My husband is obsessed with money - working full time?

[hidinginthenightgarden]

We have been skint for a long time. We do have the odd day out, drinks in the pub etc but we don't have anything left at the end of the month and if something breaks (like the washing machine this week!) it hits us hard as we have no savings. I currently work 2 days a week and DH works full time. He constantly goes on about "when I go back to work full time". I have said I don't want to work full time as we struggled with getting a good balance last time at home. Spending weekends cleaning and feel guilty any time we had someone watch DS instead of being home with him ourselves etc. Now DS is older and we have DD my focus is on making memories with them and making their lives full of fun. Yes this would be easier with more money but me being full time means the kids in childcare from 8-6 Monday to Friday (DS in school now so not totally unaffordable) and no time for afterschool activities, playdates, homework etc.
I have said I would happily work 3-4 days (3 we would be getting by just fine, 4 would give us some extra cash for saving) but not 5 yet he still goes on about how much money we will have when I am full time again. AIBU to say I don't think I will be going full time until the youngest is in juniors? We won't be struggling anymore once I take an extra day or two and I don't think the extra money is worth the cost of spending time with our kids.

Also as a single parent that works full time and my child is in full time childcare, I'm worried his brain will have a big hole in it where his childhood memories are supposed to be.

@TeachesOfPeaches don't worry about memories. Kids are not able to create memories until they are about 4 years old as last research shown. They can however build on feelings and experiences, they just don't remember it later.
Also just think hard, how much do you remember from your childhood. All of us have a big hole instead of memories.

Love and care, that is what your kid needs and that is exactly what you provide :).

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3098995-To-be-worried-how-I-will-manage-to-work-until-I-am-67

@stopfuckingshoutingatme thank you!

I work three days a week. DH works full time. We have talked many times about whether I should up my hours when DD goes to school next year but he says it's up to me and if I want to stay part time that's fine.

We don't have big savings when things go wrong and are often a bit short each month. For me, I know I get the perfect work life balance on three days and my performance is over what's expected as a result. My job can be high pressure and if I go full time again, not only will we have the before and after school costs to deal with, my anxiety will get worse and I may never be able to drop back down to 3 days again. DH deals with work totally differently to me and is in a steady place with his job, in a management position. I am also lucky that I get an annual bonus which he doesn't, which helps a bit with savings or bigger outlays since having DD.

I think whatever you do it HAS to work for both of you. If your husband is resentful I think you need to consider upping your days so you have the extra income to help relieve the pressure.

Surely you want memories with dh and dc?
So work full time.
Hire a cleaner or lower your standards.. go.out on weekend to make memories and leave the hoovering...stop ironing everything if that takes time. . shop online it is quicker and you can do.it at night. Or Get dc to help hoovering so you can all go out and make family memories .
Single working parent and lots of nice memories

If you want your kids to have a SAHP to 'make memories' with them that's great. Sounds like one of you needs to get a better paying job though.

I think there is a compromise to be had, or perhaps I'm biased because I work 4 days a week .

The non working day helps me to do a lot of chores so they're out of the way for the weekend and I know because he's said so, that I'm definitely a lot less stressy with DS as I'm not in such a rush to get out the door. DS is 11 now, but still have school holidays to cover. To be honest, if I can get away with it I won't up to 5 days ever. My job is stressful and I find 4 days to be more than enough. Difference is I suppose that we can comfortably afford it and I'm always trying to encourage DH to go down to 4 days as well ( different day off though obviously!)

In your case the sad thing is that your DH doesn't seem to actually enjoy having DCs if he's so keen to offload them all the time to GPs, doesn't understand why they need to go to parties etc. and doesn't seem to provide any active parenting or indeed understand why your DCs might need it. If you do increase you days, you need to make it very clear to him that it means very few , if any ,childfree weekends as it's not fair on them to be in childcare most of the week and then not to see you at weekends.

You clearly can’t afford for you to WoH so little.

You should seek to work and earn more and he should do a fair share at home. The DC will be fine.

OP your problem is very 2017. I think the others have given you a reality check in regards to the luck of savings to buy a new washing machine, clothes for DCs, ...
An other reality is, that being financially independent is very important! Think national insurance, JSA (shuld you ever need it), retirement,... its not the 50's anymore: you as an individual have financial responsibility for yourself.
I hate the thought of a broken welfare system, with 1000's of women living in retirement poverty because they choose to be a SAHM. But this is a reality for our generation!

What about putting pressure on DH to earn more? Can he go for promotion?

Seriously? Can you imagine the reaction if a woman posted on MN saying that she was working FT and her DH, who only works 2 days a week, was refusing to up his hours whilst telling her she doesn't earn enough? The cries of "cocklodger" and "LTB" would be deafening!

Also, in many jobs/industries it's not actually that easy to to just "earn more". Since OP's DH is clearly anxious about their financial situation i'd be very surprised if he's choosing to struggle on his current wage when there are big pay rises, promotions etc. just there for the taking!

I also think OP is getting a hard time. Yes Dh might very well be stressed being sole financial provider however he's also getting a good deal barely doing any housework/wifework/childcare/scheduling juggling. £100 plus per month on alcohol for one person is also a lot if you are struggling financially.

OP have you gone on salary calculator or similar website (and gov website if you get any benefits inc ctc) to work out how much you would get more for 3/4/5 days of work? You might find when tax, ni, travel costs and childcare are all taken into account the amount you earn for doing 2 extra days is negligible.

Perhaps it would be a good idea for you and Dh to work out exactly how much more would be coming in (and going out) rather than him having unrealistic expectations?

“I'm sorry but "making memories" triggers my hmm response big time. You know that those of us who have to work full time do actually have memories of our children's childhood's and they do too?”

This.

When I worked 2 days a week whilst my DD was weeny it was because I'd worked out that if I earned any more it would all be swallowed up in childcare, so wasn't an enhancement to living standards. As soon as she started school, I went up to 4 days a week. She actually does goes to childcare more now than when she was small, dammit I'm missing out so much on making those precious memories aren't I. My increased salary pays for lots of activities and some lovely holidays though - do they count?

You come across badly IMO. Have you considered what lovely memories your kids are going to have of daddy being stressed about the household finances? And don't say they don't notice, because they do pick up on the feelings even if they don't know the reason.

you'd rather stay at home more being a Pinterest mum rather than ease the pressure of the household finances? Not fair on your family.

I currently work part time as working FT and paying for before and after school care and childcare costs in the holidays make FT work unprofitable. DH works long hours including some weekends and has absolutely no flexibility to help with school drop offs or pick ups or any emergencies and his hours mean that he can’t be there to share much of the household stuff. We have no family to rely on for help with childcare. If I didn’t have to pay for childcare and had family to help with holidays I would be full time without question. Hopefully when they are old enough to be latch key kids I will get back to work FT.

I liked working 4 days. I did all the sort of fun stuff I enjoyed doing with my kids on the fifth day and left all the messy play, finger painting etc to the outsourced childcare! Kids remember good stuff from me and from the nursery too. Win win.

Part time work is a luxury
That depends on circumstances. It sounds as though OP will be able to pay nursery fees and still gain financially if she does an extra day.
Our financial situation changed recently and I thought about going back FT (I'm PT) but my net gain would be so small, it wouldn't be worth it.

Financially it depends very much on salary (and how tax and NI contributions will change with salary increases/decreases) as well as childcare and commuting costs.

Immediate financial gain/loss isn’t the only consideration. There are also NI and pension contributions as well as future earning potential to consider.

And it’s not just finances, of course. There’s the parent’s mental health, self esteem, desire to work and/or spend more time doing childcare, etc.

I don’t think any option is “easy” or a “luxury” - it depends on the circumstances and preferences of those involved.

“DH works long hours including some weekends and has absolutely no flexibility to help with school drop offs or pick ups or any emergencies and his hours mean that he can’t be there to share much of the household stuff. “

That old chestnut. Strange that these “facilitated men” earn more than their wives eh.

*@dozer
I am not ‘facilitating’ anyone. That is his how his job is so me being PT is how we have decided to make it work for now. Somehow only on Planet MN everyone has FT jobs that allow flexible or home working that finish early so you can do school pick ups and ironing. If I waited until DH got home for him to make tea or help with kids homework then it would be a very late night for all.

I think OP has been given a hard time here. For some people it is incredibly important to be around for your children especially if they are pre-school and even in the infants. I disagree with the policy of making everyone into good little tax payers to afford to live in a country that is increasingly unaffordable. If you want to enjoy your children OP then do it as you will only get one chance to that. Cut back on the clubs to ease the burden a bit.
Oh and by the way I do work ft but only because mine are that bit older and I love my job.

OP's husband doesn't sound like the sort of guy to be wanting to work part time and the rest of his existence to be dominated by entertaining a toddler and school runs twice a day, lots of school holidays to be available for and constant housework and cooking. My husband would never have been any good as a part time househusband/stay at home dad. We had 2 in 14 months and being at home was definately more my thing so that is what we did. I worked in our business from home around the kids and it meant he was able to fully concentrate on building the business and earning money. We concentrated on what we were both good at and that in turn was what most benefitted us as a family. Instead of him constantly complaining about lack of money, maybe he could try and think of some ways that he could generate more??

In this case i feel the focus should be on financial safety and stability not ‘making memories’. Is your household generally happy, is your DH currently included in some of that fun you want to shower your kids with?

From the post you said you would have an extra £800 from working 4 days and you only need £400 extra why not go up to 3 days a week then for a bit extra. I completely understand why you don't want your 2 year old sat in childcare for 5 days a week. I wouldn't even want that for 3 days tbh. I worked 2 days a week until DC was in school then upped my hours. If you can get by untill DD goes to school then that's what I would do if you can.
Ignore posers calling you entitled and lazy....load of rubbish. Fair enough for people that have to work FT but who would have two parents working full time with young kids if they really didn't need or want to? If you enjoy being at home with your DC and you can then that's a good thing not something to be criticized.