To hate the "don't settle" fantasy.

[dizzycatdance2]

Bit jaded ATM so may have a clouded view, but I'm sick to death of the "don't settle" message.

Now , don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating staying in a dv /ea/fa etc relationship.

More the thought that if your current dp/bf has some "flaw" then get rid, get a better one, you deserve more, "don't settle". All ,in essence,good advice

Well I'm a 50 year old single mum to 4 teenage dcs, ex walked out 5 years ago, my physical appearance is heavily affected by scarring /severe skin condition.

In terms of OLD I'm just not " it" and in real life I just never , and I mean never, get approached.

I don't have the choice to "not settle" in the first f**king place.

Sorry for the rant, but the "it will happen when you least expect it", "there's plenty more fish..." Etc gets my goat, and it's usually said by those IN relationships.

I'm expecting all the "well if you were more positive" messages but if you were to meet me you'd think me (so friends have told me) happy,funny and generous,

[dizzycatdance2]

Wwhhhhhaaatttt. ,my thoughts exactly,


50 years old ,odd looking ,single mum to 4dc = 5th inline to English Throne.



Emma-ing starts here !!!!!



And I love the t-shirt idea ,


a particular bug bear is the assumption that after 5 years of no action in the lady garden arena I must be desperate,


Well,for me, no , I'm just not that bothered,


But then I'll get the ",oh I was like that and then the flood gates opened"


Its like others think that because x,y or z worked / affected them its will be the same for you , and they " know" because look they are in a ltr / have a fwb / are dating etc etc

[AmIthatbloodycold]

No, Tiny, you're wrong.

Some - well maybe loads- can't get someone. At all.

[tinysparklyshoes]

I don't think I am. There are men out there who would be with literally anyone who would have sex with them have them. You'd have to have no standards at all, but there are plenty of them.

I agree that many can't get someone they'd have a vague interest in, which is a more useful metric.

[AmIthatbloodycold]

Well, Tiny, I can't even meet them so that's not true for me

[tinysparklyshoes]

Why?

[WateryBintDistributingSwords]

"In reality, friends matchmaking you is how Meghan Markle (a 36 year old foreign divorcee "commoner" got engaged Prince Harry) so I'd be careful at how much you sneer at helpful friends."

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

50 years old ,odd looking ,single mum to 4dc = 5th inline to English Throne.

Well, you sound delightful; no wonder you're drowning in men.

As was pretty obvious from my comment, Meghan's FRIENDS knew a number of "attractive" available men that they introduced her to. That's why I mentioned the MATCHMAKING. On paper, he was "better than her" but in reality they were not that different and their friends knew this
BECAUSE THEY KNEW THEM BOTH WELL which is why she was SPECIFICALLY INTRODUCED TO HIM THROUGH A MUTUAL FRIEND.

I'm obviously not suggesting that you will marry Prince Harry (because that clearly makes no sense) despite how sneery you want to get. I was implying that your FRIENDS may be a good resource, better than OLD, and may be able to introduce you to people through their networks so think harder about whether or not you want to shut them down completely and insist that "you don't want anyone. leave me alone" if there's a chance that you can find someone though FRIENDS, because that is the way a lot of people meet someone.

And on the plus side, asking them to introduce you to someone will probably shut them up from giving you advice if they can't find anyone themselves!

[MiniTheMinx]

there are men out there who would literally....
The implication seems to be that lots of men are not worth having. What if I were to say this in relation to women? Oh dear, wouldn't sound good would it! But the truth is if there are men women scraping the barrel in desperation, there's men doing the same.

This afternoon I saw plenty of ordinary, dull looking, not particularly beautiful people holding hands and smiling at each other. Should I dart over and ask "are you so desperate that you've settled" they would no doubt be puzzled. Quite rightly.

[MiniTheMinx]

*if women are scraping the barrel

[dizzycatdance2]

WATERY WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING ? .....................................................................
I was wondering when the "you can get a man because. (Insert here)" would start............
...............................
.....

PS I wasn't saying I would marry harry (he'd want babies and all that stuff ,so id have to say no) but that the experience of Harry is even remotely what this thread is about. Are you an "Emma" by any chance and those pesky friends if yours just won't take the good advice offered ??? ,......................................fwiw I don't not monopolise conversations IRL with my desperate hunt for a man so don't appreciate the underlying assumption that I, and others like me, must be ",helped" ,.............................BTW I was up for a blind date with a friend's brother but in the end he was still healing after a messy divorcé

[tinysparklyshoes]

The implication seems to be that lots of men are not worth having. What if I were to say this in relation to women? Oh dear, wouldn't sound good would it!

It would sound like the truth, since it is.

[dizzycatdance2]

Sorry "you can't get a man"

[TossDaily]

I know what you're saying, OP.

I often wonder what would happen if DP wasn't around. I never, ever get approached, ever.

I approached my XH, and my relationship with DP grew from a friendship.

In all the years I was at uni, I never got asked out, once. I had a boyfriend at home (XH) so I wouldn't have said yes, but they weren't to know that, were they?

The only guy who approached me after my divorce was in a LTR, so he was a catch

It amazes me when people on here say things like 'If you want someone to shag, just go out and find someone.'

I wouldn't know where to start.

[ringle]

WateryBintDistributingSwords

thank you!

Emma-ing is, I think, an industry, staffed by advertisers ("You're Worth It") etc. All those false promises. From there it trickles down to coaches, therapists, people who come to give talks in schools.

For Harriet (the friend in the book) pretending to be as eligible as Emma just leads to humiliation, and steers her away from fulfillment with a nice man who loves her.

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

There are men out there who would be with literally anyone who would have sex with them have them

I don’t believe this. It’s an all-pervasive trope, encouraged by sitcoms like Friends, HIMYM, BBT etc that all men are gagging for it and any woman can have sex if she wants.

In RL most women aren’t shiny haired sitcom skinnies and this kind of shit just makes them feel bad when men aren’t knocking on their door.

[AmIthatbloodycold]

You're right Toss

Tiny. I have no idea why I can't meet anyone. I must be hideously ugly and devoid of personality

[tinysparklyshoes]

You might not beleive it, but its true. I know men like this. And you're really not thinking about the type of men I am talking about if you are referencing american sitcoms!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I'm sorry I ever posted on this thread but it's taught me something. IF I ever hear one of my friends say anything akin to what the OP has posted. I'll smile and nod - and move on.

I think I'd rather be a 'Wendy' on balance.

[Ragwort]

I am constantly amazed at why 'having a partner' is seen as so important/desirable. Maybe I am missing something because to me if you are comfortable with your own company why would you want someone else in your life, I know a lot of single people and, without exception, they are all happier & more contented than people in relationships.

Be careful what you wish for .

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

And you're really not thinking about the type of men I am talking about if you are referencing american sitcoms!

I’m not talking about the men so much as the idea put about that any woman can get it if she wants.

[tinysparklyshoes]

Any woman pretty much can get the absolute worst of the dregs if she wanted, was my point. But why would she want it?

[AmIthatbloodycold]

And my point is that some of us can't even get that. So, thanks

[tinysparklyshoes]

you haven't said why you think you can't. Would you want to?

[lizzieoak]

Some people are Emma-ing themselves. A friend of mine works in healthcare (not a dr) and has been single for 3 years now, is bubbly, attractive, kind - but will not consider anyone in manual labour as she’s sure a dr is right around the corner.

Personally (single for 12 years, single mum, am told I’m “beautiful”) I can’t do substance abuse, stupidity with money or a chicken little mindset.

Otherwise I’m happy to “settle” but I never get approached. Friends never offer to set me up.

I agree that women who have dp’s, especially the ones who’ve been together decades, live in la-la land w regard to the likelihood of meeting anyone when middle-aged. Most middle-aged men I know seem to repair quite quickly with women ten or more years younger than themselves. It may be the demographics where I am, but it’s really depressing.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"I know a lot of single people and, without exception, they are all happier & more contented than people in relationships."

I suspect at least some of them are hiding some sadness. Some groups of friends don't open up about problems.

[HoHoHoHo]

I think most people would be offended if their partner told them they'd settled for them.