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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

60+ year old man asking to share bed with 4 year old?

225 replies

adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 05:40

NC for this

Would you feel it is very odd that a 60+ year old man (my step-dad, non-biological relative to my DD) openly asks a 4 year old child (my DD) to share a bed with them?

I left DD with DM and step-dad a couple of weeks ago for a few hours in the evening and returned to be told by DM that she had 'gone to bed' with him. I was shocked and it would not have been agreed to had I been there. I knew he had drunk several pints and just found it very odd.

Yesterday went to their house again after a family get-together, no intention to stay over. Step-dad announced he was going to bed, DD was watching a cartoon film and colouring and he openly in front of me and everyone asked her 'do you want to come up and sleep with me'. I was kind of Shock and glad she said 'no' but..?

It made my skin crawl, is it just me?

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 31/12/2017 06:37

my dd at aged 3 shared a bed with her grandma
as she did with us
is this the same soft of thing? a comfort for your dd
would she have been ok on her own op?

Newinthegame16 · 31/12/2017 06:38

The nspcc has a book/campaign I think called pants tailored to different age ranges and talks about what's in your pants being private etc

namechange2222 · 31/12/2017 06:40

There's no reason I can think of where I'd choose to sleep with a non related child. I'm female and my GS always co slept until recently with his DM. When he stayed at mine he'd also want to do this. My own children chose to co sleep with me ( I was lone parent)
As you say you left your child 'for a few hours' in the evening, were you expecting your child to go to sleep? (My 4 year old GS would have to go to sleep at around 7) and, if so, what had you agreed the sleeping arrangements were going to be? Do they have a bed for the child? I think you have to take some responsibility here. I can't imagine for one second leaving a 4 year old in the care of people you clearly don't trust for 'a few hours' and not having a clear idea of where/ if they would sleep

soursugar · 31/12/2017 06:40

You need to tell him that you find it inappropriate. It's very creepy and not normal in my opinion. Don't worry about hurting his feelings if you have got it wrong as you can never be too careful !

soursugar · 31/12/2017 06:41

Also I would never leave your dd with them ever again!

BattleCuntGalactica · 31/12/2017 06:44

Fuck no that is not normal.

Slartybartfast · 31/12/2017 06:44

perhaps on the previous occasion she was tired and this time he thought the same.
ask nspcc for more educated advice op

Poshindevon · 31/12/2017 06:49

shard1662 We all know this behaviour is wrong at any age and OP needs support not you nit picking

OP I apologise if I made things harder by asking about your partner.Flowers
Is there any one you trust who you can confide in?

SandyY2K · 31/12/2017 06:50

Sounds creepy to me.

Shockers · 31/12/2017 06:50

I know your DD said no when he asked whether she wanted to go up to sleep, but did she look bothered by the suggestion?

It isn’t appropriate though; he shouldn’t be asking, especially after drinking, even if his motives are innocent.

Mxyzptlk · 31/12/2017 06:56

I know I am DD's only protector and can't not take the harshest route here.

Exactly right.

RestingGrinchFace · 31/12/2017 06:58

Well I mean I can imagine situations when it might be innocent. If the child were being put to bed and refused Togo to sleep without someone else lying in the bed and (fully clothed obviously) grandfather came into their bed until they fell asleep then ok. But this really, really isn't one of those situations. He just announced that he was going to bed and asked her to come-wtf?

SunshineTheMonkey · 31/12/2017 07:01

Weird. I would speak to her when she wakes up and ask her about it.

Any concerns at all after that talk, report him.

Ceebs85 · 31/12/2017 07:04

I'd be very unnerved by this. And no more reassured by the fact he'd asked in front of others.

Id casually try to speak to your daughter about what she did last time generally and try to as casually as possible ask about sharing the bed.

I am an auntie to a 4yo and can't imagine a situation where it would feel run of the mill to share a bed with him. This doesn't sit right with me at all.

NSPCC sounds like the best starting point. I hope this is just creepy but totally innocent!

RaeSkywalker · 31/12/2017 07:07

You aren’t overreacting OP. Something is very wrong here. I’d make sure that they were never trusted with DD again.

RhythmStix · 31/12/2017 07:08

I don't see how this could be remotely 'innocent'. Your SD is a pervert I'm afraid. I would be in haste to follow this up and investigate. Sad. Personally I would not take dd to their house ever again.

sunnybean60 · 31/12/2017 07:12

I don't think you are over-reacting I too think your SD is trying to normalize this behavior and it would only get worse if you allow it to continue. You do need to work out how to deal with this as you are on your own and it is a family relationship issue (but mums net is a good source of support). Likewise questions regarding your DD birth father too, it's helpful to find out how other's cope with question's asked. A friend of mine was also careful about introducing a new boyfriend she had to her very young children. I guess you still want your mum in your life but like other's stated she may be blinkered to her husband's behavior but your' daughter's well being comes first. You can work out how you can continue to see her and other family members. Don't fret if you are accused of being over protective of your DD. There may be other's in the family that also are uncomfortable about your SD too. Being protective now will save you potential problems in the future You can also start your own family occasions/traditions.

Smarmydrippings · 31/12/2017 07:22

Trust your instinct.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 31/12/2017 07:25

Even if it's totally innocent, which it could be. It's teaching the child that hopping into bed with an adult man is normal. I'm struggling to articulate what I mean here as I know he is known to her but....it's not a healthy life lesson at best, sort of thing.

rcat · 31/12/2017 07:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StellaHeyStella · 31/12/2017 07:25

No it's certainly not just you op, this is very odd behaviour. I'm sure any right thinking man with innocent intent would not put the child, or themselves for that matter, in such a situation.
SD is at best clueless and at worst (as pp have already said) attempting to normalise this behaviour so he can go on to abuse.
It can happen that mothers sweep their discomfort under the carpet for an easy life with sometimes awful consequences for their children.
Hats off to you op for following your motherly instincts to protect your dd.
(I've just read that last sentence back and it comes across a a bit patronising, it's not meant to be. I've worked in this area and it's so sad when women choose the abuser over their children so as not to rock any boats)
I would casually mention to your dd if she has heard of the 'pants' rule and try and start a conversation about that, no pressure and don't push if she doesn't engage straight away.

harrietsoton · 31/12/2017 07:26

Also did anyone else at the family get together find his question strange?

mathanxiety · 31/12/2017 07:39

namechange2222
The OP doesn't have any responsibility for this situation. She had no reason not to trust her DM and SD until the recent incidents. The most she was concerned about was drinking while looking after other grandchildren. DD has never been left in their care - the evening was a trial run with DD.
The previous incident that made her sit up straight was when the 4 yo was a tiny baby - four years ago.

This time round, because the OP was concerned about DM and SD drinking in the evenings, she had asked them not to drink. Her DM had agreed to this. I left DD with DM and step-dad a couple of weeks ago for a few hours in the evening and returned to be told by DM that she had 'gone to bed' with him. I was shocked and it would not have been agreed to had I been there.
SD did something completely unanticipated by the OP, and her DM let him.

Yesterday's visit was one where she and DD were together with no intention to leave DD in their care. SD openly invited DD to go and sleep with him even though no care arrangement had been made, the OP was right there, and OP and the DD were not staying.

OP, I would not ask DD any questions about sleeping with SD, just in case something did happen - questions you ask would prejudice an investigation (planting false memories, suggesting scenarios, etc). Talk to the NSPCC and ask how you should proceed.

I would bring up the inappropriateness of this with DM and SD, and I think you will get a good idea of how safe or unsafe they are with children by their response. I think you should assume they are unsafe anyway, and you seem to anticipate defensiveness, so I think you have your answer there..

You may be dealing with a very bold sex offender operating right under everyone's nose. He may have been getting away with offending against his grandchildren - he may have a partner who is enabling him (sadly your own mother, who drinks and turns a blind eye) and his own children may have been trained to see his behaviour as normal. The drinking on his part is an element that fits in here too.

Adviceplease360 · 31/12/2017 07:47

You may be dealing with a very bold sex offender operating right under everyone's nose. He may have been getting away with offending against his grandchildren - he may have a partner who is enabling him (sadly your own mother, who drinks and turns a blind eye) and his own children may have been trained to see his behaviour as normal. The drinking on his part is an element that fits in here too.

This

CercoCasa · 31/12/2017 07:50

I now feel slightly uncomfortable when my niece asks to sleep in her biological granddads bed as she gets scared sleeping by herself....I assume most here would think it is ok for a 5 yr old to sleep in her gparents bed

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