To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

I have no way of knowing for sure how long he's going to be there tomorrow and that annoys me because I'm one for transparency and prioritise openness in a relationship and there isn't much of that with him where she is concerned. He's far more likely to downplay the time spent there to avoid me being upset or unhappy about it. That in my opinion isn't acceptable in a relationship but knowing him he would rather minimise and somewhat deceive than be honest and risk an argument about anything involving his kids

He's not awake yet. Still sleeping. I'm going to have to leave for my aunt's in a minute too so can't wait around for him to wake. I'll call him once he wakes and extend the invitation over the phone

OP I hope you are OK. I can understand all sides of the story here - I am a stepmother and also divorced from my DS's father and DS is currently with his father, girlfriend and half sister. It is all very difficult and it hurts - especially when you are pregnant!. However, his ex wife cannot squeeze contact just because of you and cannot ban the children from coming to your home. He needs to get a written up contract in place - he could start with a parenting plan and try to organise this through mediation which he will need to attend to try to resolve matters before court (hideous and to be avoided). FYI we do every other Christmas and Easter. I feel your pain but I can understand why he is playing ball and it isn't to play happy families it is because he wants the children to be the least disturbed and to see them of course! It isn't spineless (I understand why you have said that however). The children have a right to get to know you - the mother of their half sibling and to see their father happy in a relationship - both family homes however different the set -up can be amazing role models for children. Good luck, sleep well and have a merry christmas x

Thank you snow, merry Christmas to you too lovely x

Maybe they put on a front but simply don't want to be around dad when his GF is present. It was an awful thing he did to them, leaving keeping you a secret and barely any time passing before adding the huge dispruption of a half sibling to their lives.

You both rushed into this blindly before ensuring the existing children were stable and adjusted after the split. His ex is very likely in protective mode and who could blame her as the chances of this ending happily are slim.

I don't think I rushed into anything blindly, I didn't foresee all of this blowing up in the way that it has.

I understand to a degree her stance but there's also people who wouldn't be refusing to allow the kids around dad's partner, new baby etc. I don't see how that's conducive for them children given how they have a half sibling.

In all fairness it's nothing to do with her what he does with his kids during his time, but they've both accepted a role under the guise that it is.

She doesn't have to be happy about him having a new partner and baby but the kids shouldn't be restricted.

He also needs to man up pronto

Have a good Christmas Tumbleweed. Enjoy being with family who love you.

Well presumably once you’ve had the baby you’ll have Christmas with him and his kids will join you every other year. If she tries to refuse just go to court, unless the sdc really don’t want to be away from their mum at Christmas, at which point I guess you have an alternative day as ‘christmas’ with them.

You were barely together a year when pregnant and haven't even lived together for a year, that's rushing whichever way you look at it.

He hasn't sorted access properly, hid you from his children and then did the "ta da" there's a new baby on the way with someone you don't know bit.

Sounds perfect ...... not.

No such thing as perfect. We don't live in an ideal world.

OP
You've been more than reasonable. You really have.
The 2 of them need to sort their shit out and come to arrangements that are best for the children.

If this doesn't improve, I'm worried that you and your child will continue slotting in around when his ex decides he can see his other kids.
For your own sake, keep some of your own money on one side and give your baby your last name. As an unmarried couple you don't have the same protections as married couples so you need to protect yourself so you have a way out should the situation not improve.

With such a spineless person what’s the betting when op puts her foot down next year he won’t bother seeing his kids at all

I could never be a part of that I would do everything in my power to make sure he sees his children. However he adores them and and he would never not see them in the first place

Oh you meant at Christmas sorry I misunderstood.

I would do everything in my power to make sure he sees his children.

If he was any way close to a half decent parent you wouldn’t need to do a single thing. It’s his job. In your shoes, I would just sit back and watch what happens when he isn’t being encouraged to see them. That will tell you what kind of man and parent he is.

I understand his loyalty to his children and that is fantastic.
But what happens next year when he has to choose between his kids next Christmas?
His ex is totally unreasonable her children have a right to bond with new half bro/sis so her order will have to be removed when baby is here.

You're being so reasonable on here OP, and clear sighted about much of his behaviour. I really hope you can sort this out.

I am however quite that he never chose to have overnight access, and I suspect it's you that's pushing for that as you see it as the right thing for him to do.

My experience - my XH did fuck all with our child for 5 years. Then I moved out. He had her the one night a week that I suggested, and could have her any other time that he requested. In 2 years, he requested her... zero times. Then he got a GF with a child the exact same age. And started to request weekends. I always said yes. These weekends were only ever ones that GF was there though.

Cynically to create the good dad act? Probably not that conscious tbh.
Because she suggested it? Very likely.
Because he realised that it made it easy for him that she would do the childcare, and easy for them both to have a distraction for her daughter? Very very likely.

Now I always said yes.
I think it was right for my daughter.

But I can tell you now, I was so fucking angry that I was giving up time with her, not for her to spend it with him, but because his GF was pushing it.

I don't doubt that she was told that I called all the shots on access. I can well imagine her thinking I was a controlling bitter bitch because I made him ask.

He split up with her a year ago.
Guess what? He hasn't asked for a weekend again since.

Things really are not always as they seem.

If he really wanted to keep them happy he wouldn't have left in the first place.

Struggling to see what you see in him, tbh.

OP, I'm not saying you're being totally unreasonable. I can see it from your point of view. And there does need to be some sort of resolution here.

What I am saying is that I can see why she might not trust what's going on- because of the way he went about hiding you and your relationship, then springing it on them when you were already pregnant. I am also wondering if there is a possibility that the children are not quite as happy about things as you think they are, given my friend's experience. In that case, pushing contact with you (and the baby once it is born) may not be in their best interests right now. Something that needs to happen, but not something that needs to happen until they're more settled.

Of course, they may really be very settled and everything ok, so just their mum whose not happy. It's hard to say.

He was living in a flat share with other people before he and i moved in together, to bridge the gap between finding a permanent place of his own after he left the house he shared with her.

We live in London and rent is crazy. As he was a single bloke on his own it made sense for him to get a flat share for a while rather than rent a whole place for himself straight away, although it was only ever temporary.

He asked her if he could have the kids at his dad's overnight while he was living in the flat share and she said no because it was too far away.

It probably wouldn't have been the best place to have two young children over night what with the flat mates in the flat share and the fact his own room was small, but I don't see why he couldn't have had them at his dad's.

I am aware of several occasions he asked to have them at his dad's and was told no.

I do see your point Jacks

Were you the OW. In which case I think she is within her rights to be difficult.
For those who say OW or not makes no difference. I disagree. I wouldn't want my children around the woman who cheated with a married man and now wants to play happy families with them.
It doesn't matter what you want. It's not reasonable. Your children wouldn't be at risk because the woman had sex with your husband! This is about the child's relationship with their father, future step-mum and half-siblings. Being hurt doesn't give you the right to use your children to hurt their father.

OP, your partner needs to stand up to his ex. She has no right to be so controlling.

The children definitely are not at risk around me, it does seem like her reasoning is purely because she isn't happy with her kids being around dad's new partner

He does need to stand up to her yes. I'm gutted we haven't been able to spend any time together this xmas. He's been working all week and is going to be back in work boxing day. I'm at my aunt's now and can't get back home until boxing day myself

It was only ever temporary, this flat share, hmmmm?

See, that sounds so persuasive. London rents are crazy, aren't they?

Yet he never did get a place where he could be a full parent to his children. He chose not to. This supposedly temporary situation only ended when he moved in with you.

The other parent does have to suck up new partners. I'm a stepmother, my child has a stepmother. I know it's hard. But what would you think of him, if you split up with him and the only reason he eventually bothered to sort out child friendly accommodation, was when he moved in with the new GF? And that the overnights were going to be a woman that your children had never met?!!!

Perhaps his father's house was too far. Perhaps her reasoning wasn't actually 'bitter ex' but that she thought it would lead to him stalling on actually sorting out a proper home?

Look, I think they should be overnights with you both now, I really do. And I can't rule out that her behaviour is completely out of order.

But I would love to hear her side, and I suggest you keep an open mind when you speak to her. You started off by telling us that she was withholding overnight access, but that turns out to be she didn't want them in:

• a shared house
• in a house too far away (?)
• in a house with a woman they have never met

All of which sounds pretty reasonable.

Donnyandvlad. Is it all men you hate or just some.

There are many reasons a man won't go the court route. I have seen it happen with a friend. He couldn't afford solicitors. And when things did go to the courts ( as she was pushing for more and more money he didn't have) he was made out to be the bad one. Despite having to live in his van as every last spare penny went on his kids.

He was also terrified the courts would limit his access and he wouldn't see them again. It's not unheard of for the courts to take the side of the mother and destroy a mans relationship with his kids when there is no need.

His wife left him for another man. She was infinitely more well off as the other man owned several properties as had a huge income. Yet she continued to milk him dry.

She also told her kids what a terrible man their father was which long term ended up with one not seeing his father.

When another woman came on the scene, and she had a child with him, my friend was all inclusive and tried to make it so the other kids would be included in days out etc. The ex used to tell them to be difficult- for example when his new DP asked them what they wanted for sandwiches and cake prior to a day out they would say one thing and when they went out for the day would say they hated that food. When they were adults, they admitted their mum had told them too.

Let's face it. You have gone into this in full hate mode. I don't think you would have supported the OPs DH even if he had been through the courts or had fought tooth and nail with his ex for family access. Tbh you your posts come across as though you are just one argumentative arse.

OP. Good luck. I hope this works out in the long run. You are having each other's baby and he will be a dad their as well. He obviously wants you and his kids to get along. His ex is going to have to get used to it b