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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

60+ year old man asking to share bed with 4 year old?

225 replies

adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 05:40

NC for this

Would you feel it is very odd that a 60+ year old man (my step-dad, non-biological relative to my DD) openly asks a 4 year old child (my DD) to share a bed with them?

I left DD with DM and step-dad a couple of weeks ago for a few hours in the evening and returned to be told by DM that she had 'gone to bed' with him. I was shocked and it would not have been agreed to had I been there. I knew he had drunk several pints and just found it very odd.

Yesterday went to their house again after a family get-together, no intention to stay over. Step-dad announced he was going to bed, DD was watching a cartoon film and colouring and he openly in front of me and everyone asked her 'do you want to come up and sleep with me'. I was kind of Shock and glad she said 'no' but..?

It made my skin crawl, is it just me?

OP posts:
Original poster
adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 13:00

RL support - I have some, not a lot. It's hard to have proper conversations with people or meet new people when you work full-time, have full custody and limited childcare (outside work hours). A bit of a catch-22 situation!

OP posts:
Original poster
adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 13:01

Thank you everyone - some great advice on here.

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 31/12/2017 13:06

Fuck, no I would be very concerned! I am very overprotective of mine though.

WidoWanky · 31/12/2017 13:40

If you feel it is wrong, then it is wrong. What conversation with your child would you rather have in 10 years time?

Something about my ex husbands behaviour didnt sit right with me. It took years but i was sadly proved right.

You are the parent. It is your responsibility to protect your child. You may fall out with your mum over this, but children come first.

I am really sorry you are dealing with this.it is hurtful all round. Speak to childline or nspcc for same advice / support.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/12/2017 13:43

Jesus Christ. OF COURSE this is wrong!

You can never leave your child there again. If you do so you will be complicit.

Protect your child.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2017 13:44

What would have happened if you had not been there, would granny and grandad have made her go up and sleep with him in his bed despite her not wanting to. She is only 4 she cannot protect herself, she needs you to do that for her.

WellThisIsShit · 31/12/2017 13:56

You are right to be concerned. It’s really good that you are reacting to it and completely focused on protecting your dd. Without being patronising, well done.

The NSPCC are really good at helping you think through and understand what has happened, I found them really helpful.

I’m sorry this has happened, as a lone parent I know how difficult it is, and it’s such a shame you don’t have the practical support of your mum / dd’s grand parents.

GlitteryFluff · 31/12/2017 14:13

I’d be concerned.
Definitely talk to nspcc for advice and maybe see if you can tell dd about underwear rule, keeping secrets etc

Desmondo2016 · 31/12/2017 14:17

Trust your instincts. Impossible for us to know if his intentions were sexual or not but the fact you have a bad feeling about it says it all really. Besides what he said to her, what kind of weirdo goes to bed during a family get together anyway?!

Desmondo2016 · 31/12/2017 14:18

Oh and do not quiz your daughter. Ask open questions in a laid back way at an appropriate time . If she makes ANY disclosures at all then report it immediately to the police and ask no further questions .

MistyMeena · 31/12/2017 14:25

Maybe you could casually begin looking at the PANTS guidelines with your DD but make no mention of SD. if anything has occurred it will be an opportunity for her to say so without you questioning directly.

joystir59 · 31/12/2017 14:25

Best way to let your DD know thiswas not ok would be for you to state to her go in her presence 'Dont ask my DD to sleep in your bed. EVER! '

Hatsoffdear · 31/12/2017 14:32

Never ever should you leave your dd alone with either of them as your mum cannot be trusted.

This is beyond creepy. I would go to the police for advice. Could you see if he’s on a register?

Horrible situation for you op.

ffab · 31/12/2017 14:34

I think sometimes when parents suspect the worst part of you doesn't want to believe it. But deep down I think you know his behaviour is suspect at best and dangerous at worst. Kissing a 3 month old baby on the mouth is icky but sleeping in the bed, enormous red flag.

His brazen attempt to normalise it is shocking and I think it has stunned you. But you need to gather your wits quickly and make absolutely sure your DD is never ever left with SD and DM again. And yes, talk to the NSPCC and encourage your DD to talk to buy try not to 'lead' the conversation. Maybe ask if she wants to draw pictures about DM's house.

You can't change the past but you can protect her future.

Bubbaleo · 31/12/2017 14:52

OP, do dd and your sd cuddle much? Can you think back on how both their reactions are when cuddling?

Bubbaleo · 31/12/2017 15:17

A mother's instincts (and older girls/women) are very strong, always follow them OP. I'm surprised your own dm doesn't find it strange? When my dd was 15, she wanted to work in an old bookshop for work experience. Dh and I went with her to discuss it with the male owner. He said he could do with some help, he was on his own. He and dh chatted whilst dd and I looked round the shop. When I glanced back I noticed bookman looking at dd's bottom. Dh oblivious. Outside the shop, dh said "nice man, think you'll like it there." Me and dd both looked at each other and said Nooooo.... at the same time. Turned out that even without noticing her bottom being looked at, she had a "strange feeling" about him. So, follow your instincts OP.

Branleuse · 31/12/2017 15:26

I would be massively uncomfortable with this. If theres an innocent explanation then too bad for him, its still bloody creepy. I dont think its innocent though. Child abuse is INCREDIBLY common

hungryhippo90 · 31/12/2017 15:35

I'm very sorry to say this, and I completely hope I am projecting, but the behaviour you've described is very triggering to me, I don't want to alarm you but these are the exact same behaviours that my abuser engaged in.
Please go to the police, and please do keep this man from your daughter. Sadly this may mean losing your mum, but dad better than the possibility of something happening to your DD.

bobstersmum · 31/12/2017 15:51

My step father goes to extremes to avoid any potential situations with all of his grandkids that could leave him open to any kind of allegations and he's been with my mum for over 20 years, he would never ever in a million years take any of the kids to bed with him. It's just totally wrong.

Original poster
adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 16:23

Thank you hungry and others who have briefly shared their own experiences on here. I know it is difficult and not wise to post too much, but more than one pp has said that this is how they were groomed to begin with, and that has stood out to me reading through your replies today. I come from a difficult background but have no personal knowledge of sexual abuse.

Bubbaleo DD is a bit funny with men in general, possibly because she does not have experience of a DF. A very few including SD have tried to kiss her on the cheek, asked for a hug/cuddle, and generally she shies away from them. But will mostly go towards women. I think this is partly because she doesn't like the feel of stubble on mens cheeks.

I have noticed men (more than women) are quick to override her, SD included. And DM. When she says no she doesn't want that closeness, they will say 'oh go on then' or 'don't be silly' or 'it's just a kiss' or make out like she is being silly. Whereas I tell her it is her body, her choice and her rules. That she should say no if she doesn't want to be touched.

There is another man I actually had to stop spanking her on the bum, as 'play'. DD was clearly trying to move away from him, clinging to me - I found it astonishing I had to tell a grown man to stop it, and really doubt he would adopt the same behaviour towards a boy of the same age (then 3.5).

Anyway, that is off-topic but still related to teaching DD asap about who can touch her and how.

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 31/12/2017 16:27

It's good that you're teaching her she's entitled to say no to people touching her, OP. I hate the whole enforced kisses and cuddles thing: it's really unpleasant and teaches children they aren't in charge of their own bodies. Very bad.

I do hope that this turns out to be innocent, but even so it's still inappropriate and you're doing well to be wary.

Bubbaleo · 31/12/2017 16:40

Can't understand why adults push children into hugs and kisses, especially if they're not related. I've never done this, but do respond if they come to me for a hug. So glad you followed your instincts OP, and came on here to discuss. Yes, do get some professional advice and take it from there. And definitely keep dd away from sd and sadly, your mum.

Bubbaleo · 31/12/2017 16:43

God, the spanking thing has enraged me! Off to have a very early NYE drink!

Mistoffelees · 31/12/2017 16:45

This website gives an overview of some fantastic training I did earlier this year. Not sure if it's available for parents but it expands on the "my body my rules" concept and language to help children and adults talk about keeping their bodies and mental health safe. familiesfeelingsafe.co.uk/what-is-protective-behaviours/

Bubbaleo · 31/12/2017 16:48

Sounds as though your dd is deciding already who can touch her, who can't. Well done to your DDSmileCake