Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

998 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:00

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 25/12/2017 23:54

I'm 25. He's 10 years older than me, not that he acts it.

OP posts:
Greensky89 · 25/12/2017 23:56

Yes it shows. He is treating you like a door mat. You are his bit on the side I'm afraidFlowers cake and eat it and all that. He has no respect for you.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 25/12/2017 23:56

I would be telling him that you two are having a very serious conversation when you get back and that things will be changing.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:01

I'm going to Donny. I don't want my baby stuck in the middle of something so toxic. I would rather be by myself than have to worry about what he's doing, what he's saying, or what he's not saying and to whom

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 26/12/2017 00:03

I'm guessing he left he marriage. Wanted to have 'fun' and then his gf got pregnant with a baby he doesn't want but feels he has to do the right thing. Your better than a man who doesn't really want u on the baby

GreenTulips · 26/12/2017 00:05

More likely she was fed up off his lies ....they don't change

MotherofaSurvivor · 26/12/2017 00:05

Run for the hills OP! As a single parent, I can honestly say that having your ex round on Christmas Day for more than 10/20 mins is unnecessary & unacceptable!!!

NOBODY comes round on Christmas Day except those closest. Sat there, raising a glass with her. Eating the food she bought & prepared for him..... Hmm BULLSHIT!

They are rebuilding their relationship and he's keeping you in the sidelines in case it doesn't work.

If he respected you and your baby, he would go to Court. So he didn't have to ship you off elsewhere at Christmas. Fact.

RUN FOR THE F'ING HILLLLLLLS!

MotherofaSurvivor · 26/12/2017 00:06

Allthewaves You have no right to tell OP that her baby's Sad likely doesn't want their baby????? ShockHmm

MotherofaSurvivor · 26/12/2017 00:06

*Dad

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:09

He's attentive towards the baby. He lays talking to him for ages, gushes about him and sings daft lullabys to him. He's been the one to want extra scans, 4D so we can see babies face. I don't think it's a case of him not wanting bump.

It would probably suit his life better if i wasn't pregnant of course, still I don't think he begrudges the baby.. no matter how much of a shit he is in other ways.

OP posts:
littlepoppett · 26/12/2017 00:09

It is so refreshing to read that people think this is shit.

For years my DP spent Christmas with his ex wife and kids house, playing happy families whilst I was alone. All because the ex wife was bitter and couldn't move on, it was basically her way or no way.

It really tarnished my relationship with his kids.

Now DP and I have our own daughter and he doesn't pander to her. But it went on for about 5 years and it was dreadful.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:14

@littlepoppett was it the birth of your daughter that changed things or did you issue ultimatums? If you don't mind me asking.

With my DP, my concern is that the birth of our own child won't stop him pandering to what she wants

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 26/12/2017 00:15

A man who has phone on silent at ex’s when gf is 8mths preg is an arsehole

Yes he wants to see his kids. But all day? Leaving you alone He needs to grow a spine and say having them at your/his home

How far away is aunts? Why couldn’t he have picked you up after seeing gusboidsb/in evening

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:19

@blondeshavemorefun my aunt's is approx 4 miles from our place. Prior to Christmas, perhaps 4 or 5 days ago, I said to him he's welcome to come here after seeing the kids so he's not alone the rest of the day. He didn't accept or refuse the offer he just left it on the table.

There's no real reason he couldn't have taken the kids to our place as I'm not there, and no real reason he couldn't have come over here afterwards. I just don't think he wanted to come for whatever reason else he would have done

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:20

In case I haven't mentioned it before, his ex and kids live in the same part of London as us. It would have been ridiculously simple for him to have them at ours for a few hours

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 26/12/2017 00:22

Takes my kids 10 mins to walk a mile - if he really wanted to be there he would, there's plenty of taxi companies about as well

He could have but he really didn't want too, he's telling you he feels ill? So a change in sympathy?

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:25

Yea it really is as simple as he could have been here but didn't want to. A man who truly wants to spend a special occasion with his partner would gladly get a cab or even walk the 4 miles.

Least of all make a measly phone to let me know he was thinking of me, if he's genuinely unwell and not up to coming over here.

Meh I don't trust much he says anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:26

It's his last night off work tomorrow then he's back in. Im dreading going home and spending the day with him now after all this

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 26/12/2017 00:27

Oh just seen he doesn’t drive

Well 4m in a taxi even on Christmas Day would be maybe £20/30

Could you not have done that ?

Maybe he felt ill. But he should have called you to see how you are - eso as preg

Tho you saying going to aunts gave him leeway to stay all day

You need to have a serious chat with him

OutToGetYou · 26/12/2017 00:30

Really rude of him to be invited to your aunt's and neither accept nor decline. People need to know what is happening. I suppose it depended how well things went with his ex though.....

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:30

I could have gone back in a taxi and would have been happy to do that if he had shown any inclination of wanting to spend the remainder of the day together but as I didn't know how long he was going to be at his exes house no agreements were made between us about me coming home and he was out of contact until 10 so I didn't want to turn up at home and risk an empty house on the tail end of Christmas day

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:32

He's just text saying he's missing me. Sure looks like it doesn't it Hmm

OP posts:
FirstNov2017 · 26/12/2017 00:33

My partner goes to his ex's Christmas morning for a few hours to see the kids open their gifts. I feel sad every time. Now we have a baby ourselves, will be interesting to see what he does. I definitely would not be happy about him being there all day. It would make me feel a bit insignificant Sad

Definitely needs to put his foot down about having his kids at yours. Take her to court if he needs to.

Good luck. Never black and white in these situations.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 26/12/2017 00:33

I feel a total tit for kicking off and showing myself up however justified I was. I wish i didn't get so emotional then maybe I wouldn't feel so awkward about facing him and having the talk tomorrow. Ugh

OP posts:
FirstNov2017 · 26/12/2017 00:34

Are you both not home yet?! Confused

Swipe left for the next trending thread