To hate the "don't settle" fantasy.

[dizzycatdance2]

Bit jaded ATM so may have a clouded view, but I'm sick to death of the "don't settle" message.

Now , don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating staying in a dv /ea/fa etc relationship.

More the thought that if your current dp/bf has some "flaw" then get rid, get a better one, you deserve more, "don't settle". All ,in essence,good advice

Well I'm a 50 year old single mum to 4 teenage dcs, ex walked out 5 years ago, my physical appearance is heavily affected by scarring /severe skin condition.

In terms of OLD I'm just not " it" and in real life I just never , and I mean never, get approached.

I don't have the choice to "not settle" in the first f**king place.

Sorry for the rant, but the "it will happen when you least expect it", "there's plenty more fish..." Etc gets my goat, and it's usually said by those IN relationships.

I'm expecting all the "well if you were more positive" messages but if you were to meet me you'd think me (so friends have told me) happy,funny and generous,

[CharisMama]

When people talk about being 'too fussy' do they mean we single women should not account for what we can offer ourselves?!

I actually experimented with settling once. No chemistry. Nice man but zero spark. I wondered if it would grow. It didnt.

I wont repeat that experiment but at least i know the reason im still single is not because im too fussy.

[Columbine1]

Interesting thread.
I think it is unpredictable luck & anything you DO doesn't make any difference except help pass the time (like cramming before exams)
I started OLD at 50+ Hated it but kept coming back to it as seemingly no alternative. Often thought men my age wanted much younger women but found enough over time who didn't. I'm no oil painting either. TOO many one date wonders despite attempts at sifting. Gave up then DP who lived too far away for me to have looked contacted me. It is so random.

[Blackcatonthesofa]

It will happen when you least..

Oh never mind. I have a lovely cousin. She is really nice and respectful, good looking, normal posture, artistic, intelligent, chatty, spontaneous, well travelled woman. She isn't picky but is realistic (so wants a normal respectful guy to chat with) and she has been single for forever. I truly do not understand why.

Sorry OP, some people have bad luck or something.

[GingerbreadMa]

Dizzy some people dont want to believe/know that its not simply about "putting yourself out there" and "loving yourself then others will love you" and other glib phrases.

They just sound scared to admit to themselves that that could be in their future!

[dizzycatdance2]

Thanks prickly, I'm not bothered, watery is just soooooooo off the mark its just not "real"

[PricklyBall]

I wouldn't take it personally dizzy - trust me, from an outsider's perspective (i.e. not having been on the receiving end of the vitriol myself- though I've no doubt that's about to change) he/she comes across as genuinely unhinged. For some reason to do with him/her (nothing to do with you and your situation) this topic has just pressed his/her buttons (maybe can't find a partner, maybe desperately trying to justify putting up with a partner who's a gobshite, maybe mentally ill) and he/she has just gone off on one.

It really isn't you, dizzy

[dizzycatdance2]

Prickly : I rarely post on mn maybe watery knows me IRL and has taken the opportunity to ", have a go" , oh well , its made for an "interesting" thread

[PricklyBall]

Good grief. This really is a case of "I'd call you a cunt, but you lack the warmth and depth". I can only assume that Water is an internet troll in the true sense of the word, namely someone who deliberately posts nasty stuff in order to get a rise out of people. I've been around MN for a looooong time, and I honestly don't think I've seen someone quite so gratuitously put the boot in before.

[dizzycatdance2]

why bother starting a thread if all you want if for someone to coddle you ..................wwwhhhaatttt..................are you on the right thread ??????.................................... I am saying the exact opposite of coddling, I want "society" to stop saying its easy to get a date at 50, it.just.isn't. ,........................................... And it's not that I have some illusion of how "awesome" i am (far,far from it) ................................................................... and you still won't give even a rough indication of your age , so what you know about the reality of dating 50+ is (in all likely hood) based on an IDEA , where as myself (and others in this thread) are LIVING it.

[lizzieoak]

[WateryBintDistributingSwords]

Why bother starting a thread if you want someone to coddle you? Why come on strong with "home truths" but then spit your dummy out when someone dares disagree?

You know what, you're right. You're completely right. I apologize for daring to question your clear omniscience, with terrible things like statistics and "different viewpoints".

lizzieoak

I could also point out that there's a huge difference between women repeatedly saying you're gorgeous and men repeatedly saying you're gorgeous. I could also point out that things like personality or charm also count but, you know what, fine. Knock yourself out. You're stunning and gorgeous and perfect.

[PricklyBall]

"No one ever means it when they say "you're just so awesome, it's a mystery" or "you're too beautiful and men are intimidated by you". They mean, you're a stuck up bitch or you have childhood intimacy issues or you need to put yourself out there more."

And with that comment, I think it has been established beyond a doubt who is the person on this thread being nasty, and it certainly ain't OP.

[lizzieoak]

Watery - regarding the stats: as Dizzy has said, most people are not yet married in their early 20’s so the statistic is a bit meaningless.

Re me saying I don’t think you’re a good listener - you thought that was aggressive? Oh dear.

Re friends being full of good advice? Now you’ve explained it’s so they can point out all my off-putting behaviours that’s clearer. I’m not positive that just because someone has had the same partner for a quarte century or so that they know what men in general want, but I shall bear that in mind.

Re friends saying they are mystified due to my alleged gorgeousness. As you’ve never seen me it’s a bit odd you’re calling this bullshit. At the risk of sounding like Samantha Brick here, I’m not so bad. So while I see the flaws other women seem quite keen - to the point where I think I’d get more action if I switched teams. I’m not told I’m gorgeous during fishing expeditions it’s more ... oh fuck I’m not getting into this with you, but it is weird you assume it’s bullshit.

My opinion stands - you think you know better than our lived experience. To me that seems arrogant.

[dizzycatdance2]

no wonder your friends are all telling you you are to awesome to date .............................................ha,ha,ha > ha,ha,ha,ha ................................oh watery, bless you , you.just.don't.get.it,.............,............
.............................
.. And you have got me (and my friends) so,so wrong.

[KylieMinoguesHotPants]

I totally get it. I have been on my own for ten years now, nobody has ‘come along’ although one of my exes would probably get back with me at the drop of a hat. I have tried online dating but always go for the safer option (punching below my weight for want of a better expression). I have found that men in this situation are desperate to ‘settle’, got serious too quickly and scare me off! To be honest the time on my own has made me realise that I prefer it. I certainly wouldn’t trade it for a man that was less than perfect for me. Makes me think of a song 😃

[ZaphodBeeblerox]

This thread has made for interesting reading. I hope I’m not guilty of saying much of the patronising twaddle being spouted by “helpful” friends to my own single mates. I wonder what you’d find useful though.

One of my best friends and absolute favourite people is mid-late 30s and has been single for ages. Every once in a while she says of her own accord that she wishes she could meet someone etc. I have tried getting her to try OLD etc - but IMO she has too high expectations of how dates should go and obsesses too much over relatively trivial things. I know that sounds patronising but I’ve seen her just cut someone out for weeks because she’s a bit busy at work and then be surprised he’s not keen anymore, or insist on going on a date with someone the day she’d had some very bad news, insist she wouldn’t tell him what was going on, and basically set him up to be an insensitive jerk because he thought he was going for a fun second date and she was miserable. Anyway, things like that. I want to tell her to just cut these guys a bit of slack, sometimes they’re nervous or just as awkward as she is etc. OR if you’re not keen on dating that’s perfectly fine too - her life is full of fun and meaningful relationships otherwise. But what can I tell her that’s actually useful? What I want to tell her is - life does not revolve around being in a relationship, BUT if that’s something you want then just get a move on because life isn’t fair and single women find it harder and harder to date at 40 and 45 and if you want this for yourself you need to make it a priority. Not just go on one date in 6 mos and then avoid it otherwise. But I wouldn’t want to give someone advice without them asking for it - and yet as someone I care about deeply I worry that she’s missing the boat.

Anyway, long long post but any suggestions on what you’d find meaningful would be so welcome. Or just tell me to shut up and mind my own beeswax since that’s mostly what I’ve been doing so far anyway.

[Fintons]

It goes hand in hand with the "you can achieve anything if you want it badly enough" advice. BOLLOCKS. We are not all going to be prime minister or an astronaut or a billionaire.

[oldlaundbooth]

Prince Charming always looked like a chaser to me anyway. Unreliable and waaaay too smooth with the the ladies.

You're better off with a reliable type.

[oldlaundbooth]

FWIW I know a lot of women who refuse to settle.

They are all single.

When I say that Prince Charming doesn't exist they look at me like

[oldlaundbooth]

Mate's sister decided not to settle for her ex because he was 'only' a physio.

She dumped him.

Physio left working as a physio and became a paramedic and quickly climbed the ranks and was soon head of the county ambulance service or whatever. Earning lots of money etc.

Met a lovely girl, had two kids.

Mates sister was annoyed for a long time and wished she had 'settled' for the physio.

I know that's not your point though op.

[MistressDeeCee]

JacquesHammer of course it's not just women who think that way. Do you think men don't talk as much as women?! There are enough of them out there to swerve who make clear that in their minds older single woman = must be lonely and gagging for it. You wouldn't even have to look far to know that..the POF horror stories, even misogynistic awful comments on FB etc. It's all over media, sadly.

I believe women aren't happily single as I know some who talk men/relationships a lot. The ones who are just getting on with it I feel don't go on as much. But it's an observation not a judgement.. there are people trying to do their best out here in whatever relationship capacity - or not- and that's good enough

[CharisMama]

Yes it's a way of blaming women without addressing the reality that scares them; that if they split up with their partner they'd also likely remain single for the rest of their lives.

I have tried to have a relationship so I guess I've actually tried to settle. One man was too stressed and another lacked empathy (although he was very honest). Another wouldn't commit but we got along well together for ages. I bailed eventually. Another who was suitable on paper told me he felt so little chemistry with me he could hardly.... Miss him the least.

Time after time i brought my sane, honest, good humoured, balanced, centred self to the 'table' and the men out there just aren't in as grounded a place.

Not sure there's anything to be gained from pushing water uphill again.

Prefer my hobbies! although they're all v female orientated.

[CharisMama]

[browneyes77]

Urgh, I used to HATE it when people IN relationships would tell me “it’ll happen when you least expect it - just look at me and Dave!..” bla bla bla....

They may just feel they are offering words of encouragement, so no malice is intended. But frankly, unless you’re Mystic Meg you have no idea what will happen for that person and it just sounds patronising when it’s coming from someone already in a relationship and loved up. So I totally get where you’re coming from there!

I think the “don’t settle” thing depends on what you’re discussing about the person you’re dating. If you talk about something they do that frustrates you or an annoying habit, then the don’t settle thing is a little extreme to me. Everyone has annoying habits and if you truly love and care for someone you can overlook these things if they’re not deal breakers for you. If that person wants different things to you in life and you have to compromise too much on your own needs, or if they make you genuinely unhappy, then that’s where the don’t settle thing would come into effect I think.

But it’s always easier for people outside the relationship to say don’t settle, when they’re not the ones in it and having to deal with the emotions that come with it.