To hate the "don't settle" fantasy.

[dizzycatdance2]

Bit jaded ATM so may have a clouded view, but I'm sick to death of the "don't settle" message.

Now , don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating staying in a dv /ea/fa etc relationship.

More the thought that if your current dp/bf has some "flaw" then get rid, get a better one, you deserve more, "don't settle". All ,in essence,good advice

Well I'm a 50 year old single mum to 4 teenage dcs, ex walked out 5 years ago, my physical appearance is heavily affected by scarring /severe skin condition.

In terms of OLD I'm just not " it" and in real life I just never , and I mean never, get approached.

I don't have the choice to "not settle" in the first f**king place.

Sorry for the rant, but the "it will happen when you least expect it", "there's plenty more fish..." Etc gets my goat, and it's usually said by those IN relationships.

I'm expecting all the "well if you were more positive" messages but if you were to meet me you'd think me (so friends have told me) happy,funny and generous,

[ringle]

Ooh I want to but it wasn't me who thought of it so I'll see if this poster wants to explain.

(Well, I'll wait 5minutes :))

"When people find out you are single they often assume that you want to find someone. So they put their “Emma” hats on and give you advice on finding a man or platitudes on how anyone, no matter what they look like, has someone out there who will love them. And all they have to do is try. "

[tumblrpigeon]

Who is Emma ??

[WateryBintDistributingSwords]

I disagree, OP. Put crudely: plenty of "unattractive" people date each other. If you are an amazing person with some baggage, why wouldn't someone else be in the same situation with the same needs?

And is 50 even that old? You'll live another 40 years probably. It's not like you want a 30 year old lothario. You have 4 kids so what's the rush? Do fun things you enjoy and keep a look out for someone great.

[MatildaTheCat]

Emma is a Jane Austen character who is a meddling matchmaker. She means well, however and it all turns out well in the end.

Does anyone else wish the new compulsory kissing on meeting could be replaced with a small curtesy?

[surferjet]

I’ve never heard of the expression but I think it’s something to do with Jane Austen?

[Rebeccaslicker]

I think sometimes people want to be cheering and positive and they get it wrong. See some of the well meant but hurtful things that people say to those struggling to conceive for a striking example.

By saying "don't settle" I suspect what some of them really mean is, "I'm sure you'll find someone soon".

Actually settling is v different to a few minor flaws, as some PPs have said.

The ex before DP was probably the love of my life. He had huge issues but there was tremendous chemistry; he was mercurially bright; we laughed nonstop; he had a great job; he was good looking and a gym buff - I was utterly infatuated. By contrast DP is more of a beer and Netflix kind of shape; he is good looking but needs to lose a bit of weight (and a massive beard ); he had a poorly paid job that he hated and few qualifications...

But he looks after me and he's an amazing dad. He's solid and reliable and I love him to bits. Do I feel the enormous sizzle and flapping butterflies that i got with my ex? In truth no. But what we have is actually real. If I were still with my ex I'd be very lonely and tending nonstop to his needs and issues and navel gazing woes whilst also trying to raise a child almost by myself. I am always happy with DP. I lived on a rollercoaster with my ex.

Sometimes settling actually means looking for the right things, is what I am trying ineptly to say!!

[WateryBintDistributingSwords]

Emma is a Jane Austen novel about an overbearing interfering matchmaker.

In reality, friends matchmaking you is how Meghan Markle (a 36 year old foreign divorcee "commoner" got engaged Prince Harry) so I'd be careful at how much you sneer at helpful friends.

[DistanceCall]

I don't interpret "don't settle" as meaning "reject everyone except for someone who has no flaws / is the embodiment of your fantasies".

I interpret it as meaning that you shouldn't marry/have a long-term relationship with someone you don't fancy/aren't in love with/don't feel strongly about. And that has little to do with conventional attractiveness, I find.

[MatildaTheCat]

OP, I hear you entirely. However, I wonder if the presence of four teenagers in your life makes you a complicated date? Many men, especially those with children may be daunted by your set up. That will change with time.

If you really do want to do OLD then do as a pp suggests and get a critical friend to help with your profile and use a decent site.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Does you age have a factor in this? The reason I say I got into these realms on relationship thread. Basicly if someone is the perfect partner but for some reason lacked a spark. One person advised me don't settle your only young (early 30s) and you have already made a nice family. So I took it as the OP telling because time if not a factor hold out for perfection. But that likewise reads if time is shorter due to age and/or wanting to start a family soon just find someone who is ok. Bit of a deal, no deal scenario.

[Bettercallsaul1]

Completely agree about bringing in Emma-ing as a new MN term. We already have Wendy-ing so it's good to have another new verb! Why should Shakespeare hold the monopoly of new words and expressions?

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Y'see, I live alone and love my own company BUT am prepared to 'settle' with my OH because I quite simply can't afford to live alone much longer. Living alone is a luxury that depends on earning enough to pay rent, CT, bills, run a car etc etc. I work a MNW job that means I cannot get ill or I will, quite literally, starve. So I'm preparing to compromise my principles and move with with him purely so that I can afford a little comfort in my later years. He's pretty cool and likes his own space too, so I think we can make it work.

I've had a 'great romance' which ended badly, so I'm not looking for high emotional drama again. Peace will do me nicely. And if that means settling with a guy who doesn't set my world alight, well, sobeit.

[derxa]

Good luck OP. I get the sense that you do want a relationship and hope you find a good man. Emphasis on 'good'. There is so much focus on looks now which is a disaster for people of all ages who are looking for love.

[RagingFemininist]

If settling with someone means compromising but still being happy then that’s ok in my books.
If settling with someone means compromising and be unhappy/seeing your self esteem going rick bottom etc... then really no you dint want to settle down. It’s also remembering that it’s doesn’t have to be about abuse, or an affair. Someone who is uncaring and selfish can be just as hard to live with (death by a thousands cuts type of thing).

The other side of nit settling doesn’t mean finding someone though. Why should we even HAVE TO find someone else? Research shows that women are actually happier in their own than married for example...
So for me not settling for xxx means acceot8ng to live with my life in my own. And if it happens that I am meeting someone else ‘better’, that I am happy to settle with, then that’s great. If I’m not, then so be it. Life doesn’t stop bevause you are single.

[dizzycatdance2]

"Be careful how much you sneer at helpful friends"
:

Umm , I have never sneered at my friends,

I'm seeing the "don't settle" from the other side as well,



the 45-55 year olds who are "told" by friends, media, film stars that they should be with someone decades younger, when all their ltr friends are, almost always, with a middle aged, typical looking "mum" type (no offence intended ,hope you "get" what I mean)




So on one hand we are told not to settle, and so are our potential partners and ,who knew ! lots of perfectly lovley people who would be great together don't get together.


It'd not all hearts and flowers, and that fades pretty fast any way, give me a man who'll go out and buy loo roll when needed rather than being a "prince"

I mentioned to a friend that id got ,i thought,, more than the normal chit chat from a chap at our local recycling centre / tip, lovley chap, great with (often quite rude) customers,

One friend said that I "could to better" ,

What ?? Better than a chap in full time work who appears to be kind and dependable ,



they just looked down on his type of job

[dizzycatdance2]

Sorry for lack of paragraphs, phone not playing ball

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

This thread is giving me lots of strength!

With Christmas round the corner I have a flurry of parties to go to where I will definitely be “Emma’d” by well-meaning friends and I will have to go into a long defensive spiel about how I’m happy single and how I can’t be arsed to go through the necessary beautifying and deforesting process to start putting myself on the market

Maybe I need a tee shirt saying “No I haven’t had a shag since last time you asked but I’m ok”

[ringle]

"Completely agree about bringing in Emma-ing as a new MN term. We already have Wendy-ing so it's good to have another new verb! Why should Shakespeare hold the monopoly of new words and expressions?"

[ringle]

:)
Got too excited...

For those asking, Emma's specific problem is that she wants things ostensibly for her friend that are totally unrealistic in the world they both live in. The friend is illegitimate and has no money but that doesn't stop Emma from convincing the girl that she should marry above her station. The poor girl is then humiliated by upper class men who want to marry a wife who is rich and legitimate.

The friend is beautiful and pleasant. So nowadays her social standing would be higher.

The criteria for being "eligible" have changed. Nowadays the ideal is to be:
beautiful, great in bed, pleasant.
In Emma's time, the ideal was to be:
beautiful, a gentleman's legitimate daughter and pleasant.
But to talk as if everyone had an equal chance is as stupid now as it was in 1810.

[VladmirsPoutine]

Also just to add dating can have a knock on your confidence when it invariably ends up with nothing.

[terfing]

Lots of great realistic sensible advice on this thread! I may nominate it for 'classics'!

[Beerwench]

Maybe I need a tee shirt saying “No I haven’t had a shag since last time you asked but I’m ok”grin

I need one too! I'm glad I live away from most of my family because it limits the "not met Mr Right yet" conversations!

[tinysparklyshoes]

Im just fed up of the certainty (of others) that if you want a dp you can just "get" one

I would say that you (generic you, not specific you OP!) can get one if you want one generally, but that you maybe wouldn't want the ones you could get?
I mean, if you lower your standards a lot (as in pretty much remove any standards) then there will be a few no hopers who would be anyones?

[WateryBintDistributingSwords]

ringle

You're a genius. This is such a great description and I completely forgot about the class element of the story.

The thing is that that this does happen and we definitely meet people who seem delusional as to their "prospects" but... I don't know if the OP is really describing this actual phenomenon or how common it really is.

In reality, most friends are biting their lip to stop themselves telling you the truth that you need to lose weight or brush your hair or dress less like a slob if you want to find someone. They hint at it and then people run to mumsnet to ask AIBU to be angry that my mom/sis/BFF/DP won't accept me for me? Generally it's NOT acceptable to bring up anything negative about anyone. And whilst celebrities date millionaires and billionaires, they're also incredibly attractive and desired by millions. About as much time is spent telling you that you are NOT as good as celebrities as is spent telling you what they do and who they marry.

So typically to me it's people "Emma-ing" themselves. People who have a very set idea of what they are "worth" and are extremely picky are usually surrounded by friends and family are actually trying to criticize gently but don't know how. Unfortunately, social media now steps in to help encourage the delusion. You see people like Tess Holliday saying that men who dont' want to date her are "cowards" or "weak" and they are encouraged and indulged by well wishing strangers for what they "represent" rather than encouraged to live in the real world.

What's a bit awkward is that the OP's friends are trying to get her to date probably because they think she needs to work harder not to be alone, rather than the other way round. She's seeing it as "overconfidence" in her dating prospects but it's likely the opposite.