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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

998 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:00

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 25/12/2017 17:36

Of course it should, I had no problem with him going there and spending time with them. He purposely lied and downplayed the fact he would be spending the entire day there. He hasn't checked in with me at all since before he left to go there this morning even though i was visibly upset when we spoke on the phone this morning but not about him going there. I'll probably look back on my last few posts tomorrow and cringe at myself but I'm all emotional now and probably typing on impulse

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Lndnmummy · 25/12/2017 18:04

Oh Tumble, I am sorry. I think you need to get much much tougher now. Before the baby comes. He is dancing to his ex’s tune - so he will have to dance to yours too. Lay down the ground rules. This is not on. Don’t txt him. Write down everything you want to say and say it to his face. Texting is not going to help you. Post here instead

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 25/12/2017 18:07

You're right. I regret even sending that now. The pettiness of it has lost me the moral high ground, not that its a case of point scoring.

I'm not going to answer when he calls (if he calls) or texts back. I'll talk to him when I see him at some point tomorrow

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Lndnmummy · 25/12/2017 18:10

Exactly! You are in the right here so don’t lose that by the delivery ie get involved with text fighting. Leave it. But write down what you want to say. His behaviour is despicable. How are you now?

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 25/12/2017 18:26

A little stressed still, but enjoying a hot bath and some chill out music to try and take my mind off the fact that the utter cockwomble hasn't one iota of decency in his body. Thank you for asking x

OP posts:
ChestyNutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 25/12/2017 18:49

tumble what a crap situation you’re in.
For you BrewCake

Merry Christmas to you

Annelind · 25/12/2017 18:58

As adults, we often find ourselves in a hell of our own creation by being a passenger in our own lives. Time for you start being the Captain of yours, Tumble

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 25/12/2017 19:20

Very well put annalind

OP you get to decide what direction your life takes. You get to decide who is allowed to be in it and to what extent. If you aren’t happy with the way something is going, you get to decide to change it. You can’t make anyone else behave differently but you do get to decide how you deal with others’ behaviour. You don’t need his permission to end the relationship, or to set your own boundaries within the relationship. You don’t have to accept how he treats you.

AnathemaPulsifer · 25/12/2017 19:24

Oh Tumble, that totally sucks. I can’t believe he didn’t even get up to say goodbye yesterday before you left. And being uncontactable while he’s there is totally unacceptable when you’re only one week off being considered full term. Well done for standing up for yourself.

Runningwithscissors12 · 25/12/2017 19:27

Your DP needs to grow a pair. Seriously- and quickly. It's all very well him being a great dad. But that's not enough

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 25/12/2017 19:32

I can't see us being able to get past all of this. The way he's acted in itself is shocking but to do this on Christmas day is unforgivable.

I feel it's coming to an end for me.

Still nothing from him. No call or text. Nothing

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 25/12/2017 19:41

How dare he ignore you all day! I hope your family are spoiling you a bit and you are managing to relax a bit x

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 25/12/2017 19:45

It happens every time he's with her stitch. It's not the first time I've got annoyed and sent him a grumpy text. There's always an excuse why he doesn't check/attend to his phone.

He let the truth out of the bag a while ago though, at least a more believable version than the usual speal I get. "She gets funny with me when I'm on my phone"

Anyone would think they're still in a relationship.

My family have been angels bless them. Very thankful to be here and have them looking after me x

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Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 25/12/2017 19:56

I'm really unsettled I don't think ill get any sleep until I hear from him. Utter bastard

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 25/12/2017 19:56

This sounds so hard for you, OP, I'm not at all surprised you're hacked off with him. He should not be abandoning you all day at Christmas when you're so close to giving birth. You've let him walk all over you, and you mustn't let him continue to treat you like that. Thanks

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 25/12/2017 19:58

Anyone would think they're still in a relationship.

Are you absolutely sure they’re not?

OutToGetYou · 25/12/2017 19:59

Ah. Years ago I had a situation a bit like this.
I was a year + into relationship with a guy who had a child (aged about 9 then) with his wife from whom he was separated but not divorced. She had moved out of the family home. He'd moved in with a new gf, then split up with her and gone back to the family home. Ex-w had moved in with a bf.
I started seeing him Oct. The following July I met the ds.
That coming Christmas the Ex-w had some kind of domestic crisis with her bf, on 23rd Dec. He and I had planned to spend Xmas together at his, so his son could come over Boxing Day. He told me she "might be coming round with his ds" on 23rd. I was working on 24th, heard nowt from him.
Phoned him that evening and asked what was happening and it turned out Ex-w and the ds had moved back in.
OK, she had 'nowhere' to go (she could have gone to her parents in fact) and he was putting his kid first..... But this left me on my own for Christmas day while they played happy families.
And he didn't even call me once all day.
Never apologised.

But I felt unreasonable saying anything as it was "for the child".

Sadly, I ignored all the warnings. We split up about a year ago, having been together seven years. It never got any better. I did ALL the compromising, in fact, often I was the only one thinking about the child.
I later found that he had called the ex gf that Christmas day. Spent it with Ex-w, called ex-gf, but never a thought for me, stuck on my own, with no food, nowhere to go, no presents.
Honestly, he will not get any better. This is the time he should be at his best and if he's like this now, it will only get worse.

Annelind · 25/12/2017 20:05

"She gets funny with me when I'm on my phone"

Anyone would think they're still in a relationship.

Yep.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 25/12/2017 20:07

That's horrible @OTGY I'm sorry you can relate to that extent. I bet you're glad to be rid of him. It's always "for the kids" isn't it. That's why I've been so passive, like a mug I've kept telling myself he's only putting them first not her. I can see now that's not the case. I don't even come close. Sure we might be living together about to have a baby but what does that count for in the grand scheme of things if he can act like this under them circumstances?

@Donny before now I would have said absolutely no way, he has no time to facilitate an affair with her, but now the rose tinted glasses are off I see anything is possible. Nothing to say they haven't been sleeping together for months if am honest, aside the fact the kids are always there and they wouldn't do anything in front of them surely.

I'm wondering whether he's even going to go home tonight. He knows he could get away with staying at hers if he wanted to, I would never find out. The spineless cunt would happily turn his phone and 'deal with' me tomorrow (aka the argument)

I'm close to tears. I feel like walking all the way home and telling him so just so he cant get away with staying there, but it's over 4 miles and I'm that big it's uncomfortable to get about. I'm stuck here for the night unable to sleep worrying what he's doing :-(

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HotelEuphoria · 25/12/2017 20:10

I work with someone whose DP did this when his kids were small. And every year after. My colleague has been with him 30 years, his kids are grown up and he still spends every single Christmas Day, all day, with his ex wife in their former marital home, his adult children and their partners.

She has spent every Christmas either with her sister or alone. She has been with him longer than he was married.

This could be you.

C0untDucku1a · 25/12/2017 20:11

He isnt going to be a good partner op.

GreenTulips · 25/12/2017 20:13

What does he feel guilty about OP?

I know you aren't the reason they split, but something is ..... there's a reason he's treating you like this, and it isn't the kids

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 25/12/2017 20:13

No way @hoteleuphoria I couldn't handle another year of this. I'm so stressed it's ridiculous. Your friend is a stronger person than I am

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Onedayhey · 25/12/2017 20:13

Are you entirely sure he has told her you are pregnant?

How he can leave you all day and evening I do not understand (unless of course she thinks they are in a relationship.)

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 25/12/2017 20:14

I've no idea @greentulips I think he is just a shitty person in general and the mask has began to slip at an astounding pace

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