In regards to step sons sleeping arrangements?

[Moonbeam18]

Been with my partner for 4 years. We have a 2 year old DD and he has an 8 year old DS from previous relationship.
His son stays friday night until sunday night every weekend. We live in a 2 bedroom house and I gave the kids the big bedroom and decorated it as neutral as possible so that sharing a room wasn't an issue. I got DSS a large bed with memory foam etc all to make him feel at home. Added accessories personally for him etc. However, he never spends time in this room when he comes. He literally goes in to sleep and comes straight downstairs when he wakes up.

The issue now is that we are moving into a 2 bedroom new build house (I can't afford to rent a 3) and the childrens bedroom will be much smaller. The large bed he currently has won't fit and I've got dreams of decorating it all lovely and girly the way my DD would absolutely love! Partners son has his own bedroom at home all week, decorated to how he likes it with all his things in etc. WIBU to buy a pull out bed and have it set up in DD's room for him at weekends? Then fold it away for rest of the week? I was going to let him choose his own bedding etc to make it feel more personal. Not sure if this is abit mean so thought i'd ask first. This will only be for a few years whilst I save for a mortgage. So by the time DD starts school, they should both have their own room. His mum will likely moan about this so thought it might be better to get others opinions before I go ahead and explain situation.

Thank you in advance

Darling, why can’t you leave him?

You deserve soooooo much better than this. You’re being treated like skivvy, nanny and banker by him.

He won’t get better and step up, can you honestly say your life wouldn’t be easier without him?

I think you should start a thread on the Relationship board.

You’re obviously a lovely, kind, intelligent woman but you’re being played like a fiddle

Your story makes me so sad, OP.

You’re two years older than my DD and she is young, free and single, has a great social life and spends all her earnings just on herself.

I hate to say this, but your “partner” saw you coming.

advice on keeping a kid happy and feeling welcome?
My dcs are currently away with dh in “the sticks” and “suffering” from a lack of tv
Ds is 7 and enjoying the board games, making cookies and just being with family.

Also your DP 32 and is not going to change.

If I left him poor DSS would have to stay with his dad at weekends god knows where. He will have nowhere to go as he has no'one else so there will be no stability for DSS. He would want DD overnight too but I think shes too young to have her routine upset now. Don't get me wrong I have tried to leave before as there are more downsides to him believe it not but he gets violent and I don't want the kids to see any of this. It would be awful for them to go through all that when I can do my best to make them feel happy and safe with me.

I agree with category 12. You have your youth, energy and life blood now - fast forward fifteen years and then consider where you will be...

Whatever else you do, don't have anymore dc.

Finish your course, and imagine life just for a minute with someone that does want to provide and put effort and love into your life.

I don't know why you are putting up with it. If you are not asking him to leave (and I can understand that) why aren't you putting your foot down? You don't have to give up and put up it. You could assert your expectations and needs at any moment. Sooner the better.

Stop being such a martyr!

Kids are resilient and your DSS will survive if you leave your DP.

He has a mother?

op, if he is violent and awful then you need to ask him to leave.

Dos can stay with his mother and go out for days with dp, he doesn't have to stay over. It is her job to keep him safe not entirely down to you.

This situation is awful for you. Please reconsider.

But whatever happens to your dss if you separate is NOT your problem.
Sorry I know it’s very blunt and hardship. And that you clearly care about your dss.
But he is YOUR DP responsibility, not yours. Finding somewhere to stay that is suitable to see his ds and his dd is up to him.

As for him becoming violent if you try to leave the relationhsip... THIS ACTUALLY THE ONE MOST IMPORTANT REASON FOR YOU TO LEAVE.
Sorry about shouting. Bit a good man doesn’t get violent regardless of the situation.
If he does get violent, what it means is that you need to plan and protect your dd.
But not doing so and staying, what you are showing your dd instead is that she should accept anything a man does, just in case he gets violent. That she should do her utmost to appease him and ‘jeopardy everyone happy’.
Do you really want to teach her That?

Love, you need to get out with your daughter, especially now you've said he's violent

You really need to leave him if he's violent. He will harm you and your dd's lives hugely. 2 women a week are killed in DV - you could be one of them, leaving your dd motherless. You can't shield her from what's going on at home, you're fooling yourself that you can keep them safe by staying. And it teaches the dc to what to expect for themselves in relationships.

Did you know he was an inadequate parent and provider when you chose to have a child with him?

The problem isn't the room, it's your OH. He is basically earning nothing after taking into the expense related with his travel. Maybe you could tell him to quit to be a SAHP so that you can take extra shifts in the short term and focus on your career long term. Presumably this will also cut nursery costs. Then he can go back to part time work when your DD goes to school. Or maybe he will finally realise that his behaviour is unacceptable and will actually try to provide for his children. Unfortunately you will not be able to accommodate both children (given that they are different sexs) for very long and the only one who will solve the problem is you by earning more money. In the mean time just ask you DSS what he thinks is best and go with that.

You are a hard working, clever and considerate young woman. You have got to leave him if there is a risk of violence. You will be protecting both children if you leave. Your stepson’s mother will need to step up to protect him. Your partner shouldn’t have unsupervised access if he is violent.

Please talk to Women's Aid.

Why did he split with DSS Mum?

OP if he’s violent then you and the children are at great risk.

You sound like a wonderful woman and I’d want to be your friend. You certainly don’t come across as a martyr to me but you have got yourself in way over your head here.

Your “partner” is not a good father and while you’re clearly a fantastic mum and stepmum there’s no way you can compensate for him and his failings. There just isn’t.

Who’s looking after you? You’re young, bright, ambitious, caring, kind, thoughtful, generous and eloquent. You’re unfortunately in a very bad relationship and seem to think you’re stuck there forever. You’re not.

Practically you know you can support yourself as you’re currently supporting everyone else already. If you split up DSS parents will have to step up. Your partner clearly won’t it could leave you and you’d probably never see your DSS again. That’s what makes step relationships so complicated anyway. I don’t share your fear that he’d try and have much contact with your daughter given his blatant lack of care for his son. You said you had to convince him to change his hours as he was quite happy not seeing DSS beforehand as he was choosing to work every weekend.

However impossible it seems, there is always a way to leave an abusive relationship. You have to keep yourself and your daughter safe. That’s the single most important job of being a parent. No child needs nice bed linen more than they’d benefit from mum no longer being scared of dad.

This boy is getting too old to share with your dd.
No violence acceptable

Tbh, if he had nowhere to see his son, he wouldn't have overnights with him. He was also perfectly happy working rather than seeing his son. You can't make him a good father - you're only making him go through (barely) the motions . You dss would be better off seeing him less, tbh - he's a violent, lazy, entitled guy with sexist attitudes and more interest in his xbox. Your dss has his own mother.

Your partner would have little interest in being a dad to your dd if you got away from him, and again if he hasn't the wherewithal to provide a home to have overnights, then that's all to the good.

Stop trying to make this work by the strength of your will and goodheartedness. Leave him. Make a brilliant life for you and your dd.

Op, you really sound like you're going to throw away your youth on this man. This life isn't a rehearsal for the real thing, it is the real thing. Unshackle yourself from this anchor of a man and move on. Your Dd will be all the better for it, as will you.

For your DD's sake, please leave.

Moonbeam yes your story is so very very sad.

I read your thread earlier and didn't have time to post about the DSS sleeping arrangements and popped back to see the updates on what your situation is really like.

You have received lots of advice already, I know but please please believe me that your children will be damaged to stay in this environment - is this how you want them to think an relationship is like? Firstly, the role model being set by your DP by him sitting around whilst you seemingly doing everything - I know this is not how you want your daughter to think is the norm nor your DSS whom you obviously care for a great deal. then onto the violence - you feel threatened because if you leave him, he will do something?

I do understand how you feel as my ExH was a violent and manipulative man who hate women and treats them appallingly. I don't know how I managed to leave because it took a long time and even the police couldn't persuade me but you can do it!

Plan plan plan but subtly and quickly and do not feel guilty.

I am actually begging you!
good luck be brave you are a mother and you can do anything

You aren’t going to change him. I know this is hard to hear but all you will do is make everyone unhappy.

I know you are trying to do the right thing but unfortunately in this situation you are going to make a change.

At the moment you think that you are doing the kids a favour by staying in this relationship. I really do inderstand this I have been there. But ultimately you are delaying the inevitable.

You cannot change him to be a good dad. Regardless of where he is living he will be a shit one.

I understand you have a bond with your ss. It could be possible after you dump this looser that mum will allow you to still him, albeit not all weekend every weekend.

When you dump this abusive looser if he comes back to abuse you there are legal steps you can take.

And like pp suggested contact woman’s aid.

You are looking at moving. Maybe this is the ideal time to leave him behind.

You are picking up everyone else’s inadequacies, OP.

You should not need to feel that you have to stay with a violent man in order to protect your Dss. Protecting him is his Mum’s job. (I wonder why she split with him??)

You sound lovely, responsible and caring, but you can’t run like a hamster on a wheel making everyone happy in impossible circumstances.

1. Look up the Freedom Programme.
2. Stop trying to ‘compete ‘ with the exes lifestyle. A cheery ‘we can’t afford it, we do THIS and that’s that’ is OK. Also, spending time in the XBox with him isn’t the worst his Dad could do.
3. Do not marry this man. When you do buy a house, make sure it is in your name only. IF you are still with him by then,

Which brings me to ...,

1. Look up the Freedom Programme .

P.S you can still stay in contact with your Dss if you split. Have him to stay, even. If his Mum agrees.

He is your Dss half sibling, after all.