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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In regards to step sons sleeping arrangements?

222 replies

Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 09:36

Been with my partner for 4 years. We have a 2 year old DD and he has an 8 year old DS from previous relationship.
His son stays friday night until sunday night every weekend. We live in a 2 bedroom house and I gave the kids the big bedroom and decorated it as neutral as possible so that sharing a room wasn't an issue. I got DSS a large bed with memory foam etc all to make him feel at home. Added accessories personally for him etc. However, he never spends time in this room when he comes. He literally goes in to sleep and comes straight downstairs when he wakes up.

The issue now is that we are moving into a 2 bedroom new build house (I can't afford to rent a 3) and the childrens bedroom will be much smaller. The large bed he currently has won't fit and I've got dreams of decorating it all lovely and girly the way my DD would absolutely love! Partners son has his own bedroom at home all week, decorated to how he likes it with all his things in etc. WIBU to buy a pull out bed and have it set up in DD's room for him at weekends? Then fold it away for rest of the week? I was going to let him choose his own bedding etc to make it feel more personal. Not sure if this is abit mean so thought i'd ask first. This will only be for a few years whilst I save for a mortgage. So by the time DD starts school, they should both have their own room. His mum will likely moan about this so thought it might be better to get others opinions before I go ahead and explain situation.

Thank you in advance

OP posts:
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 15:09

I'm going to do it. I'm going to leave him and move with house with DD. You only get one chance at life why waste it

OP posts:
Jamboree05 · 28/12/2017 15:12

Yes, OP!!!

SouthWestmom · 28/12/2017 15:14

Bunk beds. Top half of the room blue with aeroplanes/Pokemon etc and bottom half pink and fairy garden like.

If you really want to do pink/blue or separate themes.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2017 15:16

Keep up noeuf Hmm

You’re brave and you and can do it OP Flowers

Theresnonamesleft · 28/12/2017 15:18

Take care of yourself op. Don't let him know your plans.
It's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it in the end.

BackBoiler · 28/12/2017 15:20

Cant you rent a three bed and let DSS have his own room.

BackBoiler · 28/12/2017 15:20

Sorry didnt read the whole post either!

What a turn of events!

pasanda · 28/12/2017 15:49

Op I really hope you mean that. Keep us posted, we're all rooting for you and I hope you've noticed not one person has advised you to stay.

Good luck.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 28/12/2017 16:06

OP, that is the nature of domestic abuse. You have been trained to feel guilty and responsible for the problem no matter how bad he behaves.

It may take years after you split for you to stop caring about his needs. So don’t trust your head when it tells you that if you tried harder, be better or stopped doing x, y or z he will be better. He won’t because hi violence and aggression has nothing to do with you, it is just the way he is.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2017 16:09

Yay! Good luck op x

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 28/12/2017 16:21

Please do as pp suggested and contact women’s aid, especially for advice about leaving safely
Good luck x

cestlavielife · 28/12/2017 16:26

Abusers don't strangle you every day
They don't need to
Google cycle of Abuse
Read why does he do that Lundy bancroft
You are tip toeing around to make him happy

Talk to your tutor and wom ens aid
Leave
Make a plan
But ready an escape bag with cash spare mobile charged up and documents now.
Do you have your own car?

Forget rooms and decor
You absolutely need to leave
Then if he comes banging on your door you call police 999

You can't be responsible for dss but you can tell police and his mother.

Petalflowers · 28/12/2017 16:41

Moonbeam -wishing you all the best for the future. You sound like an intelligent, organised woman. These are strengths you can use for a lovely future for, you and dd. It may take stealth and time to,plan, but you can do it. Let 2018 be a new start for you.

DivisionBelle · 28/12/2017 16:55

OP: contact WA.
Tell them you are in an abusive relationship, with a 2 year old and a DSS.
Tell them that he is verbally abusive, will not allow you to see friends, accuses you of affairs, and spends all your money.
Tell them exactly what happened when you told him you wanted to leave - tell them all the details: the strangling, the throwing stuff, the withholding of your keys, bankcard and phone.

Or

Contact your Police Domestic Violence Unit and tell them all this too.

The police and WA often work in tandem to help people.

You do need support to do this, and WA / The Police will he;p you.

Good luck.

Bear in mind what a PP said:

"Please believe me when I tell you it’s not just violence that will affect your DD, it’s how he speaks to you, the way he treats you, the way he makes you feel, the way he makes her feel" I would add:
The way she sees you running around trying to make everyone else happy but not valuing your own self.
The way she sees you taking all the responsibility and hard work, with no help or team work.
The way she sees you walking on eggshells around a man.
The way your Dss sees all this too: a woman putting herself last. Every male in the house, including him, being pandered to and tiptoed around....

Most of all, someone needs to look after YOU. Make that someone yourself.

BlackRod6 · 28/12/2017 17:20

Only just joining this thread - OP, completely right decision. This is the only life you get, he is not going to change. If you stay, two years later (or four, six, ten) you will be thinking how much easier it would have been to get out when you were so young and so much possibility ahead of you.

You'll be doing your best by your daughter if you leave, whilst she's too young to suffer too much damage emotionally. She deserves the best and you are giving it to her Flowers

Maybe start a new thread in relationships so you can get support as you make steps towards leaving? Remember to keep yourself safe - does he know you're on MN? Could he have access? Get all your ducks quietly in a row and do not give him a hint that you are leaving. Get copies of important documents - others will have better specific advice on this.

Do you have anyone you could trust to help you move on the day?

BlackRod6 · 28/12/2017 17:22

OP, I have a mother who ran around trying to keep everyone happy (including verbally abusive DF), and have really suffered for it. My mother would have said she did everything she possibly could for us, and she did try in her own way, but I'm still suffering as a result of my childhood years later.

Temporaryanonymity · 28/12/2017 17:24

My sons don't have a bedroom at their dad's. They aren't bothered and are a similar age to your DSS. They see my home as theirs. They just visit their dad's house.

SuburbanRhonda · 28/12/2017 17:29

OP, you say your DD wasn’t at home when you tried to leave a year ago. Who was she staying with? Could she stay there again once you have a date for leaving? And could you make it a week day so your DSS isn't there either?

frieda909 · 28/12/2017 18:06

He isn't violent when we are just living our everyday lives though. It seems only when I stand up to his behaviour he lashes out.

Oh gosh, OP. I came here to comment on the bedroom issue but obviously things have really moved on since then!

Your statement above is really, really sad. Can you take a step back and recognise that? You’re minimising his behaviour by saying that he’s fine as long as you do what he says. If you stay, that feeling will chip away at you over the years until you’re a mere husk of a person, as you constantly change and revise your behaviour to try to keep him sweet. I speak from experience, sadly Sad

Please keep posting here and good luck Flowers

SuburbanRhonda · 28/12/2017 19:25

OP, I’ve supported families where the children have witnessed domestic abuse. Believe me, the problems take years to unpick. Please leave this man.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 28/12/2017 19:42

Have you posted before op this post sounds oddly familiar with the step achildren n room situation and violent dp and child together.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 28/12/2017 20:01

I'm shocked at the Pp who thinks that because DSS has a room at home he shouldn't expect one at yours either?! What a way to make the lad feel uncomfortable.

Gender neutral room is the way to go and hopefully you can move in a few years so they can have their own spaces.

We have my DSC every weekend too- hats off to you OP it's tough!

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 28/12/2017 20:02

Sorry- totally hasn't seen the turn this thread took....

loveyouradvice · 29/12/2017 13:36

OP - it is the toughest thing you will ever do - and the strongest and the one you will look back on and think I DID IT. And you did it for yourself and your 2 year old DD, who is the best thing that has ever happened to you and you clearly love enormously: so enormously that you would do anything for her to make her life the best it can be

Do follow everyone's advice about leaving secretly and talking to Women's Aid etc

And do recognise that you will probably need your partner to be told not to come within 100 metres of you, or whatever - a close friend of mine had to do this and had superb support throughout it so do ask W aid and your tutor and the police how you achieve this to ensure you and your DD are safe. My memory - rather hazy - is that the police gave him this warning/restriction and that it was then ratified in court a few weeks later.... I know it was robust (and yes indeed made him very angry: as you know this will, but you and your DD are the ones who need looking after now.... Keep telling yourself that you are doing this so you and your DD can have a wonderful future together... You can and you will. Good luck. (flowers)

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2017 14:08

If you think that your DP would bother with either of his children if you split up, I think you're delusional.

But if you have a cordial relationship with his ex she would probably jump at the chance for you to have him fob him off with you at weekends

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