring and he openly in front of me and everyone asked her 'do you want to come up and sleep with me'. I was kind of Shock and glad she said 'no' but..?

It made my skin crawl, is it just me?

OP posts:
studentmum3 · 31/12/2017 08:51

I used to share a bed with my niece and nephew at this age. They would ask.
I'd have had no issue if grandparents had shared with mine when they were 4, or even a bit older, as long as it was at the request of the child/to comfort a scared child/something similar.

But I wouldn't absolutely not be okay, in any way with what you describe. It is creepy and odd. Why oh why would a grown man ask a child to share a bed and sleep with them, just because....ugh.

I know of a family where an elderly relative was abusing a child right under everyone's nose. He used the 'cover' of openness to deflect suspicion. I'd call the NSPCC for advice.

Footle · 31/12/2017 08:55

Do not ask your daughter about it at the moment. Talk to the NSPCC first- and soon.

ferntwist · 31/12/2017 08:56

YANBU. Please, please trust your instincts. This is beyond wrong. Please never leave DD with either your stepdad or mum again.

Itchytights · 31/12/2017 08:57

Always trust your gut. If something feels odd,your instinct will tell you this.

Of Course it’s not right. My DF adores his DGC. Never in a million years would he EVER ask to share a bed with them.

His age is irrelevant here as a pp said.

Speak to the police and gain some advice and definitely find some strategies ( books etc) to teach your DD about staying safe and how bodies are private.

I would not be leaving my DD with either of them again.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 31/12/2017 09:02

Do not ever leave your dd alone with this man again - at any time

Mxyzptlk · 31/12/2017 09:03

It may have not entered your DMs head so I wouldn't automatically think she is not to be trusted.

DM is not to be trusted because she trusts SD.

guineapig1 · 31/12/2017 09:07

I agree this is really not normal and you are absolutely correct to be concerned.

As a pp has pointed out there is a world of difference between what you describe and a situation where a little one is sleeping over at the grandparents house in the spare room but wakes in the night and asks to get into the grandparents bed.

thethoughtfox · 31/12/2017 09:08

This is very disturbing. And he appears to be drunk when asking? And he can't get through an evening without drinking? You need to confront this now. I'm so sorry.

elfieonshelfie · 31/12/2017 09:09

My moms husband who all of her grandchildren call grandad and has been in our family for 17 years would never ask this question.

I wouldn't be happy with it at all. I would be extra vigilant! What did your mom say?

Rainonasun · 31/12/2017 09:09

Your not over reacting.
This sounds like a very dangerous situation.
You need to seek professional advice asap

HermioneWeasley · 31/12/2017 09:09

My dad has no sense of normal boundaries (he’s not abusive, just completely lacking in self awareness) and even he wouldn’t suggest my kids sleep with him. When they were little had stayed with them, they might crawl into bed in the morning for a cuddle, but that’s different.

PurpleWithRed · 31/12/2017 09:12

Actually, as someone possibly much closer in age to the OP’s DM and stepdad this may not be as weird and creepy as you think. One of the reasons peadophiles got away with it back in the 70s and 80s was because there was a lot more genuinely innocent stuff going on - loving innocent granddads without a sexual thought in their head could cuddle and kiss their granddaughters without fear of being accused of being a paedophile. And no, I’m not being naive, the vast majority of times it was just innocent loving behaviour from a time when sex was behind closed doors.

That said, nowadays anyone thinking it’s still OK is mad and I’m astonished your SD doesn’t know that. Personally I would NOT go rushing off to the police but I would have a firm word with DM and SD and see what their reaction is. They may be horrified and mortified. On the other hand...

I know you are in a tough position and it’s hard to get out as a LP, but I’d also be worried about leaving DD with people who struggle to get through the evening without a drink.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2017 09:15

Very inappropriate, this woukd be ringing loud alarm bells even if he were her biological grandad. When he announced he was going to bed and would dd come, you should have said something to him, not just stand there. I would not have her stay with them alone, I would not trust your mother to do the right thing.

sandgrown · 31/12/2017 09:16

Whilst I agree OP should be cautious I remember when I was young (about 6) my mum's brother lived with us. I adored him and would often go and jump in bed with him if I woke early. Nothing untoward ever happened.

Middleoftheroad · 31/12/2017 09:17

You talk about not wanting to over react or make a big deal, but you HAVE to for the sake of your DD. Sod how you might look as this sounds very disturbing to me.

Something's not right. Please don't leave her with them again and trust your gut.

givemesteel · 31/12/2017 09:18

*I haven't noticed him being generally inappropriate with social boundaries

yes he has biological GC, of which 3 others (1 now late teens, others around age 10) are female*

I asked about the above as I thought if he didn't have DC or GC he could be trying to forge a relationship with yours and not know how to go about it, but he's obviously got plenty of his own to play grandpa to.

Again if he was too touchy feely with everyone then the inappropriateness could be seen in that light.

It does sound like potential grooming tbh and he's doing it publicly to try and normalise it.

ZipItZebedee · 31/12/2017 09:22

.

0ccamsRazor · 31/12/2017 09:25

Op you sound switched on and a loving mum, your dd is lucky to have you keeping her safe.

You have 2 red flags here, one due to alcoholic step dad and your mum. Two his what appears to be grooming behaviour towards your dd.

You would not be over reacting to stop dd from spending time with them. What you will have to work out is what are you going to do with your relationship with your mum. From what you say she could well be in a role of enabler, you would never be able to trust her to keep your dd safe. The other thought here, is that if he is a paedophile, then even if you are with dd, he will at some point make a move on her. People such as this are crafty opportunists, they will get a thrill even for a split second, say if dd went into a room by herself.

I hope that you get some good advise from the nspcc and police.

Horrid situation you have found yourself and dd in Flowers

littlebird55 · 31/12/2017 09:28

You can't leave dd there again, they should not be drinking heavily whilst caring for her, and absolutely must and should not be sleeping with her.

You are not over reacting, your instinct tells you this is not right, and there is no way anyone would be doing this with my dc.

ElsieMc · 31/12/2017 09:31

Highly strange behaviour op. The welfare of your dd here is paramount and it says a lot about the skewed attitude of your dm and sd that they do not even consider he may put himself at risk of some kind of allegation either. It just smacks of grooming. He has done it once, tested your dm who has said nothing and now he is gauging your reaction op.

Don't let him have access to her again. Your dm cannot offer supervision because she puts herself and her own comfort first.

wanderlust99 · 31/12/2017 09:33

Are people saying this is inappropriate because he is her step GF? Years ago I asked about the DC sharing a bed with their GF and everyone said it was fine and how their DC enjoyed sleeping with their dgf.

Regarding "come to bed" at a non bed time; I often get into bed in the day to read and my DC would have joined me so that in itself would not alarm me. I am more alarmed that they both sound like alcoholics and cannot be trusted to be in care of a young child.

OP trust your gut, I would be trying to ask non leading questions and definitely explain to your DC about appropriate behaviour etc. I wouldn't let her stay there again though.

LadyKyliePonsonbyFarquhar · 31/12/2017 09:35

The fact that he can't get through the evening without having a drink would be enough for me to keep any child away from him.

Boakboak · 31/12/2017 09:39

I was sexually abused on one obvious occasion as a teenager but looking back there were lots of tell tale signs. For example the perpetrator used to approach me in a public setting and pretend to crack and egg on my hand to run his fingers down my side. I was v young and didn't know what he was doing. He was always very handsy (my parents must have been aware but still did Boxing Day lunches with him and his wife). Years later when I was 15 he approached me alone in my Dad's study whilst I was playing computer games and offered me a chocolate from a tube. When I took one he fondled my breast. He did this twice. He then tried to deny it to my parents and ask to talk to me to explain.

What I'm saying is sometimes creepy behaviour starts young and can take years to build into something disgusting. It can also be very public in the lead-up. I was "lucky" but it could have been far worse.

Talk to the police officer. They need to have a chat with him. My Nan asked me to share her bed once but that was purely innocent. I think the fact it's creeped you out and raised your alarms is very telling. Please trust your instincts and report this. I wish my parents had done that instead of keeping it all hush hush and spending time on the phone listening to him talk about his problems.

diddl · 31/12/2017 09:40

"Any adult asking a 4 yo to go to bed with them is plain weird at any time of day or night."

Yup!

And in front of the parents??

And when there was no intention to stay over!!

That is so seriously fucked up.

I wouldn't even have had a "trial run" with people who have to be asked not to drink.

DeepanKrispanEven · 31/12/2017 09:43

I too would be concerned about your child being in the care of an alcoholic. My FiL was one, although no-one would acknowledge it, and DH and I had to keep alert all the time if we were at the in-laws or vice versa, because he would do thinks like leaving lit cigarettes in an ash tray on the floor when they were crawling about.

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