My husband is obsessed with money - working full time?

[hidinginthenightgarden]

We have been skint for a long time. We do have the odd day out, drinks in the pub etc but we don't have anything left at the end of the month and if something breaks (like the washing machine this week!) it hits us hard as we have no savings. I currently work 2 days a week and DH works full time. He constantly goes on about "when I go back to work full time". I have said I don't want to work full time as we struggled with getting a good balance last time at home. Spending weekends cleaning and feel guilty any time we had someone watch DS instead of being home with him ourselves etc. Now DS is older and we have DD my focus is on making memories with them and making their lives full of fun. Yes this would be easier with more money but me being full time means the kids in childcare from 8-6 Monday to Friday (DS in school now so not totally unaffordable) and no time for afterschool activities, playdates, homework etc.
I have said I would happily work 3-4 days (3 we would be getting by just fine, 4 would give us some extra cash for saving) but not 5 yet he still goes on about how much money we will have when I am full time again. AIBU to say I don't think I will be going full time until the youngest is in juniors? We won't be struggling anymore once I take an extra day or two and I don't think the extra money is worth the cost of spending time with our kids.

I’ve had this child only to promptly hand over to strangers for the privilege of raising? Hell no

Well very few people remember anything that happened before they were 4

That doesn't really matter though does it in terms of childcare/early experiences and outcome. Otherwise you could just lock them in a crate alone until they turned 4.

...which you might as well do if you’re going to put them in childcare

hidinginthegarden I just wonder how much fear is talking when you avoid picking up more days' work.
I have exactly the same situation as you, had all the same fears but now that I am back in work (4 days, 1 from home but had to start at 5 to get back in the the game)..I am happier and more fulfilled and I'm contributing my fair share financially. Therefore, happier husband and happier kids.
The kids have each other at aftercare/breakfast club and they make memories together
It's the privelege of both parents to be around for the fun stuff where possible, not just you if money's short
I totally agree about outsourcing the cleaning if you have more ££ from extra days. Pick up a few more days, then save for a nice holiday, then you can really make memories

I’m with you. You can afford for you to work 3 days and that makes a good balance. Time with the kids is very very important.

You can always increase to 4 days with time.

Personally I’d tell DH that you’d only consider going full time if he did exactly 50% of the housework and cooking leaving weekends free.

Personally I’d tell DH that you’d only consider going full time if he did exactly 50% of the housework and cooking leaving weekends free

^^ ah now this goes without saying for me.

Not to mention 50% of organisation/ childcare during sickness etc....

I have had good memories with my parents, but some of my clearest memories were the bad ones about my parents' strained marriage because of money worries.

Those of us with older children know how irrelevant it is whether a parent stayed at home with them in the early years or not. It is almost indistinguishable whether there was a SAHP at home or not.

I feel that when someone wants to SAHP in the early years, it is more for the benefit of that parent, rather than the child's. That is an absolutely fine choice if the other parent is on board, but a selfish one if the other parent does not. But it is dressed up in all kinds of excuses.

It doesn't sound like you really like your DH very much.

It also sounds like you have really quite incompatible views on child-raising and probably on money.

And that your earning potential vastly exceeds his - if you earn £1600/month for 4 days that's about £28-30k pre tax - so your DH's salary is about £15-17k full time. That colours his view of what you can earn, his attitude to money, and I think explains much of your dismissive remarks about him.

I don't know what you're doing for a couple of evenings but it's unlikely to bring in anything close p/h to your professional job really. I think you need a big honest sit down with DH at the weekend when neither of you are too shattered. And thrash this stuff out.

I would do exactly the same thing as you, at exactly the same time as you and for exactly the same reasons.

I would read that my DH is uncomfortable with the main burden being on him/ everything being so precarious, rather than the absolute fact of having no savings (because he won’t stop until he gets to you going 5 days, when 4 days would ease your life enough).

Crikey £25 a week on beer. That’s £1300 a year. Ie a holiday. My dh likes whisky and was spending that sort of amount. I did the maths for him and he was pretty flabbergasted. He’s cut down.

And I agree with pps. Your dh isn’t obsessed with money, he’s feeling an almighty strain.

Issue is disagreement between parents, surely, rather than some kind of SAHM/ WOHM squabble?

Only solution is to sit down with your DH and talk it out. He might feel guilty asking you to do more OHM (because it will take you away from the children) and I’d try and be sensitive to that because whatever set up you end up with has to suit the whole family. It doesn’t sound like he’s anti SAHM, just feeling over burdened and stressed by the financials.

Good luck. I can see both sides - difficult one and hope you get it sorted.

@Luxanna the OP is saying they earn £45k between them. Her part time job doesn't bring in £45k

personally I’d tell DH that you’d only consider going full time if he did exactly 50% of the housework and cooking leaving weekends free

ah now this goes without saying for me.

Unfortunately it needs saying though because as so many threads demonstrate even when women work full time their husbands don’t pick up 50% of the housework.

OP what do you think will happen housework-wise? Knowing your husband?

@southeastdweller

YABVU here. And being selfish and entitled.

I think the issue is that OP secretly doesn’t want to work four days a week. And is being very dismissive about her DH

Have you actually read OP's posts properly? And how on earth do you know what OP secretly wants and doesn't want? And so what if she secretly doesn't want to work? Lots of people would prefer to stay home but can't afford to and so work. And so will OP.

It sounds like you're looking for an excuse to have a go at OP.

You're coming across as quite goady.

And sorry, they would earn £45k between them if she worked 4 days a week.

**I'd have left you, it would be that simple. There's no way I'd want somebody so selfish as a partner. Full time working parents make memories so that's a load of rubbish.

You'd rather make him work full time and watch him struggle financially than pull your weight. That speaks volumes**

^This._-

I did what I thought were fantastic 'memory making' things with my children. They are now grown up and can't remember most of those outings and activities when I mention them. Do some more days at work. It's the fair thing to do.

Make him work full time? Where is there any suggestion that the DH doesn't wish to work full time, that he hasn't chosen to do this himself? If anything, his previous desire for her to be a SAHP and his difficulty in splitting the housework loads 50/50 when OP was FT rather lean towards suggesting the opposite.

OhNo, I find it really hard to believe that OP's husband wouldn't have a problem with her working four days, and not going F/T, if she talks about it . The money difference would be small, when deductions have come out. But according to OP, her 'money obsessed' DH is so unreasonable that he wants her to work the five days. She's mentioned more than once about the importance of 'making memories' yet as I said upthread, how many nice memories does she think she'll be able to create by being at home just one day a week (she's apparently fine with working for days a week)?

You don't have to be Miss Marple to work out there's more to this than what the OP is telling us, as others have pointed out.

And that your earning potential vastly exceeds his - if you earn £1600/month for 4 days that's about £28-30k pre tax - so your DH's salary is about £15-17k full time.

Is this accurate, OP?