In regards to step sons sleeping arrangements?

[Moonbeam18]

Been with my partner for 4 years. We have a 2 year old DD and he has an 8 year old DS from previous relationship.
His son stays friday night until sunday night every weekend. We live in a 2 bedroom house and I gave the kids the big bedroom and decorated it as neutral as possible so that sharing a room wasn't an issue. I got DSS a large bed with memory foam etc all to make him feel at home. Added accessories personally for him etc. However, he never spends time in this room when he comes. He literally goes in to sleep and comes straight downstairs when he wakes up.

The issue now is that we are moving into a 2 bedroom new build house (I can't afford to rent a 3) and the childrens bedroom will be much smaller. The large bed he currently has won't fit and I've got dreams of decorating it all lovely and girly the way my DD would absolutely love! Partners son has his own bedroom at home all week, decorated to how he likes it with all his things in etc. WIBU to buy a pull out bed and have it set up in DD's room for him at weekends? Then fold it away for rest of the week? I was going to let him choose his own bedding etc to make it feel more personal. Not sure if this is abit mean so thought i'd ask first. This will only be for a few years whilst I save for a mortgage. So by the time DD starts school, they should both have their own room. His mum will likely moan about this so thought it might be better to get others opinions before I go ahead and explain situation.

Thank you in advance

Yay! Great decision, Moonbeam.

Gather your 'army' from Women's Aid, police DV Unit, and any of the other sources of help and advice you can find. Virtual help and support on MN is great, but you also need help in real life.

You need to do this soon, quickly, and uncompromisingly. Meanwhile, keep your cards close to your chest as you don't want him to suspect - that way lies danger - so stay as normal as you can.

Keep posting. We are all worried about you, and it also often helps to get things down in black and white.

Good luck, lovely.

Thanks for your comments everyone. Had to come on here because i'm feeling so annoyed with myself. i've spent all day planning to leave DP (whilst he was at work) and researching everything etc. It felt really good and for the first time in a long time I stopped feeling just numb and actually quite excited about life. However, all that has gone now. He has come home from work and everything is just normal. DD loves the bones of him, you should see how excited she is when his car pulls up outside. She shouts 'daddys homeeee' and gives him the biggest hug. He's then all nice and normal and it makes me feel like the worst person in the world for even thinking of leaving him. He literally has no'one else but us. How can I do that especially when he's just being nice right now. I'm praying he says or does something negative to motivate me with my plan but until then I can't help but doubt myself. I'm trying my best to keep a distance but still act like everything is normal. It's so hard.
I know deep down he is going to hold me back in life. I know the constant accusations of being with other men everyday aren't right. I know that hitting me in arguments is wrong. I know I can't live to try and please everyone all the time without thinking of myself. But most importantly I want my DD to grow up and have nothing but amazing memories of her childhood.. not ones that are going to mess her up emotionally as an adult. I'm strong when he's not here and can actually picture our new life without him. It's a different story when i'm with him though. I just feel silly for even having these stupid daydreams and make a million excuses as to why I can't go. Not sure why i'm posting this. I guess it feels good to get my thoughts written down. And don't worry about me posting, he's asleep right now. He does usually check my phone on a daily basis but I always make sure to delete all traces of anything i've searched etc. If he knew my plans he would talk me out of them within the hour. If I am going to do this he definitely cannot know until it actually happens.

x

I'm so scared for you and your daughter. The reason he "only has you" is because he is an arsehole. You don't owe this abusive piece of shit anything - but you do owe your daughter the right to be safe and to have a mother who isn't being knocked around and controlled. Talk to someone in real life - it's all too easy to delete a mumsnet thread and pretend that everything you said wasn't real and that everything is ok. With real life support, you can do this.

Thanks for your response Hatingthebigshow- I know you are right and I think if I actually start talking about this in real life it will feel more of a reality.

I posted this earlier in the thread but I'm posting it again.
He's only non violent the rest of the time because you toe the line. What happens when dd starts asserting her personality? Will he be violent to her or will she learn to toe the line too - just like you did at home which ultimately led to you accepting an abusive relationship as an adult. Following that pattern DD will end up in an abusive home during her formative years and then continue into an abusive relationship purely because she doest know what a normal respectful relationship is like - just as you didn't/don't.

There is no way you can give your DD the future you want by staying with him You say But most importantly I want my DD to grow up and have nothing but amazing memories of her childhood.. not ones that are going to mess her up emotionally as an adult. It's a dream - a fantasy. It's messed up thinking on your part. Staying with him will screw her up. Leaving him and giving her a positive role model of boundaries and not having to tread on eggshells will give her a far better chance of not being messed up emotionally and having a happy future.

He checks your phone every day?

Oh Moonbeam. You know what you need to do. As I said before, being ‘nice and normal’ occasionally does not negate all the other, terrifying things you mention in your post.

We all know it isn’t as simple as just snapping your fingers and leaving, but as a first step please at least talk to someone in ‘real life’. I avoided doing that for so long as I felt like it would be disloyal to my ex if I did. As a result I ended up staying with him for so long that it very nearly destroyed me. Please don’t let that be you.

I am really terrified for you I really hope you’re ok.

I want to say this as gently as possible, but imagine your daughter posting all of the above in twenty years’ time. How would it feel to hear her say that her husband hits her sometimes and spies on her every day, but it’s ok because he’s nice and normal as long as she ‘behaves’?

You and she deserve so, so much better than this

How is this going to be in five years time ?
In 10 ?

You could be injured in an argument
Your dd loves him because she is programmed to.
But later when she talks back and he hits her?
Or hits you in front of her?

He is being "nice " bevause you are toeiing his li ne.
Tomorrow he will check your phone again accuse you argue hit you

Do not be fooled.

I bet when you were 2 you used to run to your daddy too.

I would decorate it for your daughter. He has his own room at home 5 days a week, your daughter maybe only two but she is there all the time, it's her 'full time' home.

So Sorry I posted without reading it all.

www.theguardian.com/society/2017/jun/17/we-didnt-recognise-that-he-was-dangerous-our-father-killed-our-mother-and-sister?CMP=fb_gu

Please read and consider you already know he is capable of violence towards you.
Get all the support you can to leave safely.

Your daughter won't care. Your partner needs to pull his finger out and make more money to provide! I would not want an 8yo boy in with a baby full stop.

Hi @Moonbeam18
I don't often post but I have name changed for this anyway.

I am about your age (24) and 4 years ago I was in a very similar situation to yourself, the only difference being my partner and I didn't have a child together.

He had twins (1 year old when we got together) from a previous relationship. He wanted me to meet them very early on but I wanted to wait until we had been together a while longer (I.e at least 6 months) rather than on our 2nd date. The arguments this caused...apparently I didn't care and wasn't interested. This should of been the first red flag but I was young.

When I did meet his children i was overwhelmed by how much of a 'great dad' he was. He was so playful with them and seemed so loving. I look back now and I realise he never catered for their basic needs. I changed their nappies and I made up their feeds. He was just there for the fun side of it.

Anyway we eventually moved in together and it became clearer how much more I did for his children than he did. I have read your posts and I just hear myself. I paid for the trips out, the new clothes , the food for dinner. All because he was on a lower wage than me and had no motivation.

Another similarity is the violence. As long as I played ball, like I get the impression you do, everything was fine. However if I ever disagreed with him or said I had had enough it would begin. I'm not going to go into as it is too hard but trust me I understand what it is like. I have also had hands around my throat.

This carried on until the beginning of the year. I just put up with everything, isolated from all who loved me and scared to leave for various reasons, mostly his amazing twins for the reasons you have stated after all who would look after on his weekends if I wasn't here?

At the beginning of this year I got diagnosed with PCOS and due to various factors (now haven't had a period for 13 months) I have been told it will be unlikely I can conceive naturally. Once I got over my sadness I took a look at my life and realised I was wasting it with my xp.

It has been hard and I have been heartbroken but 6 months on and I am so happy. I am me again. Away from the violence and the moodiness and the treading on eggshells. I also made contact with the twins mum and despite her (understandable) hostility towards dickhead ex she has recognised my care and love for them and I still see them.

This has been a very long post but I want you to know that you can escape this and you can be happy. In fact you will be happier without him. I know it is more complicated for you as you share a child but you and your child (And step child) deserve a non-violent happy life. I just hope you know that.

Sorry for how long this was....it has ended up being massively cathartic lol! If you want to pm me feel free. I wish you the best of luck. X

I hope you are safe and feeling better today.

I understand that seeing your DD with her dad makes you think it may be better to stay. Your child is little now and probably all the bad things happen when she is asleep or out of the way but there will be a time you won’t be able to hide them and there will be also a time when his aggression may turn towards her, especially after he realised that nothing can hurt you more than having your kids suffer his behaviour so it becomes another control tool. Hence why is better to leave when they are young and before they get damaged by growing up in a hostile environment.

I hesitated a lot in leaving my ex because he was such a good parent. He was obviously such a good parent he does his best to avoid paying child maintence and we have not seen him at all for years.

Get out before he gets your pregnant again to try to keep you there.

Oh, OP. I'm sending the biggest hugs.

You can do this.

He is not worth your sympathy.

You are enough.

Oh yes, be very certain of your contraception. It’s classic, keep the woman pg so she finds it harder and harder to leave. Get lots of pets and let her look after them, then it’ll be even harder for her to leave.

Entanglement after entanglement. Keep an eye out for them, and if he suggests getting pet just say maybe next year.....

You sound listen very moonbeam. My advice is hold off too much decorating for the moment and don't assume your DD will want a girly room when she's older. Mine didn't and being less concerned about pretty things has, I think, been good for her.

.. meant to write .. you sound very lovely moonbeam. (Not sure what happened there!)

Please get out, I stayed with my now ex Husband, he tried to kill me twice, he was a psycopath, I understood he went to this post boarding schhol as a teenager, it turned out he was in a young offenders institute for trying to kill his Father (I dont know how) He was always "sorry" after hitting me, never mind wasting your life, I nearly lost mine!