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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In regards to step sons sleeping arrangements?

222 replies

Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 09:36

Been with my partner for 4 years. We have a 2 year old DD and he has an 8 year old DS from previous relationship.
His son stays friday night until sunday night every weekend. We live in a 2 bedroom house and I gave the kids the big bedroom and decorated it as neutral as possible so that sharing a room wasn't an issue. I got DSS a large bed with memory foam etc all to make him feel at home. Added accessories personally for him etc. However, he never spends time in this room when he comes. He literally goes in to sleep and comes straight downstairs when he wakes up.

The issue now is that we are moving into a 2 bedroom new build house (I can't afford to rent a 3) and the childrens bedroom will be much smaller. The large bed he currently has won't fit and I've got dreams of decorating it all lovely and girly the way my DD would absolutely love! Partners son has his own bedroom at home all week, decorated to how he likes it with all his things in etc. WIBU to buy a pull out bed and have it set up in DD's room for him at weekends? Then fold it away for rest of the week? I was going to let him choose his own bedding etc to make it feel more personal. Not sure if this is abit mean so thought i'd ask first. This will only be for a few years whilst I save for a mortgage. So by the time DD starts school, they should both have their own room. His mum will likely moan about this so thought it might be better to get others opinions before I go ahead and explain situation.

Thank you in advance

OP posts:
HermioneAndTheSniffle · 28/12/2017 11:28

May I point out that if your dss has a big bed, foam mattress etc but your dd doesn’t, you take the risk of building some resentment from her towards him too?
Just like you would have if their were siblings living together all the time.

Because they are different ages, they will have different needs. But you need to be careful not to over compensate ‘to make him feel at home’. Soon your dd will have a same size bed than your dss (if that’s not already the case). It would only be fair for her to get a similar sort of bed?

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2017 11:33

Like everyone else, I disagree with mrs maxwell.
People should be slagging off the dhs job. When he made the decision to have two children, he made the decision to provide for them. That means getting a job he might not like to do, as that's his responsibility.
If he doesn't want to sleep on the sofa, he shouldn't have had children he can't afford.

Cantuccit · 28/12/2017 11:35

It sounds like the room is the least of your problems, OP.

I think you are wasted on your OH.

Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 11:36

Definitely lots to consider with both children. Don't want either to feel left out but it's difficult given the situation. But I will do my best for DD and speak to DSS and see what he would like. Since i'm on this topic with DSS I am also having another issue. Last year DSS mum got with a very rich older man so DSS is often abroad or on holidays in term time. I feel bad for him because at home he is used to having whatever he wants now- trips out/restauraunts after school etc and here we can't afford to do much. Poor DSS has started to resent this and complains often that we don't go on holiday enough or buy him enough treats when we're out. I am struggling to keep him happy and not sure what else to do. I want him to have fun here and even though we don't have much money I try to play games at home, build dens, movie days etc but nothing seems to be working. Does anyone have any advice on this?

OP posts:
MrsMaxwell · 28/12/2017 11:38

Yes - don’t pander to him and spoil him.

category12 · 28/12/2017 11:40

Ask yourself why it's all on you?

MissDuke · 28/12/2017 11:41

OP you sound lovely, truly you do. However maybe it is his fathers attention he is craving rather than yours? Your OH sounds like a complete waster, sorry! Imagine you having to convince him to be around on the days his son is there Shock Dreadful!

Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 11:43

I know it does seem all on me but that's because otherwise everyone would be miserable. I can't leave my DP. I don't want to think about what weekends for DSS would be like without me there

OP posts:
littlebird55 · 28/12/2017 11:46

I would decorate the room in a beautiful pale blue (my dd room is like this) and with white and grey it looks gorgeous. Girls should not be encouraged to go down the pink route too much at an early age.

If you did this both would be happy sleeping in there. He can have the pullout bed with matching bed linen. DD can have splatters of baby pink that matches the blue, and both would be happy.

A gift for each for their new room - and tell him you are saving for a bigger house and one day he will have a room all of his own. He will love for caring so much, and doing your best to accommodate him. Your dd can choose her own colours for her room in 4 -5 years.

Theresnonamesleft · 28/12/2017 11:46

Don’t pander or spoil him.
Don’t marry your partner. Imagine when the relationship breaks down, if married he would have a claim to a house that you bought.
When you buy the house don’t put his name on it either.

Many people aren’t ambitious. However they step up and provide for their families. Unless they are cocklodgers and sponge off everyone else

Blackteadrinker77 · 28/12/2017 11:46

You're trying to be all things to everyone and it is unsustainable. Why are you playing tent days etc with DSS, what is his Dad doing?

You sound so lovely but I feel like this is a melting pot waiting to happen.

I'd decorate the room cream the add the coloured items to each side.

You need to make your OH see that he is not being 50/50 here in the relationship. Over the years either me or my husband was the main earner, that then made the other the main carer of the home and the children.
You can not do everything. He needs to step up big time!

xxJoJoxx · 28/12/2017 11:47

This wont make popular but how long do you expect your daughter to keep sharing with her step brother? At the moment they are 2 and 8, so will it stop at 4 and 10, or 6 and 12? You need to be looking at long term solutions to this issue, not quick fixes that will need reviewing again. Is it possible to do a loft conversion? Board it out, velux window etc.

And I'm really going to upset the apple cart - I personally don't think it appropriate she is sharing her space with what is effectively a stranger about to hit puberty.

seventhgonickname · 28/12/2017 11:47

At this age your DSS is old enough to understand you telling him that you do not have enough money for treats/holidays.
I also think that he may becoming resentful that is is you playing, making things fun.It should be his dad.
What does you partner do with the children?Does he give his son any one to one time?If not then as DSS gets older this may become more of a problem.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2017 11:49

Op, why can't you leave your dp? He seems to be the root of all your problems. What do you like about him?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 28/12/2017 11:49

Why are you with him?

You've seen first hand how he is as a parent, given he's not stepped up to ensure his son is adequately housed etc. Why then add another so money is even further stretched and DS misses out even more.

littlebird55 · 28/12/2017 11:51

It is not down to you to match his mother's wealth.

I would be quite firm that each house is different financially.

You really should sit him down and gently explain the differences of income, you are studying etc and that although he will always be comfortable and loved and cared for in your home, it is not an arms race as to who can buy the most for him. It sounds like his mother is spoiling him terribly - perhaps out of guilt - do not get drawn in.

Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 11:52

Yes I feel like i'm always worrying about this stuff but DP doesn't. The time they spend together is mostly on the xbox. He does love them both but doesn't do the little things like I do. He would say that is because he is a man or something along those lines. I don't know how to keep everyone happy at the moment. It's really hard. It doesn't help that i'm 24 and my partner is 32. He should be more maturer than me but he definitely isn't.

OP posts:
HermioneAndTheSniffle · 28/12/2017 11:54

TBH his dad needs to be much more involved than he is.....
And the answer to ‘I dintbhave as much treats’ is a plain and simple NO and ‘we do things differently in this house. We stay at home/go to the beach/play boards games/insert whatever activity rather than going out for a meal out’

In effect, what you see is that he is starting to be spoil and is now expecting everything. Even if you could actually afford to do that, it might not be the right th8ng to do anyway.

And please don’t try and recreate whatever he has at home. He might be grumbling it’s different, it doesn’t mean you have to pander to whatever he wants. Just like you wouldn’t do it with your dd.
It’s not about keeping your dss happy. Its about parenting him, the same way you would with your dd.

And errr... I would also have a look at your relationship. I know you are saying you don’t want to leave your DP but there are a few things that are wrong there and you need to address them.

Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 11:54

Thank you- think I will explain to DSS about incomes. He has been making comments lately that we're poor here and he's rich at home. It's not his fault but would be better if he could understand the situation.

OP posts:
HermioneAndTheSniffle · 28/12/2017 11:56

It’s not an issue with maturity.
It’s the fact he doesn’t see any of the ‘small’ Things you are doing (which actually are pretty big btw) as a man’s job or his responsibility.
Hence the comment of ‘that’s because he is a man’

seventhgonickname · 28/12/2017 11:57

You say 'I can't leave my DP'.
You have obviously thought about it and realise that if things do not change you will have to.Most of us would have perhaps said'I love my DP too much to leave him'.
You will break trying to keep everyone happy and your DSS is already realising that you are doing everything.He will resent you because his father isn't giving him the attention he needs and he may start to copy your OPs treatment of you.
You sound a lovely,intelligent woman.Once your university course s over you need to take a deep breath and evaluate.All the best.

Original poster
Moonbeam18 · 28/12/2017 11:57

I know. The small things I do like making sure DSS has spare pyjamas here, washing his uniforms and helping with his homework etc. All should be done by his Dad, I agree. But he just doesn't bother.

OP posts:
HermioneAndTheSniffle · 28/12/2017 11:58

I wouldnt explain about the difference in wages ybh.
It’s likely that it will then come back as you not being as good as.... esp if this is something he hears when he is at his mum’s too (I assume this is where the ‘you are poor, we are rich’ comment is coming from)

Just stick to the ‘we just do things differently’.

category12 · 28/12/2017 11:58

You're 24, you have your head screwed on and a bright future ahead. But this man will drag you down and wear you out.

littlebird55 · 28/12/2017 11:58

It is not your job to make everyone happy.

Dp needs to develop a sport or hobby with his son so they are not stuck inside on the xbox.

Please make sure you protect your assets. You are young but you sound smart. Protect yourself just in case.

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