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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

998 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:00

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

OP posts:
Hellothereitsme · 26/12/2017 00:36

My ex H has always spent Christmas Day at mine with the kids. It only changed when his GF of 4 years had a baby. Now it is just the morning. Not my choice at all - he makes the decisions. We don’t have ‘let’s get back together sex “ either!!! I think it is nice for the kids to see their parents talking. They don’t go to his for Xmas day as they don’t want to and are old enough to make that decision.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:36

He's home (has been since 5pm) and I'm at my aunt's until the morning.

He was invited to come here after seeing the kids but never took the offer up.

I could have gone back home and spent the rest of the day with him had he not "fallen asleep" and had let me know he was home.

Until gone 10 I actually believed he was going to be spending the night there.

OP posts:
Greensky89 · 26/12/2017 00:39

Op it would be wise to start learning not to need/rely on him as you may be happier with out him (and meet somebody worthy in the future).

Shandybass · 26/12/2017 00:39

I feel for you Tumbleweed.
I am an ex wife and my ex refused to come round to see the kids open their presents today, our first Christmas apart, and chose to spend all day with his new woman. He did pick the dcs up at 5 to spend the night with him which was ok for me but hard on the kids.
New gf sees the dcs every contact and they really like her. It is so grating for me but I wouldn’t deny my dcs that contact. But it is about getting balance. I think new gf is totally ott in her effort with being entertaining and endearing to the dcs while exdh takes a backseat at contact, but i don’t feel I can interfere. I wish she were as kind and sensitive as you seem. I would, however, be wary of your dhs ability to treat you and your baby right as well.

Greensky89 · 26/12/2017 00:40

Are you sure he's even home op? It could be another lie. Can you video call him?

funkyzebra · 26/12/2017 00:43

Agree with @Greensky89. I don't believe that he is at home. He could be at ex's house.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:46

@shandybass it can't be easy for you at all so I take my hat off to you for being so accommodating. I hope my DPs ex will be even half as decent as you are (that's if she's not already, and I haven't been span a line from him) which I'm not confident of at the minute to be honest.

Re him being at home, I'm pretty sure he is. He was indoors somewhere when he called, sounded half asleep with only a t.v. in the back ground. He was on the phone quite a while and wouldn't be able to have the conversation we had if he was around his ex. I don't want to speak to him any more tonight ie video call as I'm still really upset with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:47

The only way he could be at his exes and had spent so long on the phone with me saying the things he was saying would be if his ex was complicit in being deceitful toward me or had gone out of her own house for a period of time for whatever reason leaving him on his own. Not impossible but doesn't seem likely.

OP posts:
Greensky89 · 26/12/2017 00:50

Or asleep or putting kids to bed or a million other reasons he could get to take your call Hmm

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:50

About to grab some sleep I'll read and reply to more comments tomorrow. Merry Xmas all I hope you've all had a far better day than I have x

OP posts:
Greensky89 · 26/12/2017 00:50

He saw you coming op

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:51

He was on the phone almost an hour btw x

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:51

He called twice. First call I hung up after a few mins second call he was on the line almost an hour

OP posts:
Greensky89 · 26/12/2017 00:52

Hope it works out for you opFlowers
I really do x

Greensky89 · 26/12/2017 00:53

With him or with out him that is. Good luck Flowers

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 26/12/2017 00:58

I just don’t understand spending the whole of xmas day in someone's house who you don’t get along with. Is her house his former home? I went to my mums today and the Dc opened their presents, we had dinner then vegged out on the sofa for a couple of hours after dinner. That’s at my parents who I get on with but after a few hours I was eager to get back home. I can’t for the life of me understand anyone wanting to be catered to by their ex and then veg out on her sofa without them being one of life’s piss takers who just makes themselves at home wherever they are and needs to be booted out after they’ve ignored several million hints to leave. However, she doesn’t seem the type to tolerate him being there if she wasn’t happy about it which suggest they’re getting on a lot better than he lets on. It really does sound like they were having a proper family day. Sad I don’t for a second believe he was Home at 5. I reckon he stayed the whole evening and put the kids to bed and probably stayed on for a drink or whatever with her. When he phoned you, that’s when he got home.

Shankarankalina · 26/12/2017 01:01

Op, you've found yourself in a horrid position, and I'm sorry you had a rotten Christmas Thanks

I am an ex wife, and I invite ExH here every Christmas. It's not to play happy families or to sabotage his new relationship. It's because it seems only fair to share the magic of a childhood Christmas with the most important people in their lives. We do the same for children's birthdays, and will hopefully continue do this for important 'family' occasions into the future.

Granted, there have been gritted-teeth moments, but I am actually sad that the visits have got shorter and he doesn't want to eat with us any more. I don't think I am bitter or nasty; I certainly don't want him back; but the children like to have both parents there for milestone days. They are crystal clear that certain days are so special that they should include both parents, but normal contact times are either mum OR dad.

I also want to comment on the protective feelings an ex wife might have regarding the children, and share my experience. When my ex left, he was making terrible decisions in all aspects of his life, and while we agreed contact time literally within a week of him going, he was behaving so erratically (not risky or dangerous, just ill-thought-out) that I was definitely at the controlling end of the spectrum. Trust or lack of permeates into many levels, and as you have described his departure, his flat-share, his failure to introduce you as his partner and mother of his new baby, as the ex wife I would have serious difficulty trusting him to have the children at the forefront of his mind.

You've been kept in the dark about his planned Christmas (you had to like it or lump it), ex wife is presented with an advanced pregnancy, the children are in the dark about 'daddy's friend' and a new sibling, and he's been very cowardly and unfair to you all.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 01:06

Your guess is entirely feasible Donny. It would be easy to pretend he's just woken up, that sounds better than admitting he's spent the entire day and evening there.

We've argued in the past over an occasion he's been at her place until gone 10, putting the kids to bed was his reasoning on that occasion which I said was innapropeiate to be round there so late at night.

That being said he would be very reluctant to admit staying there so late into the evening, It would be easier for him to lie. Definitely.

I do believe he was at home when he rang me, but I also suspect what you've said is the case and that he had only just got back.

He said his brother and brothers wife dropped by his exes with their new baby (brother and wife get along well with his ex and they are close) so that's even more reason for him to have hung around so long isn't it. Why would he just rush off?

He was keen to portray how bored he was round here after a couple of hours which is unlikely imo

Yeah he was round there until gone 9pm I guarantee it

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 01:08

Thank you for the insight shank I can totally see where you are coming from x

Will reply more in depth tomorrow as falling asleep after a loooong tiring day x

OP posts:
SockUnicorn · 26/12/2017 01:33

@tumbleweeds24 have you met the brother or any of his family? or anyone who has a direct link to her or their DC?

Hopeful103 · 26/12/2017 03:08

Tumble there's something so blatantly clear which proves hes lying. He last spoke to you at 10am that morning. No communication the entire day which would be the first flag. Secondly if he had got home at 5pm the very first thing he should have done was call you.
Major ref flag.

So looking at his actions rather than his words this man is completely taking you for a fool. Was he about to pass out from tiredness that he didn't think to check on his heavily pregnant girlfriend???

Nah this guy is taking you for a ride here.

Coyoacan · 26/12/2017 05:00

I've just read this, OP, and no advice but I just wanted to say that you sound absolutely lovely and your baby is very lucky, despite his dad.

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this at such a late stage in your pregnancy.

georgiejinglebells · 26/12/2017 08:03

Sorry, but I don't think he is telling you the truth.

I have been where you are where you believe every word because you want to. He could/should have called you. If his ex is concerned with you being around the children then he should have been man enough when kids where busy with gifts to say be right back, just going to check in on x. At the very least he should have said I am leaving now as don't feel well, he sounds like he puts you at the very bottom of his prioritys and I don't see the baby changing that.

EmilyChambers79 · 26/12/2017 08:11

It's his last night off work tomorrow then he's back in

With potential glandular fever? I doubt it.

He's definitely playing you. I can't help but think you should preparing to go it alone now and be prepared for him not to be wanting much contact with your baby when it is born.

He sounds a twat.

ClaryFray · 26/12/2017 08:54

When you speak to him today say where did you say you fell asleep? Only Mum poped back to grab something is forgotten at 6/7 pm and you weren't here?!?

Do it in front of him. Gadge his reaction, facial expressions and time to think a response. Text her yourself, tell him you will if he doesn't give you answers. Our facial expressions let us down when we're confronted with something we're not expecting.

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