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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband is obsessed with money - working full time?

222 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 01/12/2017 07:41

We have been skint for a long time. We do have the odd day out, drinks in the pub etc but we don't have anything left at the end of the month and if something breaks (like the washing machine this week!) it hits us hard as we have no savings. I currently work 2 days a week and DH works full time. He constantly goes on about "when I go back to work full time". I have said I don't want to work full time as we struggled with getting a good balance last time at home. Spending weekends cleaning and feel guilty any time we had someone watch DS instead of being home with him ourselves etc. Now DS is older and we have DD my focus is on making memories with them and making their lives full of fun. Yes this would be easier with more money but me being full time means the kids in childcare from 8-6 Monday to Friday (DS in school now so not totally unaffordable) and no time for afterschool activities, playdates, homework etc.
I have said I would happily work 3-4 days (3 we would be getting by just fine, 4 would give us some extra cash for saving) but not 5 yet he still goes on about how much money we will have when I am full time again. AIBU to say I don't think I will be going full time until the youngest is in juniors? We won't be struggling anymore once I take an extra day or two and I don't think the extra money is worth the cost of spending time with our kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 01/12/2017 11:10

Raging, I am sure he will help more if I do more days. When both were full time he did a lot more, not quite 50/50 but still pulled his weight. It's just that he has got so used to me doing everything in the last year that he just allows mess to accumulate. DD is forever emptying boxes and he never stops her or tidies it up even on a weekend. He will do the dishwasher at the weekend but I don't think he has cleaned the bathroom other than the toilet and shower drain since we moved into this house 5 years ago. That is the sort of stuff that just never got done when I worked full time.

OP posts:
Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 01/12/2017 11:12

It isn't a desk job so I can justify doing some of the paperwork side of it from home but I need to be able to allocate time to being out and about in the service so a day at home is too restrictive.

OP posts:
MorningstarMoon · 01/12/2017 11:13

YABU unreasonable to say your DH is obsessed with money. He's probably obsessed with making sure you have enough money so when things like your washing machine breaks you can go and fix it or replace it without worry. Stop blaming DH!

RidingWindhorses · 01/12/2017 11:14

Well show him his cleaning rota for when you work full time, that might make him a bit more philosophic.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 01/12/2017 11:15

Well I'd have an issue with someone blowing over a grand a year on alcohol if we had no savings and not enough for a new washing machine.

But it isn't just about alcohol is it? It could be coffees in starbucks, new clothes, petrol for unnecessary journeys, going out for dinner. If you can't afford a washing machine plus 25 quid a week for each adult to spend then you aren't comfortably off.

In times of dire financial straights then yes, you need to stop spending any unnecessary money. But that isn't being comfortable by most people's definition.

RidingWindhorses · 01/12/2017 11:16

If he was that obsessed he could stop downing so much beer.

RidingWindhorses · 01/12/2017 11:20

I agree middleaged my post was in response to the OP saying she had no issue with his drinking.

somanyusernames · 01/12/2017 11:27

it sounds like you're already on the way to solving this - your DH feels skint but you have a 2 year old which is the most expensive childcare, once you get the free hours at 3 and your upped work hours have kicked in, you'll all feel better.

YANBU not to both want to work FT if you don't have to, he is NBU to want more money coming in.

Don't really get why you posted, neither of you is really being totally U and sounds like you've solved it? Ask him how he feels when you've been doing the extra hours for a few months.

Under 3 is a total slog because childcare eats so much money. You're nearly there!

We both work FT, DP works a lot more than normal FT hours, I do extra hours too, it's not desirable imo.

yellowutka · 01/12/2017 11:31

Yanbu, if you feel it's better for your kids, that's fair enough, and just as important as your DH's wish for more of a financial comfort zone. Nobody is wrong here, it's just that priorities differ. If it's not just the money but the balance that's getting to him, in an ideal world you could both go to 4 days a week, but it's not often that easy.

TheFickleFingerOfFate · 01/12/2017 11:34

Your husband is not obsessed with making money. Your husband is struggling to keep a roof over his family's head and is needing help to take a little of the financial pressure off him. There are plenty memories to be made by mums who work full-time, and a lot of good socialisation to be picked up by children in nurseries. Go to work at least 4 days and take a bit of the weight your husband has been carrying.

yummymummylaura · 01/12/2017 11:34

I completely understand where you're coming from and I know how difficult it can be. I struggled with a similar situation myself a few years back, but as long as you keep communicating with each other and work through the issue it will be fine. You could try this course to help you find a better work-life balance. It really helped my sister out when she was having a difficult time juggling work and home life stress

minipie · 01/12/2017 11:35

Well there's two issues here:

  1. should you up your hours to 3 or 4 days to have a bit more money coming in - seems pretty clear the answer is Yes as you simply do not have enough money at the moment.

  2. should you go full time before DC2 is at school - that is less clear. Depends whether the family can be reasonably financially comfortable (as in, cover bills and have a bit of a cushion for savings/emergencies) with you working 3/4 days. If so - then there is a lot of value in you having 1 or 2 days at home to do housework, admin etc - arguably more value than extra income if you are already able to cover your needs. If not - then full time is the better option.

Oblomov17 · 01/12/2017 11:43

I'm surprised so many people are criticising the OP, when she's got a 2 year old.

Childcare costs are huge. Even for Ds2, who is in the later stages of primary, trying to find childcare, is a right pain. irrespective of cost, for Xmas, and the last few weeks of August, there seems to be none available.

Many people would choose to work part time, say 3 days, if they could afford it.

I wonder what job (irrespective of the extra 2 nights, she's just taken) her Dh would like her to get, for this ideal 4 day job that so many posters talk of....

IslingtonLou · 01/12/2017 11:43

Sorry OP but you clearly can’t afford to be ‘making memories’ or being a ‘full time mum’ (what are working mothers then lol)

It’s not being obsessed with money. You can’t afford the basic things of life because you have no contingency money - the washing machine drama has probably stressed your husband out about finanaces as he’s the main earner and you can’t support the whole family on just his wage. If you could he wouldn’t care about your side of the income.

NameChange30 · 01/12/2017 11:49

“I really don't think an adult having £100 a month to spend on what they like is unreasonable.”

It is unreasonable if you can’t afford it. It all depends on family finances. When money is tight people can’t always afford £200/month for treats and luxuries (which is what it adds up to if two adults are spending £25/week each).

notangelinajolie · 01/12/2017 11:49

I agree with you OP - money isn't everything. I was a SAHM but had the support of my DH and we both believed that it was better for our family if I was the one who did all the childcare. Most times we were skint but it was our choice together.

And although you are happy to live this way it sounds like this is not the lifestyle your DH wants.

If you want to keep him happy I think you are going to have to give in to him and go back to work full time. He will resent you if you don't.

Luxanna · 01/12/2017 11:50

I am going to stick with my 4 days. If we are still struggling after that with earning £45k between us then we need to think again about what we spend!

Has nobody noticed the 4 days means £45k in earnings bit.

Does your DH realise how many people get by on half of that. My word, your mortgage or rent must be astronomical (for £45k - £10.4k for the extra 2 days from your second job you're about to start doing) to not be enough to buy a 250 washing machine.

Hardly minimum wage is it?

somanyusernames · 01/12/2017 11:55

i don't really get why you'd advise op to jump from 2 days per week back to FT on the basis that a washing machine broke in fact when the 3/4 days pw middle ground hasn't been tried.

Similarly, i can't blame the DH for wanting a lifestyle that doesn't involve fretting over every penny.

strawberrypenguin · 01/12/2017 11:57

YABU your DH isn’t obsessed with money - he’s telling you he’s worried and you can’t afford the lifestyle you currently have.

You should listen and pick up some more days at work. Those of us who work do actually manage to see our children you know it just needs you to balance things a bit more.

prismWitch · 01/12/2017 12:01

I don't think that your DH is being unreasonable. I think that he is really worried about the financial situation that you are currently in and cannot find a way out of it. Wages do not grow very fast now, but it seems that utility bills always find a way to rise. Starting 4 days a week is a good way to make him feel more secure and maybe you will not need to go back 5 days a week.

There is no point of doing the whole 'I need to be at home dance here'. You want to be at home with your kids and there is no shame in that.

Being with kids at home is not for everybody. I was one of the people who was going bonkers at home and come back to work very quick. However I really put my hat down to people that can stay home and provide good environment for learning and play for their kids.

I would not do finger painting, playdooh, gluing, foam play and other things that nursery staff does for my little one. I am grateful for it and I love seeing how my baby interacts with other kids.

Must admit that it made me laugh how so many people waive the 'he needs to do his part of the choirs then' bandwagon. I don't think he doesn't know about it. From what I gathered here, he was ok with OP staying at home, until current situation. I would maybe ask him what is the real state of your finances? Maybe he tries to hide something from you to protect you?

prismWitch · 01/12/2017 12:06

Also I would ask him what is happening at his work. Could it be that there is a redundancy scare, but he doesn't want to tell you so you do not worry?

VimFuego101 · 01/12/2017 12:06

If you don't have an emergency fund then I'd say you can't afford to work PT. I am 36 and while I'd love to work PT, I have no idea what's around the corner in terms of health issues/ recession/ job loss - so I think we need to work FT and focus on pensions and an emergency fund, while we can. He needs to pull his weight around the house, though.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/12/2017 12:16

Surely you need to work FT ? I mean making memories is all well and good but what about savubgs and pensions and all that boring shit

I am with him actuallly and if he promises to carry the burden equally I would go back for more days if you can .

Yes read that pension thread Grin

prismWitch · 01/12/2017 12:34

What pension thread? I'm intrigued :>

TeachesOfPeaches · 01/12/2017 12:40

Lots of people become obsessed with money when they don't have any. Obsessed as in - how will I keep a roof over my head? How will I put food on the table? Etc.

Your husband could lose his job at anytime and you have no savings. What happens if your boiler packs up now as well?

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