To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

Do you see his Dad regularly or have you just met him a couple of times in the past? Just wondering if they know you exist but don't know that you are currently still together?

Yes I do know for sure his brother knows. He told him from the off and was seeking advice on how to approach his ex about it. He was concerned she would hit the roof, wanted his brothers advice.

Mid way through pregnancy I was given a certain diagnosis and was a bit worried (nothing serious) but DP's brothers wife had the same in a pregnancy so DP rang brother to ask questions about topic at hand, I then spoke to brothers wife on the telephone about it. They definitely know. However, if DP would have asked them not to say anything of course they probably would not have

Met his dad and his dad's partner multiple times. They've come to our place, we've gone to theirs. Dad has also known about pregnancy since very early on. DP and his father are closer than DP and his mother. DP Mother doesn't live in the city.

Dp's father doesn't see much if anything of dp's ex, barring special occasions such as the kids birthdays

DP isn't particularly close to anybody in his family he's always said that's just how they are. I've observed this to be true. His dad is the one he sees the most, and he and his brother are in phone contact regularly but that's about it

Close enough for his brother and wife to play happily families with your partner and his ex on Christmas day though.

From what I'm told, brother and wife were a support to DP's ex after DP left her. Checking in on her often to see how she's doing. Visiting the children.

So yes, they are close (brother and DP's ex)

I massively feel for you OP and was in an uncannily similar situation myself, minus a baby with him, and many miles between us and his ex/ DC.
The three of you have personalities that have allowed this shit situation to develop. He basically does anything for an easy life. He wants to avoid any stress for himself as he cant deal with stress, but unwittingly and constantly puts his would be stressed onto others; you being the main receiver of the stress this time; his ex / DCs when he left her. He feels guilt about leaving his ex, and doesn't really think ahead or plan ahead about anything. He also doesn't think of himself as the sort of person who needs to go to court re: access, as he thinks he is too easygoing for that.

His ex is genuinely controlling with regards to the DC. She's perfectly normal and nice in many ways, but yes she is controlling in this area and he bows down to this because of the above. And it's easy. And he feels guilt at leaving. And he's weak.

You are very kind and nice and fair and have the ability to see many sides of a situation, leading to you putting your own, very reasonable needs, last.
That's my take on it. Did you say he had two older DC as well? Did he bring them up?

I think he lied about what time he got home for an easy life, not realizing how lying (and all the other shitty things he does) is detrimental to your trust in him.

Personally I think the only chance you two have of staying together is if he can actually see how ridiculous and unfair his part in keeping you secret is, and that he really needs to go to court over access. You can't have him going to hers when the baby comes; DC need to come to you. It's clear that you will make them very welcome as its obvious you are a very kind- hearted person.
Hope the next few days are less stressful for you.

Very well summarised @charley50 I feel you've hit the nail on the head there in everything you've said.

It's a combination of personalities that's allowed it to get to the state it is in. I've been close to "putting my foot down" many times but never issue ultimatums, as I've been concerned about how me becoming formidable will impact his relationship with the kids.

I've only got his version of events to go by in regards to her being controlling, but I've put my feelings secondary under those circumstances on the off chance that its true, to allow him to continue seeing the kids under her conditions and so he doesn't miss out on any more time with them.

The only children he has are the two with her, and a baby with me due in January.

He's a mild mannered man but he can get grumpy and a bit childish if he thinks people are being condescending. He gets that impression from me when I try to have talks about his access. He either clams up or says "I just don't want the kids to suffer"

Maybe he could marry you, show the world his commitment!

Haha there is no chance of that happening I'm afraid, as much as I love him I would never marry him under these circumstances

Tumbleweeds; so he's refused to deal with it so far? That has to change because of your baby together. In your situation, if he won't take it to court, I would actually write to the ex. You are massively reasonable and actually can see the situation for what it is. Your DP has created a mystery because he can't deal with things honestly; you can clear that up.

It's so similar to my situation; I finally met the ex and realized how letting an emotionally illiterate man do things his, frankly ridiculous, way just overcomplicatedd everything and created massive stress all round, and was NOT good for his DC; it could mainly have been solved with clear and honest communication.

By the way; didn't you see texts/ hear convos about from his ex, saying DC couldn't come to his if you were there? That's my evidence for thinking she actually is controlling.

(Alternatively you could just dump his sorry arse, but it's worth giving it a go).

I think it would be hugely beneficial for me and his ex to talk too. I've been reluctant in case she wanted to give me an ear bashing, as I was lead to believe would be the case.

Before 'he told' he always said he was worried about her kicking off with me. I said that's fine I'm a big girl.

I haven't seen specific texts between them discussing his access or her banning the kids from our house, no. He relayed to me what she had supposedly said but that's it. The only texts I've ever been shown are ones where she's moaning at him about making sure he's on time etc. I've got zero chance of seeing anything else because his phone has a stupid pattern lock on it that only he knows. Mine on the other hand has no lock. Gives a bit of perspective I guess

I wouldn't want anything to do with you if I were the ex. I'd be facilitating contact with dad but wouldn't have any need to talk to you or to ensure that the half siblings met etc. That's down to him.

Why should she have to make everything right when she was left with two children when he got bored and now has to pick up the pieces when his children think he moved on so quickly and replaced them with a baby.

Hang on, I thought you'd seen the texts of her apparently kicking off and threatening to stop access? So the only texts you've actually seen are ones where she is trying to get him to turn up on time and be a parent? And you only have his word for the rest of it, the word of a man who kept you and your pregnancy secret, ships you off and ignores you on xmas day and keeps his phone locked at all times.

The texts I were shown were several sent from her in a row, calling him this that and the other saying he is lucky she hasn't stopped him seeing the kids all together and that if he wants to see them it's at her place and he had better not be late when he goes there. I don't remember her exact wording but it was an angry tirade of texts.

These texts, he received after a big blow up argument he had with her. He told me that the argument was about the fact he had brought the kids to our place and the fact he's not to do it again. She doesn't want them around me. Her sister was also texting him giving him verbal.

What would happen if tonight you didn't have any conversation just said
'go to court and get a formal custody agreement or get out'

Literally just that. Nothing else no falling over yourself to explain. No allowing him to ramble on just yes I will do it or I will pack my bags.

I imagine he would agree and then string the OP along with tales of conversations with solicitors and court hearings that never actually happened.

I did think of that but by that point I would book the solicitors, mediation and get the appropriate forms.
I assume all it would take is for the mediators to call her before WW3 would start. By that time there's no going back.

OP, if you keep allowing him to do jack shit then he's never going to improve.

That's food for thought Taylor. I (like stitch) expect he would tell me what I want to hear and then string it out as long as possible long after baby arrives.

Alternatively, he would give me his old rhetoric about not wanting the kids to be stopped from seeing him in the mean time.

He doesn't believe or accept that sometimes playing the long game is the best option.

He seems happy to compartmentalise his life into different sections for an easy life. So his ex and their kids are in one bit, they come as a package and don't cross over into the bit with you and the new baby. How does he envision his children all having a relationship with each other?

OP cannot book solicitors etc for him. He needs to take responsibility. Besides, it would be him that needs to turn up with passports and ID and be present in mediation.

Legally, OP does not have a right to do anything, except claim child maintenance when baby is born.

Are he and the ex even divorced?

Booking solicitors etc also makes the assumption that he wants things to change. He may actually be perfectly happy with how the arrangements are, minimal effort on his part, the comfort of his previous family set-up and telling everyone what he thinks they want to hear for an easy life.

He does compartmentalize everything yes.

I've asked how he intends to facilitate a relationship between the children once the baby arrives and he just says it'll be ok he will sort it. Ha.

Him and ex were never married, but were together for a long time.

I suspect one of the first excuses he will use not to get a solicitor is money, the other being the fact she will stop him seeing the kids as soon as it looks like he's putting his foot down.

So put the phone in his hands and book it. And if one word comes out of his mouth about not doing it tell him to get out.
He doesn't want to upset her. Get out.
He doesn't want to temporarily go without seeing the kids. Get out.
He'll do it next week. Get out.

No more excuses. This is make or break.
He could be in mediation in as little as a couple of weeks and then it's court. So if he does give you lip service of drags his feet. Get him gone.

It's time for him to choose. He's had it to comfy for to long.

Also bit random but do you and him have Facebook?