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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to try for DC5 in case it's a girl.

334 replies

wonder1ng · 30/11/2017 09:35

I'm 37, DH is 42 and we have 4 boys (7, 5 and non-identical twins just turned 3). So two in school now and the twins go to a nursery playgroup 9 - 12.15 on 3 mornings a week.

My AIBU is that I know DH would love a girl and he's now talking about going for DC5 as "you only live once." Obviously, he knows there are no guarantees, but he claims he would be happy with another boy anyway.

I feel conflicted about it because I'm just starting to get some time back now the twins are in playgroup. I worry if a fifth child would mean I'm spreading myself too thinly - e.g. when we go on holiday, I'd like to be able to do things with the boys we have rather than always being in the sideline "holding the baby." Also I worry about added financial pressure on DH with the school fees and everything else (though he claims it won't make much difference) and while I know some families who have 4 DC, I don't know any who have 5!

AIBU to say 5 DC might be a step too far and DH should just accept that he has 2 nieces and focus on them?!

OP posts:
thewisestoldelf · 30/11/2017 09:41

No I wouldn't try for a child in the hope that it might be a boy or a girl.

Sorry, OP, I think it's madness. Your DH needs to be happy with his 4 happy and healthy (I presume) boys

yummumto3girls · 30/11/2017 09:43

I think your children are all still young enough that it won’t make much difference with the age gaps. However, only you know whether you can cope with going back there again, I presume you stay at home? Everything becomes more expensive and trust me (read the other thread) teenagers are really expensive. Financially if you can afford it then that’s ok. 5 is an odd number - think holidays, rooms, flights, bedrooms.... if none of this causes a problem then I think the choice is yours!

Schlimbesserung · 30/11/2017 09:45

I think the only reason to have another baby is that you both really want one. If you don't both really want one, then don't do it. FWIW, I have 4 boys too, and the idea of starting again when I'm only just starting tog et my life back is really depressing.
YANBU, having a baby because someone else wants you to is bonkers!

lookingforthecorkscrew · 30/11/2017 09:45

I have a friend with five kids of similar ages to yours. Let me tell you, four kids is a lot but five is an absolute SHITLOAD. And if you’re the one doing the majority of the childcare it’s not fair on you to take on that additional al load just to satisfy a whim of your husband’s. My friend adores her five kids but in candid moments she expresses regret at spreading herself so thinly.

x2boys · 30/11/2017 09:49

And if you have another boy would he want to try for a sixth ,seventh ,eighth etc where would it end ? Unless you both desperately want another baby regardless of it being a boy or girl I wouldnt consider it.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/11/2017 09:51

It'd have to be because you both want a 5th child and not because he wants a girl.

SpringTown46 · 30/11/2017 09:54

Could you envisage twin boys again? Unless you are both in agreement then another pregnancy is a huge undertaking. What if you get him to discuss the impact on finances and family wellbeing for all of you (him, you, and children) and how he actually sees this? It sounds rather like rose-tinted glasses from him, leaving you to contemplate the actual reality.

SlowlyShrinking · 30/11/2017 09:56

Easy for him to say, not so easy for you to actually do, op.

Msqueen33 · 30/11/2017 09:56

I would have thought it’s likely you’d have another boy and possibly more twins. Do you want another child because I get the sense from your post you don’t. Personally I’d say no. He’s not the one doing the doing.

OnlyTheWelshCanCwtch · 30/11/2017 09:57

Only you can decide, but you've already had twins- a "5th" may end up "5th" and "6th" - and still no girls!

PatriciaHolm · 30/11/2017 10:03

So how would he genuinely feel if you had another set of boy twins?

Wanting a girl is no reason for having another. I'm guessing you are the one doing all the day to day childcare and he's the one out all week who gets the fun stuff at the weekends, right?

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/11/2017 10:03

Statistically speaking, your next baby is more likely to be a boy than a girl. Idk how it works. But that’s what I’ve read/heard. Ie the more of one sex you have, the more the likelihood that the next one will be of the same sex.

Do you want another child?

Original poster
wonder1ng · 30/11/2017 10:04

Thankyou. I'm very torn because on the one hand, another baby would seem relatively "easy" compared to the twins, but on the other, I wonder how I would cope when they run off in different directions, that kind of thing, and I've got the pushchair. Also, having to take the baby in school runs.

What happened was, when we had an early scan with the twins, they told us one was probably a girl and DH was over the moon. I don't know why he wants a girl so much. I've told him that if you have 4 boys already, the odds are that you'll have another one. He says he knows this, but I'm not sure.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 30/11/2017 10:05

My aunt had six boys in her attempt to get a girl. Sadly she miscarried the only girl she conceived.

Original poster
wonder1ng · 30/11/2017 10:09

He says to me we can get help in if I need it, but I find having someone else in the house more stress than it's worth to be honest. He doesn't get that though. He works very long hours as well.

I was in the hairdressers with the 4 boys the other day and people were already looking at me with Hmm expressions. I think some people think it's irresponsible to have too many DC.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 30/11/2017 10:11

This isn't a nice thing to think about, but one thing I consider is how many children I reckon I could handle by myself if need be for whatever reason. Four is already tough, but you'd be looking at five, maybe six.

TheFishInThePot · 30/11/2017 10:11

he's now talking about going for DC5 as "you only live once."

YOU only live once too. I think you're right about wanting to enjoy the boys you have.

HeartburnCentral · 30/11/2017 10:14

From a stats point of view: If you had spontaneous twins last time you have a 1 in 5 (20%) chance of having another set of didi twins. If you were to have another set of twins, the rough stat chances are 25%(both boys)-25% (both girls)-50%(1 boy&1 girl). If you were to have identical twins, they would most probably be same sex (Id b/g twins are very rare) If you have one baby there's a 50/50 chance of a girl. You also need to decide if you want another baby- you sound doubtful.

Shen0102 · 30/11/2017 10:14

You could look at other options like adoption? At least then it's guaranteed.

BrutusMcDogface · 30/11/2017 10:14

Don't do it! It doesn't sound like you want to, and you absolutely would be the one doing all the hard work.

PatriciaHolm · 30/11/2017 10:15

"He works very long hours"

Yep. Course he does. So he has zero idea what looking after 4, 5 Children is really like. He wants you to do it all again on the off chance he gets his girl, but won't actually be doing 90% of the work!

haba · 30/11/2017 10:16

Dearie me, I know a couple that finally got their girl on baby 8! [Weeps]
Four lovely boys though... sounds fab. Smile

SlowlyShrinking · 30/11/2017 10:16

I didn’t know there was such a thing as b/g identical twins Heartburn is that possible?

tccat · 30/11/2017 10:17

It's a difficult one, I have six children, five boys and one girl, girl being the youngest, however I was an only child and hated it so always wanted a big family
I don't think he's being truthful in that he would be happy if he had another boy , it isn't something you can compromise on, you both have to be sure you want another child for the right reasons

HeartburnCentral · 30/11/2017 10:17

I was in the hairdressers with the 4 boys the other day and people were already looking at me with hmm expressions Hmm. I think some people think it's irresponsible to have too many DC.
Ignore other people's ignorance. It is non of their business. Trust your own judgement.