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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In regards to step sons sleeping arrangements?

222 replies

Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 09:36

Been with my partner for 4 years. We have a 2 year old DD and he has an 8 year old DS from previous relationship.
His son stays friday night until sunday night every weekend. We live in a 2 bedroom house and I gave the kids the big bedroom and decorated it as neutral as possible so that sharing a room wasn't an issue. I got DSS a large bed with memory foam etc all to make him feel at home. Added accessories personally for him etc. However, he never spends time in this room when he comes. He literally goes in to sleep and comes straight downstairs when he wakes up.

The issue now is that we are moving into a 2 bedroom new build house (I can't afford to rent a 3) and the childrens bedroom will be much smaller. The large bed he currently has won't fit and I've got dreams of decorating it all lovely and girly the way my DD would absolutely love! Partners son has his own bedroom at home all week, decorated to how he likes it with all his things in etc. WIBU to buy a pull out bed and have it set up in DD's room for him at weekends? Then fold it away for rest of the week? I was going to let him choose his own bedding etc to make it feel more personal. Not sure if this is abit mean so thought i'd ask first. This will only be for a few years whilst I save for a mortgage. So by the time DD starts school, they should both have their own room. His mum will likely moan about this so thought it might be better to get others opinions before I go ahead and explain situation.

Thank you in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 13:18

I wouldn't even know what to say though

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 13:18

If I leave for good i'm not sure what he will do. That's what scares me.

OP posts:
Jamboree05 · 28/12/2017 13:19

Also, think of your DD. I'm sure you know the damage growing up in an abusive home causes children. You can break this cycle and think of the life you could have and could give your DD. It's even more important you get out for her.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 28/12/2017 13:19

OP, you are starting a new life once you finish uni. You will have a better paid job, more interesting things to do and possible a lot of knew people in your life who share your interests and motivations, which in turn will make him more jealous.

If you really feel like that about the relationship, it is better to leave sooner rather than later. It won’t get better, but the more assets and history you get together the more difficult to untangle all the mess during the divorce process.

It is not easy to live long term with someone who doesn’t have your same level of motivations to progress in life and who doesn’t show much interest in his children and it is much worse to live with a stingy one. Honestly OP, I cannot see how you can make it work in the long term when he ticks the boxes in all those important negative issues.

Your DSS will be fine. I am pretty sure the mum thinks her DS is in good hands as you are taking good care of him, so I doubt very much she will oppose contact with you. In fact, she will probably welcome your interest at the end of the day, the first question people ask when a merged family breaks up is “how are the kids taking it?”.

category12 · 28/12/2017 13:24

You say that your partner is controlling and accuses you of things you haven't done, won't let you see friends and isolates you, threatens and uses violence to intimidate you into staying with him. That you're scared.

There are support services that can help get you out.

Jux · 28/12/2017 13:25

Call the police DV Unit on 101 and ask for advice on hiw to leave safely.
Ring Women’s Aid and talk to them too.

You need people in real life to know your situation, and have them ready to help.

There’ll be a support person at your Uni, too. Tell your tutor your situation, all of it, especially that he gets violent when you tell him you want to leave, so you’re going to need a lot of support in how you do it. Your tutor wants to know, that’s part of their job - to know what the difficulties in your life are which might influence or hinder your ability to reach your full potential. Then, they can help you properly. They want you to do as well as you possibly can while you’re with them (and after you leave).

Please please find the strength and determination to not just improve your life, but to improve the life your dd will have. See hiw much better his ex is doing now she’s dumped him? You could be free and happy instead of working your bum off for the basics.

category12 · 28/12/2017 13:25

What I mean is, you say to the uni/women's aid, that your partner is controlling and accuses you of things you haven't done, won't let you see friends and isolates you, threatens and uses violence to intimidate you into staying with him. That you're scared.

Popchyk · 28/12/2017 13:30

Okay so you are moving into this new house.

Can you move in without him? Don't tell him anything, just let him assume that he is going with you. Sign the tenancy agreement in your name only and then move all your stuff in when he is at work.

Or, even better, cancel this move now. Tell him that the children's bedroom isn't big enough and you are looking for a bigger place. And then find a new place, don't tell him anything about it, and then move when he is out. Do you have any family/friends who can help you?

Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 13:43

I feel even guilty just thinking of leaving him though. I actually feel sorry for him and I wish I didn't as it makes it much harder to contemplate leaving. I did try to leave last year. I told him i'd had enough but he grabbed my throat and pinned me to the bed. Then he smashed a few things in the house, accused me of having an affair. Took my phone, car keys, bank card. He literally left me trapped. Thank god DD and DSS wasn't in at the time. Who knows what would happen if he came home one day and we were actually gone. He isn't violent when we are just living our everyday lives though. It seems only when I stand up to his behaviour he lashes out.

OP posts:
Rossigigi · 28/12/2017 13:44

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant makes a really good point. Once you graduate, get a good job, have a new circle of friends, his jealousy will only get worse.

Popchyk · 28/12/2017 13:44

That's why you have to leave without telling him.

category12 · 28/12/2017 13:50

Grabbing your throat is really dangerous. A tiny miscalculation of pressure and he could kill you. And then your dd has no mum.

Do you really think you can spend your entire life not challenging him in order to avoid his violence? Even if you could, do you want to bring up your dd thinking at all costs the man is right, can never be questioned, or else? That it's normal to live in fear.

Pansythepotter · 28/12/2017 13:50

It does not matter what your DH should or should not do, because it is unlikely that he will ever step up. The situation for your DSS would be much worse if you were not around. You sound so sensible and loving.

If you are interested, I have a story that I wrote for my children, which deals with the issue of two entirely different lifestyles. PM me if you would like it.

category12 · 28/12/2017 13:51

Pansy RTFT

TimeforCupcakes · 28/12/2017 13:52

Make arrangements to leave without telling him. I have had to do this twice and I found Women's Aid and Behind Closed Doors very helpful. They will give you practical advice. The fact that there are children involved makes it all the more pressing that you leave. If you don't do it now, when will you? The longer you stay the more this man and the entire situation will grind you down. I wish you all the best x

Pansythepotter · 28/12/2017 13:53

Sorry, I wrote that before I say your post about the violence. I was not dismissing it. My post was just referring to your SS asking for things that you cannot afford.

sallythesheep73 · 28/12/2017 13:58

Talk to your tutor in the first case. You know them and they are there to help you. 2018 could be your year! Make it happen! Xx

Whinesalot · 28/12/2017 14:03

He's only non violent the rest of the time because you toe the line. What happens when dd starts asserting her personality? Will he be violent to her or will she learn to toe the line too - just like you did at home which ultimately led to you accepting an abusive relationship as an adult. Following that pattern DD will end up in an abusive home during her formative years and then continue into an abusive relationship purely because she doest know what a normal respectful relationship is like - just as you didn't/don't. Use Womens Aid to help you leave and help you learn how to recognise red flags and enforce boundaries for both yours and your dd's future.

Ex DW might be an ally comparing notes being married to him and in letting you maintain a relationship with DSS.

Get your ducks in a row first and start making plans to leave.

bayseyan · 28/12/2017 14:04

You should leave.

If you don't leave, then you're going to have to figure out a solution to the bedroom problem that gives them both space. The fact that one is a boy and one is a girl isn't as relevant as the fact that one is 2 and one is 9. In 3 years you'll have a 5 year old sharing with a 12 year old. That's not reasonable or practical for either child.

Whinesalot · 28/12/2017 14:07

And age two is a lot better for DD to move away from her father rather than when she is older. And that''s without the abusive element.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2017 14:07

You're terrified of what he'll do if you leave?
So, you leave in secret. You take your dd with you. You let dss mum know you've gone, but not where. You do it when dss is with her.

Good luck. It will be hard but you need to start make my plans now. At the moment, you are achieving the exact opposite of what you want to achieve, a happy life for your dd and your dss, because they have to be with their awful father.
Leave, and you all have a chance of a happy life. Stay, and you don't.
Xx

OutToGetYou · 28/12/2017 14:15

If the DSS is with you that much, especially during school holidays and other times during term time on top of every weekend - is the DP's ex paying him (you!) maintenance?

It might be worth looking into this, though if she doesn't work (which it sounds like, or how would she have the time to keep being away!) I suppose she would only pay a small amount. But, with your dp earning low wages (nothing after he's taken his travel out - he really should look for a better job, and then take a second job as well!) and you only able to work part time, any extra income will help.

It might even make sense to reverse residency so your dp can claim the child benefit. Do you claim child tax credits for your own dd?

There needs to be more money brought into this home, one way or another.

Oh, and I wouldn't worry about them sharing, many many families don't have enough bedrooms for one for each child. He's not a 'stranger' as one pp suggested, he is her half-brother. OK, when he's a teen it would be nicer for him to have some space, but by then you will have hopefully moved on a bit (and either your dp stepped up, or you have left him!).
But, not much point doing a full decorating job if you think you'll only be there a couple of years, dd will change her preferences in that time anyway. Use posters and self-stick removable wall decal things, very cheap on ebay.

OutToGetYou · 28/12/2017 14:18

OK, just seen the post about the violence - you need to leave. Maybe start a new thread in Relationships about that, more people will see it and a more focused title will get you more support.

Your DSS has his own DM to look out for him, both her and your 'D'P are taking advantage of you and your 'D'P is sacred of losing his meal ticket.

Leave.

May50 · 28/12/2017 14:43

Oh my goodness. From the start I was reading that the problem was with your freeloader of a DP. Being a lazy so-and-so.
But now having rtft - the violence etc everything you have said you need to leave.
DSS has his mum if DP has no place to stay. You must look after you and your DD.
Things will only get worse. Never never marry him, but preferably leave now - please 💐

Jux · 28/12/2017 15:04

Please be very very careful about contraception too. One way of hanging on to a woman is to keep her pg while you isolate her from family and friends. This has already happened to you, but luckily you are at Uni, but once you graduate getting a job will be made harder for you becUse that is the abuser’s way. Then he’ll get you pg aagain, and so on. All your hard work now will turn to ashes.

Please start talking to people in rl who can help and support you while you extricate yourself and your dd. And if he does even threaten you call the police.