My husband is obsessed with money - working full time?

[hidinginthenightgarden]

We have been skint for a long time. We do have the odd day out, drinks in the pub etc but we don't have anything left at the end of the month and if something breaks (like the washing machine this week!) it hits us hard as we have no savings. I currently work 2 days a week and DH works full time. He constantly goes on about "when I go back to work full time". I have said I don't want to work full time as we struggled with getting a good balance last time at home. Spending weekends cleaning and feel guilty any time we had someone watch DS instead of being home with him ourselves etc. Now DS is older and we have DD my focus is on making memories with them and making their lives full of fun. Yes this would be easier with more money but me being full time means the kids in childcare from 8-6 Monday to Friday (DS in school now so not totally unaffordable) and no time for afterschool activities, playdates, homework etc.
I have said I would happily work 3-4 days (3 we would be getting by just fine, 4 would give us some extra cash for saving) but not 5 yet he still goes on about how much money we will have when I am full time again. AIBU to say I don't think I will be going full time until the youngest is in juniors? We won't be struggling anymore once I take an extra day or two and I don't think the extra money is worth the cost of spending time with our kids.

Because rockingcloggs they will need wraparound care so will still be in childcare of some sort for 50 hours a week!
There is always the chance I will get a more flexible school hours job by the time the youngest is in school which allows me to do 5 days and get us all home more than an hour before packing the kids off to bed. as things stand however, I would like to be able to enjoy them whilst they are young. I WANT to do the school run occasionally, to meet the parents of the kids inviting my child to their house/parties. I want to be able to say yes when they ask if their friend can come for tea after school.
DH doesn't care about that kind of stuff. He doesn't go to the kids parties or encourage friendships outside of school/nursery. He doesn't feel guilty for spending little time with them. I do.
And I am not insinuating parents don't make memories when they work full time. We have tried full time with a child and didn't feel like we were enjoying him being small. I want the opportunity to do that this time around.

I think you would be reasonable to do 4 days a week.

I think you are getting harsher answers than strictly necessary because your posts have come off quite judgemental of mothers who work full time. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to maximise time with your children, but it sounds like you are doing less than the minimum you can afford now.

I really don't judge full time mother, I also don't judge sahm, but neither of those options are what I believe to be best for our family right now (or my sanity).
I have worked full time and it was miserable - if it works for others great.

I think a lot of parents would like to do all that OP, but like lots of others, you just can’t afford to.

The best solution would be to go up to three or four days now. You are struggling for money which is never any fun. I think full-time is hard going and having a day a week to catch up makes all the difference. But needs must sometimes. Your DH sounds sensible rather than money obsessed.

He spends about £25 a week on beer

Now that would piss me right off! He's spending £100 a month on beer when you're £400 a month short of what you need to be "comfortable"?

I'd be suggesting to him that another way of bridging the gap is to reduce outgoings and point out how easy it would be to reduce them by £100 a month at a stroke.

Maybe you should go through all your spending and see where you can cut back a bit. Replace your Sunday roasts with veggie options, and serve up a Jack Monroe dirt cheap recipe a couple of times a week. Get a car that's super cheap to run. If you can identify savings of £200 more a month, you've almost bridged that gap.

I think you just need to sit down with him, point out the figures (work out just how much more that 5th day a week would actually give when nursery, travel etc are taken off - I'd factor in a cleaner too) and come to a compromise. Which will probably be 4 days a week.

Show him a list of all the things that would be split 50/50 if you were both full time - nursery/school pick ups and drop offs, days off with ill children, housework, cooking, weekend childcare, all school stuff - remembering non uniform days, baking cakes etc. I'd also tell him that even if you just work 4 days, he would need to do a lot more than he does now.

Remind him that, as previously, you won't be wanting the kids to be away from you at weekends as that is the only time you'll get with them (and remind him how grumpy that made him). Tell him just how much he will need to step up. It sounds like he thinks that you'll have loads of extra cash with no change to his life (I may be wrong and he may be itching to get his hands on the hoover and washing up brush!).

Of course it is perfectly doable for 2 parents to work full time but, in my opinion for it to be a happy arrangement, it does require both parents to take responsibility for house and children. The decision needs to be made as a joint decision for the family.

Actually wombling, i meant that ALL childcarers, professional ones and otherwise, do phenomenal and priceless work. I also think that it is systemically undervalued by a misogynistic society. That’s brilliant for you that you find looking after two year olds easy, well done, but I find it phenomenally hard and challenging to do right, and judging by the number of threads started on here by mums of small children at the end of their tether, in despair, plus the number of dads who seem to complain at sole childcare, that other people find it difficult too.

I find my senior level, mba- educated, fannying around with excel job difficult but a piece of piss compared to wrestling two small children into a car/on the bus/round the supermarket and I know that I am not alone. My objection is to the language used equating this to ‘swanning around’.

Look, it’s really tough being the sole or main breadwinner. And whilst I know it is bloody hard work being at home with young children it’s also bloody hard work and stressful carrying the financial load to buy food and clothes and heating and stuff for four people whilst the other adult decides it’s more important to paint and bake etc

He’s asking and telling you he’s finding it hard without trying to tell you to work more. He hopes he can see what you see, which is that things are precarious, money wise. He’s worried and needs your help and is asking for help for the sake of the WHOLE family.

There is a middle ground. Go up to working 3 days now. Consider doing 4 in a years time but agree with your husband you will need some extra help doing things around the house. Get a cleaner who can help you even for just 2/3 hours as it WILL make a difference.

FWIW I was part time and now am full time. My dc loved their nursery and after school clubs now as basically they get to play with their friends. We do play dates with their friends when I’m able to work from home. I don’t spend my weekends doing activities which draw me away from my kids. I don’t spend evenings doing that either - I spend it with them. It’s quality time. I guess what I’m trying to say is full time working doesn’t mean you won’t see your kids again..... it’s not some barren land where your kids feel like orphans.... there’s loads of other time available.

Just to add: some people are truly gifted at looking after small children; one of them is looking after my small children right now so I can do some freelance work (mumsnet) HURRAH. I just feel that if I described her as currently ‘swanning around’ while I ‘worked my arse off’ would be massively disrespectful. But she admits she finds it easier than other jobs because she loves hanging out with small children. So yes, for some people it’s easier than for others. Just not for everyone by a country mile.

I totally agree with you mouse and FWIW I think your posts have been very clear.

Very good post RaspberryBeret

I see no issue with the OP wanting to work 4 days a week, I think it makes good sense.

It's not surprising they don't have savings if her DH is blowing 1300 a year on beer.

I really don't think an adult having £100 a month to spend on what they like is unreasonable. I certainly wouldn't be 'comfortable' without that amount of money at my disposal.

But I don't really see the issue anyway, the OP needs to take the opportunity to increase her hours but stay part time for now. Best of both worlds, more money and time at home with the DC.

THose saying part time is a luxury. How is this when for many the cost of childcare is more than they wohld be paid.
I work just under full time. I could increase to full time but if I did what I would earn would go out on nursery fees. How would this be a luxury?

I think the issue is that OP secretly doesn’t want to work four days a week. And is being very dismissive about her DH.

I don't mind him spending the money on beer - other than the health issue. He doesn't spend on anything else.

Everyone saying to "increase my hours now". Its not that easy. There have to be the hours available to increase. Fingers crossed that will happen in the new year and in the meantime I am hoping to do a few pub shifts to bridge the gap.
Thinking of what people have said about extra cost, we may struggle with holiday care with me working more but DH solution to that is always to ask his mum to do it so he won't see that as an issue.
I am going to stick with my 4 days. If we are still struggling after that with earning £45k between us then we need to think again about what we spend!

Two issues here

• you working (4 or 5 days a week). I think that’s reasonable when the other option is stress all the way because there is no savings to replace something like a dishwasher (that means you have les than £300 savings. What if the car breaks down, your DH can’t work anymore, or any other big spend that can come your way?) You not working is clearky a miserable place for him to be in.

• you working full time but your DH still not pulling his weight at home so you are in effect working 7 days a week. Which is miserable for you

Basically IMO you are both BU and NBU.
You need to work more, he needs to pull his weight at home and starts taking responsibilities at home too.
You BOTH need to recongnise that the other pov is totally valid and you BOTH need to make an effort there.

What about putting pressure on DH to earn more? - I'm trying to picture a scene where DH puts pressure on me to earn more in my full time job, while he is working 2 days because he wants to have fun with kids the rest of the time. I'm sure that conversation would be interesting.

Please please OP do insist that youR DH starts pulling his weight at home even if you go back 4 days a Week and not 5.
Dot just increase your hours and for him to still do very little so you have to slave away in the 5th day and at weekends.

Southeastdweller - My ideal would be 4 days but with half a day from home so I can still do the school run and make up the hours I miss in the evening. If I can't do this then no, I don't want to do 4 days. Doesn't mean I won't though.

Sorry I thought you had the opportunity to increase. As you say you have to wait till it comes up. But this is about compromise I think, pure and simple.

Why not ask for a full day at home if it's sensibly possible to WFH in your role?

^THose saying part time is a luxury. How is this when for many the cost of childcare is more than they wohld be paid.
I work just under full time. I could increase to full time but if I did what I would earn would go out on nursery fees. How would this be a luxury?^

Quite. This is the case for many women.

Well I'd have an issue with someone blowing over a grand a year on alcohol if we had no savings and not enough for a new washing machine.