My husband is obsessed with money - working full time?

[hidinginthenightgarden]

We have been skint for a long time. We do have the odd day out, drinks in the pub etc but we don't have anything left at the end of the month and if something breaks (like the washing machine this week!) it hits us hard as we have no savings. I currently work 2 days a week and DH works full time. He constantly goes on about "when I go back to work full time". I have said I don't want to work full time as we struggled with getting a good balance last time at home. Spending weekends cleaning and feel guilty any time we had someone watch DS instead of being home with him ourselves etc. Now DS is older and we have DD my focus is on making memories with them and making their lives full of fun. Yes this would be easier with more money but me being full time means the kids in childcare from 8-6 Monday to Friday (DS in school now so not totally unaffordable) and no time for afterschool activities, playdates, homework etc.
I have said I would happily work 3-4 days (3 we would be getting by just fine, 4 would give us some extra cash for saving) but not 5 yet he still goes on about how much money we will have when I am full time again. AIBU to say I don't think I will be going full time until the youngest is in juniors? We won't be struggling anymore once I take an extra day or two and I don't think the extra money is worth the cost of spending time with our kids.

So do four days for now - there's the solution. That's nearly FT anyway.

I get what you mean about making memories, again not sure why people are getting so agitated with your expression.

Because it's naff and implies that a) those that work full time don't 'make memories' and that it is something that only mother's do. What about DC being able to 'make memories' with their Dad?

DH said two was enough and if we could afford it he would prefer me not to work

But you can't afford it anymore. So he's saying you need to increase your hours or find a job with more hours. You can't expect him to carry the financial burden and only work two days a week when you can't afford to replace a necessary household appliance when it breaks.

Lots of parents don't want to put their children in childcare but they still do it because "making memories" at home doesn't pay the rent. If your DH lost his job or got injured/sick and couldn't work you would be absolutely screwed as a family. The least you can do is up your hours (or look for a new job) so that, as a family, you have more savings and a fund just in case something goes wrong.

If yoir struggling financially then u need to up to 3 days a week now if thats gojg to mean your not struggling.

It's a bug burden being the main earner. I was he sole earner for a few years and it's really stressful

Just reread. I'd take the 4 days. It's a good compromise imo

Why not do some number crunching and see what the financial difference would be between you working the 4 days you're willing to do and the 5 days he wants you to do? Don't forget to factor in fares/petrol and any other work-related expenses.

You may find that the extra money from the 5th day isn't all that great once you've taken off tax, NI, pension etc.

Deepest darkest I have said I will do another 2 days - just not full time!
I am hopefully starting a new job next week two evenings a week on top of what I do now. That will cover the bills and we will be fine, just not well off enough to go abroad every year.
We need an extra £400 a month to be comfortable. Me working4 days gives us an extra £800 a month. DH wants more at the expense of the kids sitting in someone else's care.
DS was full time in nursery before we had DD and I hated it. I felt so guilty that his days were so long and he spent more time with them than us. DH was always moody because I wouldn't let DS stay at his grans at the weekend because I never saw him during the week. We had little time together.

Op, you seem to be softening your stance from your original objectionable op and throwing your husband under the bus, which to be fair a lot of posters do when told they are unreasonable.

You can’t afford to stay home on two days a week, I am doubting your husband will have an issue over four days v five, and although you’re turning it into that, I don’t think that’s what’s really going on.

So when the opportunity presents itself go to your four days.

Increasingmiddleage I am trying to do 4 days - it is my employers decision not mine!
The point is that to DH this isn't enough. He wants me to do full time by this time next year when DD is 3. I don't want her in nursery 50 hours a week when we don't NEED to. 4 days we need. 5 we don't.

No Bluntness, this is what I said in my OP

I have said I would happily work 3-4 days (3 we would be getting by just fine, 4 would give us some extra cash for saving) but not 5 yet he still goes on about how much money we will have when I am full time again.

This is what I still say. DH doesn't ever stop going on about how much money we will have e.g last night "When DD gets 30 free hours and you go full time we will have loads of money leftover".

Just see how you go on with the two evenings in the second job.
You would be saving the money so would spend on childcare, so it might make good sense financially until the kids are a bit older.
Also, is there any way that you could cut down on things so you could maybe have, even just £30\40 per month going in an emergency fund?
Hope it all works out for you!

You would spend on childcare

Thanks itsonkyme.
We could definitely save money if we tried harder. DH says he is giving up drinking in the new year. He spends about £25 a week on beer so that will definitely help. I don't really drink anymore but have really cut back on spending casually throughout the week.

Have you be done all the sums to calculate the childcare, holiday care, travel costs and every single detail? Unless you earn very well it often costs more to work than not.

Family of mine have been paying for dsil to work for the past 3 years. It gets to pay eventually now she is 3 and gets the free nursery hours.

I do all the rest of the housework. Every bit.

I don't think this is unreasonable when you are at home five days a week to his two.

DH said two was enough and if we could afford it he would prefer me not to work
Fair enough but isn’t it an ongoing discussion if its working or not ? Also I think it’s a huge pressure on him to “support “ you which u seem to take for granted that he just should

You can’t afford to stay home on two days a week, I am doubting your husband will have an issue over four days v five, and although you’re turning it into that, I don’t think that’s what’s really going on.

I agree. What I find odd is that you say you ‘happily’ can do four days a week but also say your ‘focus is on making memories and having fun’. Do you really think that you being at home one day a week can create so much memories and fun?

Ballencing the books is primary. And if you need to work more to do it then that is one of them. As long DH knows that if you are working more days he'll have to taken on more house work. Deffinitatly if you could find some more ways to make savings on your normal spends that would help.

I know from a personal point of view like your DH I'm am obsessed with finances. I grew up poor and we lost our house as a kid. So ballencing the books, keeping out of debt and having financial safety net is something I take really seriously.

“DH was always moody because I wouldn't let DS stay at his grans at the weekend because I never saw him during the week.”

Always moody? Nice.
I don’t see why he thinks it’s ok to spend £100/month on alcohol when you can’t afford to replace the washing machine.
It sounds sensible for you to go up to 4 days a week. I think you should just do that now and not worry or argue about the future.
But when you go up to 4 days, he needs to do much more childcare and housework. They are things that need doing all week long and not just on your day at home with the DCs.

I was also the sole earner and the financial responsibly for your family does weigh big on your mind.

I think you're moving the goal posts from your original post.

If you are happy to do 4 days start to do four days, i think your husbands objection is that he is saying you need to work more and you are saying you won't do 4 days without telling him you would be happy to do 4 days. Seems a little disingenuous.

Sorry, while I agree with many points that pp are saying could we stop all this sexist bollocks about poor old DH working his arse off and and OP ‘swanning around’? What fantasy land is this? I work (part time ) for a corp in a challenging industry on a big complex infrastructure job - I personally, and I realise others must differ, have known myself to physically hold the desk one day while muttering ‘thank god thank god thank god’ before wandering off to a five hour meeting about interfaces where I make interested faces and make occasional comments to which everyone listens respectfully and makes supportive noises and there is FREE COFFEE and I can wear CLEAN NICE GROWN UP CLOTHES and GO TO THE LOO WHEN I LIKE. I know the sahm vs wohm debate is frequent, but when pp like here go on about OP ‘swanning about’ with her 2 year old, it not only disrespects her, but also all the childminders, nursery staff, nannies, au pairs, pre school teachers and implies their priceless, phenomenal work is easy and undemanding. I have taken some time out because I felt that our pre-kids careers could not facilitate decent lives for our children at this key stage of their development but my God, am I relieved to be back in the game. Others clearly disagree but care of small children, while obviously rewarding, can be challenging, frustrating, repetitive, monotonous, people don’t respect it, society doesn’t respect it, etc etc etc. Plus you can’t skive off and mumsnet for a bit like right now or everyone will tut at you like .

OP, in the particular scenario where you’ve already said you’ll work 4 days, and already do most of domestic load, and presumably DH is not down particularly gruesome mine or similar, YANBU. But yes you need to save for emergency fund.

You said in your initial post you would go back full time when your youngest is at Juniors. Why not infants? They're there for the same number of hours. That way you can do your 4 days that you plan on for the next 3-ish years and move up to full time when she/he hits reception class. You compromising and 3 years isn't too long for him to wait. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want you increase your hours, I don't think you're unreasonable to not want children in childcare other than school for so long if you don't have to.

What I object to is you insinuating that children don't have memories (good ones) if their parents work full time! I can assure that mine does!

It sounds very precarious. If you earn an extra £800 a month, how much will go in savings and how much would be absorbed by living now comfortably?

Having no buffer zone for bad luck would make me nervous and I think I'd go full time. Making memories sounds good unless those memories are sat outside a council office needing shelter.

Oh for crying out loud @mousemoose, I didn’t understand most of your post, but “making memories” with a 2 year old is not hard fucking work. It is not “priceless and phenomenal” for goodness sake, it’s just being a parent. You can be a parent as a job or you can fit it around a paid job, but it’s really not as big a deal as people try and make it out to be.