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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband is obsessed with money - working full time?

222 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 01/12/2017 07:41

We have been skint for a long time. We do have the odd day out, drinks in the pub etc but we don't have anything left at the end of the month and if something breaks (like the washing machine this week!) it hits us hard as we have no savings. I currently work 2 days a week and DH works full time. He constantly goes on about "when I go back to work full time". I have said I don't want to work full time as we struggled with getting a good balance last time at home. Spending weekends cleaning and feel guilty any time we had someone watch DS instead of being home with him ourselves etc. Now DS is older and we have DD my focus is on making memories with them and making their lives full of fun. Yes this would be easier with more money but me being full time means the kids in childcare from 8-6 Monday to Friday (DS in school now so not totally unaffordable) and no time for afterschool activities, playdates, homework etc.
I have said I would happily work 3-4 days (3 we would be getting by just fine, 4 would give us some extra cash for saving) but not 5 yet he still goes on about how much money we will have when I am full time again. AIBU to say I don't think I will be going full time until the youngest is in juniors? We won't be struggling anymore once I take an extra day or two and I don't think the extra money is worth the cost of spending time with our kids.

OP posts:
Hercules12 · 01/12/2017 07:49

As long as he has the same choice to go part time or could you swap?
Yabu. I would resent dh if he worked part time and we struggled.

Ellisandra · 01/12/2017 07:51

I'm sorry but "making memories" triggers my Hmm response big time. You know that those of us who have to work full time do actually have memories of our children's childhood's and they do too?

Partly, this comes down to what you agreed before, especially if there is no change in circumstance.

You say you'd happily do 3 or 4 days. Well - why haven't you already compromised to do that?

Having to do housework at the weekend? Yeah, that's life. If he does his fair share (?) that's no onerous. And actually, if you're 4 days a week I don't see why you would have to.

So - thinking you have a better balance 4 days a week - YANBU.

Not taking steps to move to 4 days when your family has little financial cushion - YABU.

And a big YABU to the phrase "making memories".

Ellisandra · 01/12/2017 07:52

Btw: my child manages to do her homework with me despite me working full time Shock

We even do play dates. I use some holiday through the year to do half days to organise them.

And I manage to do housework Shock

expatinscotland · 01/12/2017 07:52

He needs to step up and pull his weight in the lifework if you are both FT. That's what you need to work on.

ZigZagandDustin · 01/12/2017 07:53

What Hercules said.

If you are working full time he also needs to pull his weight in the home. Will he do that?

But I wouldn't be impressed with a partner who wasn't willing to work full time especially if money was tight.

pointythings · 01/12/2017 07:53

It's important to have a financial safety net. YABU, your household cannot afford a part timer.

My kids were in childcare and only had activities on weekends- they make up for it now in their teens and can do most things independently. We have plenty of great memories. You need to start pulling your weight.

whyohwhycantI · 01/12/2017 07:53

how old are the children? tbh, if you are struggling financially then you are totally unreasonable in my opinion.

Bringing up children is not just making memories you also have to make sure you can provide for them financially. How fun would the memories be if there wasn't a working washing machine??

StickThatInYourPipe · 01/12/2017 07:53

He needs to step up and pull his weight in the lifework if you are both FT. That's what you need to work on

Did I miss the bit where OP said her DH doesn’t do his fair share of the housework?

yorkshapudding · 01/12/2017 07:54

I feel a bit sorry for your DH actually. He's clearly feeling under pressure as the main breadwinner and is probably worried about the future given that you have no savings.
I'm sure he would also like to focus on "making memories" and having "fun" but someone has to be practical.

deepestdarkestperu · 01/12/2017 07:54

Why is it okay for you to work part-time while he has to work five days a week to pay the bills?

One parent working part-time (or staying at home) only works if it's affordable and both parties are happy with the arrangement. Your DH clearly isn't happy carrying the financial strain and is trying to tell you that.

I would not be impressed if we needed the money and my partner refused to work full-time in order to "make memories" with the kids while I was working.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him - he shouldn't have to take the strain financially when you're quite capable of working full-time and helping out.

RefuseTheLies · 01/12/2017 07:55

YABU to work part-time if your family is struggling financially.

comedycentral · 01/12/2017 07:55

I think that your husband is trying to tell you that he is sick of living this way. If there is a choice to make things a bit easier with your family then why not? He must feel the full financial burden and worry for your family, like you say if something as small as the washing machine broke you would be in trouble.

Ellisandra · 01/12/2017 07:56

It also sounds unfair to say he's obsessed with money, if what he wants is not to have your savings wiped out by a washing machine dying.

That's more "sensible" than "obsessed".

tinypop4 · 01/12/2017 07:57

Hmm I think if you're struggling to the point of not having any savings for emergencies, then you need to work more.
You can make memories at weekends and holidays. We both work full time, although I am in education so do have holidays to spend with my DC.
This is because we value having savings for emergencies, holidays together, and would like to move to a bigger property at some point.

Working part time is a luxury that is lovely if you can afford it, but if you can't then I think your Dh has a valid point and you should go back to work a bit more.

Appuskidu · 01/12/2017 07:57

How would you feel if roles were reversed? You were killing your self working full time and your partner only did 2 days yet you were really skint and their reason for this was they wanted to ‘make memories’? Would those memories be without you as you’d be at work?!

If you’re happy to work 3-4 days, why aren’t you doing it?

Ellisandra · 01/12/2017 07:59

Just re- read - you've said no to full time until youngest in juniors?!
So at LEAST another 3 years then?

They don't need to do lots of after school clubs, btw. And there's weekends for clubs too.

I work full time and my daughter does 3x after school and 3x at the weekend (she loves to dance!). Loads of clubs.

You're putting up barriers (like the homework!) so I'd get annoyed too if I were him.

wheresthel1ght · 01/12/2017 08:01

Sorry, but I think you are being selfish. Your post reeks of what you want and not what is best for the family.

I have mental health issues, I struggle a lot to work full time but I still work 30 hours min a week so that we can afford things. The pressure of being the breadwinner with my exh nearly killed me.

You need to set a budget, you need to increase your income, can you work from home? Maybe take in ironing or do cleaning to earn some extras? You are being very unfair on your dh. I think you need to look beyond yourself

PramWanker · 01/12/2017 08:01

You should work a bit more, but the flipside to that is that he will need to step up and take on a greater share of house and family stuff, and he's no more right to insist on you working 5 days for treat money than you do to insist on working 2 days which leaves you stretched. Compromise.

Spock25 · 01/12/2017 08:04

I’m in a position where my husband works FT and I’m a SAHM. He earns enough for us to live comfortably and put some money away most months. But if we were in a position where we weren’t earning enough I would definitely be working full time or how ever many hours needed for us to get by and amass some savings.

Maybe if you go back to work FT you could hire a cleaner and have more time at the weekend for the kids? We paid about £18 a week for ours. It’s great to be at home and be around for the kids but you guys don’t want to put yourselves in a position of financial stress, I think your husband is being quite sensible.

LunasSpectreSpecs · 01/12/2017 08:04

One parent working part-time (or staying at home) only works if it's affordable and both parties are happy with the arrangement. Your DH clearly isn't happy carrying the financial strain and is trying to tell you that.

Totally agree with that. We can comfortably afford for me to work part time even though my kids are older, but if things changed I'd be back part time in a heart beat.

OP you sound quite selfish to be honest and I feel sorry for your DH. And stop it with the artificial, sickly "making memories" shite.

ilovesooty · 01/12/2017 08:04

Where does "treat money" come into it? It hardly seems unreasonable for him to prefer to have some money to cover emergencies such as appliance replacement.

thewisestoldelf · 01/12/2017 08:05

If this thread were reversed and your DH wanted to "make memories" with your kids while you scraped by financially with HIM working PT can you imagine the response?

HuskyMcClusky · 01/12/2017 08:07

I'm sorry but "making memories" triggers my hmm response big time.

Mine too. You don’t ‘make memories’; it’s such a twee expression. Children remember things, good and bad and mundane, and that’s life.

It sounds as if you simply don’t have enough money coming in, if you have no savings for emergencies without being ‘wiped out’.

Why don’t you go back to work an extra day or two a week, and then you can demonstrate that the 5th day is not necessary?

Ellisandra · 01/12/2017 08:09

I wonder as well whether your husband is actually happy for the short term compromise but his frequent references to when you work full time are his way of keeping this on the table that you can't be part time forever?

Because as you said it's at least 3 years more that you want to (and however many before).

Do you think he's concerned that once you get to that stage (youngest in juniors) you'll move the goal posts? (Oh but she has clubs... Tbh, clubs, play dates, homework - all YOUR reasons - feature much more in juniors than infants)

I suspect he's worried that there's no end in sight to your "making memories" and having ZERO savings.

Have you read the pension thread that's running?! Even a washing machine wipes you out. I would be permanently low level stressed in your financial situation with no safety.

deepestdarkestperu · 01/12/2017 08:09

And he's absolutely not obsessed with money - he's very sensible to want a rainy day fund and some savings. If he's the breadwinner, what happens if he's made redundant or has to go off sick for whatever reason? You admit you have no savings - so how are you going to pay the bills then?

If you're skint as a family it's absolutely not fair for you to stay at 2 days a week when you have no money to pay to fix the washing machine.