To hate the "don't settle" fantasy.

[dizzycatdance2]

Bit jaded ATM so may have a clouded view, but I'm sick to death of the "don't settle" message.

Now , don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating staying in a dv /ea/fa etc relationship.

More the thought that if your current dp/bf has some "flaw" then get rid, get a better one, you deserve more, "don't settle". All ,in essence,good advice

Well I'm a 50 year old single mum to 4 teenage dcs, ex walked out 5 years ago, my physical appearance is heavily affected by scarring /severe skin condition.

In terms of OLD I'm just not " it" and in real life I just never , and I mean never, get approached.

I don't have the choice to "not settle" in the first f**king place.

Sorry for the rant, but the "it will happen when you least expect it", "there's plenty more fish..." Etc gets my goat, and it's usually said by those IN relationships.

I'm expecting all the "well if you were more positive" messages but if you were to meet me you'd think me (so friends have told me) happy,funny and generous,

[GingerbreadMa]

I know plenty of single people who have "settled" for unsatisfying life styles

Or who wanted children but didnt have them because they wanted to be married first, but would only date a very limited cohort who ticked a list of boxes. They've "settled" too. They've settled for not having the child they hoped for.

Also I dont see my single friends as generally happier than my married pareny friends, they do however have a very different idea of what happy looks like. Ive recently stepped awah from a friend who kept insisting that I needed to do more "for myself". By which she meant childfree "girls" mini breaks and holidays, which I wouldnt enjoy, but to her mind I'm depriving myself by spending my travel budget on trips WITH my kids and partner!

[FizzyGreenWater]

I interpret it more as 'better to be alone than badly accompanied' which is certainly true.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

All these 'content' single people must have the financial wherewithal to be self supporting then. I'd happily stay single rather than have to settle, but I literally cannot afford to. Living alone is phenomenally expensive, and once I am forced to live on a pension it will be completely untenable. Life as a couple is cheaper. That's why so many of us do it.

[lizzieoak]

Yes to that zaphod. When I’m no longer getting child support my living circumstances are going to be drastically reduced. Scares the heck out of me. So besides being lonely (for a partner) there’s that aspect of it too. But mostly because I’d like to share my life, just the day to day, with someone.

Where I live, though, middle aged women only seem to be considered worthy of attention if they are very assertive and job-oriented. The ones like me who are more domestically oriented who were in demand 100 years ago are not valued in most circles.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"I think most people would be offended if their partner told them they'd settled for them."

I think they probably know deep down though.

[LittleKiwi]

@dizzycatdance2 is there anything you’d like to change about your situation? Would you like to meet a new partner?

[Breakfastat]

Social medial and the culture we live in tells us we should be madly in love with our partners and “not to settle”. Incorrect. I love my partner dearly but more of a comfort, safe, home feeling and to me that’s how it should be. Yep he has his flaws (as do i!) and if I had decided to “not settle” when we first started dating I would be without a loving partner who I have a great relationship with. I’d rather be with him than anyone else. Don’t buy in to the Disney fantasy, whatever your age.

[ringle]

Agree with Breakfastat,

Also this:
"from a friend who kept insisting that I needed to do more "for myself". By which she meant childfree "girls" mini breaks and holidays, which I wouldnt enjoy, "
I've got one of those friends

[GingerbreadMa]

Its a bit disney prince/twilight isnt it. " dont settle" for anything less than earth shattering passion from a landed prince, except those kinda #relationshipgoals are more likely to land you with a controling abuser, at best a player, than a decent caring partner.

[VladmirsPoutine]

I'm familiar with quite a few solvent men in their late 30s/early 40s which are looking to settle down and aren't specifically looking for 20-somethings. They are out there.
But settling means different things to different people. To some it means a man ready to have children get married - let's face it if women want children there comes a point they need to get cracking.
To others it means financial security. To each their own.

[Ragwort]

I know a lot of single people and, without exception, they are all happier & more contented than people in relationships.
I suspect at least some of them are hiding some sadness. Some groups of friends don't open up about problems

Gwen - maybe, but I also know a lot of married couples who aren't particularly happy and just stay together for the sake of convenience/financial reasons - and lead pretty much separate lives.

In my experience (and I know everyone is different) - people who make a conscious choice to stay single are generally happier than those in relationships.

[simiisme]

I agree with 'Don't settle' from the point of view of staying in an abusive or neglectful relationship.
I don't agree with 'Don't settle' from the perspective of expecting to only accept a Ryan Reynolds (insert other hottie name here) look alike, with a sparkling personality, huge bank balance and the saintly attitude of Mother Theresa. Real life ain't like that.
We all have flaws. The perfect relationship is one where each embraces the other's flaws but loves them anyway.

[SelmaAndJubjub]

I'm not sure my relationship would have survived had I been on mumsnet seeking advice when I was younger

I don't believe 99% of the LTB-ing I read on MN (excluding posts about DV, EA etc) . I suspect the most vociferous posters are unhappy in their own relationships, which are nothing like the "my way or the highway" fantasies they like to project.

[HoHoHoHo]

I see don't settle as meaning don't stay with someone for the sake of being with someone if they make you unhappy rather than waiting for a hansome millionaire with a 6 pack who is never annoying, pre-empts your every whim and never farts. I think being in a relationship with someone you feel is beneath you (which is what settling is really) seems quite disrespectful.

[libbyb]

It's all down to your 'type' You either need to live within a relationship or you don't. If your happiest on your own, then don't go into something that you know will not be forever. You are extremely self critical - although you say your friends describe you positively. To me you are a down to earth type, you are a Mum to 4 DC's and so - from that perspective you aren't un-fanciable/or unattractive
But you are sending out a ring fenced vibe which is not inviting friendship or any shreds of a relationship.
If somebody wants to start a relationship with you and you aren't receptive you stop early. You sound to me as though you are now ready to commit to somebody and that you aren't ready to just accept 'anyone'. Life has strange ways of throwing up the unusual - but hey - don't live your life through other people - you are a contented individual with life as it is now - in a year or two you may feel like you want to get back in the 'game'. It may never come - it may already have hit you?? Go with your instincts and please don't do yourself down or put your life on hold for what may come. Be happy x

[Gwenhwyfar]

"people who make a conscious choice to stay single are generally happier than those in relationships."

Ah, OK, but that is not typical of single people and is not OP's situation. Most single people would like to meet someone and most of the ones I know are lonely and unhappy to some extent.

[Ttbb]

I've always felt that a lot of women and men overestimate their own worth and end up giving up a lot of adequate partners in the prime years only to realise that staying with them wouldn't have been 'settling' at all when it's too late.

[dizzycatdance2]

But you are sending out a ring fenced vibe which is not inviting friendship or any shreds of a relationship.,................................
Ooookkkkaaayyyyyy , that feels like quite a insight from a few posts on a forum, but maybe you know how I am IRL better than I do..............................
My op wasn't about how successful I ,personally , am (or not) in terms of relationships but the attitude of some that all you have to do is be confident / volunteer . / ask your friends etc etc and a relationship can be yours. The reality is for older , non model , baggage laden women is.just.isn't. Like.that.

[3out]

I think the ‘dont settle’ thing is particularly prevalent in the younger generations (under 25s) of today. I don’t mean all younger people are like that, it’s just I know some, and they happen to be in that age group. They’re sad they’ve not met Mr Right yet, and worried that they never will, but they also have a pretty hefty ‘checklist’ of what Mr Right will be, and that settling for anything less will mean that they’ll be letting themselves down.
I feel a lot of that generation have been sold a lie, and are expecting the full package. I wouldn’t mind if these people were happy, but the ones I know are not. They are putting so much pressure on themselves.
No, don’t ever settle for someone who is a bully, who controls you, etc, but let’s be realistic that some small flaws are perfectly acceptable and don’t amount to ‘settling’.

[WateryBintDistributingSwords]

Are you an "Emma" by any chance and those pesky friends if yours just won't take the good advice offered ???

Exact opposite. I had amazing friends set me up with someone I never would have thought it would work with.

fwiw I don't not monopolise conversations IRL with my desperate hunt for a man so don't appreciate the underlying assumption that I, and others like me, must be ",helped"

Why do you see it as some sort of insult? You seem obsessed with people thinking you're worse than them but really it's just about your goals. If you want to be single, fine. If you want to date, fine. Your friends are a good resource for dating.

Do you want to date? Or not? I can't really tell through all your defensive replies?

[WateryBintDistributingSwords]

The reality is for older , non model , baggage laden women is.just.isn'tLiLike.that.

See you keep saying stuff like this and that's why I wonder what the real issue is. Models date models, generally. So non models can date... non models. I mean, don't men also have baggage? I don't know what the big deal is.

Is dating in your 50s really that bad?

[Beerwench]

Do you want to date? Or not? I can't really tell through all your defensive replies?

Watery - I think that sentence right there is the crux of the issue if I've understood correctly (please correct me OP if not!) And it's certainly part of the issue I have - it doesn't matter if I (or anyone in the same situation) wants to date because there is no option to date because the interest from any potential date isn't there.

[BitchQueen90]

Meh. I'm in the "don't settle" camp. By that I mean don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you well or that you don't want to be with. Don't be with someone just for the sake of it. I'd rather be single forever than be in a half hearted relationship.

[dizzycatdance2]

Is dating in your 50s really that bad?

,.................................Watery : I'm guessing here, just a hunch , that you are not 50, most probably not even close ????
,..,................................
Do I want to date or don't I ??? To be Frank, I don't really know, that's not what this thread is about. But I have grown very weary of the fantasy around older women and new relationships. I'm just honest about what is actually real.

[dizzycatdance2]

Like being honest about physical appearance having an effect. You can be as "beautiful on the inside" as you v like but in today's world severe disfigurement is going to have an effect, its not right but it's true, simple , basic human reactions.