To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

curry sorry but that's practically unheard of on mn. Bloke is always in the wrong, regardless

Except its all over just this thread! Your bias is so strong you are blind to it, that's all.

OP herself acknowledges her DP is at fault in this scenario so it isn't like posters are just making stuff up to make him the bad guy.

Oh I’d totally forgot about the obsessive gaming. That’s why he doesn’t have them at his house. Makes total sense now.

My mother and aunt are really supportive which I think I could do with this Xmas. I'm going to go and try make the most of it. Mum's coming here at 5.30 to help me with my overnight bag, laptop etc. Bless her.

I may have come across a bit blind when I first posted as though I don't realise I'm being mugged off, I definitely do see the warning signs and my poor aunt in particular never hears the end of it. My family have been telling me for months he needs to get his house in order and create boundaries and a proper arrangement for everyone, they are frustrated on my behalf about it all because they know it upsets me. Ive been complicit in it all by not putting my foot down more because I didn't want to be the reason his children see less of him.

To be balanced I think they are both equally wrong at times. He doesn't assert himself and stand up to her in regards to bringing the children here or them being around me, she knows he won't make a stand therefore she's free to lay down her rules and knows he won't go against anything she says. (Summarised well by @Donny)

Those factors combined means their current and subsequent arrangements tick along how they are with no party pushing for change. It suits him to not kick up a fuss and upset her and it suits her to be the one holding all the cards. This arrangement works for them, it's just me who gets the shit end of the stick.

She does like the fact she's able to control things but that's not to say she's the big bad wolf because who knows what she would be like if he grew a pair of balls and formalised access.

I won't be putting up with this when my baby arrives because he is innocent in all of this and although I've been prepared to put my own feelings on the back burner for the sake of his kids, I won't let mine become secondary

So next Christmas I'm guessing you and your baby will be alone Xmas day as you partner will be at his ex's house with her and their children.
Of course you've allowed it this long so I can't see it changing I'm afraid.

It sounds like you are developing a good insight into their dynamic, and see that blame lies at both their feet. I said earlier that you should take a stand and stay at home but I actually think it will be far better for you to be around family who are supportive especially if your Mum will be there too. I hope you can have a nice relaxing break with them.

Thank you I'm definitely going to my aunt's. I was going to make a point of staying here and seeing how he handled it but there's no point in spiting myself or letting my family down just to observe what I already know will be the case tomorrow

He doesn't assert himself and stand up to her in regards to bringing the children here or them being around me

I wouldn’t be so quick to believe he actually wants to bring them round. If you do stay with him and he brings them round, don’t jump into parenting them. Stand back and watch how much he does himself.

'It's a shame men like this don't come with red flashing lights'.

All men with kids come with red flashing lights.

The OP is a grown woman who knew the score.

He's going to see his kids on Christmas Day and rightly so.

Lol can you believe I actually felt a bit sorry for him until today. I had visions of him going there seeing them for a couple of hours then coming home and being alone on Xmas day with no Xmas dinner. I was stupid in that instance because I can guarantee he will be there all day. Silly me

Maybe it's hard to accept but some women are bitter and twisted just as some blokes are crap parents
This ^^
Mum has a new partner & new partner moves in = new partner is clearly a much better father than the children's actual dad
Dad has a new partner (and mum doesn't like it) = dad must be awful, lying to them both, new partner must have been the other woman abd mum is totally reasonable to mess with contact

In the OP's situation:

1. The DP needs to grow a backbone, formalise contact and sort himself out
2. The ex needs to stoo being such a bitter, jealous bitch who uses the children as a way to score points

I feel for the OP in all of this.

Maisypops I don’t see where the ex has moved a new Man in?

I think maisy was talking hypothetically

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree I don't think MaisyPops is saying ex has a new man. Just highlighting a dual standard.

MaisyPops did not say the ex has moved a new partner in. She is comparing the typical MN reaction to two similar situations. Only the second applies in this case.

prh47bridge 1DAD2KIDS Tumbleweeds24
Yes. Hypothetical.
Just highlighting a double standard which is all too common on MN in my opinion.

The attitude towards men's new partners on here is often awful and the way mums must always have a just reason for otherwise bitchy, mean behaviour annoys me.

Whilst on topic I would be interested to see how DP would act if his ex did happen to move a man into the house

How old are the children op?

I don't know tumble. But i would put money that the ex would be part of the typical MN brigade of 'my mean ex who i stop seeing the kids does nothing but my new DP is the most bestest ever daddy in the whole widest world'.

@greensky

They are 5 & 7

Oh so an irrelevant situation to this thread then.

How do you think he would react OP? Not well i assume?

I think maisy was talking hypothetically

No, points 1 & 2 are specifically stated as addressing your situation. From point 2:

The ex needs to stoo being such a bitter, jealous bitch who uses the children as a way to score points

I'm not seeing the evidence that the Ex is a bitter, jealous bitch using the children to score points.

Everything the OP knows is second hand from a spineless DP who has a long track record of being a bit crap with the OP.

An Ex wouldn't need to be bitter or jealous to mistrust the DP which the OP has described in many posts on here.

The attitude towards men's new partners on here is often awful and the way mums must always have a just reason for otherwise bitchy, mean behaviour annoys me

Really? We must read different threads. Of course it may simply be that as most posters here are women you here more about bad ex husbands. I work in a male dominated industry and I hear far more about bad ex wives. I don't assume they represent the total of human experience either.

Knowing him like I do. I think if it was the ex who had a new relationship and was living in the house with the children he would probably give it the "he better not be playing dad to my kids"

I asked him once. How he would feel if she were to meet a man and they become serious. His reply was "my kids are my kids" so yano what, I don't think he would be too happy about it either.

Makes for interesting thinking.