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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband is obsessed with money - working full time?

222 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 01/12/2017 07:41

We have been skint for a long time. We do have the odd day out, drinks in the pub etc but we don't have anything left at the end of the month and if something breaks (like the washing machine this week!) it hits us hard as we have no savings. I currently work 2 days a week and DH works full time. He constantly goes on about "when I go back to work full time". I have said I don't want to work full time as we struggled with getting a good balance last time at home. Spending weekends cleaning and feel guilty any time we had someone watch DS instead of being home with him ourselves etc. Now DS is older and we have DD my focus is on making memories with them and making their lives full of fun. Yes this would be easier with more money but me being full time means the kids in childcare from 8-6 Monday to Friday (DS in school now so not totally unaffordable) and no time for afterschool activities, playdates, homework etc.
I have said I would happily work 3-4 days (3 we would be getting by just fine, 4 would give us some extra cash for saving) but not 5 yet he still goes on about how much money we will have when I am full time again. AIBU to say I don't think I will be going full time until the youngest is in juniors? We won't be struggling anymore once I take an extra day or two and I don't think the extra money is worth the cost of spending time with our kids.

OP posts:
dunraven · 01/12/2017 08:14

How about looking for some seasonal weekend retail work or evening work to increase your household income without additional childcare costs.

GertrudeBelle · 01/12/2017 08:14

This reply has been deleted

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LizzieSiddal · 01/12/2017 08:15

If you are struggling and have no savings, you should be aiming to work at least 3 days. I don't blame you for not wanting to work fulltime though. Not if you're doing all the housework at the weekends.

Huppopapa · 01/12/2017 08:16

I work FT but manage to arrange playdates and sleepovers!!. And my children don't appear to be wanting in 'memories' which, in any event, are not gender specific. Your post seems to suggest that priority should be given to Mummy-memories while Daddy-memories or family-memories can go hang. If you had more money, you would be able to spend more time together as a family on weekday evenings or holidays. You could even get a cleaner!

(I can't help wondering how the washing-machine conversation went.

"Honey, the washing-machine's fukt"
"We have no money to replace it"
"Well sweety-pie, I'll just go and make some memories while you work out how to afford it without me lifting a finger."

DH cries into beer that doesn't exist as they can't afford it )

I'm afraid I agree with the weight of opinion UT. YABU and to suggest or even think that your DH is 'obsessed with money' is hurtful, unkind and VVVU indeed.

Gazelda · 01/12/2017 08:18

What about you getting a weekend or evening job? Give DH chance to make memories with the children while you work.

SaucyJack · 01/12/2017 08:20

If you can't afford the basics such as repairing the washing machine, then yeah- you probably do need to work an extra day or so.

Some of these responses are depressing as Hell tho. You're calling a parent lazy and selfish because they don't want to put their child into full-time nursery? Really? Is this what 21st century life has come to mean?

Temporaryanonymity · 01/12/2017 08:22

Well needs must....

ImAMarshmellow · 01/12/2017 08:25

It sounds like he is more concerned that you can't afford things with the income you both have. Especially with Christmas.

He may feel under pressure to get additional overtime etc.

If your wanting to wait till both kids are I. Juniors is that when there 7? So what another 5 years of struggling because you want to do finger painting?

If you can't afford to repair a washing machine you either need to significantly cut back on your expenditure or start working.

Being a stahm is fine if you can afford to, if you can't it's irresponsible and the only memories your kids have will be the balifs knocking on the door.

e1y1 · 01/12/2017 08:25

I'm sorry but "making memories" triggers my hmm response big time

Couldn’t agree with this more, it makes my stomach curdle.

However, can see it from bothsides, you being in work full time would mean childcare naturally, however, if you can’/unwilling to bring in more money, you can’t criticise your DH feelings towards money.

deepestdarkestperu · 01/12/2017 08:26

It is selfish when as a family they can't afford to fix the washing machine and have bugger all in the way of savings.

What if her husband decided he only wanted to work part-time too? Who would pay the bills then? Working part-time only works when it's affordable and the full-time worker is happy to carry the financial strain.

The OP and her partner are clearly struggling financially if they can't afford to fix a broken appliance. Why on earth shouldn't she up her hours and contribute to alleviating that struggle? She says they can afford childcare and they'll still have more spare money than they do now, so surely it's a win for everyone?

There's nothing wrong with putting your child in childcare so you can go out and earn the money you need to survive!

TinyTear · 01/12/2017 08:27

So you don't even have savings to fix the washing machine and you want to make memories?
How about the memories of going to the launderette?

My nearly 6 yo yesterday from the bus pointed out a random bench and said "we had an ice cream there once" - she was 2 when that happened. That is making memories, not artificial orchestrated ones...

And I work full time and we have plenty of memories... and the real ones are the important ones.
Not like going to the Zoo and when asking what was the best bit being told "buying a cuddly toy in the shop"

WinnieFosterTether · 01/12/2017 08:29

How old is your youngest? If she's months old and you're still recovering from pregnancy/labour then I think it's fine to say you're not ready to go back to work full-time.
However, your family are struggling to pay for essentials so I think you need to work out how you can contribute.
When DS was tiny, I worked from home as a consultant with clients in different time zones so I could work when DS was asleep. My DSIL set up a home-based business. It's not impossible to work round children. It is unfair to ask your DH to carry the financial burden for your entire family.

swimster01 · 01/12/2017 08:29

Haven't read through all the posts but I think you should do what is best for your family overall, not just for one family member. I've worked part-time and full-time and neither has had a detrimental impact upon our family. Working full-time has been slightly more advantageous as there is more money around and I no longer cram a full time job into part time hours. But we weren't skint with either option - if working full time means extra family fun and less worries about money, I would work full time

IceFall · 01/12/2017 08:29

I think you’re being U - as long as your DH does his fair share of house/life/child stuff then you would be a much more financially stable family if you worked FT.

It sounds pretty lazy TBH to prioritise ‘making memories’ and having a nice easy fun time at home when your husband carries all the work and ficnancial stress.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 01/12/2017 08:30

Dh and I both work full time. We do equal housework and cooking but I do more of the admin and shopping, he does the diy. What helps is that we both have 2 days wfh so one of us is often at home. Is that an option for you op? We have 3 dc and we manage. Things are tight financially despite us working full time. I'd love to go part time but it's just not possible. In fact I've been working a relentless new job since June for extra money but now hoping to go back to regular job for sake of family life.

Tbh my Lidl shop is getting more expensive, Xmas gifts for family friends and in -laws is £800 I have nno choice but to work hard and it sounds like you need to as well.

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 01/12/2017 08:31

I am starting an evening job two days a week next week to earn more money for us. I am not saying I don’t want to work I am saying that I don’t want my kids to be in childcare 50 hours a week. I don’t think that is unreasonable.
Right now DH puts the bins out once a week and sorts finances. I do all the rest of the housework. Every bit. I think eventually he will chip in but it will take a while for him to get back into doing housework 50:50.
As I said, 4 days a week would have us with plenty of money with some for saving.
If DH could go part time I would be more Han happy for that but his company won’t allow it.

OP posts:
Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 01/12/2017 08:31

ANd the kids are 5 and 2.

OP posts:
NewtsSuitcase · 01/12/2017 08:32

Part time working is a luxury. You can't afford it. YABU

Butterfr33 · 01/12/2017 08:32

How old are you children?

HistoryMad · 01/12/2017 08:33

I understand where you are coming from OP, and personally I would forgo luxuries for spending time with my children. So I'm probably more with you on this. BUT if you need to work an extra day or two to make ends meet I think you are being unreasonably not to. There is a huge difference between making ends meet and working for luxuries.

I personally do not like my children being in full time care of other people 7 to 6 Monday to Friday. I'd much rather they spent as much time as possible with DH or me, rather than outsource their care. You are not being unreasonable at all to want that, and to believe that is a preferable anf better choice for your children. However, this should not cause you to get into debt or struggle with the very basics.

NewtsSuitcase · 01/12/2017 08:33

Yes but you do the rest of the housework because you're currently at home and he's working full time

HistoryMad · 01/12/2017 08:34

Sorry OP I didn't read your second post. I am with you. I admire you for making your kids a priority over luxury purchases and holidays.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 01/12/2017 08:35

I'm with your DH, I'd hate to live hand to mouth.

Once the DC are at school then being part time per se doesn't help that much anyway. I work FT but take some Parental leave to get extra time off in the holidays. Someone will point out that PL isn't paid which is true but overall I'm paid a lot more than working PT even 4 days.

The biggest thing is he needs to take equal responsibility for everything, including home management, drop offs etc.

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 01/12/2017 08:35

It’s not that we can’t repair the machine by the way. It’s totally knackered and a new one is £250.

OP posts:
Increasinglymiddleaged · 01/12/2017 08:37

I admire you for making your kids a priority over luxury purchases and holidays.

It isn't about that, it's about financial security which they don't have. You can't live on fresh air. If DH lost his job they'd probably be homeless and quickly.