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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

60+ year old man asking to share bed with 4 year old?

225 replies

adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 05:40

NC for this

Would you feel it is very odd that a 60+ year old man (my step-dad, non-biological relative to my DD) openly asks a 4 year old child (my DD) to share a bed with them?

I left DD with DM and step-dad a couple of weeks ago for a few hours in the evening and returned to be told by DM that she had 'gone to bed' with him. I was shocked and it would not have been agreed to had I been there. I knew he had drunk several pints and just found it very odd.

Yesterday went to their house again after a family get-together, no intention to stay over. Step-dad announced he was going to bed, DD was watching a cartoon film and colouring and he openly in front of me and everyone asked her 'do you want to come up and sleep with me'. I was kind of Shock and glad she said 'no' but..?

It made my skin crawl, is it just me?

OP posts:
Original poster
adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 10:33

Thank you everyone, it is uncomfortable but reassuring so many have the same reaction as me to what has happened.

OP posts:
ZipItZebedee · 31/12/2017 10:35

OP, Do you have other support about? It's such a glaringly obviously inappropriate situation I'm suprised you have had to ask if you are 'being unreasonable' on Mumsnet. Is there are reason that you aren't sure about what is ok and what's not? Sorry I know I'm sounding critical of you but I'm curious of the dynamics involved.

LalaLeona · 31/12/2017 10:42

Well said Zipit..I don't understand why the op needs to ask for advice..surely it's glaringly obvious that this is wrong.

Rinoachicken · 31/12/2017 10:43

If he dropping into my local police station and asking about him under sarahs law

Cantuccit · 31/12/2017 10:46

How is it 'glaringly obvious' when other posters have described similar situations?

I get where some people are going with this, but just report to MNHQ if you have concerns.

dustarr73 · 31/12/2017 10:48

I think at 4 you can sit your child down and have a conversation about body autonomy.That way if she says anything you didn't ask any leading questions.

CremeFresh · 31/12/2017 10:49

asked her 'do you want to come up and sleep with me'

It's the wording of what he said that is especially chilling .

Rinoachicken · 31/12/2017 10:49

I’m a single parent and have been abused in the past - it can affect your own understanding of what is acceptable and what is not and if you are a lone parent who do you ask?

I think Zipit was trying to find out if the OP had similar reasons for finding it hard to not know where normal boundaries should be.

Rossigigi · 31/12/2017 10:56

As a child I always used to sleep with my grandfather when I slept over, just like all of his children used to sleep in with him. I used to sleep in with my dad when my mum was at work as well. So the idea of a 'grand daughter' sleeping in with grandad (for the sake of the example) doesn't faze me in the slightest. My boys also used to sleep in with my and dp's mums when they used to sleep down.

However, I read your post, and straight away my brain was screaming no. It could be, and it highly likely is, totally innocent. But.... and that but is there...... and sorry, it just no, because something sounds alarm bells ringing.

Could you just say in future 'x said she didn't like it, so it's best you don't ask her again'

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2017 10:57

Let me first say that I think in the OP's case that it was very inappropriate and that she would be right to seek advice and not allow it again. Especially how he was with the baby.

However, It's inappropriate because in general, we don't take children who aren't our own into our beds!

When my DGC stay, I have to share a bed with a couple of them because they don't like sleeping on their own. I wouldn't think twice if their DGF offered either. If they stay with one of their aunties they have to share because she doesn't have a spare bed. It's not always wrong.

Sarahh2014 · 31/12/2017 11:00

It's not normal there is no way you should let her stay there again.it is your job to protect her as I'm sure you are aware

YouTheCat · 31/12/2017 11:02

I think the difference there, Nanny, is that the little girl didn't ask to share a bed, the stepGP asked the little girl. That is not normal. There was no need for her to go to bed. She could have had a snooze on the sofa.

I wouldn't let her stay there on her own again, at any time.

Cantuccit · 31/12/2017 11:07

YoutheCat i think Nanny understands that, hence her writing (in bold!)

However, It's inappropriate because in general, we don't take children who aren't our own into our beds!

You're just repeating her oost back to her.

Rossigigi · 31/12/2017 11:09

OP just as seperate thought, if you Google 'how to explain an absent father book' there are loads of books written for children, right from really young up, that may be able to help you Flowers

Arcticwonder · 31/12/2017 11:12

I wonder if the SGF was testing the OP to see her response. And noted that OP let her daughter answer, without making her own view known to SGF.
OP, you need to let him know YOU are in charge of your daughter’s boundaries - and the decision is not hers to make. Particularly when there has already been previous coersion.

YouTheCat · 31/12/2017 11:12

Oh ffs. Cantuccit, I think my brain's not working. I didn't even register reading that bit at all. Sorry, Nanny.

ZipItZebedee · 31/12/2017 11:13

Cantuccit
How is it 'glaringly obvious' when other posters have described similar situations?

I think youve either misunderstood or not read my post properly. I know similar posters will have had similar experiences, I wasn't questioning that. I was concerned that the OP was uncertain about whether she was being unreasonable to question that the step father was behaving inappropriately.

I'm not sure if you were implying I was troll hunting but I wasn't. 😡

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2017 11:14

I agree, it would be very difficult for me to keep quiet in that situation.

6demandingchildren · 31/12/2017 11:14

This is exactly how my grandad abused me.
Someone needs to ask your daughter how she feels about SGD

Cantuccit · 31/12/2017 11:17

Zipit no, I don't think you were troll hunting. I think others were using your post as a means to troll hunt.

YoutheCat easily done on a thread with 140 posts! Grin

Snowman41 · 31/12/2017 11:28

Do not ask your daughter about it at the moment. Talk to the NSPCC first- and soon.

This. The NSPCC will be able to advise on what and how to ask your DD.

Most people, myself included, don't know how to ask these sensitive questions in the best way.

RavingRoo · 31/12/2017 11:33

In my culture co-sleeping is encouraged and if the parents aren’t around then grandparents and / or aunts and uncles will do it with kids too. However, you don’t co-sleep with her, so it’s strange that he’s offering it

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2017 12:16

YouTheCat

No worries!

Original poster
adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 12:56

I do have DD in my bed quite a lot and always have done. As a LP there is plenty of room and she is a very cuddly child - but I am her mother, and she has never shared with anyone else. And is not so close to the GP that it seems a natural suggestion.

OP posts:
Original poster
adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 12:56

The second time, if DD had said ‘yes’ I would have stopped it. I know I was not very quick off the mark in 'saying something' - I was shocked that he had asked, so was open-mouthed, where I should have spoken up (and also let DD know it was not ok).

I agree with pp that having been asked twice, it has already been normalised to some extent for her and I need to do something to teach her it's wrong.

Will call the NSPCC asap for advice.

OP posts: