Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

In regards to step sons sleeping arrangements?

222 replies

Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 09:36

Been with my partner for 4 years. We have a 2 year old DD and he has an 8 year old DS from previous relationship.
His son stays friday night until sunday night every weekend. We live in a 2 bedroom house and I gave the kids the big bedroom and decorated it as neutral as possible so that sharing a room wasn't an issue. I got DSS a large bed with memory foam etc all to make him feel at home. Added accessories personally for him etc. However, he never spends time in this room when he comes. He literally goes in to sleep and comes straight downstairs when he wakes up.

The issue now is that we are moving into a 2 bedroom new build house (I can't afford to rent a 3) and the childrens bedroom will be much smaller. The large bed he currently has won't fit and I've got dreams of decorating it all lovely and girly the way my DD would absolutely love! Partners son has his own bedroom at home all week, decorated to how he likes it with all his things in etc. WIBU to buy a pull out bed and have it set up in DD's room for him at weekends? Then fold it away for rest of the week? I was going to let him choose his own bedding etc to make it feel more personal. Not sure if this is abit mean so thought i'd ask first. This will only be for a few years whilst I save for a mortgage. So by the time DD starts school, they should both have their own room. His mum will likely moan about this so thought it might be better to get others opinions before I go ahead and explain situation.

Thank you in advance

OP posts:

DivisionBelle · 28/12/2017 10:49

Your DH is the one who is responsible for thinking about his Ds’s needs and welfare as well as his Dd. Where is he in this discussion?

And I agree: it would be better if he recognised how much income is needed. In 3 years time his Ds will be nearly 12, not a great room sharing arrangement with a 5 yo Sister.

Original poster

Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 10:52

Thanks for your insights. I love the getting the bedroom ready for DSS as an adventure for DD at weekends. I agree the situation isn't ideal given that they are different genders and a big age gap. Makes it difficult but of course doable. My DP is happy at his agency job but the hours are long and the pay is crap. He leaves all home improvements, day trips etc for me to plan and pay for. I include DSS in all these trips and holidays. Would be nice if my partner planned more fun things for us to do rather complain it's a waste of money. But that's a different story for another day.. and in regards to DSS mum she's with a much wealthy older man and is often on holidays at the weekends, taking trips to different countries. It's okay for some hey

OP posts:

Original poster

Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 10:53

I'm almost finished with uni (in a few months) so will have a decent full time job and should be able to save up for mortgage

OP posts:

Saladtongs · 28/12/2017 10:57

*You're going to struggle saving for a mortgage in a few years working part time and with a partner who earns peanuts.

This is a long term problem, not a short term one*

This is the crux of the problem, not the two bedroom house issue. You will always struggle to afford things if your incomes are very uneven. Also, it seems your ambitions are mismatched and that gulf will become even wider after you graduate & get a career. This needs to be tackled now otherwise it will keep on manifesting itself in different ways.

troodiedoo · 28/12/2017 10:57

He's getting older and will value his own space more. Let him have your room when he stays, and you sleep on sofa bed or something.

Original poster

Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 11:00

I wouldn't mind giving my room up on weekends troodiedoo but dp wouldn't agree to sleeping on the sofas.

OP posts:

MrsMaxwell · 28/12/2017 11:02

OP this is MN if you do anything less than build an extension solely for your DSS you will get flamed.

People slagging off the OP partners job are twats.

HTH.

SuburbanRhonda · 28/12/2017 11:04

So you’re at uni full-time (by that I understand five days a week), work part-time (evenings? weekends?), do all the DIY and home improvements, and plan and pay for all the chidren’s activities, while your cocklodger of a partner sits in the background whinging that you’re spending your money on his kids?

I know you said your relationship is a topic for another thread but seriously, OP, what does he bring to the party? I couldn’t be with such a waste of space unless there’s something about him that you’re not telling us.

Popchyk · 28/12/2017 11:05

You may not be allowed to redecorate in the new rented house or put up pictures and things. Do check this. And even if you are, then you may have to put it back the way it was before you leave. And I agree with previous posters that the money spent on redecorating might be better saved up for a house to buy.

I wouldn't do any redecorating, just buy some nice stuff for DSS and your DD that you can take with you when you go. Duvet covers, rugs, beanbags, that kind of thing. They will make the room more personal and homely. Lots of ideas online for this.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 28/12/2017 11:07

I think if you're only renting it for a couple years I wouldn't faff about decorating too much anyway. The bed idea sounds fine with regards to the space issues but if you're planning to move out before she realises what it'll look like, what's the point? Obviously make it nice.

category12 · 28/12/2017 11:10

Your dp sounds like a cocklodger in waiting.

k2p2k2tog · 28/12/2017 11:11

Who's slagging off the partner's job? Does seem reasonable to point out though that although the OP is painting this as a very temporary issue which will be resolved soon as she's getting a mortgage and moving into a bigger house that with one half of a partnership earning very little and very erratically, the problem may be around longer than she thinks.

Original poster

Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 11:12

Yes, no point doing too much decorating (if they allow it). I will take DSS shopping for a few accessories/new bedding and can take these when we move. Aim to move in around 2-3 years if possible. In terms of my partner it is frustrating being with someone who is opposite to me. I'm ambitious, spontaneous and generous and he is tight fisted with money and is happy not moving forward through life.

OP posts:

Angrybird345 · 28/12/2017 11:13

Your dh sounds like a right loser, you sound lovely but a mug to be with him. You will end up resenting him.

abilockhart · 28/12/2017 11:15

MrsMaxwell Thu 28-Dec-17 11:02:54

People slagging off the OP partners job are twats.

The OP's partner has two kids to support. Only an idiot would think otherwise.

The OP's partner needs to try to find proper paying job in order to help house and support his kids. The little he is earning at the moment from agency work will dwindle when the economy slows down.

DistanceCall · 28/12/2017 11:16

He has his room at his mums house.he can not expect another room at his dads.

So his father's home is not his home. Nice.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 28/12/2017 11:17

It sounds like you are being very considerate of your DSS and that you want the best for both of your children.

I think you would do your DD a favour by steering clear of a pink princess bedroom. Someone mentioned a space theme - why not do something like that for both children. Help your DD to become a curious scientist, an explorer, someone who DOES rather than someone who sits around looking pretty. It doesn’t mean she will turn into a boy, it just means you can help balance out the onslaught of messages she gets as she grows up that her only place is the world is decorative and passive, like a pretty pink princess.

You can make a beautiful room with any other colour or style, most of which will be just as suitable for boys or girls. Try to think outside the pink frilly box!

MrsMaxwell · 28/12/2017 11:19

I have three step children and three children and I have a four bedroom house.

We pay/paid maintenance to both DH exes.

All the step children have their own room in their own homes.

The idea that they should also have a room here at the expense of the children who actually live here is only existent here on MN.

Original poster

Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 11:20

I know and all of his wage goes mostly to his car insurance and fuel to get to work. I do feel resentment sometimes and I try and discuss finding a nearer/better paid job etc but he starts shouting turning it into an argument and I hate that and avoid it best I can. At first he was working weekends and I was taking care of DSS and my DD from Friday to Sunday night. with no help from anyone. Poor DSS hardly saw his dad so I put my foot down for once and told him to speak to his boss and change his days- which luckily his boss agreed.

OP posts:

roundaboutthetown · 28/12/2017 11:21

Moonbeam - I agree, you sound like a lovely, thoughtful stepmum. But don't inflict a girly bedroom on your dd, let alone your dss! It's so unnecessary and would clearly be what you want, not what anyone else asked for!

Notreallyarsed · 28/12/2017 11:21

DD never had her own room, she shared with her much older stepsisters and it was tough to accommodate everyone’s likes and tastes, but we managed.
Her stepsisters are older now and too cool to come and stay so she’s very recently got her own bedroom in our new house (there’s a playroom with sofa bed for the girls if they do ever decide to come and stay).
Unfortunately I think it would be really unfair for your DSS to go from having his own space and his own things to having it taken away. Can you split the room down the middle? One side decorated for your DD and the other for your DSS?

Notreallyarsed · 28/12/2017 11:23

I do feel resentment sometimes and I try and discuss finding a nearer/better paid job etc but he starts shouting turning it into an argument and I hate that and avoid it best I can

And he knows it too, all he has to do is blow up and he gets his own way! Result for him, not so much for you and your child. He’s a twat. We all have to suck it up and provide for our kids, if he won’t, he’s a dick.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 28/12/2017 11:23

I would decorate the room for your daughter and do what you said. It's not fair on your daughter that he has essentially two bedrooms decorated to please him and she has none,though you got with a man with a child you should have expected stuff like this.

Auspiciouspanda · 28/12/2017 11:24

I think you should definitely get a proper bed for him as those day beds and pull out beds are crap to sleep on, especially if he's going from a nice big memory foam bed.

He's there 3/7 days every week so he should have a permanent space that's his as he'll get older he will be in his room more.

He might have two bedrooms whilst your daughter has one but your daughter has both her parents living in the same house, she doesn't have to go between two houses every week and had access to all her stuff all the time. There's pros and cons on both sides and it's not fair to only look at your daughters cons.

Whilst it may be more practical and seem more logical to have the bedroom decorated 100% in your daughters stereotypical gender there's nothing that says 'your just a guest here' more then not having your own bed or anything to call your own.

category12 · 28/12/2017 11:25

Why are you with this man?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread