To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

Bait weird to suddenly have mum and dad playing happy families all Christmas Day though, isn't it? Like things are back how they were

That's why I think it's a really bad idea for ex's to spend the whole day together.
It gives children a false belief and hope that mum and dad mightget back together.
It's probably taken them months, even years to get to a Pont where they're happy to live a life without dad being around all the time.
So to swan up and spend the whole of Xmas day and possibly night with them is plain cruel and gives mixed messages.
A whole day is cruel..

Last line should read
A couple of hours should be sufficient.

Donnyandvlad. Is it all men you hate or just some.

Original why would I hate all men? All men aren’t shitty partners and parents. Just like all women aren’t shitty partners and parents. Some are. Those ones I’m happy to call out.

Quick! Get this man a vasectomy!

I like your example of 1 (one) man (who is also your friend) as proof that I hate all men. have you spent any time on the relationships board here? Worth a visit.

Fwiw me and him spoke in depth about the computer games thing and he's no longer playing every day.

Oh Christ! Together less than two years, has an Ex he’s reluctant to enforce boundaries with, you’re pregnant and he was playing computer games daily. You really hit the jackpot with this one. When exactly are expecting his spine to grow? There’s going to be a time in the near future when being sad over the current situation will seem like a cake walk, compared to the misery of seeing him prioritising his Ex over the needs of your child.

To the poster who mentioned his living arrangements before he and i got a place.

His father's place wasn't too far at all. My DP's father's house is a 15-20 minute bus journey / drive from DP's exes house and even walkable. Lovely home, plenty of space, would have been ideal for the children to have overnight access with their dad and see their grandfather aswell. Absolutely no reason for her to say no and it was clear that the only reason was spite. The distance is no not far that its laughable that would even be cited as an excuse.

And actually London rent is extortionate yes, it's not uncommon or unacceptable for a single bloke to take on a flat share at the end of a relationship rather than diving straight into a new tenancy for just himself.

If she wants to refuse overnight access then that is her prerogative but me being the reason is only the latest excuse. I do believe it is purely about control.

When they first split she insisted he had contact at her place then. It was only after tension between them had mellowed that he was 'allowed' to take them out anywhere other than to the play park which is a 2 minute walk from her place. Control. After quite some time of limitless visits barring overnights, she was told about me, surprise surprise the restrictions are back on and in force.

FWIW we don't live far from her and I've offered on many occasions to leave the place on weekends so he can have overnights. Even offered her to come and see the place, do what checks she feels nessicary so he can have overnights and I'll stay away, answer is still always no because she can't 'prove' I won't come back home at some point.

It's all a bit offensive if I'm honest. I'm being tarred up like some criminal, which I most certainly am not.

Yes he was playing computer games daily which he no longer is. Don't see how that's relevant? There was a problem, we spoke and it has been resolved. He has agreed not to play every day anymore. Pointless to be throwing that at him if you ask me. The gaming doesn't come before his children and yes I'm pregnant but it's not as though he has been ignoring a crying baby to play games. He does alot for us in many ways.

I feel really sorry for you.
You have obviously tried really hard to find a solution.
Harder than him, though.

She does sound awful.

But I can't get past the fact that he thought it was a good idea to start a family with you, when he hadn't yet sorted out proper contact with his 3 existing children.

And then decided that the way to tell them he was with you, was to present them to you, visibly pregnant with their sibling.

What a car crash.

She didn't find out about the pregnancy from her kids, I was introduced as dad's friend and he spoke to her himself about the baby x

I feel really sorry for you.
You have obviously tried really hard to find a solution.
Harder than him, though.

She does sound awful.

But I can't get past the fact that he thought it was a good idea to start a family with you, when he hadn't yet sorted out proper contact with his 3 existing children.

And then decided that the way to tell them he was with you, was to present them to you, visibly pregnant with their sibling.

What a car crash.

But didn't you say upthread, that the first time you met them in context of being told that he was in a relationship with you - you were visibly pregnant?

Look, I get why you're going to defend your boyfriend! But I think he was a bloody idiot to start a family with you when he hadn't resolved the situation with his ex and have proper contact with his existing children

It's not like you eventually had to press on after trying to sort it out. He decided to start a new family not much over a year after meeting you, when he hadn't done anything official to sort of his access with them - when he knew she would be difficult about it.

It’s not her prerogative at all you are letting her have too much control

Go to court. Get proper agreed contact. Unless you’ve got a history of beating up little kids or peodophilia she’s being unreasonable to not want them round you. You’ve obviously been together a while and are serious since you’re that pregnant so it’s not like he’s introducing them to a string of women either. She’s going to have to learn to live with his new life.

On that note my XH new wife just sent me flowers because I have the flu :).

I was heavily pregnant when I spent any proper time with them yes, but even then it was only as dad's friend. They weren't spoken to about the pregnancy - he spoke to his ex about that.

I definitely don't have any criminal records against me that would give anybody concerns about their kids being around me except the fact I'm a junkie who mugs old ladies and is awful to peoples kids joking of course.

I'm happy for her to check me out. No worries there. Totally understand her wanting to know more about a woman who's spending time with her kids. Except she doesn't want to know a thing about me, meet me or talk to me.. zilch.

He didn't want to go down the legal route but sadly it seems it'll have to come to that as she's no nearer being willing to compromise now than she was months ago.

@karigan1 that's really nice of her, she must have taken a shine to you. So good to hear that not everyone has these problems with exes

Right, so at what point did he bother to tell his kids that you were his girlfriend and that the baby you were expecting was their sibling?

You're only 36 weeks now, so you've only been "heavily pregnant" what - 2 months? And when you saw them that time ago, they didn't know you were expecting their dad's baby?

Please don't tell me they still don't know now?!!

You're right that she's using you as an excuse. She won't really think you're a danger to her kids.

But going back to your original reason for posting... I would be very unhappy at him being there for the day, because I think it's pretty obviously his XW wants him, and it's pretty obvious he's a shifty little fucker

I'm sorry you're caught up in this.

My perception of heavily pregnant was from 5 months on as I was huge, that's probably not the same as others POV though, granted.

Nope they didn't know that last time I saw them. He then told the ex who said she would break it to them gently. After his next contact I asked how they reacted, he says there was lots of questions but in general they appear to have taken it well. I haven't seen them since.

He says they know, but I've no way of knowing that for absolute certain. I would be lying if I said otherwise.

To be honest, there's every chance they haven't got a clue although he swears this isn't the case. I've had to take him at face value.

When I've asked him about the children having contact he said the ex will allow it and it's going to be discussed. Not had any updates about that either.

Yeah I'm not at all happy about it @ellisandra I'm having a miserable old time of it today smiling through gritted teeth

I was heavily pregnant when I spent any proper time with them yes, but even then it was only as dad's friend

I’m a bit confused about this. Earlier you said she found out about you 4-5 months ago which would mean you were no more than 4 months pregnant. Which certainly isn’t heavily pregnant. Heavily pregnant is what you are now. So what you are saying is that these children have really only just found out about you and their new sibling.

Oh fgs! I’ve just seen your latest post. He didn’t even tell them himself!! What is wrong with the pair of you??

And they’ve never even met you as his girlfriend. Those children will remember that you sat with them heavily pregnant with their sibling pretending it was nothing to do with them and that you were just dads friend.

Ah lovey, even worse dealing with this shit on Xmas Day

I didn't want to split hairs with you over what heavily pregnant means - especially as we all show differently!

But whether it was 4, 7 or 9 months, the point is that I'm shocked at his behaviour.

I have a 7yo, as does he. They're not stupid. There would be a risk of them saying "is Tumble actually your GF and does that mean... "

I'm glad they (seem to?) have taken it well, but that's from no good judgement of his.

Honestly, I think he's a flake and I think you have stress ahead if you're going to get so involved in being the one to try to sort this out.

Incidentally, gives me the fucking rage with my XH that his GF is always stepping in. And I've just dropped off a £50 present for her kid from mine! Nothing against her, but every time she does his shit for me, I am reminded what a total useless lazy waste of space he is!

You are 36 weeks, you are heavily pregnant

Soon your baby will be born and you need to enjoy that time. Your baby won't know if he doesn't meet his siblings for another year (or more!). Your stepchildren don't need to meet a newborn to bond. I would suggest that you leave all this contact shit storm to your boyfriend, and concentrate on enjoying your baby.

Save all your time and mental capacity for your baby.

It was never my place to tell THEIR children that I'm pregnant. That is totally down to them. You bite at me as though I have tried to deceive two young children which is a touch offensive. I was reassured they would be told and then reassured that they had been. I had no right to dictate when and how them kids be told, that is down to my partner and his ex. The bottom line is she was told before they were. She then told them, according to DP