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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

998 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:00

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 14:53

OP says the EX and DC were told about her 4-5 months ago. She is 8 months pregnant now.

C8H10N4O2 · 24/12/2017 14:53

She can be as bitter as she likes, but that shouldn't allow her to dictate who the father sees the children with

It is however unrealistic for an RP to be smiley and happy about the children going to stay with the NRP's new partner if that relationship was the death of the marriage leaving the RP to pick up the pieces. It takes time.

In this case, the OP wasn't the OW but the DP only introduced his children to the OP a few months back? Did his ex even know about her before the kids came back and talked about their DF's new family and the baby?

She will have to come to terms with it, the court/court mandated mediation may be the only way. OP why is your DP so reluctant to formalise things and why are you so sure she wants him back?

TBH having read some of your previous posts I'd want to know her side as well.

Foodylicious · 24/12/2017 14:53

Could he say there for a few hours then join you at your aunts for early evening?

swingofthings · 24/12/2017 14:55

Yes, he would get his way in court. But that does not mean she would comply with the court order. If she is determined there is a real possibility that he would never see his children again.
Judge don't see well to this at all and no, she wouldn't get away with it at all. It could be a demanding battle, but he would get his way in the end, unless the mother had a good reason to be concerned.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 14:58

He has always asked but been told no. I don't know why that is, but I know the latest reason, because he lives with me.

You mean he says the reason is you. But there was a reason before you. So you arent the reason, he has just kindly decided to put the lane on you. Nice. I’d be interested in hearing the real reason. Most likely, he just didn’t want to have them overnight.

OP, I suspect that actually very little has changed in their contact arrangement since you were announced. I reckon he always had his contact for a few hours in the evening at her place but he told you he was taking them out places to impress you. Very easy to lie as you weren’t living there. Then you moved in and he had to come up with a reason why he wasn’t having them at his house (to cover up for the fact he doesn’t want to) so he has said it’s all the EXs doing. Honestly, you’re being played.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 14:58

@foody

I've said to him that he is welcome at my aunt's after he's seen the children, he hasn't accepted or rejected the offer. It is my opinion he is downplaying the amount of time he intends to spend there so I don't get upset. There has clearly been conversations between him and his ex about their plans for Christmas for him to be able to say with such certainty that he Is going to spend about 6 hours there. He is clearly welcome and i suspect a family day has been arranged, under the guise of normality and a nice Christmas for the children

OP posts:
MrsSHolmes · 24/12/2017 14:59

Your a lot nicer than I am OP.

Yes, it would be nice for your DP to see his children on xmas day but 6 hours and dinner? While your pregnant? Fuck no.

Your DP needs to get a court order for over night visitation for his children. Costly yes, but beneficial for you, your partner and his children.

This way his ex could not say anything at all about him having his children over night.
When the children are with him, he is their parent and he has a right to introduce them to anyone who wants as long the children are safe.

What will happen next xmas?
Your pregnant with their half sibling,hes ex needs to get over that. What will he do?leave you and your child on xmas day, FUCK NO.

get a court order pronto

C8H10N4O2 · 24/12/2017 14:59

The custodial parent holds all the cards and this can very well be abused

And the NRP usually controls the finances which can also be abused. It may be coincidence but where I've known an RP being 'difficult' about contact it has always been triggered by either the NRP dicking around with child maintenance or dicking around with the contact itself (late changes, not turning up, letting the kids down etc).

In any of those circumstances the RP has absolutely no power other than being "difficult" about contact. Going through the courts is no guarantee for them either - that aspect works both ways.

CurryWorst · 24/12/2017 14:59

He has always asked but been told no. I don't know why that is, but I know the latest reason, because he lives with me

That's what he tells you. That doesn't mean its actually the truth. He's probably telling her that you won't let him have them overnight.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 15:00

@Donny

I suspect you are right about him having always spent a portion of his contact at her house. That has been the topic of disagreements in the past when I've refused to believe he would be taking the children out late in the evening when it's dark.

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 15:00

Goodness you are so very passive OP. He picked well.

troodiedoo · 24/12/2017 15:01

Having read all your posts it does sound like you were the unwitting ow.

Men don't usually leave unless they have somewhere to go.

Hope you manage to have a nice day with your Aunt.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 15:02

Aww you need to wake up pet! Come on! You know the answers to these questions. Why are you so eager to be with someone you know is lying to you? You can’t be that desperate for a relationship.

funkyzebra · 24/12/2017 15:04

Could you have a polite chat with her (when he is not around) face to face if possible. You could explain to her about the situation and this chat may reassure her that you are fine to be around her children?
Maybe as a bit of a compromise at first you could have the kids round at yours and your partners and allow her to stay for a bit so she is reassured that all is ok.

Loveactuallyoctopus · 24/12/2017 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

1DAD2KIDS · 24/12/2017 15:07

Loveactuallyoctopus that is the MN default setting

prh47bridge · 24/12/2017 15:07

Judge don't see well to this at all and no, she wouldn't get away with it at all. It could be a demanding battle, but he would get his way in the end, unless the mother had a good reason to be concerned

I can only presume you have little experience of the family courts.

The reality is that the RP is almost invariably given multiple chances to comply with the order before any action is taken, mainly because judges worry that enforcement will worsen the conflict between the parents. When action is taken it is often ineffective. Fining the RP, making them do community service and even short periods of imprisonment are not enough to force a determined RP to allow contact.

CurryWorst · 24/12/2017 15:09

Why on every single thread like this must the bloke be lying, not paying maintenance, saying ex is crazy when they're not etc etc

someone has to give some balance to all the "she's a bitter bitch and can't get away with doing X...." bollocks, don't they? Only fair.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 15:10

To be honest posting on here has only confirmed what I was trying not to admit to myself. It's a bloody joke in its entirety and the only ones suffering now and in the near future are me and bump. I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt for ages, having never had any other reasons not to trust him. I've been span a web for a while now about how things will be different when our baby arrives and how I'm not to worry because bump will definitely have a relationship with older siblings.

I don't think anything is going on between them at all but appeasing her will most likely always come before my own feelings. I also suspect that when the baby is here and she continues to kick up a fuss about their kids not being around me, he will continue to go along with it because he doesn't want the head ache of her stopping access and he won't go through court.

Nothing will change will it. I'm not blind or oblivious. Christmas has just brought to the surface how uncomfortable I am about it all

OP posts:
CurryWorst · 24/12/2017 15:11

and yet you're still thinking its all her fault really?

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 15:11

If i didn't think I would be met with a slagging match I would definitely reach out to her myself. I've seen from how she is with him on the phone that she's likely to kick off so I've held back.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 24/12/2017 15:12

Tbh why would the ex offer more contact than she is comfortable with? She clearly doesn't trust his judgement and sees herself as the primary parent (probably with good reason since he is a gaming addict, I wonder how many nights he sat on his arse in front of a screen whilst she ran around after babies and toddlers). She knows he will agree to anything she says for an easy life, he doesn't demand more, doesn't threaten legal action, sounds like he never would take legal action. So if she thinks her set up is better for her kids welfare why wouldn't she try her luck and demand it? The onus is on him to say he wants things done differently, not on her to suggest it.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 15:13

No no no

He has alot to answer to with his short comings. I don't think he's innocent at all he's a tit where she is concerned and doesn't ever assert himself

OP posts:
Loveactuallyoctopus · 24/12/2017 15:13

curry sorry but that's practically unheard of on mn. Bloke is always in the wrong, regardless. Never enough money never flexible enough wrong for leaving in the first place. All step mum's must have been the other woman bla bla.

Maybe it's hard to accept but some women are bitter and twisted just as some blokes are crap parents.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 15:16

Oh OP. I knew this was all stuff you knew deep down. It’s always the case. This behaviour never comes out of the blue. What do you think you will do? I’ve changed my mind and think you should go to your aunts tomorrow, see your Mum and perhaps stay for as long as you can. Get some breathing space and talk to your family about it. Are they supportive?