To hate the "don't settle" fantasy.

[dizzycatdance2]

Bit jaded ATM so may have a clouded view, but I'm sick to death of the "don't settle" message.

Now , don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating staying in a dv /ea/fa etc relationship.

More the thought that if your current dp/bf has some "flaw" then get rid, get a better one, you deserve more, "don't settle". All ,in essence,good advice

Well I'm a 50 year old single mum to 4 teenage dcs, ex walked out 5 years ago, my physical appearance is heavily affected by scarring /severe skin condition.

In terms of OLD I'm just not " it" and in real life I just never , and I mean never, get approached.

I don't have the choice to "not settle" in the first f**king place.

Sorry for the rant, but the "it will happen when you least expect it", "there's plenty more fish..." Etc gets my goat, and it's usually said by those IN relationships.

I'm expecting all the "well if you were more positive" messages but if you were to meet me you'd think me (so friends have told me) happy,funny and generous,

[dizzycatdance2]

I have friends

[Foxysoxy01]

I get what your saying.

Being brutally honest it may not happen so why do people say it?! I suppose it's something kind to say when telling you that 'yeah you're right you might not find Mr Right' is a bit beating someone when their down type thing. I think I would rather people sugar coated it a bit for me but can see what you mean.

On the attractiveness front, some people do tend to aim for the 'beautiful people' which I suppose the media has played a part in. They tell you that slim, young, attractive and coy are the ideals and if you don't have that then you need to sort yourself out until you do. (Most perfume adverts highlight this well)

I think it's also a bit of everyone wanting the big, shiny, newest thing and also want their partner to reflect how popular/powerful/high achieving/etc they think they are and due to social pressure/media/our warped and twisted views on appearance, without being attractive you are none of those things.

Although in saying all that, not everyone is the same and the type of men I would happily date vary hugely and most probably are not one of the 'beautiful people' and I'm absolutely sure I'm not the only one that feels that way.

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

Lyingwitch I realise that you’re coming from a kind place of wanting to help but your post is, in a way, what the OP is talking about.

When people find out you are single they often assume that you want to find someone. So they put their “Emma” hats on and give you advice on finding a man or platitudes on how anyone, no matter what they look like, has someone out there who will love them. And all they have to do is try.

All this “everyone is beautiful, you just need confidence” is hogwash.

Beauty is just the arrangement of bones and the luck of genetics. To attach one’s self-worth to beauty is bonkers.

[StatelessPrincess]

I feel for you OP but I think don't settle is great advice. Whats the alternative? MN has been a real eye opener for me. I'm constantly amazed by the awful treatment and relationships women put up with, when they would probably be far happier single.

[dimots]

I think you do have to take a more pragmatic view as you get older if you want a relationship. Small character flaws can be overlooked. I'm sure I have plenty myself.
I have many friends who are single through choice, but I'm not sure that is for me. I miss having a man in my life. I feel there is a whole aspect of life I'm missing out on. I have no close male friends or relatives - I suppose if I had a brother or father things might be different. But I don't expect anyone to be perfect. Although I do expect respect from people.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

minitheminx

re your comment:-
"I don't agree with the attitude of "what do you get out of this relationship" as though a relationship is something you make withdrawals from"

No its not about that at all. Its basically what needs of yours are being met from that relationship.

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

I'm constantly amazed by the awful treatment and relationships women put up with, when they would probably be far happier single.

Amen to that. As Germaine Greer said: “No sex is better than bad sex”.

[brasty]

Glad you have friends. The reality may be that you don't meet anyone now. Or anyone worth having.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

That isn't what I said, Ifyousee.

I agreed with OP about OLD (I wouldn't have mentioned dating if OP hadn't), acknowledged her comment about her appearance (which must be relevant to her or she wouldn't have mentioned it) and my last but one paragraph is much the same as what everybody else is saying. The only comment I made about OP's appearance is that if it bothers her she should take whatever steps necessary so that she feels happy with it, not for anybody else.

I'm most certainly not 'Emma-ing'. I don't want to make OP feel worse though so I'll call for my coach.

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

Part of me thinks the aspirational “anyone can be beautiful” crap is just a media plugged message with the aim of selling beauty products.

[dizzycatdance2]

I know that my "ship has sailed" (most probably) , that's fine, it really is , its the expectation of others that "it'll happen" when a) the person might not want a relationship and b) in all honesty ,it may well not happen


Single and not it an abusive relationship us far,far better , but I just grow weary of the assumptions of others.

[brasty]

Some people are never going to be very attractive no matter what they do.

But the reality is for everyone as they get older, that many people are in couples, so the dating pool is smaller. I know some amazing single women in their fifties. Finding someone decent at this age is hard. You may get lucky, but I suspect you would be better off trying to have a happy single life.

[brasty]

dizzy x posted. Yes the assumptions of others would annoy me too, if I was you.

[expatinscotland]

'I'm constantly amazed by the awful treatment and relationships women put up with, when they would probably be far happier single.'

This.

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

I'm most certainly not 'Emma-ing'. I don't want to make OP feel worse though so I'll call for my coach.

Ah Lying, don’t go! I didn’t mean to make you feel bad either because you seem like a lovely person and I love your imagery of an Emma-stylee flounce with coach and horses - the most sophisticated way to leave an MN thread!

[brasty]

Kathy Burke self identifies as a member of the non pretty working class. I always see her as a bit of a role model. We can be honest about how we look and decide fuck it I am having fun anyway.

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

I think a lot of people end up confused by the 'don't settle' message. I have lots of friends in their mid-30s who want kids but are waiting for Prince Charming. They'll dump/reject lovely men because they aren't millionaires, are less than 6ft etc. and say that they 'don't want to settle'. But to me there's a difference between not settling and holding out for a fairy tale (which would probably turn out to be not-so-magical if it ever did show up anyway).

I don't think one should settle - and I've always made sure that I am happy on my own so that I have a good benchmark against which I can test any relationship. But I've never expected a fairy tale either.

[JacquesHammer]

OP - I get it. Thoughtless cliches are utterly banal and pointless.

I have a FWB. I'm category not interested in a relationship. The number of people (and they're not close friends) who say things like "it'll happen for you" and "don't give up hope".

Then you say "actually things are great thanks, really happy" and you get "oh you don't have to put on a brave face"

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

proffers invitation to tea and cakes to Ifyousee :)

[Beerwench]

Yes, I get what you're saying. I was single for a long time, through choice, bringing up my DD (didn't want her to go through what I did with step parent at a young age) then as she was older I started to really want a relationship. No one was remotely interested, oh I was a good friend, or good for a few dates between their other relationships but no one was interested seriously. And during that time all the old clichés got trotted out too, mainly by my coupled up friends. I did meet someone, who used the next 18 months to destroy my life, the red flags were there but I ignored them because the feeling of being wanted was overwhelming quite honestly. Then it blew up and I'm back to single, with no one interested again. Well no one decent tbh, I've recently turned down a 3rd attached man making inappropriate contact - and thinking I should be grateful for the attention!
I'm getting the 'you will find someone' or 'the right guy is out there' and 'just because your ex was awful doesn't mean all men are' (I know that BTW) or 'you'll find him when you stop looking' and my personal favourite 'if you made the effort it's easy!' but it's small comfort when no one is interested and it's very frustrating when no matter what you do there's no interest anyway!
I'd love a partner now, but I'm happy single too. I don't know what the answer is but yes I get annoyed by the 'don't settle' message - maybe that's why the likes of me and you are in this situation OP? Because others don't want to 'settle' for what they see as a flawed human being and keep searching on past for that perfection? When of course, there's no such thing.

[JacquesHammer]

*categorically not category

[DontbouncelikeIdid]

I actually think meeting a partner is largely down to luck. Yes you can do small things to improve the odds, but they don't make much difference. I know several women far more attractive than me, nice, confident people, who have been single for years. People like to think you can control when and if it happens, and maybe if you look like a supermodel you can. For the rest of us though, just luck.

[surferjet]

Well op, what you say to these people is ‘I’m fine on my own thank you, I don’t want another relationship at this stage in my life’
It amazes me how many people think 50 is the new 30 - it isn’t. I know most of us are living longer but 50 is VERY middle-aged.
Honestly op, men around your age are looking for 40 year olds, if not younger. Spare yourself the hassle & humiliation - be the strong one & walk away from it all.

Enjoy the wonderful peace is my advice.