To hate the "don't settle" fantasy.

[dizzycatdance2]

Bit jaded ATM so may have a clouded view, but I'm sick to death of the "don't settle" message.

Now , don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating staying in a dv /ea/fa etc relationship.

More the thought that if your current dp/bf has some "flaw" then get rid, get a better one, you deserve more, "don't settle". All ,in essence,good advice

Well I'm a 50 year old single mum to 4 teenage dcs, ex walked out 5 years ago, my physical appearance is heavily affected by scarring /severe skin condition.

In terms of OLD I'm just not " it" and in real life I just never , and I mean never, get approached.

I don't have the choice to "not settle" in the first f**king place.

Sorry for the rant, but the "it will happen when you least expect it", "there's plenty more fish..." Etc gets my goat, and it's usually said by those IN relationships.

I'm expecting all the "well if you were more positive" messages but if you were to meet me you'd think me (so friends have told me) happy,funny and generous,

[brasty]

Yes maybe true. I have been lucky to meet DP. DP thinks I am beautiful - I am not. But that is good enough for me.

[nibora]

I hate it when I see a thread where lots of posters pile in and tell someone she can do so much better, loads of great men out there, don't settle for a man who gets drunk once a year or forgets her birthday.

There are not lots of great men out there, the good ones are usually married, the single ones are in high demand.

I agree with you OP.

[brasty]

But that does not mean you have to settle. Often being single is better.

[Peanutbuttercheese]

The it just happens comments are just a bit of soft soaping for people to avoid talking and getting in to a conversation that they cannot be arsed with e.g something deep and meaningful.

My mate was OLD and getting no hits, she asked a few people what they thought of her profile. Of course they were nice about it. Her profile was quite frankly shit and I told her. We rewrote it and I took pictures of her because her photos were terrible. I know exactly how to take a good pic.

The problem with real life is almost everyone wants to be liked so you don't always get the truth. Its not just about people not wanting to hurt people a lot of it is about self preservation. I often say nothing as I don't want to lie, I wont soft soap though if asked a direct question.

When young I had a hit list as to what I wanted and had very high expectations but I was very confident. I still am so I'm one of those that doesn't have a problem. Confidence does attract people it the one thing we can change about ourselves whereas looks are something we can only tamper with.

I'm from a long line of strong but slightly eccentric women who basically have had the sort of ethos that men are a necessary evil and we are doing them a favour if we allow them in to our company.

[expatinscotland]

When I was single, what pissed me off more than the 'don't settle' line was people who thought it was their business to tell me 'It'll happen when you least expect it' 'There's a guy out there for you'. Gees, what if you're asexual, or considering that another women and not a guy might be for you or just not interested in a relationship (I have several FWBs that worked for me, as well as flings, ONS's)

[dizzycatdance2]

Thanks for all the replies ,

Beer : your post hit the mark,


My original op came after a dear friend (and b she is) sent me an "inspirational" , "relationship" video link.

I just wasn't in the mood for it. And friend is one of v those larger than life personalities who had men hitting on her all the time , she great , but I'm not her and I sm not "in there" with the postman / bus driver / shop keeper etc

[Jaxhog]

There's a big difference between 'just settling' and accepting minor flaws. Everyone has flaws, but only you can decide if they are acceptable to live with. A good relationship does need work - on both sides. Along with some compromise and sacrifice. But if the core attraction and mutual joy in each other isn't there, then that is 'settling'. Ultimately, each person has to make that choice.

[ceecee32]

Hmmm - I can see this from both sides of experience. I have been on my own for almost 20 years after a disastrous marriage. I dragged myself out of debt to own my own house and have security in the bank.

I told myself that I would never ever put up with someone who wasn't ideal or made me weak at the knees at the thought of seeing them (bit dramatic but you might get the idea) and I have stuck to that telling myself that I was better on my own.

About 6 weeks ago I started to see someone who is far from my ideal. And there is an element of settling for something but we enjoy each others company and it is so nice to have someone to do things with and to go places with. I worry that I am just accepting someone who makes me feel attractive for the first time in years.

I dont really find him physically attractive but its OK - he took it very well when I told him that he was doing something that I didn't like and it was good that I could say something and have a conversation about it. I am settling for something 'for now' and I am 60 so don't need to jump off the wardrobes - just feel as if it wont last because something is missing.

Perhaps I will just go back to being on my own again soon.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Yes, I agree with you OP.
But I'm agreeing from the point of being in a marriage that is far from perfect - no abuse, nothing untoward, but he's a bit of a manchild and we do bicker a fair bit. We still get on as well though, and have a laugh - it's just not all hearts and flowers.
If I started a thread about how annoying DH is, I'd be told to LTB and not "settle" - but in truth, that's not going to happen. However much he annoys me, I'd still rather he was around than not. BUT if he chose to leave, then I'd rather not bother again, so "settling" wouldn't come into it.

[SwedishEdith]

I don't know what the answer is but yes I get annoyed by the 'don't settle' message - maybe that's why the likes of me and you are in this situation OP? Because others don't want to 'settle' for what they see as a flawed human being and keep searching on past for that perfection? When of course, there's no such thing.

Very astute observation.

[misscheery]

OP, please take your "i don't have a choice to not settle" back!!! Why did you say that in the first place? Because you have a skin condition? I am sure you're beautiful like you are. Because you are a single mom? Because of you are age? None of them mean anything. You have the right to be loved, cherished, told you're beautiful every single day. So you have the choice of NOT SETTLING for anything less than you deserve. And you deserve a ton of love. Please don't say it OR think it again.

Sending lots of love!

[whiskyowl]

In the nicest possible way, I think you're talking about two very different things.

• Not feeling like a relationship is ever going to happen for you, because you don't feel attractive/don't have opportunities to meet people/don't have time
  

versus

• Being in a relationship that isn't quite right, and calibrating one's response to that. "Don't settle" is bad advice here if it means expecting perfection or some romcom romantic ideal; but good advice if it means not enduring a fault that is intolerable and leads to a serious degradation of life. There honestly are occasions where it is genuinely better for someone to be single than in a toxic relationship.
  

Wrt the first of these, I do think relationships require work and an investment of time/energy, same as anything else. You can't wait around passively to be approached - you have to get out there and do the approaching.

Have you seen that meme doing the rounds on social media? It says something like "I wish I was as thin as the first time I thought I was fat". There's a truth in that! We always feel insecure in the present, but looking back at the past, we can see that our insecurities were actually not well placed. It's a shame that future selves can't visit the present and give us a pep talk! You'll never be as young again as you are today, so get the hell out there and strut your stuff.

[dimots]

As for OLD I have found younger men more willing to consider me (late 40s) than those my age or a little older.
I think single 40 and 50 something men are single often because they are doing an extreme 'dont settle' thing. They are holding out for a younger beautiful woman, preferably with no children. Which they probably won't get.
Men in their thirties don't seem to do this as much.

[ringle]

Rofl misscheery.

that is really naive.

[dizzycatdance2]

I think I have mixed up the "don't settle" and the "it'll happen".



But as pp said the " don't settle" means the likes me , not a looker ,baggage etc. Means (in old anyway) that I'm not to be "settled with my the majority if men.



Though everything else I have to offer is pretty fab , just that it didn't come across in the first instance.


I'd tl rather people were kind but honest

[ringle]

Great thread btw and love the reconciliation about the "EMMA-ing".

[tumblrpigeon]

Agree OP.

I hate the don’t settle concept.

My best friend decided not to settle for her “dull” husband ten years ago.
She left him in her late thirties fully expecting to meet someone “better”.

She’s still single and very bitter

[Nanna50]

I agree OP and I think today that some people expect too much from their OH. Like you I would never advocate staying in an abusive relationship but sometimes people are quick to say you don't have to put up with this when someone is complaining. Long term relationships are full of compromise, hard work and can have periods of discontentment.

However I do think that couples are constantly bombarded with what a happy relationship is, or should be, on social media, films and in celebrity culture. Whereas in RL couples are often struggling with both of them working, expensive rent / mortgages, childcare, after school club activities etc

Two weeks ago I arrived home late after a very difficult day at work, my OH was on his playstation and my friend posted a candle lit bath that her OH had just run for her and so in my head I get pissed off at my OH because he hasn't done the same, or made my dinner and laid petals in the hallway for my return home

It's not a great example but it's one where we don't look at the bigger picture. We've been married over 25 years and have had many ups and downs and I have 'settled' for many of my OH's shortcomings and I appreciate that he loves and tolerates me despite my numerous flaws.

I'm not sure my relationship would have survived had I been on mumsnet seeking advice when I was younger

[ringle]

Question:is "Emma-ing" a known mumsnet thing? If not it seriously needs to be.

Also, all life coaches should not be allowed to practice until they can demonstrate an understanding o "Emma".

[tumblrpigeon]

whiskyowl what a lovely thoughtful post

[brasty]

Waiting for a "prince" who is perfect in every way, is unrealistic.
But I do think lots of women put up with too much in relationships, just so they can stay in the relationship. Being together a long time does not mean it is a good thing.

[tumblrpigeon]

I have most often heard the “don’t settle “ advice aimed at women in stable happyish but a bit humdrum relationships and marriages with decent men where “the spark has gone “.

I think that’s very dangerous advice in those circumstances

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Sometimes I don't think looks or age have anything to do with who asks you out.

I have known many very attractive and bright 20+ 30+ year old women who without OLD wouldn't get a first date and struggle getting a 2nd and have been single for more than 10 years and I have known many ugly old and fat women who are fighting off guys who all seem to be 20 years younger than them.

The only thing I could say is the difference is the older ones do have more confidence than anybody I know.

[tumblrpigeon]

please will someone explain what Emma ing is?