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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

998 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:00

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 25/12/2017 20:15

@onedayhey before today I absolutely believed that they had the conversation about my pregnancy. Now i don't believe a word that has ever come out of his lying mouth

It's entirely possible she has absolutely no idea. All I have to go on is his word which counts for F.A now

OP posts:
QueenAmongstMen · 25/12/2017 20:15

He is an absolute selfish arse hole. You sound so lovely and kind OP and I can't believe a man of any calibre would pack off his 8 months pregnant girlfriend on Christmas and then not make any contact with her. It's just disgusting.

If I was you I would be feeling so, so shit about myself because how can a man who says he loves you treat you so badly?

I am genuinely shocked by all of this. He's a total bastard with no consideration of your feelings at all.

To be honest OP I would just end the relationship because his behaviour today has probably made you really open your eyes to the type of man he is. I don't know either of you but I'm 100% certain you deserve a god damn more than him!!!

Onedayhey · 25/12/2017 20:17

Yes thought so. I noticed your comment that he claimed he had told her and she was going to tell the kids. Could well be none of them know.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 25/12/2017 20:22

I'm going to leave the sob. He has absolutely destroyed Christmas for me and got me so stressed out it's not at all healthy for our baby.

I've been totally accommodating of his want to go and see the kids on Christmas, even this morning on the phone I was all "I hope you and the kids have a brilliant time. I'm really pleased they get to see you on Christmas day" and this is how my understanding is repaid.

I'm that much of a mug, had he bothered to text once or twice throughout the day I could have probably slept soundly, trusting him. No chance of that now.

I know I shouldn't have but I've sent another text. I said he's clearly still round there and i could be forgiven for assuming he's spending the night. I told him his behaviour is shocking. No reply to that one either.

I'm so beyond upset right now. He has fucked it. I've a good mind to message her aswell and find out her side of all of this. I know who she is.

OP posts:
MotherofaSurvivor · 25/12/2017 20:25

He can get a free consultation with a Solicitor and most will send a letter to the ex for free too. They can also refer you to Mediation. Then he can represent himself in Court for £251. Sorted?

Thing is, she could apply for a Non-Molestation Order with little or NO evidence of any abuse, for free via the NCDV, that would order him away from the kids for the entirety of the Order. I've seen it happen. So I would say that despite him not wanting to go to Court, I think it's beyond that point now..... He needs to do this before it potentially reaches that point!

PM me if you need to x

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 25/12/2017 20:25

You needed to communicate all this straight away, now you let the resentment build up and the conversation started by your text will be going downhill from the word go. You could have stopped the Chrisgmas panning out like this by talking to him. If he insisted, at least you’ve done your part.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 25/12/2017 20:26

From a outsiders perspective it looks like he told her about you and the baby and all contact at his house stopped. Obvious conclusion is that she flipped and stopped it happening. But the more you post the more likely it seems he never told her at all and he has engineered it so that either she has stopped them going to his for some other reason or he has represented their conversations to you differently than what actually happened and she hasn’t restricted contact like that. You said you had heard some conversation on the phone? What exactly did she say? Was it clear she knew about you?

keepfingerscrossed · 25/12/2017 20:28

Op, I'm really sorry you find yourself where you are, mistakes have been made along the way by everyone, but it doesn't excuse or justify the situation you're in now.

What I would say is that the ex wife and the children are sort of a non issue here. If you take away all the fluff, the long and short is, your boyfriend had left you, on Christmas Day, on your own, heavily pregnant, and not had the good decency to be honest about it, or to communicate with you at all. What he is showing is at the least, a complete lack of respect for you as a partner, as someone whose feelings matter to him. For me, that would be the deal breaker regardless of whether there is in fact anything going on between him and his ex.

Do not let him use his children as a reason to treat you appallingly. His has every right and responsibility to see his children on Christmas Day if he can, that doesn't remove his responsibility to you, in being a good partner. And why they would want to spend all that time together in the first place (assuming there is nothing going on) is baffling in the first place... I managed two hours with my ex on the one Christmas we tried it for the girls, and it was 1hour and 59 minutes longer than I'd have liked! (Although there were/are other issues there!)

bringbacksideburns · 25/12/2017 20:29

No don't message her. Turn your phone off. Have a nice bath and go to bed.

Have a clear head tomorrow. If you do want to carry on with him then you lay down the ground rules now.

First on the list - his children are properly introduced to the baby and he sorts out proper contact at his home not her's. He gets a solicitor. Unless he was abusive there is no reason why he can't have the children at his home or at least his dad's and if he can't sort this out then...

daisychain01 · 25/12/2017 20:38

He's had 2 years to get his act together regarding access to his DC!

My DH absolutely pushed to ensure his access to his DS was sorted through the court and proper schedule of care agreed. It took a total of 2 months. It was stressful but it did mean after the court order was issued, there was no uncertainty.

If nothing else this dreadful, unclear arrangement is very detrimental to his DC because they should know in advance what the situation is and they do not, it's in the lap of the Gods.

happypoobum · 25/12/2017 20:38

Tbh I can't get over the fact he turns his phone off all day when you could be going into labour Shock

What a total and utter bastard he is. Flowers

stitchglitched · 25/12/2017 20:44

I'm wondering too now if she even knows about the baby. He could have led her to believe that you aren't together anymore and she may even think they are 'trying again.' Going to hers for contact several times a week and turning his phone off, he could be doing and saying anything and you would never know. Not even contacting you on xmas day when you are heavily pregnant is unforgivable and shows where his priorities lie.

QueenAmongstMen · 25/12/2017 20:45

It reads as though you're his dirty little secret whilst his Ex and her feelings are the priority.

Various posters have said he may not have even told her about rhe bwvy? Could that be the case? If he hasn't told her about you being pregnant then that is beyond unforgivable because to not tell her is awful enough but to then lie to you about it is dishonesty on a whole other level.

If other people's theories are correct then perhaps that's why he keeps the children away from you, so they can't go running back to mummy and tell her about your big tummy.....

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 25/12/2017 20:45

To be honest I'm doubting any and all commitment he has to me and the baby. He must know that doing this is damaging the relationship and still he does it regardless.

I wouldn't be surprised if he spends the night there, reignites whatever flame he has with her (if it hasn't already been going on) and doesn't bother coming home.

I'm probably being irrational now but that's how his blatant disregard is making me feel

OP posts:
Onedayhey · 25/12/2017 20:55

That makes sense now that that could be why he doesn’t want the children around you ie none of them know you are pregnant.

IcedCocoa · 25/12/2017 20:57

Oh Tumble this is not going well. I started reading it yesterday and was going to say that I (as the ex-wife) did not find out my DD had a half-sibling till said half-sibling was already a toddler. Said half-sibling must have been conceived with OW when we were still separating.

I would not ever have had exH in my house so long on Christmas Day but I am fairly sure I did have him over for an hour or so when DD was still small, with NO IDEA that his pregnant girlfriend was sat herself a few miles away. I also had no idea when the baby was born or anything.

I certainly was not being controlling, he had not told me. It happens that exH is still together with OW, but exH never stopped at mine for more than an hour. He just didn’t have the guts to tell me about her then. Nor was he able to sort out his contact. So please don’t assume it is the wife’s fault, you have no idea what she does or does not know.

What you do know is that you are 8 months pregnant and your health and baby’s health matters most. You need to look after yourself and believe that you will get through this, whatever happens. Try and get some rest, and relax, your family are there for you Flowers

Greensky89 · 25/12/2017 20:58

Sorry op but it sounds like your the but in the side

Greensky89 · 25/12/2017 20:58

Bit* not but

IcedCocoa · 25/12/2017 21:02

Yes oneday in my case, he always saw DD at mine or at the play park. I had begun to suspect there was a girlfriend living with him, but not a baby there too, because he never took DD to his.

Tistheseason17 · 25/12/2017 21:11

I'm so sorry for you OP
Turning his phone to silent when with his "Ex" is a big flashing warning sign I'm afraid. Been there, done that.
And to do this when you're 38wks pg beggars belief.
I wish you and bump were his priority, but you're not. Sorry x

MotherofaSurvivor · 25/12/2017 21:12

Sorry OP I didn't read the full thread before posting about Legal Stuff but I guess it Arms your Weapons in terms of any subsequent arguments.

This Thread is so sad. I'm sorry. I've been there and now, I'm the mother of the child. Who hasn't seen her 'Daddy' in nearly 2 years because he has put his girlfriend first :( Also heartbreaking.

Please don't fall for anymore of his lies and try to move forward with your little one. As hard as that will be. I know how hard it is to be a single parent. You CAN do it though x

YellowMakesMeSmile · 25/12/2017 21:37

I think he is just a shitty person in general and the mask has began to slip at an astounding pace

The mask hasn't had much time to slip given the short length of the relationship. There have been plenty of red flags though.

As adults, you are both free to make rash decisions but this now impacts on three innocent children.

onlyjustaboutnearly · 25/12/2017 21:43

I very much suspect the 'ex won't allow contact outwith the home but I won't go to court' line is a cover up for them still sleeping together. Unless he had done something truly terrible, there's no reason for her not to allow sensible contact.....either way he's lying.

Tistheseason17 · 25/12/2017 21:50

OP are you ok?

GlitteryFluff · 25/12/2017 21:52

Oh I’m sorry OP. Flowers
He’s treated you awfully today.