To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

It suits him to not kick up a fuss and upset her and it suits her to be the one holding all the cards.
It doesn't suit him since you said he felt bad that you could be left alone and is actually relieved you are going to your aunt. What if you'd been poorly and unable to travel? What if you were on bed rest order by your doctor, what would he have done then?

I really don't buy the 'it suits him'. I think he does it because he feels more guilty towards her than towards you, and for him to feel guilty towards her, there must be a reason, the same reason why she thinks she can make demands knowing he won't fight back.

I think it suits him very well indeed. He gets to be the poor hard done by Dad and blames her for minimal contact when reality is that he’s not really interested in having more contact or doing any parenting.

It would be interesting to see how much parenting he does to OPs child. Or will there always be a game to finish.

C8H10N4O2
In my experience, men who bitch about their exes usually focus on things they dislike about their ex now they've broken up/things that happened when they broke up.
Women who tend to bitch about their ex seem to tend to conflate gripes in their relationships with their ex's ability to parent. Aka. He was a great dad when we were happy together but now we aren't together he was always a terrible father and my children are better off only seeing him when it suits me.

In the OP's situation, the DP should have more of a backbone but equally his ex sounds like a right one to love holding the access to the kids as it suits (and exactly like some women I've known in real life too).

I agree he needs to get proper visitation sorted and not let the ex dictate so much.
I, also, feel he needs to compromise on Christmas day. Morning and early afternoon with the kids and late afternoon, evening/night with you.
Stay home and tell him to be home by X time.

I think part of the reason he doesn't stand up to her is because he feels a degree of guilt for leaving her holding the kids and being a single parent effectively.. so he feels obligated to accept her rules and way of doing things because he doesn't think he has a leg to stand on morally because he walked out and broke up a family.

She does the school runs cooks the meals tucks them in at night etc, he on the other hand has it easy and gets to be there for the important or exciting stuff without shouldering much of the responsibility as he only sees them a few times a week. He doesn't feel as though he has any real right to dictate his own contact arrangements because he walked out and left them.

I mean he's always had contact since he left but days out etc doesn't equate to the important stuff does it, and he knows that and because she's the primary carer he very much feels like she has the right to hold all the cards and make the rules. He's very reluctant to upset the balance primarily because he thinks she will stop his access but also because he feels he's lucky to be seeing them at all.

It doesn't make sense to most but I know how he thinks most of the time

It makes sense to me, my exh was in a simialr position when we got together (he had 3 children with his ex), when I got pregnant with our first his ex got a bit funny about it and tried turning the dc’s against him. He felt he just had to do what she was asking so he could continue to see them. Things did get easier and I ended up being friends with his ex wife and ended up being close to my step children (we still are). It is very hard for dads as they know that the woman holds all the cards and can stop contact. The best thing to do is get something in writing for contact, either through a solicitor (if she agrees) or through court (if she doesn’t agree).

He wanted to leave her though, not the kids.

This thread has made me think it is interesting how mothers always seem to think they get to dictate when it comes to the kids and men and some women, always think the man gets to dictate when it comes to money in a separation.

That's what he's said several times @lovemusic that he feels like he's just gotta do what he's gotta do when it comes to her terms so he can see the kids and they don't miss out on having him in their lives

"I don't want the kids to suffer" is something he says often

@Tumbleweeds24 "I don't want the kids to suffer" is something he says often

Bit weird to suddenly have mum and dad playing happy families all Christmas Day though, isn't it? Like things are back how they were.

Then, what? he just packs up and leaves them again?

That's going to confuse the fuck out of them.

The thing is, if he arranged proper contact he would also be doing those things like school runs and tucking them into bed. He needs to sort it, but not because you told him to, because he wants to. Otherwise there is no point. It’s not real and will create stress for all concerned. He has to want to parent. Not just because his current girlfriend is telling him to.

If say before you leave, why don't you come over to my aunts at 12pm would be nice to spend a Christmas together before the baby arrives? See how he responds.

It gives him a time limit to be out of his exes for.

And if he says no, or is too late, you have your answer OP

Fwiw, I think you’re in for a lifetime of being let down by this man. Both as a partner and as the parent who will pick up the slack when he fails to do his part. Sorry OP but people rarely change that much. He is who he is. He is showing you who he is.

Yeah @ShotsFired I agree it is weird. It will confuse them, particularly the older one. For the younger ones birthday a couple of months ago they went to a soft play area together, all three of them. For the older ones birthday they went to the zoo as a family. I asked does he not think that's confusing for the children, he said he can see that it may be but at the time he just wanted to keep everyone happy.

I didn't say anything on the occasions themselves because again, me starting a fuss resulting in him not going would have only hurt the kids. So i kept schtum and only raised it afterwards.

@Claryfray I've invited him already but he's yet to accept or say no. I'll ask again and see what he says

@Donny that may well be the case. If it doesn't change when our sons here then he can go back to her house for all I care because my priority will be my child above a relationship hands down every time

OP: Look, some if it may be jealousy and bitterness on the part of the ex-wife. It can and does happen.

However, as you say you think she is a good mum, I think there may be reasons his ex has concerns. There may be a reason your partner hasn't shared these reasons with you (because it suits him to blame ex). I think from previous posts your partner has had issues with gaming- perhaps in the past she has issues with this?

Also, can you really not see that him not telling her (or the children) about you until you were pregnant was likely to cause issues? I wouldn't trust his judgement re his DC if he think the best way to handle a difficult situation like this is to hide the relationship from her (and the DC) and only announced he had a new partner when she was heavily pregnant. I don't know how he told her, but I think how you told her and the children matters e.g "Hi ex-w and DC- here's my partner. We're having a baby!" or similar, without laying any groundwork (or giving her the opportunity to lay the ground work with what are quite young children) would not be good. If this was handled badly, I could see why she doesn't trust him (and by extension you) and has reacted angrily.

You say the children like you. They may appear happy when they are with you. But what if it isn't quite so straightforward? They may genuinely have had a nice time with their dad and you. But you have no idea how they reacted when they were at home. I have a very good friend whose children were all happiness and light when with dad and his new partner. But anxious and worried about it at home, especially when new baby came along- they then became worried that he'd love new baby more so they had to be "extra good" and make a good show of being very happy and no bother when with dad and step-mum. But all was not well and they didn't want their mum to talk to their dad about how they felt, in case Dad was cross with them. So friend had all the difficult stuff while ex and new partner thought everything was hunky-dory. They never picked up on it until she let them know. Contact did have to change, because the children needed to develop a stronger relationship with dad, independent of his new partner. His partner, who is lovely, was happy to take a step back whilst things settled.

I have no idea, maybe none of these things are relevant to your partner and his DC. Maybe ex is just being difficult and your partner has gone along with it for an easy time. But I would suggest there is the possibility that there is a lot more to it.

It's amazing how much you're putting his kids first however I feel there is a lot of pussy footing around. He's pussy footing round his ex and your pussy footing round him and his ex is ruling both of you. You are putting his kids feelings first but their Mum isn't. He needs to get contact sorted legally and you all need to get on with your lives including his ex.

If that was my DP, he would not be coming back! I cannot abide spineless people. What about next Christmas? Staying that long at his ex is excessive and emotional blackmail. Fuck that playing happy family at the expense of a new partner who is pregnant. You weren't the other woman. She can take a running jump!

It's entirely probably that she had problems with his gaming too as it wasn't something that he had only just gotten into when he met me, that being said once I finally put my foot down about it after posting here he fixed up and stopped it. She doesn't seem the type to put up with something she's not happy with (nor he somebody who would go against her) so I suspect if it was ever a problem for her it was quickly nipped in the bud.

Completely understand what you're saying about the children and how dad having a new partner and baby on the way could affect them. I'm happy to stay out of the way whilst he has contact for now and have said so many a time, offering to leave the house whilst he has them over, it would appear that still isn't an option as she doesn't trust him to bring them here full stop because she can't guarantee I won't be here. I'm not trying to take their mums place to am happy to respect his exes wishes in regards to staying away, for now, but it seems this is something she wants indefinitely and i don't see that changing. Her stance is she doesn't want her kids around another woman full stop.

In an ideal world he will have his contact independent of her and i will stay away on the understanding i be introduced more regularly once our baby arrives and we can foster a relationship between all three children, sadly I don't foresee this happening without him putting his foot down and that isn't likely either.

Struggling to see a positive outcome. I feel I will have to reach out to her myself once baby is here because I can't rely on him to broach anything with her that goes against her wishes

Glad people don't think I'm being unreasonable in my position

You've been more than reasonable. He's being a ass. Did he accept your invite?