To hate the "don't settle" fantasy.

[dizzycatdance2]

Bit jaded ATM so may have a clouded view, but I'm sick to death of the "don't settle" message.

Now , don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating staying in a dv /ea/fa etc relationship.

More the thought that if your current dp/bf has some "flaw" then get rid, get a better one, you deserve more, "don't settle". All ,in essence,good advice

Well I'm a 50 year old single mum to 4 teenage dcs, ex walked out 5 years ago, my physical appearance is heavily affected by scarring /severe skin condition.

In terms of OLD I'm just not " it" and in real life I just never , and I mean never, get approached.

I don't have the choice to "not settle" in the first f**king place.

Sorry for the rant, but the "it will happen when you least expect it", "there's plenty more fish..." Etc gets my goat, and it's usually said by those IN relationships.

I'm expecting all the "well if you were more positive" messages but if you were to meet me you'd think me (so friends have told me) happy,funny and generous,

When you're young slim beautiful and in your 20s it's easier to meet your "one". Yet older women are encouraged to believe it remains exactly the same for us in terms of desirability and availability and opportunity, when of course it doesn't. We really have been mis-sold the dream

I split with ExH when I was 36. Within 3 years he was remarried with a new family. Not so for me - I liked life am pretty social, have friends, wasn't particularly looking to meet a man etc - but I didn't meet anyone even remotely decent in terms of being pretty content with life, attractive stable and healthy (that's my criteria, forget Prince Charming who makes my heart skip a beat being most important thing) until I was 50.

Along the way I met a good few horrid men who presented as "all that" but mostly had that air of a woman being lucky to have them. Interesting to note these men had no shortage of female interest.

Towards end of almost 14 year (mostly) single period, I began to miss sex and regular companionship. I'm 54 now.

We're not supposed to say that we miss/missed having a relationship, are we? Lest we be called the dreaded "needy" word. I made a joke with a friend recently, she'd like to meet someone. I said go shopping, get out and about, at very least do what you love and, you never know. She then told me seriously that her other friends said it was "desperate" going out looking for a man, wait it'll happen, let a man approach you, you don't need a man etc yet my friend hadn't said she was going out aiming to lassoo a man! ALL these friends who advised her are married or in LTR (some unhappily), yet focused on sticking their nose into her business.

It's fine to be very happily single. I don't believe many women are, however. Not when they spend time talking about (possibility of?) relationships. Why is it even a topic if happy with single life.

I do know of women who say it's hard to find a relationship but they don't socialise, hobby etc. They dress up and show up for work, and thats it. So the odds are that kind of person isn't going to meet anyone as life doesn't tend to just "happen". & yes we can all meet someone - doesn't mean they'll necessarily be our type or that we'll want to be with them, but not meeting anyone = you're sat at home.

But yes, the Disney fantasy does not equate with being say 50 and it's ridiculous to even imply that it does

Watery, how do I put this kindly? You’re not a good listener. You are insisting you know better than our lives experience. To me it comes acrosss as a tad arrogant.

Gee, it never occurred to me to ask my friends, I thought they’d read my mind (sarcastic). Of course I’ve bloody asked!!! 95% of the time they say they can’t think of anyone, the other 5% they say “oh, there’s so and so, but no, he’s got a drink problem/is depressed/hates women.”

Ask them for advice about what? I am not clear on what advice women who picked better than I did at 25 can offer me nearly 30 years later.

Sure I could take critiques, but what I get is “you’re gorgeous, thank god I’m not single at our age because it must be really hard to meet someone.”

Your stats sound odd. Most people start their 20’s single then pair off. By their 50’s there’s at least half still unavailable. So how can these rates of marriage be that high, even taking into account that people don’t usually commit their relationship to paper till their late 20’s.

I understand what you mean. I married Mr Almost Wonderful and he was lovely, I couldn't have chosen a nicer man. I'll probably remain a widow for the rest of my life as he would be impossible to replace, so I won't be 'settling' for anyone else.

My advice would be to look for the good things which life has to offer - life on your own has little compensations.

Watery : We all know that statistics can be used to show many things. You are right early 20s rates of marriage = 55s rates, both of which are 1/4 of the rate when most people get married eg late 20s /early 30s , you are comparing apples with pears

I'm going to be honest here,I'm looking from outside in , I'm a 40 year old single man. I wish I had even had the option of not settling, but no one has ever shown a interest in me at all, yes I have had dates but but tend to fizzle out. I have tried online dating it's just a shop window and soul destroying when no one replys to you. I had four dates last year everyone of them stood me up obviously the common denominator is me so i know there is something wrong but I don't even know what.

I'm a 5.8 average looking guy so probably not in anyone's settle range.

I am not saying anyone should settle hell no, get the best partner you can get but that model guy, ain't there and be more realistic.

I've recently been on a date with a beautiful intelligent woman of 49 years old, I've got a second date coming up but I'm nervous as hell as I don't want to screw it up.

Well a 2nd date isn't bad..! At least you're open to dating so who knows what may happen. OLD is the pits, you get stood up as there's so much in the shop window that many people get silly and don't actually make a choice. It doesn't reflect on who you are at all.

heresme good luck with the 2nd date

It's fine to be very happily single. I don't believe many women are, however. Not when they spend time talking about (possibility of?) relationships. Why is it even a topic if happy with single life.

Being happy with your life the way it is doesn't mean NEVER thinking about possibly changing it.

I like my job, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't change job if something amazing came along.

It also doesn't mean I don't find some aspects of my job annoying or boring or frustrating.

Similarly I am happy being single, but that doesn't mean I can't contemplate maybe being with someone at some point in future, if they persuaded me that life with them would be better than my single life. It does mean that I'd require a lot to convince me of that.

Trills I think it's pretty clear from my wording Im referring to singles who talk regularly instigate talk about men and relationships yet claim to be happily single. If we want to change things in our lives we tend to talk about them quite a bit. As opposed to not talk about them.

It's fine to be very happily single. I don't believe many women are, however. Not when they spend time talking about (possibility of?) relationships. Why is it even a topic if happy with single life

I find to a person it is other women who can't believe one can be happily single

Urgh, I used to HATE it when people IN relationships would tell me “it’ll happen when you least expect it - just look at me and Dave!..” bla bla bla....

They may just feel they are offering words of encouragement, so no malice is intended. But frankly, unless you’re Mystic Meg you have no idea what will happen for that person and it just sounds patronising when it’s coming from someone already in a relationship and loved up. So I totally get where you’re coming from there!

I think the “don’t settle” thing depends on what you’re discussing about the person you’re dating. If you talk about something they do that frustrates you or an annoying habit, then the don’t settle thing is a little extreme to me. Everyone has annoying habits and if you truly love and care for someone you can overlook these things if they’re not deal breakers for you. If that person wants different things to you in life and you have to compromise too much on your own needs, or if they make you genuinely unhappy, then that’s where the don’t settle thing would come into effect I think.

But it’s always easier for people outside the relationship to say don’t settle, when they’re not the ones in it and having to deal with the emotions that come with it.

Yes it's a way of blaming women without addressing the reality that scares them; that if they split up with their partner they'd also likely remain single for the rest of their lives.

I have tried to have a relationship so I guess I've actually tried to settle. One man was too stressed and another lacked empathy (although he was very honest). Another wouldn't commit but we got along well together for ages. I bailed eventually. Another who was suitable on paper told me he felt so little chemistry with me he could hardly.... Miss him the least.

Time after time i brought my sane, honest, good humoured, balanced, centred self to the 'table' and the men out there just aren't in as grounded a place.

Not sure there's anything to be gained from pushing water uphill again.

Prefer my hobbies! although they're all v female orientated.

JacquesHammer of course it's not just women who think that way. Do you think men don't talk as much as women?! There are enough of them out there to swerve who make clear that in their minds older single woman = must be lonely and gagging for it. You wouldn't even have to look far to know that..the POF horror stories, even misogynistic awful comments on FB etc. It's all over media, sadly.

I believe women aren't happily single as I know some who talk men/relationships a lot. The ones who are just getting on with it I feel don't go on as much. But it's an observation not a judgement.. there are people trying to do their best out here in whatever relationship capacity - or not- and that's good enough

Mate's sister decided not to settle for her ex because he was 'only' a physio.

She dumped him.

Physio left working as a physio and became a paramedic and quickly climbed the ranks and was soon head of the county ambulance service or whatever. Earning lots of money etc.

Met a lovely girl, had two kids.

Mates sister was annoyed for a long time and wished she had 'settled' for the physio.

I know that's not your point though op.

FWIW I know a lot of women who refuse to settle.

They are all single.

When I say that Prince Charming doesn't exist they look at me like

Prince Charming always looked like a chaser to me anyway. Unreliable and waaaay too smooth with the the ladies.

You're better off with a reliable type.

It goes hand in hand with the "you can achieve anything if you want it badly enough" advice. BOLLOCKS. We are not all going to be prime minister or an astronaut or a billionaire.

This thread has made for interesting reading. I hope I’m not guilty of saying much of the patronising twaddle being spouted by “helpful” friends to my own single mates. I wonder what you’d find useful though.

One of my best friends and absolute favourite people is mid-late 30s and has been single for ages. Every once in a while she says of her own accord that she wishes she could meet someone etc. I have tried getting her to try OLD etc - but IMO she has too high expectations of how dates should go and obsesses too much over relatively trivial things. I know that sounds patronising but I’ve seen her just cut someone out for weeks because she’s a bit busy at work and then be surprised he’s not keen anymore, or insist on going on a date with someone the day she’d had some very bad news, insist she wouldn’t tell him what was going on, and basically set him up to be an insensitive jerk because he thought he was going for a fun second date and she was miserable. Anyway, things like that. I want to tell her to just cut these guys a bit of slack, sometimes they’re nervous or just as awkward as she is etc. OR if you’re not keen on dating that’s perfectly fine too - her life is full of fun and meaningful relationships otherwise. But what can I tell her that’s actually useful? What I want to tell her is - life does not revolve around being in a relationship, BUT if that’s something you want then just get a move on because life isn’t fair and single women find it harder and harder to date at 40 and 45 and if you want this for yourself you need to make it a priority. Not just go on one date in 6 mos and then avoid it otherwise. But I wouldn’t want to give someone advice without them asking for it - and yet as someone I care about deeply I worry that she’s missing the boat.

Anyway, long long post but any suggestions on what you’d find meaningful would be so welcome. Or just tell me to shut up and mind my own beeswax since that’s mostly what I’ve been doing so far anyway.

I totally get it. I have been on my own for ten years now, nobody has ‘come along’ although one of my exes would probably get back with me at the drop of a hat. I have tried online dating but always go for the safer option (punching below my weight for want of a better expression). I have found that men in this situation are desperate to ‘settle’, got serious too quickly and scare me off! To be honest the time on my own has made me realise that I prefer it. I certainly wouldn’t trade it for a man that was less than perfect for me. Makes me think of a song 😃

no wonder your friends are all telling you you are to awesome to date .............................................ha,ha,ha > ha,ha,ha,ha ................................oh watery, bless you , you.just.don't.get.it,.............,............
.............................
.. And you have got me (and my friends) so,so wrong.

Watery - regarding the stats: as Dizzy has said, most people are not yet married in their early 20’s so the statistic is a bit meaningless.

Re me saying I don’t think you’re a good listener - you thought that was aggressive? Oh dear.

Re friends being full of good advice? Now you’ve explained it’s so they can point out all my off-putting behaviours that’s clearer. I’m not positive that just because someone has had the same partner for a quarte century or so that they know what men in general want, but I shall bear that in mind.

Re friends saying they are mystified due to my alleged gorgeousness. As you’ve never seen me it’s a bit odd you’re calling this bullshit. At the risk of sounding like Samantha Brick here, I’m not so bad. So while I see the flaws other women seem quite keen - to the point where I think I’d get more action if I switched teams. I’m not told I’m gorgeous during fishing expeditions it’s more ... oh fuck I’m not getting into this with you, but it is weird you assume it’s bullshit.

My opinion stands - you think you know better than our lived experience. To me that seems arrogant.

"No one ever means it when they say "you're just so awesome, it's a mystery" or "you're too beautiful and men are intimidated by you". They mean, you're a stuck up bitch or you have childhood intimacy issues or you need to put yourself out there more."

And with that comment, I think it has been established beyond a doubt who is the person on this thread being nasty, and it certainly ain't OP.

Why bother starting a thread if you want someone to coddle you? Why come on strong with "home truths" but then spit your dummy out when someone dares disagree?

You know what, you're right. You're completely right. I apologize for daring to question your clear omniscience, with terrible things like statistics and "different viewpoints".

lizzieoak

I could also point out that there's a huge difference between women repeatedly saying you're gorgeous and men repeatedly saying you're gorgeous. I could also point out that things like personality or charm also count but, you know what, fine. Knock yourself out. You're stunning and gorgeous and perfect.