To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

Sorry if I seemed short on my last message I'm hormonal tired and a little grumpy :(

Yes I'm going to do that, just focus on bump for now and leave the headache to him x

It's not your fault he didn't tell them.
You're right, it was his place to tell them.
Though it seems Mr Flake abdicated that to his ex.

You see her as controlling... sometimes a woman who steps in and takes over everything does so because her ex is a useless flake. The kind of man who doesn't tell his kids that he has a girlfriend and that she's pregnant, and thinks it's OK to risk parading her as a "friend"

But I think you both made a bad decision with the timing of deciding to start a family. Gaining a stepparent is a huge thing for a child. So is gaining a sibling. Why on earth didn't you both make sure that you had a secure relationship with your new stepchildren before throwing even more into the mix?

Kids are resilient - but they shouldn't have to be

It was never my place to tell THEIR children that I'm pregnant.

I think that’s debatable tbh. Surely it would have been better to introduce you as a girlfriend (before you decided to have children with him) and then together you two could have told them about the baby later. Failing that, he should have told them. Either way there is no way in hell I would have sat with his children with a massive bump knowing he hadn’t even told them you were his girlfriend and that was their sibling!! How could you even think that was ok?

It's not ok. None of this is ok. It's one big shitty mess and i can't feel any worse about it if I tried.

OP you have messed up.

@speakout alright, fucking hell, I think OP is well aware of the situation she is in.

OP, you sound lovely and you have shown lots of understanding into care re your DP's arrangements. However this is at your own expense, and it will be at the expense of your child if DP continues to behave like this. You and your child deserve better treatment than this. I feel very angry on your behalf.

It is a mess. You’ve both ballsed up and been unfair to these children. Yes it was/is ultimately his responsibility to parent them properly and treat them fairly but you do bear the repsonsility for your own part in being complicit in his poor treatment of them. I’m not sure why you would but it’s done. From now on I think you need to get firm with him. You can’t make him parent better but you can refuse to be complicit in his poor parenting. And also, for yourself, and your baby, I do think you have your work cut out for you if you expect him to step up. You’ve seen how he operates, that’s the standard you are currently accepting. I don’t think you believe it is good enough. Is up to you to set your own boundaries and enforce them. Your baby will be depending on you for that.

The ex in this case does sound controlling, why would anyone want their ex in their house at Christmas unless it was to 'look good' to her friends? Prove she has control?
You are both playing her game and losing!

No judge would allow this to happen - they need to go to court to sort it out properly.

Next year will be a nightmare for you unless you make a stand now

Exactlu what yellow said. You had a good year but yet settled for that situation so why cry about it now.
How did you think it was all going to turn out.
All good and well pointing out the ex's
Issues but your dp is equally at fault for allowing that.

Wake up. If he really wanted to make a life with you he would have sorted the access situation out a long time ago.
Really what do you expect to happen next year??

Wow, people, are you up for much more kicking of a (heavily 😁) pregnant woman when she's down? No, things were not done in the best order or manner but she's acknowledged that. The past is past and piling on now is just going to make her feel worse and accomplish nothing.

OP, you sound pretty clear headed about the current state of things. Your best bet might be to go into nesting mode, focus on yourself and your new little one, and get through the early nb stage before you address this again. It sounds like a good chance nothing will happen unless you instigate it, so just let it keep ticking along until you have the strength and sleep reserves to deal with them all.

Good luck and enjoy the LO.

The ex in this case does sound controlling, why would anyone want their ex in their house at Christmas unless it was to 'look good' to her friends? Prove she has control?

Why do so many posters know with such certainty that it the ex that's masterminded the Christmas visit. Isn't there, perhaps, a chance that the OPs boyfriend pushed to be able to come over and spend time with his kids. For all anyone knows here it might be that the ex can't stand the thought of him coming over but is doing it for her kids.

If she couldn't bare the thought of him being round there I highly doubt she would insist that any and all contact is done under her roof to be honest.

For all of those who say that exes shouldn't spend time together as it is confusing, were you in that situation as a child? I think it is great for DC if they can spend time together and the families I know who spend time together the DC seem to be very aware that it is only time spent together, not a confusing act of parents possibly getting back together. In this situation I would have thought that meeting your dad's pregnant 'friend' who is then shortly going to be your sibling is much more confusing?

OP the whole situation is a complete mess, I would urge you to get your ducks in a row. Your dp has the best of all worlds and I fear that you are effectively going to be a SP whilst he goes between two households doing all of the nice bits of parenting.

It’s probably elements of both. She is controlling and he prefers to see them at hers than have them at home.

If she couldn't bare the thought of him being round there I highly doubt she would insist that any and all contact is done under her roof to be honest.

I insisted my wanker ex was under my roof, my rules, I controlled everything, or no contact. Can assure you my skin crawled at the thought of him being anywhere near me.

Not saying your DP is like this, but that mothers who control, don’t necessarily have a thing for their ex’s or enjoy their company.

I'm just so annoyed with it all now. I'm prepared to accept I've not acted in the best way up until now, allowing it to continue for so long and meeting the children while pregnant knowing they were yet to be told.

Like a mug I've let him take the reins and deal with it himself. Terribly. The truth is I've been stressed about it all on many occasions, constantly even.

My hands are well and truly in the air in regards to not doing the right thing. Maybe I should have bitten the bullet and contacted her myself soon after falling pregnant, I don't know.

I put too much faith in him to sort things out with limited pressure from me about time scales.

All I know is I've got the royal hump today and yeah that probably serves me right.

I've not heard from him since this morning when he called me before leaving for her place at about 10am. He always phones me when he leaves there, it's become his pattern, it's almost 5 now and I'm yet to get a call or a text. That being the case it's clear he's been round there all day, enjoying the festivities probably not giving me a seconds thought.

Christmas is a tough time for me as it is due to a loss in the family, a very close relative, at this exact time of year and he knows that. Although that's not his problem i don't think he's been particularly sympathetic about the fact. That's my cross to bare I guess.

I guess the bottom line is I'm sat here feeling stressed and anxious at 8 months pregnant and he's spent the entire day at his exes place not giving me a seconds thought. He could have put his foot down and taken the kids to ours, given how I'm not there.. nope. He's happy to sit there all day playing happy families whilst I'm packed off to my aunt's to accommodate the fact he's spending Christmas with the family he already has.

Clearly would have been pointless inviting him here at any point In the day, not that I already haven't. It's apparent where his loyalties lay, and that's by no means a dig to his lovely children (who by the way I hope have had a really nice day having him around)

That's the only silver lining. The fact they will have been happy.

Probably being pre emotive but I feel like texting him and telling him to bloody well stay there, not that he would even get the text until he leaves (yeah that's right, his phone goes on silent the minute he arrives there and he is uncontactable despite the fact i could go into labour at any given time)

Merry Christmas me. He can fuck right off.

He has been very cruel. Not just today and not just to you. He could had done so much to handle the whole situation so that nobody was left out on xmas day. He is an adult who has created 3 children but he is behaving like a child, sticking his head in the sand and refusing to handle his problems. He prefers to be catered to at his exes house than create a proper family Christmas with his partner and unborn child. He is a lazy wimp. I am so sorry for you OP and angry on your behalf. I don’t know how you should go forward. I know what I would do but it isn’t my relationship. Just don’t let yourself be taken for a fool any longer.

Thank you Donny, yep he has acted like a total arse.

I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow but right now I wouldn't feel unjustified giving him his marching orders. Regardless of whether his ex is as controlling as he portrays to me, he's still capable of making his own choices and he's chosen to fuck me off for the entire xmas day. Whether that's to keep her sweet or because he wants to I will probably never know.

I won't be answering when he calls. It's surpassed sadness now and I'm absolutely furious.

Can you stay with your family for a while longer?

I can if needs be, though I would much rather be at home. If anyone's leaving it's gonna be him

I think it might help you to have a bit of headspace away from him to think about what you want to happen without pressure from him.

(yeah that's right, his phone goes on silent the minute he arrives there and he is uncontactable despite the fact i could go into labour at any given time)

Says everything about your position really, doesn't it?

I've just text him this

"Hope you've had a lovely day with your ex whilst I've been packed off to my aunt's to accommodate you spending Christmas there. That worked out well for u didnt it. Bravo well played. Every dad should see his kids at Christmas but spending an entire day with an ex at her place whilst your 8 months pregnant girlfriend spends the day getting ignored is disgusting. Oh well at least you've thought about ONE of ya families this year. Tell merry Christmas from me!"

Top class tumble.
His top priority should be to his kids.