To hate the "don't settle" fantasy.

[dizzycatdance2]

Bit jaded ATM so may have a clouded view, but I'm sick to death of the "don't settle" message.

Now , don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating staying in a dv /ea/fa etc relationship.

More the thought that if your current dp/bf has some "flaw" then get rid, get a better one, you deserve more, "don't settle". All ,in essence,good advice

Well I'm a 50 year old single mum to 4 teenage dcs, ex walked out 5 years ago, my physical appearance is heavily affected by scarring /severe skin condition.

In terms of OLD I'm just not " it" and in real life I just never , and I mean never, get approached.

I don't have the choice to "not settle" in the first f**king place.

Sorry for the rant, but the "it will happen when you least expect it", "there's plenty more fish..." Etc gets my goat, and it's usually said by those IN relationships.

I'm expecting all the "well if you were more positive" messages but if you were to meet me you'd think me (so friends have told me) happy,funny and generous,

[lizzieoak]

Watery, why do you assume friends are always a resource? I have lots of friends and only one has ever proffered up a single male she thinks would suit me. And even she hasn’t actually introduced us yet! This is in over a decade of middle-aged and single.

When I first divorced I assumed I’d soon find another partner. Turns out it’s not that easy at this age. Not a lot of men are single and those that are are very often living the dream that they can attract women 20 years or more younger than themselves. There aren’t loads of kind, washed, employed single men champing at the bit for a woman in their age range.

[GingerbreadMa]

"Meh. I'm in the "don't settle" camp. By that I mean don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you well or that you don't want to be with."

But everyone thinks that. Even people who themselves stay in a bad relatiomship dont think its something others should do.

I have never ever seen or heard "dont settle" used in a conversation with someone who is in a bad relationship, either in real life or on here, would you posters saying thats what the phrase means REALLY say it to a friend who disclosded mistreatment from a partner? You wouldnt would you?

"Dont settle" is only ACTUALLY said in contexts where it can be interchanged with "dont be boring" or "dont date boring". I have never heard the phrase uttered in any other kind of real conversation, and certainly never in a conversation about abuse!

I fucking love boring though, instagramable lives look fucking exhsusing to me. The boring bits of being with someone as equally unexciting/cool as myself are the same things that I find so blissful about being in a relationship.

[LittleKiwi]

You’re not wrong that physical appearance has an impact on your dateability, particularly for women (and only idealistic silly billies/ the disingenuous claim otherwise) but it needn’t be an insurmountable obstacle considering that once you’ve known someone for a while you sort of forget what they look like, really.

I suspect the answer is to join interest groups where you get to know people properly - a few of my parents’ friends married for the first time later in life (late 40s/ 50s) and without exception they met their spouses through church, choir, political campaigning or walking groups etc. etc. I think OLD maybe increases the focus on appearance? Plus is a bit all or nothing. I’d find it intimidating tbh.

Meeting someone really is largely a matter of luck and some people are unlucky, you’re right. But you can do quite a bit to improve your odds and joining interest groups/ having hobbies is a positive lovely thing whether you meet a romantic partner through them or not.

[mumindoghouse]

I feel for you.
Am lucky enough to still be with DH, but if not am not sure I would want someone else. Having to adjust to the irritating foibles etc, make sure DC ok with new partner etc etc. Am just not sure I could do that now.
And you don’t know what fates have in store and whose life they’re gonna snuff out so go on being wonderful you; treasure your friends and dc. You will be fine whatever!

[goose1964]

No one is perfect, you just have to know what your priorities are. I've had the mad passionate can't keep your hands off each other relationships but they never lasted. Sky relationship with DH is more a comfortable on and slippers in front of a roaring fire type relationship and that has lasted for over 30 years and we've been married for nearly 30 sometimes settling is good

[May50]

OP- I am very nearly 50 too, single working mum of 3 children, 2 teenagers and one primary age. Been single 18 months , never speak to a potential date, meet anyone. The only possible for me would be OLD and I don’t think I can face that certainly not at the mo. I do sometimes miss a partner but not enough to want to bother making an effort to date. Maybe in the future when youngest is a teenager so I don’t have childcare issues.
I do struggle with whether I should have settled for exP more, but as years went by I lost respect/love , like a constant trickle of water torture and I cracked in the end. He was a ‘lovely’ guy, but no responsibility and contributed nothing financially (or housework wise). Very lazy. I will probably never meet anyone with a nicer/placid character, and I’m sure some people could put up with him, but as pleasant as he was I needed a partner , not a middle aged manchild. Don’t know - think I’m going to be single for ever.

[stevie69]

Would rather be happy on my own with the hope of something better in the future than be attached to most of my mates husbands

Exactly this . Although I'm not looking for a husband/life partner anyway, but an interesting, stimulating FWB.

[Laiste]

Out of interest (I know OP is not looking for dating advice) why do so many people who want to date go on OLD or similar and not to an actual dating agency?

To me OLD sounds as if it's 99% geared towards looks, no strings sex and a fabulous way to torture yourself rather than to seriously seek a long term relationship.

[Laiste]

I meant POF rather than OLD.

Mixing my acronyms :)

[Ragwort]

I agree with LittleKiwi - I know it sounds old fashioned but surely it is best to join interest groups and just see who you meet - whether it is same sex friends, opposite sex friends or someone that 'might' lead to a relationship.

I am 60 and absolutely not looking to date but in my circle of friends, through lots of different hobbies & interests, I meet quite a few men and if I wanted to I could suggest 'meeting for a coffee/drink' and seeing where it leads to ... they seem to like me 'as a person' - and I am overweight with grey hair so certainly no 'oil painting'. .

[thegrinchreaper]

'Not settling' for me has never had anything to do with looks. I've settled before for boring, mean, nasty, insecure men with no ambition. Their not-so-good-looks were irrelevant because I don't go for physical aspects anyway in a relationship.

[GloriousGomez]

I agree to an extent, but I like to call it “being realistic” rather than “settling”.

I have a couple of close friends, both mid-late 30s, both want to meet someone and settle down and the clock is ticking.

Now both of these friends are lovely, but nothing exceptional (ie average looking, could do with losing a stone or two, decent but not outstanding careers, etc etc) and yet they completely write off men who aren’t 6 foot plus male model types with fab personalities, great jobs and loads of cash. And then they wonder why they’re long-term single.......

[Laiste]

But are they really ''wondering why'' gomez? Maybe they've made a conscious decision to not be 'realistic' yet and are prepared to wait longer?

Is it you wondering why they've set their sights high?

[Laiste]

I may be straying too far off thread here because this is about lots of things, not just about partners, but my mother is a great one for eye rolling and telling everyone 'then she wonders why' this that and the other about me.

No mum, i'm not wondering why anything - i'm saving up/waiting/searching for the right one not just putting up with the shite one.

[Laiste]

Now i'm a poet

[Trills]

Clearly there is a middle ground between "I'll only date a six-foot milionnaire" and "I'll date anyone rather than be alone".

From reading the relationships boards here, it still seems that there are more women who need to be told "don't settle" than need to be told "don't have unrealistic expectations".

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I think maybe we have different meanings of 'settling'. Mine is possibly being with a man who is good, decent, kind but very unemotional and not particularly literate (ie, absolutely not the kind of man I would choose for myself). He's solvent and probably someone's idea of an absolute catch (if they can take the long silences and the obsession with TV!), but, in my late fifties, plain as a pikestaff and incredibly poor, I am not exactly a catch either. We rub along together well enough. I cannot afford to live alone much longer (although I'd like to), and I really don't think that Tom Hardy is going to come knocking at my door and begging me to run away with him.

Reallism. I think that's why we 'settle'. And because we don't all have the financial choices to live alone.

[HoHoHoHo]

Do you think people that consciously settle would be more likely to cheat if they met someone who ticked all the boxes?

[WateryBintDistributingSwords]

Watery : I'm guessing here, just a hunch , that you are not 50, most probably not even close ????

I find your responses really interesting. You're clearly very angry and you are going to deflect every single answer or question that you think is doing anything other than agreeing 100% with you.

Do I want to date or don't I ??? To be Frank, I don't really know, that's not what this thread is about. But I have grown very weary of the fantasy around older women and new relationships. I'm just honest about what is actually real.

Don't you think you should work out what you want, tho? Instead of lashing out at people giving suggestions? And this "thread" is about "settling" apparently, but you change the definition of what settling is every time someone disagrees with you.

And what is the truth? That women are more likely to marry in their early 50s than early 20s? www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4313062/Women-likely-marry-early-50s-early-20s.html

Like being honest about physical appearance having an effect. You can be as "beautiful on the inside" as you v like but in today's world severe disfigurement is going to have an effect, its not right but it's true, simple , basic human reactions.

Sure but you keep talking about "models" and it shows that you're being unrealistic the other way. Yes, 6'4 model billionaires aren't going to date anyone with facial scarring but plenty of non models might. I mean, Katie Piper has pretty severe burns and does fine.

And there's a decent no of people on youtube who seem to be doing fine.

It seems to me like you are just generally in a negative place and you don't want to hear anything other than that the sky is falling in. You're 50, not 80. Not sure what the big deal is.

[WateryBintDistributingSwords]

Watery, why do you assume friends are always a resource? I have lots of friends and only one has ever proffered up a single male she thinks would suit me. And even she hasn’t actually introduced us yet! This is in over a decade of middle-aged and single.

Have you asked them to be a resource? Have you asked for their advice? Are you the kind of person who could truly hear critique without it ending the friendship? If it's not YES/YES/YES, then why would they get involved?

When I first divorced I assumed I’d soon find another partner. Turns out it’s not that easy at this age. Not a lot of men are single and those that are are very often living the dream that they can attract women 20 years or more younger than themselves. There aren’t loads of kind, washed, employed single men champing at the bit for a woman in their age range.

Yeah, you've obviously told yourself this but it's not true. Remarriage and repartnering rates are sky high. As I showed, more women get married in their early 50s than early 20s. Someone is marrying them clearly.

I think that's the real question on this thread. Are people willing to do real introspective work into lack of dating success or are they going to continue to point the finger at everyone else but themselves? The problem with pointing the finger at society is that ten years pass by and you're still single.

[haveacupoftea]

I have a friend who is funny and gorgeous and amazing. And she has never found somebody she has both clicked with and who is a realistic long term proposition. She would love to settle down. It must be very frustrating.

[PricklyBall]

I agree with the posters who've said it largely depends on ambiguity over what you mean by "don't settle".

If you mean a friend where you'd like to scream at them "you're really contemplating a relationship with a man you find boring, don't find sexually attractive, don't respect, suspect might not be a particularly nice person, and don't even particularly like, just because you don't like being on your own - are you nuts?" then "don't settle" is clearly good advice.

If on the other hand you mean a friend whose version of "don't settle" is "I'm holding out for a Hollywood hunk with a six figure salary, a London pied-a-terre and an estate in the country" then clearly that's someone living in fantasy land.

But there is an age factor. I'm in my fifties now. Back when I was in my twenties and thirties, men were interested in me (not huge numbers - I was okay looking, not drop-dead gorgeous). I remember what that felt like. Now I'm in my fifties, I am invisible. I'm reasonably well preserved and presentable, but society's standards for female sexual desirability involve being pre-menopausal and non-wrinkly. Just a fact of life. Fortunately I am incredibly lucky enough to be financially secure - not rolling in it, but able to live reasonably comfortably. So I don't need someone for financial security. And I'm reasonably self-sufficient with a good set of friends, so I don't need someone to stop me feeling lonely. But I do miss sex - and I have to be realistic that at my age and in my circumstances (single mum with dependent DC), a sexual relationship is highly unlikely. Not impossible, just highly unlikely.

[dizzycatdance2]

Watery ; I'm still guessing you are nowhere near 50 ???
,...,.....................................................
I'm not lashing our at any one who disagrees with me , but I will object to the fantasy, and it is a fantasy, that if you just try hard enough wherever your age /looks etc then you will get what you want.............................the program the "undatables" would not seem to exist in your "universe".............................................I could be as positive / funny / interesting as I like and I'd still get less attention that if I were younger / prettier AND funny / positive / interesting , that's not " lashing out at those that disagree " its just reality.

[dizzycatdance2]

Plus , from this thread alone, nearly all (Im happy to be corrected) older women say it IS harder to date, I know its not impossible but it is harder

[dizzycatdance2]

I mean Katie piper has severe burns and seems to be doing fine .................................. Oh watery, you just don't get it.