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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In regards to step sons sleeping arrangements?

222 replies

Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 09:36

Been with my partner for 4 years. We have a 2 year old DD and he has an 8 year old DS from previous relationship.
His son stays friday night until sunday night every weekend. We live in a 2 bedroom house and I gave the kids the big bedroom and decorated it as neutral as possible so that sharing a room wasn't an issue. I got DSS a large bed with memory foam etc all to make him feel at home. Added accessories personally for him etc. However, he never spends time in this room when he comes. He literally goes in to sleep and comes straight downstairs when he wakes up.

The issue now is that we are moving into a 2 bedroom new build house (I can't afford to rent a 3) and the childrens bedroom will be much smaller. The large bed he currently has won't fit and I've got dreams of decorating it all lovely and girly the way my DD would absolutely love! Partners son has his own bedroom at home all week, decorated to how he likes it with all his things in etc. WIBU to buy a pull out bed and have it set up in DD's room for him at weekends? Then fold it away for rest of the week? I was going to let him choose his own bedding etc to make it feel more personal. Not sure if this is abit mean so thought i'd ask first. This will only be for a few years whilst I save for a mortgage. So by the time DD starts school, they should both have their own room. His mum will likely moan about this so thought it might be better to get others opinions before I go ahead and explain situation.

Thank you in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 09:57

I know I just want everyone happy and content. I think I just got ahead of myself with planning DD's room. Completely uneccessary as she is only 2 and not fair to DSS.

OP posts:
KenAdams · 28/12/2017 09:57

Why would you spend money on decorating a rented house you aren't going to be in for very long? Save that money to put towards your mortgage savings.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 28/12/2017 09:58

Also, I'd be more concerned about what's going to happen in a few years. When he's 13/14 he won't want to share with a 6 year old girl!

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 28/12/2017 09:59

Yabu at the age of 8 he needs his own space. DS was to sharing with DD4 when we had DS2 but we recognise he needed to have his own personal space so we have moved him back in a room on his own now DS2 is old enough to share with DD.

As he gets older he will need his own personal space not sharing with a little girl it’s not appropriate especially when he goes to secondary school.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 28/12/2017 09:59

Ken whilst I see your point, there's also the issue for renters of wanting a nice environment. I rent...I don't live in a featureless home which I haven't personalised!

user1493413286 · 28/12/2017 10:00

I’d try and go down the middle a bit, have the walls a neutral colour, girly accessories for your DD and what about a day bed that you can put big pillows on to make into a sofa during the week with a girly throw and take off at weekends with his choice of bedding

PoptartPoptart · 28/12/2017 10:03

OP, I just want to say that you sound lovely! You are obviously a great step mum to your DSS.

Inertia · 28/12/2017 10:03

Can you not still give the children the bigger bedroom in the new house?

One idea for now might be to have a neutral bedroom, but get DSS a cabin or loft bed so he has space underneath that he can treat as his own. DD could have her own themed bed once she's a bit bigger.

Looking longer term, your stepson will probably need a bit more privacy as he gets older. Perhaps he could then have your room at weekends, and you and your partner have a sofa bed?

LouHotel · 28/12/2017 10:04

OP you basically just described your DH as a freeloader. What are you actually getting our of this relationship?

He has two kids he's responsible for trying to do the best he can to provide.

Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 10:04

Great decorating ideas, thank you!

OP posts:
nannybeach · 28/12/2017 10:04

Have been in this situation myselfcould only afford a 2 bed house, so we took smallest room and I do mean small, not much over 6ft by 7, so step kids son 9, and baby daughter had to share, that room was pretty tiny, couldnt even have bunk beds because it was an old cottage,ceiling built in the loft space eaves on 2 walls so sloping. We made do no-one minded. room was painted white, DS had an ikea bed with wardrobe etc underneath,cartoon charactor curtains and bedding for him. Until my kids starting leaving home, no-one had their own room, and no-one minded.

allegretto · 28/12/2017 10:06

My twins are 7 and share a room (boy/girl) and it is "neutral" but they can each personalize the bit around their beds. This might work.

TaggieRR · 28/12/2017 10:07

You sound like a lovely step mum. Just a question from nosiness, why do you have your DSS every weekend? Does his mum never want to spend any weekends with him?

category12 · 28/12/2017 10:07

Are you sure that your ambitionless low income boyfriend is a good match for you, long term?

Snowbelled · 28/12/2017 10:12

Girls don't have to be pinktastic. We have a three bed. We have 4 DC, one of whom is my DSS who was 9 when his first sibling was born. We kept DSS having his own room until he was 16. Now at 21 he sleeps on a pull out. He hardly used his room but psychologically we wanted him to feel as equally important as his siblings. The three little ones shared until recently. We now have a girl and a boy sharing and never have decorated the room in a gender specfic way so they both feel its their room. TBH i find pink and princess stuff so insipid and uninspiring girls get enough of that outside the house that inside would be good to expand their influences. Your DSS sounds a grown up boy ehy not discuss with him ways to make it a place for both of them? Then he feels part of any decisions. He might say how about a wall for your DD. I love the sofa to bed idea above.

Pearlsaringer · 28/12/2017 10:18

Echoing what others have said, you sound like a lovely step mum, very considerate of your DSS’s needs and feelings, but your DP (and for that matter his ex) are not pulling their weight. Talk to your DSS (who also sounds like a nice kid) about what he would like and then get the other two adults to step up and play their part.

Pansythepotter · 28/12/2017 10:22

I don’t think a 2 year old really cares about wallpaper and paint. Why not paint it a neutral colour but with girly accessories. If she enjoys her brothers visits, you could make a game of getting the bedroom ready for him.

Changing the bedding into some like Space themed . This is non gender specific, so you could get matching bedding. Maybe a lamp, a rug and a toy chest that come out when he visits. If you make the weekends an adventure for her and for him you will satisfy both children.

My DS has 4 children and there is big age gap between the 2 that live mainly with Mum and the 2 that live with him. Bedroom sharing can be a problem. I think you are wise to ensure that your step-son feels that it is his home too.

froshiechipandbrickie · 28/12/2017 10:28

You sound like a lovely mother and stepmother.

But this is you DSS’s home as well. As for ‘unfair’ for DD to not have her own room... I actually fundamentally disagree!

Your DSS has two rooms, your DD lives with both her parents etc... their lives will be inequal in several aspects (be that the parents’s income, family situations, rooms etc).
But you and your DH can do is try to give both a stable home (even if it’s just for the weekends). Which includes not making DSS feel like a guest...

Anyhow, your OH’s financial situation is an issue imo. Sounds like he might be breezing around because he knows that you’ll provide.

froshiechipandbrickie · 28/12/2017 10:29

I don’t think a 2 year old really cares about wallpaper and paint. Why not paint it a neutral colour but with girly accessories. If she enjoys her brothers visits, you could make a game of getting the bedroom ready for him.

Changing the bedding into some like Space themed . This is non gender specific, so you could get matching bedding. Maybe a lamp, a rug and a toy chest that come out when he visits. If you make the weekends an adventure for her and for him you will satisfy both children.

That’s a lovely idea imo.

MsHopey · 28/12/2017 10:30

I think it's really nice that he wants to spend as much time with his family as he can. You don't see it often enough.

DistanceCall · 28/12/2017 10:32

Your daughter has a brother. You should take his views into account, because your home is his home too. I don't think that an 8-year-old will enjoy sleeping in a pink princess bedroom.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 28/12/2017 10:34

I know she’s only 2 yrs old now but I can understand your desire to let your dd have her own room. At the age of three my dd had preferences for her room that I’ve tried to make real.
Yes, dss needs to feel welcome. But you’re trying to make a home for your dd too, and how long can they be expected to share a room anyway?
There’s not enough room for the situation. Your dp needs to step up.

Thedietstartsnow · 28/12/2017 10:38

He has his room at his mums house.he can not expect another room at his dads...a pull out bed bed in the lounge ,or your room would be better

k2p2k2tog · 28/12/2017 10:48

You're going to struggle saving for a mortgage in a few years working part time and with a partner who earns peanuts.

This is a long term problem, not a short term one.

TheTasteOfInk · 28/12/2017 10:49

Did your dss have his own room at yours before dd came along?