To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

But they often do come with flashing lights, which get ignored.

Very true. And even if they aren’t noticed, they are often pointed out. On MN threads.

YANBU, I would feel awkward about it too.

My ex sometimes comes over Christmas Day to see the kids open their presents, he stayed over Christmas Eve the first Christmas after we split but after the kids had opened their gifts Christmas morning he would then go. He would then have them Boxing Day. There’s no way I would want him here any longer and wouldn’t want to play happy families infront of the dc’s.
It’s great that parents can get along for the kids but she sounds controlling, she won’t let him bring the kids to yours? You are carrying their future brother/sister, is she going to let them have a relationship with the baby?

If I was your DP I would be taking her to court to sort out contact, so he gets a choice where he can take the children when he has them and he gets access at Christmas.

Maybe she restricts contact so that he feels that he has to play happy families. [although tbf 6 hrs is a bit long for most separated parents]

Also, remember that all you have to go on is HIS version of events, HIS version of what ex has said, HIS saying you weren't the other woman. I bet he's playing you off against each other. Ask to set up a meeting with her and see what he says. If she's got that much problem with you, she should at least sit down with you to see if you're suitable to look after her kids. SHE is not the problem, HE IS!!

I wouldn’t go to the aunt’s either

No actually Ellis there isn't more to this, at least not in the sense of me withholding information.

It was both his and my choice to wait so long before I met the children. I was in no rush to meet them until I knew we were in it for the long haul. I met them briefly as dad's friend after we had been together a year. They've met other work mates of his both male and female friends so that wasn't a biggie or unsettling for them.

There's no recommended time scale for these things but the general consensus seems to be around 6 months as far as I can gather? There's nothing wrong with making absolutely sure that I'm a permanent fixture in his life before considering meeting his kids let alone telling them I'm his new partner.

That being said I accept it was left a bit too long.

At the start when things weren't so civil between them there were occasions where his ex was telling him she was moving the children out of the city. Other times when she would make contact difficult.

This worried him and i was his confidant about it all. That too contributed to us wanting to wait before dropping any bomb shells. Me aside, she hasn't always been reasonable about his contact. He should have gone down the legal route but didn't.

Once things mellowed between them he settled into a pattern of doing things on her terms because he was just grateful to be able to see the kids on a regular basis.

Do I think he deals with it properly? Absolutely not. Will I continue to play the part I've been accepting of up until now? Again no. Things have to change for everybody's sake especially the kids

How often is he saying the kids? What is their contact arrangement? (Suspect I already know the answer)

@Ellisandra You've surmised it neatly. They certainly do and I would have run for the hills at a million miles per minute had I encountered this man but for many women it isn't the case. But the horse has already done the proverbial. I don't think it's really hit home for the OP what a future with this man really holds for her and her baby.

It's text book; angry ex girlfriend, drifted apart, doesn't allow him access etc etc... And that's without the imminent baby.

It was both his and my choice to wait so long before I met the children.

But not before you were already “heavily” pregnant with his child? Bit of an odd order to do things in if you were concerned about the children.

God. This is why I would never be with a man who had kids already.
OP, I hope you have thought through having a baby with a man when you are not married...

sounds really tough for you hun.and I think your being really brave in doing what you are and giving up your day for his kids.your now part of his life with a nb on the way so you could have easily asked to be with him for some of it.
have you asked him about being home and then him joining you or do you tink hes going to be staying longer than he let on so it better your with ur aunt?
if this is the way it is go snuggle up wth her.does she get the situation and you feel comforted by her? if so just let yourself doss and be looked after by someone who loves you.
its not ideal but you've said this is the plan now.
but I would very much broach things in the new year.dont wait until next to discuss how I think things need to change at chrismtas time.especially to do with you being allowed contact with their children and especially since they will be having a borther or sister who needs them in their lives.because this will hurt your nb if they are cut ouf from his borther or sister because of the ex demands.
your dp needs to start sticking up for you and you three as a family.

It's text book; angry ex girlfriend, drifted apart, doesn't allow him access etc etc.

Yep. I remember once being out with friends and as a group we got chatting to another group of men some of us knew. One man very quickly got onto the subject of his son and his horrible ex and how he didn’t see him because she wouldn’t let him and he didn’t pay maintenance because he would rather make sure it was going on the child. Some of the women in my group were just lapping his shit up and going on about “you poor thing, that’s awful, some women can be so cruel, she doesn’t deserve your money” I sat open mouthed at them and all I could think was “you utter idiots” it’s the oldest story in the book.

I wonder what the children want? To be with their mother who looks after them and brings them up? (and father if he wants to turn up) or with their fathers new pregnant wife?

mmm...

Tricky. NOT

I am naturally at his ex restricting overnights.

But as I said upthread, I bet there is loads more to this.

You said this is the first Xmas you've lived together.

And you got pregnant this year - and only met his kids when you were pregnant.

How did those two things fit together? You two moving in together and his overnights? Sounds to me like he didn't do the overnights regularly before. Or expected his kids to suddenly start staying overnight with you - the surprise girlfriend that nobody knew about There must be so much backstory!

Prior to her staying she doesn't want him having the children around me - he would see them three times a week. Take them out for their dinner and outings to other places. He works nights so doesn't get much free time but he made it work even if it meant him getting them straight after school and him not getting enough sleep.

Since he's brought them to our place and they've met me properly, if he wants to see them he has to go to her house for a few hours to do so. If he wants to take them out for dinner or to the park these days there is a 'rule' she will call him to make sure he hasn't brought the kids to our place, or around me.

How much child maintenance does he pay towards them?

So he has them 3 evenings a week, no overnights? This was before you were living with him?

And how often is the contact now?

Any woman who uses her children as a weapon and makes contact awkward because she doesn't like ex's new relationship is a nutter in my eyes

A woman who believes that old trope is a fool. You;re not even sleeping with him, why would you believe his convenient version?

Same old shit, its always the mean old ex keeping him from his children, its her fault he has to piss off the new woman, its her fault he can't see his kids, its her fault he left etc etc. Why do you keep falling for this bullshit?

even if it meant him getting them straight after school and him not getting enough sleep.

Ahhh! Poor pet. Imagine not getting enough sleep as a parent.

YANBU to feel that way, YABU if you tried to stop it. Me and my ex wife spend Christmas together with the kids. She comes down to stay over the Christmas period with us. We live a long way away from each other so it's not like we can just pop round for a bit. Our priorities is the kids having a good time with both of us. Plus it seems a bit unfair that either of us misses out on Christmas with the kids. Sadly (and this sounds a bit harsh) but while the kids are young their enjoyment of Christmas with their parents trumps that of a partner.

I'm sorry OP but both of them are acting in a way that does scream that they weren't separated as you might have been told. So maybe he moved out and you didn't meet him until a few months later, but maybe they were 'separated' with an intent to reconcile, maybe still indeed sleeping together.

A man who is so concern about talking about his new girlfriend is usually someone who has reasons to keep her secret. There are indeed crazy exes who will absolutely not accept a new partner in their ex and children lives, even years after, but more commonly are women who assumed they were still an item with their partner.

The whole 'I'm doing as she wants because otherwise she'll stop me from seeing the kids' also strike as something being fishy as he could easily threaten her to take her to court and if he has nothing to hide, they would both know he would get his way.

You sound like a very lovely person so I hope I and some others who have the same feelings are totally wrong.

Just because she is the mother of his first children does not mean that she can dictate everything

No she cannot. She certainly cannot legally dictate who the children see when they are with him. However, there is a difference between what she can legally do and what she can do in practical terms. She could stop contact and refuse to comply with any contact order. If she does the OP's partner will probably have to go back to court for enforcement action a number of times before any effective action is taken. It can easily take a year or two during which time he could be completely shut out of his children's lives. In the worst case he may never be able to re-establish contact.

I am not saying that will happen. But, if he thinks that might be the way she reacts, I can understand his attitude. I'm not saying it is good. He is giving her some control over his life. But I can understand that if taking back control means losing contact with the children and having to undertake a long legal battle to re-establish contact with no certainty of success.

OP has been with him 2 years, and is 9 months pregnant. Yet only met his kids when she was already pregnant

Does the OP say that? I can't see that in her posts. She clearly didn't meet his children at the start of the relationship but I can't see anywhere the OP says he waited until she was pregnant. Have I missed something?

I feel for you both, it's a horrible situation. The custodial parent holds all the cards and this can very well be abused.

The whole 'I'm doing as she wants because otherwise she'll stop me from seeing the kids' also strike as something being fishy as he could easily threaten her to take her to court and if he has nothing to hide, they would both know he would get his way

Yes, he would get his way in court. But that does not mean she would comply with the court order. If she is determined there is a real possibility that he would never see his children again.

Even before I came on the scene he wasnt getting overnight access. Only ever in the days. He has always asked but been told no. I don't know why that is, but I know the latest reason, because he lives with me.

Since she has made a stand about him bringing them to our place he still sees them three times a week but it's at her place and only for a couple of hours a time.

He pays her between 450 a month. That is an amount they agreed on but if CSA demanded more he would pay it. He doesn't try to avoid paying for his kids