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AIBU?

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Original poster

60+ year old man asking to share bed with 4 year old?

225 replies

adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 05:40

NC for this

Would you feel it is very odd that a 60+ year old man (my step-dad, non-biological relative to my DD) openly asks a 4 year old child (my DD) to share a bed with them?

I left DD with DM and step-dad a couple of weeks ago for a few hours in the evening and returned to be told by DM that she had 'gone to bed' with him. I was shocked and it would not have been agreed to had I been there. I knew he had drunk several pints and just found it very odd.

Yesterday went to their house again after a family get-together, no intention to stay over. Step-dad announced he was going to bed, DD was watching a cartoon film and colouring and he openly in front of me and everyone asked her 'do you want to come up and sleep with me'. I was kind of Shock and glad she said 'no' but..?

It made my skin crawl, is it just me?

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 31/12/2017 09:43

that would be the last time a child of mine went there.

Thetreesareallgone · 31/12/2017 09:44

My mum is a step-grandmother to her partner's children. No way would she be inviting them into her bed, how weird! I don't think she would even share a bed with my own children unless they were very sick and that was the only way to get them to sleep. It's obvious that when children are not your own you go out of your way not to push boundaries or sleep in arrangements that might make people uncomfortable, because you are not the parent.

I don't think lying down in the day taking a nap and a small child coming for a cuddle is the same, plus anyway, my mum's husband would never ever do this to my children because he would understand the importance of being really clear and transparent and not putting children or himself in vulnerable situations that might be misunderstood.

It's very worrying they have normalized this as if you as the parent don't matter and I would just not let my children go there again, he obviously can't see why it's inappropriate to ask or to do and it would greatly alarm me that your mum thinks this is ok too.

brizzledrizzle · 31/12/2017 09:45

Are people saying this is inappropriate because he is her step GF?

no, its because it is highly inappropriate, step gf or not.

WunWun · 31/12/2017 09:47

I would never leave my DD with them again. This isn't right at all. You would be party to any abuse if you left her alone with him again.

C8H10N4O2 · 31/12/2017 09:50

At the risk of being terminally boring, be cautious people about sharing personal experiences on this subject

WunWun · 31/12/2017 09:50

Very good point and not boring at all.

Thetreesareallgone · 31/12/2017 09:52

It's inappropriate because in general, we don't take children who aren't our own into our beds! I wouldn't share a bed with a child staying over who was a friend's child for example or when babysitting, even if they were quite little and upset, I'd cuddle them and settle them in their own bed.

That level of intimacy (bed-sharing) is usually reserved for immediate family members, such as a mum or dad or sister/brother, and even then people may not want to share. I think a grandmother who acts in a similar way to a mum might also do this without it being weird, but I don't think they would be seeking this out, and if they were I'd find it odd.

Step-grandads who aren't related to the child and are not part of the immediate family- not on your nelly!

CremeFresh · 31/12/2017 09:52

I would want to speak to him about inappropriate behaviour, but if he's up to no good it could make him more careful and sneaky. It's a difficult and horrible situation, what if he has /is doing it to other children Sad

Figgygal · 31/12/2017 09:53

I'd be telling both of them it's inappropriate and needed to stop I'd also not be leave no her unattended for the foreseeable.

I certainly wouldn't be running to the police without doing the above. Inappropriate yes but not necessarily a child predator red flag surely?

EvilDoctorHogmanayDuck · 31/12/2017 09:54

Not if he openly asked, as he probably sees nothing wrong in it, but I'm also glad she said no.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 31/12/2017 09:55

The kids ask to sleep with my Mum when they stay over, even though they have their own beds there. If they’re all staying they draw straws. I used to sleep with my Grandparents & Aunts/Uncles. My nieces & nephews sleep with me, as do my god kids. If my Dad was still alive I’m sure the kids would be asking to get in the middle or one sleep with Nana & one with Grandad. All fine with me.

What’s NOT fine is a Grandparent ASKING a child to go to bed with them when they’re visiting for a few hours. In the first instance she should have been put to bed in the children’s room (if put to bed at all) and if she couldn’t sleep one of them sitting with her or just letting her fall asleep on the settee. She was only there a few hours, him taking her to his bed is weird. The second time, when you were there visiting with her, is just plain fucking weird.

Given everything you have said, not just the sleeping bit, I would really minimise contact with him, never letting her out of your sight. Meet your Mum away from their house and NEVER leave DD with even just your Mum. Not even at your house.

You know if anything did happen it was a one off, he hasn’t had the opportunity to do anything untoward previously. Personally I’d talk to DD about when she stayed there for a few hours, but if you don’t feel you can do this without leading her, you might be better off getting a trained outsider to do it for you.

Piffle11 · 31/12/2017 09:57

You need to put an end to this right now. If he keeps trying to normalise it I would say something loudly and to the point: 'No, that's not appropriate'. Something like that. End of conversation. Last year I had a few problems with Step FIL - DS (5) kept complaining that SFIL had hurt him: I've seen SFIL 'playing' with MIL's other GC and he is rough. MIL was defending SFIL and said to me that my DS 'was just as bad' at 5yrs??!! Then after a particular 'incident' DS said again SFIL had hurt him and MIL turned on DS, calling him a liar. She said she had been with DS the whole time and that it had absolutely not happened. She was furious, telling me I needed to watch what DS said, as 'everyone loves SFIL' and lies could get him into trouble. She took DS to one side when she thought I wasn't there and was telling him to tell me that he was lying or he couldn't go to her house anymore - DS just kept on reiterating that he wasn't lying. Next day I bumped into SFIL and he told me what had happened - it had happened exactly as DS had told me (he'd been hurt when playing rough). I said that MIL hadn't seen it, he told me that she hadn't been there ... she lied to my face to protect her DH over her DGC. DS no longer goes to their house as I cannot trust her or her SFIL.

Chinnychinnychinnychib · 31/12/2017 09:58

I work in a safeguarding role. What you describe in not appropriate and causes me concern.
You will not get anything other than opinion on Mumsnet. Please call childline or the NSPCC for expert advice. Massive sympathy to you and well done for recognising the situation and being your child’s champion.

anniehm · 31/12/2017 09:59

The way it is written sounds wrong. BUT saying that, my kids always made their way into my parents bed either during the night or early morning, still having a cuddle as young teens, only stopping because they dont wake until midday! We dont know if theres a second bed, or exact words - theres definately a need for clarification from the grandmother, then a decision on escalation can be made by the mother.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2017 10:00

The red flag is him a grown man asking a little girl to share a bed with him. In front of you all. Thus is not right, this has happened before. It's different if she sparked to because of comfort in the night, but this is wrong on so many levels. You need to be supervising closely when she's round at their house, don't leave her alone with them, I woukd not trust either of them.

NoSquirrels · 31/12/2017 10:00

back in the 70s and 80s was because there was a lot more genuinely innocent stuff going on - loving innocent granddads without a sexual thought in their head could cuddle and kiss their granddaughters without fear of being accused of being a paedophile.

Grandparents can STILL cuddle & kiss their GC without the fear of being accused of being a paedophile. Adults without sexual thoughts in their heads do this all the time, don’t be daft. There’s a world of difference between a hug and kiss from a loving related adult in a normal family situation and a boozed up non-related adult asking a 4 year old to accompany him upstairs to go to bed.

Piffle11 · 31/12/2017 10:02

Can I also add that if you speak to DD and nothing untoward happened, that's not to say that he's not gearing up to it, if you know what I mean ... grooming, I suppose. You get your feet under the table so to speak. It may be perfectly innocent, or it may be perfectly innocent for now. I wouldn't feel comfortable with this man being around my DD, and unfortunately I'm not sure you can completely trust your DM either (to not just turn a blind eye or convince herself it's innocent).

EvilDoctorHogmanayDuck · 31/12/2017 10:02

Cerco I went into my DGPs' bed every Saturday and Sunday morning. I can tell you exactly where DGF's mole is on his back. I don't think he ever wore a pyjama top.

e1y1 · 31/12/2017 10:05

Never in a million fucking years.

Sorry for swearing, but no chance in hell should this be happening.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2017 10:15

Nono no are you to have SD looking after your dd whilst yiu and your mum organise stuff. He is not to be trusted, she needs protecting from him. Kissing her on the mouth as a baby, is so wrong, I read further, that he's an alcoholic. No, trust your instincts, protect your dd. His behaviour at mimimum is very inappropriate. If he asks her to come to bed with him in front of you all, what is he going to do when your not tgere to see. I woukd not trust her with either of them alone, yiu said they will try to minimise it. If you need a night out, sitters.co.uk or have you got a friend that could help.

LalaLeona · 31/12/2017 10:16

Strange post

Timefortea99 · 31/12/2017 10:26

I read this with my mouth hanging open. This is so wrong, alarm bells massively ringing. Please contact NSPCC - they need to give you advice to find out if he has behaved in an inappropriate way with her. And, don't have anything to do with him.

Cantuccit · 31/12/2017 10:32

I agree with pp and OP when they said it's better for DD's boundaries for this not to happen, so she is not bulnerable to others.

Cantuccit · 31/12/2017 10:32

*vulnerable

OnTheRise · 31/12/2017 10:33

I'm very worried by what you've told us, OP. The sleeping in the same bed thing and the mouth-kissing together are very worrying. The alcohol issue is bad too.

I would trust my instincts and keep my children away from them both for now--it's obvious you can't trust your mother to protect them as she's allowed the co-sleeping thing before, and doesn't see a problem in a drunk sleeping with a small child.

Far better to be too cautious and keep your child safe than to be too relaxed and your child being abused.

Expect your mother and her partner to be angry with you, but don't give in. I wouldn't tell them why you're restricting their access, as it will give them a chance to come up with excuses.

Seek expert helpthe NSPCC and/or the police would be my suggestionand protect your children, no matter what.

And good luck.