To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

Don't feel bad about your text.

I suspect he saw it and then went home to play the "I've not done anything wrong" victim card.

He would have stayed over. And he was def there until 10. Sorry but my Ex was a lying turd like this. Thankfully, no DC but i kept trying to fix him...

@Tumbleweed. I know I’m coming from an ex wife perspective but having been on mn a while I just want to ring a note of caution. People here are quick to say leave the bastard. Your dh may not have been entirely truthful yesterday, but you would have been feeling things more acutely with it being Christmas and being pregnant. Don’t throw everything away because of that talk to your dh, say things need to change ie standing up to ex wife re contact, him talking to dcs about you introducing you as an important person to them and ex wife. You don’t need to be demanding just reasonable and sincere.
I might be wrong but it’s worth a go before raging and sometimes people just don’t see things from your perspective and make decisions from a ‘what’s easier perspective’ rather than what is fair and right.
Good luck

He sounds a catch!
he has staying power doesn't he? Got bored of his marriage and now can't stay awake to txt you.

@Tumbleweeds24 thank you, I hope that you can sort things out in a similar way. Your DP needs to realise that in the long term having proper contact arrangements is better for everyone, even if there is short term fall out to get there.

Morning all

I'm due to go back home this afternoon, not looking forward to the inevitable awkwardness.

When we spoke on the phone last night I asked whether his phone had been on silent hence not hearing my calls. He said it was on vibrate. We had an agreement that he would have it on loud from last week until the baby was born in case I go into labour, so that shows in itself he wasn't thinking of us properly. If something had happened last night he wouldn't have even known about it. That annoys me.

I haven't met anybody close to his DC. I asked for clarification on the phone last night about whether she even knew I existed or whether he had played it down, he said "oh she definitely knows" I said well what does she say then and he said she sometimes asks "how's the girlfriend doing" which seems a bit odd. I know his brother and brothers wife knows about me and the baby as I've been with him when he's been chatting on the phone about us and hospital appointments, but that doesn't mean to say his brother necessarily talks to dps ex about it. He might have been asked not to for all I know.

He seemed like he was trying to overcompensate for yesterday's antics when we spoke. You know when somebody seems to be saying a bit too much? Trailing off topic and talking about a load of different things to avoid the topic itself? Yeah that.

I really don't trust him. He's either a barefaced liar or the unluckiest bloke in the world to be honest yet look so suspicious. I know which I'm betting on.

Will see what he says today when I get home. I doubt I'll be able to establish much, he doesn't do 'serious talks' if it involves highlighting behaviour of his that I don't like

YOu dont trust him. Theres really no point thinking this is for life. Start getting yourself ready to go it alone. Get everthing ready and in easy access ready for baby coming. I dont see him being much use.

So how's the suspected 'glandular fever'?

Sorry that this is happening to you OP.

No idea how his suspected glandular fever is. Haven't heard from him since about 11 last night. We spoke on the phone at about 10.30 then he text to say he's missing me at about 11, I replied then that was that.

Presumably he went on his xbox after he text, what with me not being home. If that's the case he'd have been on it the rest of the night and will probably be sleeping when I get home. It'll be down to me to wake him up later on or just wait for him to get up of his own accord.

Sigh

Sorry but he sounds awful.

One thing I don't see changing is how I'm kept in the dark about anything to do with his ex. Conversations they have about me and baby, how she feels and what she says about things. Any discussions they have about the situation.

He doesn't tell me anything which coupled with his reluctance to tell HER anything means I can't help but be suspicious and wonder.

He's one of those "I don't like people knowing my business" types. However surely as a heavily pregnant live in partner I deserve a bit more transparency than just 'people'

Are there any other children or is this your first?

He sounds a twat, but you know him better than we do. Do you think he has told his ex about you?

This baby is my first, he has two older children already.

I really don't know what to believe about what his ex knows. Initially I believed he had told her as he said she was refusing to allow the children around our place and hit the roof about them meeting me, but as time goes on with no sign of proper arrangements on the horizon I'm doubtful about alot of things

You do you deserve transparency, complete honesty. It's not just his business it affects you too.

Totally understandable and normal too to expect his phone is fully on and he's ready to respond quickly at this stage of your pregnancy too.

His children also deserve honesty as actually does his ex as mother to those children.

His lack of clarity is what's creating the issues, not the facts of the matter. As I've said I had similar with my ex and his 2nd wife also gets pissed off, we actually get on ok and she and dd get on very well but OMG the bullshit ex comes out with!

He may not like "serious talks" but they're a necessary part of adult life especially when the family set up is complicated. You sound while pardon me a little naive in some ways, more mature than him in many. At 35 he really should know better than to behave as he has been.

Was this baby planned? Seems a really odd time to decide to have a child together when his DCs didn't even know he has a girlfriend, and he was having issues with contact/his ex.

I can't decide what is going on. I feel for you, I really do.

Unless you know what's been said to the ex, you have no idea of the reality.

Have you met any of his family? Do they know about you?

So when his ex says, how’s the girlfriend, I wonder what he says. Presumably yesterday he would have said, she is due to give birth any time and I have my phone on just in case. Except he didn’t. Unbelievable really.

Was this baby planned? Seems a really odd time to decide to have a child together when his DCs didn't even know he has a girlfriend, and he was having issues with contact/his ex

Yes, all the adults involved don't seem to have put the existing children first.

Maybe he wanted to control the new relationship by adding a child to it, maybe the OP wanted a child to establish her priority etc.

The only ones who will get hurt are the children as they have to live with the actions of the adults in their lives.

Not sure if you say this earlier in the thread, are they married/divorced?

So you haven't met his brother but his brother takes his new baby to the exs on Christmas day. They ate playing happily families like you don't even exist.

So have you not met any of his family? Sounds like he is living two separate parallel lives.

Baby wasn't planned but neither of us wanted to abort. There were lengthy discussions after conception about how a new baby would fit into everything given how he already has children with somebody else. I was assured time and time again that he would take the reins in making sure everything was in order, ie ex and children were to be made aware and a relationship between all three children would be fostered when baby was born.

As time went on and nothing was being sorted I pressed the matter. Again reassured he was dealing with it. She finally finds out over half way through the pregnancy, took him far too long to do that, she 'apparently' hit the roof and said kids can't come round our place again.

Far from ideal circumstances to bring a baby into, a shit state of affairs, however from the minute I found out I knew I wanted the baby (him too so he says) and i still want the baby even if that means going it alone at a later date

And yes, it's weird that his brother is apparently close to the ex he has painted as evil and obstructive and they are all hanging out together on xmas day along with your partner. It sounds like they are all a bit oblivious to you really, and he is acting like you don't exist.

They werent married but were together a long time.

Have met his father.

Haven't met anybody else. He doesn't see much of his family barring special occasions.

His brother despite them not seeing each other much has known about me from day 1 and was the first person he told about the baby.

I do find it strange how everyone played happy families at xmas and i wasn't given so much as a second thought

Well, my xH’s family managed not to tell me about DD’s half-sister, so it is perfectly possible that his brother has not said anything.

I am really sorry for everyone involved in this situation, except him.

Yea something definitely not right here with you only having met his father, do you have proof he's told his brother? He's acting as if you're a mistress!