In regards to step sons sleeping arrangements?

[Moonbeam18]

Been with my partner for 4 years. We have a 2 year old DD and he has an 8 year old DS from previous relationship.
His son stays friday night until sunday night every weekend. We live in a 2 bedroom house and I gave the kids the big bedroom and decorated it as neutral as possible so that sharing a room wasn't an issue. I got DSS a large bed with memory foam etc all to make him feel at home. Added accessories personally for him etc. However, he never spends time in this room when he comes. He literally goes in to sleep and comes straight downstairs when he wakes up.

The issue now is that we are moving into a 2 bedroom new build house (I can't afford to rent a 3) and the childrens bedroom will be much smaller. The large bed he currently has won't fit and I've got dreams of decorating it all lovely and girly the way my DD would absolutely love! Partners son has his own bedroom at home all week, decorated to how he likes it with all his things in etc. WIBU to buy a pull out bed and have it set up in DD's room for him at weekends? Then fold it away for rest of the week? I was going to let him choose his own bedding etc to make it feel more personal. Not sure if this is abit mean so thought i'd ask first. This will only be for a few years whilst I save for a mortgage. So by the time DD starts school, they should both have their own room. His mum will likely moan about this so thought it might be better to get others opinions before I go ahead and explain situation.

Thank you in advance

Good Lord, this has moved on somewhat from being an accommodation issue. Your partner is violent. The best arrangement for your DSS is not to see his father at all. And that goes for you and your DD.

If there were no children involved I would have left ages ago. I grew up with an abusive dad and really don't want DD to witness any violence etc. But he only becomes physical and aggressive when we argue and I say i'm leaving. I try not too argue back with him mostly as it's pointless anyway. He's always right apparantly. Some good advice on here will take it on board. His ex left him because she had an affair with another man but she says this is because he was a rubbish partner. Unfortunately this means he now accuses me of cheating at least once a day. I don't have really have any other family and basically no friends as he doesn't like me going out or doing anything with them. I know it's wrong but lifes goes by so quick and I have been trying to make everyone else happy and not really caring about me. When we got together I was pretty much homeless and he was the only one person I could rely on. I got pregnant because I was young and naive but DD is the best thing that ever happened to me so it's a blessing.

Not seeing your partner I mean. DSS is lucky to have you in his life, rich or not.

I am hoping if anything happened in my relationship I would still get to see DSS. I am always polite and civil to DSS mum and have never said a bad word about her so hopefully she won't mind this.

Agree that this has escalated somewhat; the last time I looked the OP was being advised to paint the room grey when there is clearly so much more going on. You need to break the cycle of living with an abusive man NOW for your daughter's sake if nothing else.

split the room, do neutral colours on 2 walls then paper a wall each and put their beds on their side of the room, i know a few people who have done this and it seems to look fine

Please get yourself sorted and get out. Your priority is you and your daughter. Please leave this pig. You are not a life raft for him to cling on to. Stay much longer and you will drown.

Ok so the update changes things. You and your DD need to get away from this man. DSS has his Mum, don’t stay because of him. Please believe me when I tell you it’s not just violence that will affect your DD, it’s how he speaks to you, the way he treats you, the way he makes you feel, the way he makes her feel. It’s cumulative and enormously damaging. You deserve better.

Read this op, fresh on the news today about violent fathers.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/resources/idt-sh/domestic_abuse

I just want to say that you sound like a lovely step-mum for considering all of this before you done something. Some would put their on ds's needs first without considering their ss.

Can't the bedroom be fun and colourful without being pink?! Ugg neither of my kids have gender specific decoration. They have yellow. At 2 she will not care and you will be whipping up a hornets nest by making him not welcome?

Oh op, please don’t stay in a relationship where you have to tow the line or your partner is violent. It is no good for you or your dd.

Ps if he's violent leave him.

OP.

I am genuinely terrified for you right now.

You have detailed that your partner:

1. is violent
2. has separated you from family and friends
3. doesn't allow you to go out
4. shouts and screams and is "always right"
5. controls you financially by essentially freeloading so all your money is spent on bills
6. leaves all DD and DSS care to you
7. has very sexist views on what a man and woman should do within a relationship

Please GET OUT NOW

You say you grew up with an abusive father. You are now in an abusive relationship and this is only going to get worse. You have no one to go to because he has orchestrated this, diminished your self worth and is now becoming violent. Classic abusive behaviour....

Honestly, I am begging you. Leave.

You are at your mist vulnerable when trying to leave please contact Refuge.
www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

*most

This is my very first LTB - please, please Op make plans to leave this awful man as soon as possible.

Thanks everyone. Appreciate the advice. I would leave but truth be told i'm terrified

Gosh well that escalated.

OP, you have your whole life ahead of you. Do not spend it with someone who is a violent layabout. Make 2018 a new start for you and your daughter.

Babysteps. Your uni must have support services - go and talk to them about your situation. Talk to Women's Aid. get some support for yourself quietly and make plans. There are ways out from under.

Jeez I didn't read the rest of the thread I until after I posted.
Do you have anyone in rl you can talk too?

Leave, Moonbeam18. You're already half way there, in that you are moving into a new house, so don't move this man in too.

I can understand that you are concerned about DSS. Can you tell his mum that you are leaving STBExP ? Give her the heads-up? After all, she knows what he's like and it might help the boy if his mum is prepared.
Who know (if you and DSS want it) it may be that you and she can sort out continued contact with you & DD, so that he maintains good contact with his sister.

Good luck!

Oh no no no. This is heartbreaking. You and your dd deserve a happy life. Please break free from this pathetic loser. You can't fix him or compensate for his poor parenting. There is help available. Keep talking here if it helps x

If you're terrified OP, ring woman's aid or go to your university. They will help.

What exactly are you terrified about?