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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband is obsessed with money - working full time?

222 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 01/12/2017 07:41

We have been skint for a long time. We do have the odd day out, drinks in the pub etc but we don't have anything left at the end of the month and if something breaks (like the washing machine this week!) it hits us hard as we have no savings. I currently work 2 days a week and DH works full time. He constantly goes on about "when I go back to work full time". I have said I don't want to work full time as we struggled with getting a good balance last time at home. Spending weekends cleaning and feel guilty any time we had someone watch DS instead of being home with him ourselves etc. Now DS is older and we have DD my focus is on making memories with them and making their lives full of fun. Yes this would be easier with more money but me being full time means the kids in childcare from 8-6 Monday to Friday (DS in school now so not totally unaffordable) and no time for afterschool activities, playdates, homework etc.
I have said I would happily work 3-4 days (3 we would be getting by just fine, 4 would give us some extra cash for saving) but not 5 yet he still goes on about how much money we will have when I am full time again. AIBU to say I don't think I will be going full time until the youngest is in juniors? We won't be struggling anymore once I take an extra day or two and I don't think the extra money is worth the cost of spending time with our kids.

OP posts:
TinyTear · 01/12/2017 08:37

£250 is cheap for a machine. Are you saying you don't have even £500 in savings and you work part time?

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 01/12/2017 08:37

I don’t think people are reading properly. I am willing to work extra days to bring in extra money but not 5 days a week whilst my kids sit in childcare. 4 days will be more ham enough money bug DH wants more.

OP posts:
LunasSpectreSpecs · 01/12/2017 08:38

making your kids a priority over luxury purchases and holidays

On what planet is having a small amount of savings to be able to deal with a crisis like a washing machine breaking a "luxury purchase"?

notapizzaeater · 01/12/2017 08:38

He needs to step up and do more but so do you. Sahm/ PT working is fine when you can afford it, but you can’t

Ifartrainbowsandglitter · 01/12/2017 08:38

Your husband is not obsessed with money. He is trying to tell you that you don’t have enough. Maybe you should do the finances jointly rather than just leave it to him. Seems a bit like head in the sand from you about your financial situation. He is probably worried about affording Christmas etc. I think YABU.

TinyTear · 01/12/2017 08:38

*I admire you for making your kids a priority over luxury purchases and holidays.

It isn't about that, it's about financial security which they don't have. You can't live on fresh air. If DH lost his job they'd probably be homeless and quickly.*

yes, a washing machine isn't a luxury purchase...

And in addition to my comment above, I know many people don't have savings or a way to get them, but the OP works 2 days a week... she can increase that to build these savings...

Butterfr33 · 01/12/2017 08:38

How old are your children?

LunasSpectreSpecs · 01/12/2017 08:39

I don't want, I don't want, I want to make memories, I want, I want.

Unfortunately what you WANT is not important as what the family NEEDS, which is more income.

Jasminedes · 01/12/2017 08:41

I guess its role strain - just as the person who is taking on more of the home responsibilities wants their partner to do more chores, so the person earning the main wage fantasises about their partner doing more breadwinning. When family resources are tight (money or time) and we feel under pressure I guess it comes out like this. But your idea to increase hours but not to full time sounds like a good compromise, unless he wants to do more at home and drop hours, in which case you have some conversations about it.

WomblingThree · 01/12/2017 08:41

So what would you say OP if your husband decided he wanted to stay home and “make memories” (🤢). You expect to work as and when you feel like it while he works full time, so why shouldn’t it work both ways?

If you can’t afford childcare, then find a full time job that works around your husband’s hours. That’s what we did, and it meant there was no resentment. If he works 40 hours a week, that still leaves 128 hours free for you to work.

LoislovesStewie · 01/12/2017 08:42

Well I had to work full time even when my kids were tiny; I just felt that it was part of modern life that 2 incomes were necessary to pay for everything , including washing machines. So personally I would say yes work full time BUT he has to do 50/50 on housework.

RemainOptimistic · 01/12/2017 08:43

Love the idea that the OP working ft is magically going to bring in a life changing amount of money! If I worked 4 days not 3 I would actually bring home LESS money each week due to tax bands and childcare costs. If I worked 5 days it would be another £15 per week earned. Plus all the added burden of squeezing housework and meal prep into 2 days. No thanks!!

I think a lot of people are missing the point here. DC are little for such a short time in the grand scheme of things. Why on earth shouldn't a parent prioritise spending time with DC? So what if things are tight financially. So long as things are ticking along and everyone's fed and clothed what does it matter.

I bet OP's DH would change his mind about wanting OP to work FT if then at weekends he was forced to do 50/50 housework and child care etc.

What about putting pressure on DH to earn more? Can he go for promotion? It's not just OP's responsibility to earn more.

Adamsmom · 01/12/2017 08:43

I think people are being too harsh with the OP. Children are only little for so long and completely agree where you're coming from. I worked FT for a while and completely regretted it only seeing my son 2 hours a week and being physically and mentally drained on most weekends to do anything worthwhile. Of course it means sacrificing holidays and 'nice things' but again they're only little for so long.
I get what you mean about making memories, again not sure why people are getting so agitated with your expression.
See if you can compromise and work just enough to provide you with a safety net each month and see if DH is willing to help out with housework more.
You haven't ruled out FT work completely so no, YANBU

HistoryMad · 01/12/2017 08:44

@RemainOptimistic excellent post!

WomblingThree · 01/12/2017 08:45

@HistoryMad WTAF? Do couples who both work full time to keep a roof over their kids’ heads and food on the table not prioritise their children then? A bloody washing machine is neither a luxury purchase nor comparable to a holiday.

mogonfoxnight · 01/12/2017 08:46

I think some of the posters are being really unfair to you and missing the AIBU and that you have already said you are going to take more days and not be struggling: AIBU to say I don't think I will be going full time until the youngest is in juniors? We won't be struggling anymore once I take an extra day or two and I don't think the extra money is worth the cost of spending time with our kids

I wondered if you were saying that your DH had different priorities, a different idea of what "enough money" means, because if so that makes the conversation a lot harder.

If not, and it is more about money worries, then I think if you talk with him about a firm plan, when you would prefer to go back with more days, when you would prefer to go back full time, and about your dc's specific needs, and see what he thinks, and talk about pensions, so that it is all agreed, then you will both know where you stand.

wasthataburp · 01/12/2017 08:46

Most people don't want to work full time but they have to for the money! If you are skint and don't have money for emergencies or washing machine breaking then you clearly need to make more money. Simple as that

WomblingThree · 01/12/2017 08:48

Yes @RemainOptimistic, emphasis on a parent though, not a mother. It’s the default idea that a woman should have the right to swan around “making memories” while her husband works his arse off and chases promotion to pay for those memories 🙄.

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2017 08:52

“Making memories” my arse. Why arent you already at four days, you know you can’t afford to stay home and you know your family are at the edge financially. So instead of sitting posting on mumsnet, go get it sorted.

HousefulOfBoysAndMe · 01/12/2017 08:54

You need to sit down and speak to your dh about everything. Do a joint budget, work out how much money you need to live more comfortably and then think about hours/days of work for both of you.

Personally I understand you not wanting to work full time op. Both dh and I work four days each - one day off we share at the weekend and the others are different, meaning we only need two days childcare as 5/7 days one or both of us is home.

We would need to be in pretty dire straits for me to be happy with us both working ft over 5 days...we've done it before and it was bloody miserable.

swingofthings · 01/12/2017 08:58

So the issue is really about childcare and your views of it. Isn't it something you discussed before having children, or at least after deciding to have a second one?

Do you have different views on this matter, ie. he thinks that kids in childcare do just fine? It's difficult because if you think FT childcare is bad for children, it's going to be difficult to convince you of the opposite and vice versa, so you need to strike the right balance.

Are you now working two full days + 2 evenings? Is that enough to bring in a bit more money that means you can put some aside? If not, could you work some week-ends too until your DD starts school and you can then go to 4 days?

Original poster
hidinginthenightgarden · 01/12/2017 08:59

@bluntness100 I am not already doing 4 days because when I returned to work after DD we agreed I would do part time- DH said two was enough and if we could afford it he would prefer me not to work. I said I don’t want to be at home full time I would start at 2 days and we can see what options come up. As of yet, I haven’t had the opportunity to do 4 days- that opportunity may be coming very soon which is what started the conversation.

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 01/12/2017 09:01

Clearly you need to work more hours. I agree with you, though, that if you do not actually need to work full time in order to be financially secure and build up savings, you shouldn't have to - and nor should your dh. Clearly your dh has no more intention of finding himself a more flexible job than you have of working full time, so it can hardly be argued you are the only one being inflexible! I don't care what anyone else thinks, I also wouldn't want young children in childcare from 8am-6pm every day unless I had to. You don't have to, so why do it? Four days a week is plenty, especially if your dh is not actually planning to take an equal hit in terms of taking time off work when his children are sick and of doing all other home-based tasks.

southeastdweller · 01/12/2017 09:02

YABVU here. And being selfish and entitled.

WitchesHatRim · 01/12/2017 09:03

It’s not that we can’t repair the machine by the way. It’s totally knackered and a new one is £250.

Struggling to find £250 to buy a new one is the same thing.

Stop trying to twist it.

You as a family can't afford for you not to work ft.