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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In regards to step sons sleeping arrangements?

222 replies

Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 09:36

Been with my partner for 4 years. We have a 2 year old DD and he has an 8 year old DS from previous relationship.
His son stays friday night until sunday night every weekend. We live in a 2 bedroom house and I gave the kids the big bedroom and decorated it as neutral as possible so that sharing a room wasn't an issue. I got DSS a large bed with memory foam etc all to make him feel at home. Added accessories personally for him etc. However, he never spends time in this room when he comes. He literally goes in to sleep and comes straight downstairs when he wakes up.

The issue now is that we are moving into a 2 bedroom new build house (I can't afford to rent a 3) and the childrens bedroom will be much smaller. The large bed he currently has won't fit and I've got dreams of decorating it all lovely and girly the way my DD would absolutely love! Partners son has his own bedroom at home all week, decorated to how he likes it with all his things in etc. WIBU to buy a pull out bed and have it set up in DD's room for him at weekends? Then fold it away for rest of the week? I was going to let him choose his own bedding etc to make it feel more personal. Not sure if this is abit mean so thought i'd ask first. This will only be for a few years whilst I save for a mortgage. So by the time DD starts school, they should both have their own room. His mum will likely moan about this so thought it might be better to get others opinions before I go ahead and explain situation.

Thank you in advance

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 28/12/2017 09:38

Does his dad not earn any money?

Angrybird345 · 28/12/2017 09:38

Why is it “you” saving for s mortgage and not “we”?

AuntLydia · 28/12/2017 09:39

If it's only for a few years I'd keep the bedroom arrangements as they are rather than risk upsetting your step son and making him feel uncomfortable welcome. A 2 year old probably does not care what her room is like, by school age she'll really be able to get involved in and appreciate doing her room how she likes it.

Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 09:40

He works for an agency as a delivery driver. Pay isn't great and work isn't always guaranteed either. I'm at University full time and work part time to help pay the bills etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 09:42

That's what I was thinking. With her being only 2 she isn't really bothered aslong as she has somewhere she can make a mess. It's just DSS doesn't ever play in the bedroom despite my efforts.

OP posts:
Lucylululu · 28/12/2017 09:42

I'd talk to him and explain the situation to him. His opinion is the important one, not his mother, not any Mumsnetters. This is often the most simple solution in situations like this but people never seem to simply speak to their children and ask their opinions, they just ask everyone else for advice about things affecting their children.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 28/12/2017 09:43

I think it would be unfair sorry. He has a bedroom in his mum house but should be made feel at home at his dad’s.

Making him sleep in room decorated solely for a girl tells him clearly that that is not his bedroom, that he is a guest rather than a proper member of his dad’s family and that he is not as important as your DD.

I think you should keep it neutral, I’m sure a child that is not even yet in school wouldn’t care if the bedroom was neutral.

Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 09:44

True I will speak to him about it. He is almost 9 so is able to have these conversations. Thank you. Just wanted to hear others opinions first incase I upset him

OP posts:
Angrybird345 · 28/12/2017 09:44

Get your partner to get a permanent job and provide better.

Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 09:45

That's what I was worried about. But a friend said I was bring unfair to DD as DSS has his own room but she doesn't. That got me thinking but I agree with PP. I don't want him to feel like a guest as we are a very close family and he of course knows this

OP posts:
LostSight · 28/12/2017 09:45

If your daughter is two, she really won’t care at the moment. So essentially, you’re doing this for you at the expense of DS. Personally, I’d make it as equal for both as you can at this point. Especially if you know there’s a time in the not-too-distant future when there will be more space for everyone.

strangerhoes · 28/12/2017 09:46

What about when he wants to spend time in his room? He will change with age.

strangerhoes · 28/12/2017 09:46

Anyway it’s your partners problem. He isn’t providing enough.

Piratesandpants · 28/12/2017 09:47

I don’t think he’s under any obligation to ‘play in his bedroom’. Mine don’t. But they still enjoy their bedroom with their choice of decor etc.

Foodylicious · 28/12/2017 09:48

I guess it's nice thst he chooses to spend his time downstairs with you guys.

I would do what you do already.
You can let them help choose whete possible, stuff for each of their beds.

If space is really tight, you could get one with a decent trundle and always have it up and fully ready before he sees it.

Sirzy · 28/12/2017 09:48

Even if just for a few days a week it is still a shared room so it needs to consider both of them

Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 09:48

Ah, thank you for putting it into perspective. Sometimes you need to hear these things to realise why it wouldn't work etc. I have a friend (sort of) who makes her DSS sleep on the sofa so her little girl can have a princess theme room to herself. I found that awful when I heard this. I suppose what i'm suggesting isn't much different.

OP posts:
Theresnonamesleft · 28/12/2017 09:49

Hope dad is actively seeking permanent full time employment.
Agency Work is great as a temporary measure between jobs. Or in an field that has high demand

LostSight · 28/12/2017 09:50

Sorry masses of cross posts!

Talking to him is obviously best, but please ask what he’d like and not present it as ‘I’d like this, would you mind?’

And your friend who says you are not being fair to DD is ridiculous. She needs to compare what she has on your house with her DSB. It’s about how you and DP treat them when they’re with you. Not about what happens elsewhere. You could equally say your DD has it better because she gets to live with both parents all the time.

Foodylicious · 28/12/2017 09:50

A two year old does not need their own room.
I ask him if he wants his own room yet like his friends and he says "no thanks Grin"
My 3.5yr old shares with me (though our lounge looks more like a playroom).

strangerhoes · 28/12/2017 09:51

Your DP needs to provide a bedroom for his Ds

Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 09:51

He struggles to get employed full time and isn't really ambitious. I'm the one keen to buy a house/gain a good career etc. He just goes along with what I want aslong as I pay for it of course. In regards to DSS he would tell me to decorate neutral and get on with it. Haven't actually had the conversation with him yet. Was just thinking of the house move earlier.

OP posts:
Saladtongs · 28/12/2017 09:54

It's hard isn't it, no easy way forward without upsetting somebody's feelings. Moving forwards, can your partner make it his priority to improve his job prospects this year. Look for a better paid, more secure job or go to night school to get some qualifications for a better paid job. As your step son grows older he is going to need his own space and sharing with his younger sister probably won't fill him with joy. Providing a bigger house should be both of your responsibility, not just yours and that includes saving for the deposit.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 28/12/2017 09:56

OP one way of getting round this would be to find a decor style which you love but which isn't "all girly"

www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/6473993185166615/

Scandinavian style is lovely but not particularly gendered.

Saladtongs · 28/12/2017 09:56

Why does he struggle to get full time employment? Is it confidence, C.V., attitude or temperment?

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