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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband is obsessed with money - working full time?

222 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 01/12/2017 07:41

We have been skint for a long time. We do have the odd day out, drinks in the pub etc but we don't have anything left at the end of the month and if something breaks (like the washing machine this week!) it hits us hard as we have no savings. I currently work 2 days a week and DH works full time. He constantly goes on about "when I go back to work full time". I have said I don't want to work full time as we struggled with getting a good balance last time at home. Spending weekends cleaning and feel guilty any time we had someone watch DS instead of being home with him ourselves etc. Now DS is older and we have DD my focus is on making memories with them and making their lives full of fun. Yes this would be easier with more money but me being full time means the kids in childcare from 8-6 Monday to Friday (DS in school now so not totally unaffordable) and no time for afterschool activities, playdates, homework etc.
I have said I would happily work 3-4 days (3 we would be getting by just fine, 4 would give us some extra cash for saving) but not 5 yet he still goes on about how much money we will have when I am full time again. AIBU to say I don't think I will be going full time until the youngest is in juniors? We won't be struggling anymore once I take an extra day or two and I don't think the extra money is worth the cost of spending time with our kids.

OP posts:
Turkkadin · 01/12/2017 23:55

Maybe try and economise as much as possible so you are making every pound stretch as far as possible. Being at home most of the time definately requires budgeting and sacrifices. Apologies if you are doing this already. Your youngest is still very little. Don't feel guilty because you want a few years with your young children at home.

blueshoes · 02/12/2017 00:16

It is something to be criticised if her dh does not agree with it.

MistressDeeCee · 02/12/2017 00:17

Don't let anyone guilt trip you about wanting to be around more whilst your DCs are little. Sit down draw up a budget with your DH, then tighten your belts and economise. Its what loads of people have had to do, nothing new. So many people simply cannot see beyond having "stuff". I had sweet f.a. in savings policies etc when DCs were little. I do now that they're in their 20s tho.
You mentioned difficulty when washing machine broke down - but it's not a case of no income in near future, and you both work. If you'd no income imminent that'd be a different story

If life was all about money, people with money would all be happy. If it were all about grafting outside the home, then all children who's parents did that, would be happy and well adjusted. & that's not the case. There are many different ways to live, many different family/work set ups.

Work out with DH what's best for your family and tell him to stop repeating into your ear about returning to work. Start talking and if you actually do decide yes I could consider full-time then make sure that talk includes his share of family life. As if you're both full-time then childcare housework pick ups etc is his shared responsibility too.

But definitely don't be guilt tripped by people who deep down don't see being with and raising your children etc, as being of value in a relationship. Conditioning has people thinking you only matter if you work outside the home. In your case you work part-time do you're not idling are you. Hope all works out

blueshoes · 02/12/2017 00:42

Pointing out that OP's choice to make memories leaves the family vulnerable with no financial safety cushion is hardly 'guilt tripping'. That emotive extrapolation is to discredit the motives behind some pretty sensible advice and ends up sounding just a little defensive.

Sparklefloof · 02/12/2017 02:01

RidingWindhorses childcare should be a joint cost split between both partners. It shouldn't have to come out of one person's (often the woman's) salary.

IMO, it may be tight for a while but nursery is only temporary! By working, you're increasing your earning potential via promotions etc.

RavingRoo · 02/12/2017 02:10

What kind of memories is OP making for her kids while the dad works full time to fund it all? Does he get to make memories too? Maybe if you got some part time call centre or retail work on the weekend it might even things out. Temp or casual weekend labour is always needed this time of year in retail.

LoislovesStewie · 02/12/2017 09:21

Money doesn't make you happy, but having money means far less anxiety.

strawberrypenguin · 02/12/2017 09:49

mistress her DH is her family too and the current set up clearly doesn’t work for him or does he not count?

mogonfoxnight · 02/12/2017 09:53

I agree with turkkadin and mistressdeecee Our working lives are usually 45 plus years, often more for people who are passionate about they do, and your dc are young for a fraction of that time.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 02/12/2017 10:03

I'd have left you, it would be that simple. There's no way I'd want somebody so selfish as a partner. Full time working parents make memories so that's a load of rubbish.

You'd rather make him work full time and watch him struggle financially than pull your weight. That speaks volumes.

Hulder · 02/12/2017 13:18

You can't guarantee what memories your DCs will make. While money doesn't make happiness, not being skint all the time does relieve a lot of anxiety.

I have some very happy memories of my childhood yes, despite both parents working FT However I also have v strong memories of us having no money, parental tension over how they were going to pay the bills, worries about how they would manage if the car broke down or when DF got made redundant.

If your set-up is strained by a washing-machine breakdown, then your DH has a point about finances.

Rollmopsrule · 02/12/2017 13:34

I'm basically in exactly the same position as you Op. Partner works full time, I work part time. I could work more but I choose not to because I like dropping off / picking up my DC from school and doing stuff with them. It's a routine we have that involves us having time to do stuff together that I hope they do remember as happy times. They hate after school club so I doubt it would appreciated if I worked full time and plonked them in there so I can make more money.
We have made sacrifices but my partner is 100% on board and appreciates it which sounds different to your situation. Your DD is only 2!!! If you can manage on 2 days then that's enough. Don't be guilted into anything more. You can work more when she's a bit older.
Of course parents working FT can ' make memories' .... I hate that term ( yuk) but as I already said it doesn't actually sound like they are desperate for the money so maybe your DH needs to change his attitude and appreciate what you do for your DCs. They grow up so quick, you will never get that time back.

southeastdweller · 02/12/2017 14:19

More idealistic postings. Memories won’t give the OP much comfort if she ever wakes up at 3am wondering how she’s going to pay for a new boiler because she has no savings, or if her and her DH have argument after argument in the future because he thinks she’s not pulling her weight. Kids pick up in these tensions.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 02/12/2017 14:23

I already said it doesn't actually sound like they are desperate for the money

To me it does. That is where we differ, a lot of people would not choose to live hand to mouth, particularly with children. Making memories won't be much help if you end up homeless.

Lashalicious · 02/12/2017 14:35

Op, don’t let anyone make you feel guilty or “selfish” for spending part of the week rearing your children and “only” 2 days working outside the house. I knew when my child was born, I would not be going back to my old job while strangers brought up my child for 10 hours a day, five days a week. The childcare costs would overwhelm the salary I made, plus I’ve had this child only to promptly hand over to strangers for the privilege of raising? Hell no. Plenty of time to do career stuff after the important stuff of family is done. I loved every minute of being there for the younger years. Maybe you can streamline the budget and make it work. There’s always a way. Don’t put any more burdens on your dh to provide extras and do your best to help him appreciate the important work you’re doing for his children. This time will pass, soon enough the children will be grown and out of the house. Enjoy every second with them. It’s worth it.

Jigglytuff · 02/12/2017 14:40

They have no savings, they have nothing left over at the end of the month and they can't afford to replace big items when they break.

That's financially precarious. A lot of people are in that situation through force of circumstance but doing it by choice is batty

Jigglytuff · 02/12/2017 14:43

Oh here we go with the working mother bashing: "children brought up by strangers"

What lovely memories the OP's children will have of their parents bickering over money and having a panic attack when the clutch on the car goes Hmm

Lashalicious · 02/12/2017 14:45

And I want to add that I agree with Roll, Turk, Mistress, and MogonFox!! Great posts. Op, you will never regret spending these few precious days, weeks, years with your young children. Enjoy, these are the magical years. There is nothing better in life, I have learned, than being there for your young children and raising them yourself. Don’t give an instant’s thought to critics. They may be dealing with the regret and frustration of their own decisions on this subject.

NameChange30 · 02/12/2017 14:46

Jiggly
This was my favourite bit:
“I’ve had this child only to promptly hand over to strangers for the privilege of raising”
Grin

People always claim they’re just talking about their own choices and not judging others’. But they never stop to think about how their arguments and justifications come across to people who have made different choices.

As if working parents don’t raise their own children Grin

WitchesHatRim · 02/12/2017 14:47

it doesn't actually sound like they are desperate for the money

Struggling to find £250 to pay for a washing machine and so putting more pressure in her DH isn't exactly good is it!

Increasinglymiddleaged · 02/12/2017 14:51

I think tbf though there is judgement each way. I like others cannot imagine why anyone would choose to put themselves into the financial situation that they are in, so I'm judging for that I guess. Others judge for working. It goes both ways really.

I think fundamentally you need to have at least similar attitudes to money to your DP/H and the issue here is that they don't.

ArgyMargy · 02/12/2017 14:52

Well very few people remember anything that happened before they were 4. I'm another one who hates the phrase "making memories" and I managed to spend plenty of time with my DC while working FT. YABU.

southeastlondonmum · 02/12/2017 15:05

I have two DC (4 and 7) and have worked everything from full time to part time since they are born. I am now three days a week with school age children. It's an enormous luxury but only possible because I worked v hard for an enormous period of time and now earn a v good wage in a three day week. If we were struggling to buy a wash machine, I would be back full time in an instant. Also would add that my children have barely reacted to the changes in my working pattern and have grown and developed with other care givers

NameChange30 · 02/12/2017 15:06

Increasingly
Well yes, there is always a lot of judgement in AIBU! Elsewhere too but it’s particularly bad here.
I don’t judge either way. I work part-time, I’m happy with my choice and I can see why people would choose to work full-time or be a SAHP, even though neither of those feel right for me at this time.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 02/12/2017 15:13

I don't judge for any level of working or not and can understand all scenarios for different people. It's the OP's attitude to money that I can't understand.