DH wants to try for DC5 in case it's a girl.

[wonder1ng]

I'm 37, DH is 42 and we have 4 boys (7, 5 and non-identical twins just turned 3). So two in school now and the twins go to a nursery playgroup 9 - 12.15 on 3 mornings a week.

My AIBU is that I know DH would love a girl and he's now talking about going for DC5 as "you only live once." Obviously, he knows there are no guarantees, but he claims he would be happy with another boy anyway.

I feel conflicted about it because I'm just starting to get some time back now the twins are in playgroup. I worry if a fifth child would mean I'm spreading myself too thinly - e.g. when we go on holiday, I'd like to be able to do things with the boys we have rather than always being in the sideline "holding the baby." Also I worry about added financial pressure on DH with the school fees and everything else (though he claims it won't make much difference) and while I know some families who have 4 DC, I don't know any who have 5!

AIBU to say 5 DC might be a step too far and DH should just accept that he has 2 nieces and focus on them?!

[MycatsaPirate]

A couple across the road from us have five children, ages 6, 5, 3, 16m and 3m. How they manage I don't know.

Recently their baby had to go into hospital with breathing problems, mum went in with her. Three days later mum had to come home as she was feeling ill and dad went in to be with the baby. I watched the other kids while my dp drove them back and forward from hospital.

The following day mum collapsed and was taken into hospital by ambulance and another neighbour and I were left with 4 children, two to get to school several miles away (mum normally takes all five on the bus!!) and the two youngest. A friend of mum came and picked up the two oldest and then my other neighbour had to go to work so I was left with the children at home until the other friend came back. We worked our way through a mountain of washing and washing up which had accumulated because their lives had been turned upside down. Dad is self employed so was losing money, mum ended up being kept in for surgery and it took three neighbours and a whole bunch of their relatives to keep everything going.

Both mum and baby are thankfully fine and both at home again but it really was tough for the parents worrying about both being in the hospital while they had four children at home.

On the other hand I have a friend who has had six boys and was finished. She was booked in for surgery to have her gall bladder sorted but they found out she was pregnant at her pre op assessment. She had a girl. She says that the one girl she has is more work than her six boys together!

I have girls. I would have loved a boy too but I stopped at two. I just wouldn't be able to afford the time or money for more children.

You are just getting some time back for yourself. I would say no, enough. Be grateful for what you have and enjoy your boys and enjoy them growing up. Once they hit the teen years you'll be spending your entire lives ferrying them about to various places and it really is a headache if your dh is away.

[Linning]

I don't think you should have a fifth child.

You don't seem to want one at all which is totally understandable and I can't see it benefiting your four other children tbh. The only one that will be benefiting from all of this will be your DH (if he does get his girl) and it seems like he will have the benefits of what he wants without really experiencing the downsides of running a house with 5 kids as he will be out of the door most of the time while you deal with it all.

You would be mad to have another one under these conditions and I do think you would resent him if you end up with a 5th that happen to be a boy as you obviously don't really want that child and it will all kind of have been in vain (no doubts you would love this child as well but I don't think you or him would consider a 5th child if you were guaranteed to have a boy so on that basis only I would not TTC number 5).

As one of 4 siblings I would have found my parents to be extremely selfish to try and have a fifth child. I love my siblings but god knows life would have been much easier had we not been so many. My parents would have had more time for us each, more money and we would have had more support when we needed it. I think my brothers and I all feel like we've missed out somehow. We wouldn't wish each other away but are very conscious that life would have been different (probably better) had my mum sticked to less children. The idea of my parents having number 5 probably would have been our idea of hell and I do feel we would have resented her somehow. Having a lot of children rarely benefit the children that are already there in my opinion and it's more about selfishly giving in to the feeling of broodiness a lot of women experience.


For what it's worth, I am the only girl out of 3 boys and I am almost no contact with my family. I was never close to my mom (talk to her once every couple of months nowadays) and I am fully no-contact with my biological dad. I am not sure if they had an idealized idea of what life would be like having a girl but children are individuals. Some personalities match and others don't. I would seriously question what he was looking for in a girl that he can't have with his 4 boys (and hope he wouldn't come back with gender-biased stereotypes) but he is risking being bitterly disappointed and I am also worried he would start favouring the girl over the boys making them feel like second best.

Overall don't do it, wanting a girl isn't good enough reason to have a child.

[WomblingThree]

I love his idea of no contraception and “see what happens”. He does understand how conception works right? What will happen is you will get pregnant with a baby you don’t particularly want and he will carry on leaving you to do everything.

[FizzyGreenWater]

I would say to him that you'll only consider it if HE changes his life to accommodate.

Easy for Mr. Travel with Work, Mr. Networking to say it won't make any difference.

It will set you back three years in terms of moving out of the baby stage - nearer 4 actually.

Maybe he likes it that way...

Bottom line is, you don't really want another baby so don't have one. But I'd make him think by telling him that if HE wants another baby, then it would REQUIRE him to:

• go part time for the first year;
  
• change jobs to a 9-5, permanently - or, no more 'networking' (ha!) - he does hours and he comes home to deal with the children
  
• no more overseas travel except on rare occasions
  
• you will be going back to work at some point before the youngest would be in pre-school and you plan then to hand over to him - he can do what you've spent the last 8-9 years doing, because you've done your stint.
  

And it might be a boy...

I don't think he'll take you up on that one.

[ArcheryAnnie]

I think getting pregnant in the hope of having a specific type of baby is nuts, and him saying that he'd settle for a boy if a boy was born is not really good enough.

He's not the one who'd have to carry it for nine months, and then look after it through childhood, from what you've said already. And five kids is a lot of kids, and means that the time (and resources) you have now and in the future will be spread ever thinner.

It's your choice in the end, as your body, but I wouldn't do it.

[nolongersurprised]

I have 4 DC and most of the time it’s busy but under control. 5 somehow feels like a whole new ballgame but I accept that there are many parents who don’t find it too much harder. For people with 1-2 I’m sure 4 sounds like loads but that’s how I feel about 5.


What do you do now when one of them is sick? Who changes the vomit sheets and stays up with the sick one? Would your DH take the day off work to look after the other 4 if you were up all night with 1? If you were breastfeeding all night would your DH sort out the boys for school/preschool?

How are trips to the shops, hair cuts, dentist appointments?

If the new baby had significant physical medical issues or an intellectual disability, how would your family accommodate the new baby’s additional needs?

[listsandbudgets]

My aunt had seven children for this reason. The seventh was a boy the other six were girls. She often wished in her more candid moments that she'd stuck at 3 or 4

[listsandbudgets]

Oh and eventaully they bought a small mini bus to solve the transport situation!!

[MadMumToThree]

We had 2 beautiful perfect sons when we agreed to try for a daughter - we had a daughter - who has severe cerebral palsy.

We love her dearly but it is hard work and has been for the last 24 years, and will continue to be for. Hopefully many more years.

Be grateful for what you have.

[hereitis]

networking rofl.
I am a fifth dc myself so a little biased in favour of larger families generally. But I would not do it in your case. How would #5 feel when they turn out to be a boy, and it's pretty obvious why they were conceived? It sounds like you have a great family. You don't need to spread yourself any thiner, it won't benefit your dcs at all.

[123dawn]

I have five children - my fifth (DS4) was born when the other children were 11 (DS1), 9 (DS2), 7 (DD) and 5 (DS3). I haven't regretted having a fifth for a moment. I love being back in the baby days, and the older children all adore the baby. We have been on holidays with all five, and while there is a certain element of one of us having to hold the baby, there's no reason why it has to be you - your DH could take turns holding the baby while you do activities with the older boys.

Like you, had I been able to choose the sex of the fifth child, I'd have chosen a girl - simply for reasons of balancing the family as we only have one DD rather than any preference for girls. He was a boy (I worked it out from the 12 week scan and found out for sure at the 20 week scan) and we are besotted with him.

I know lots of families with four children, none with five (apart from us) and one with six. It's unusual, and certainly not for everyone, but it works for us.

[TimothyTaylor]

I don't think longing for a child of one sex is healthy. I would worry that your DH has an idealised notion of what a little girl should be - a fluffy pink princess to care for him in his dotage?!

5 children is really a lot OP. I have 3 and people refer to us as a big family.

Your body, you get final say on procreation.

[GladysKnight]

I always find it odd when childless people are accused of being selfish. Your dh sems a prime illustration of someone wanting a child for extremely selfish reasons.

Your body your life your choice. ( and choosing to give your husband something he imagines will please him even though it sounds like a fantasy on his part - well that 's not really you choosing, is it? Where is your voice? Does what he wants usually dictate what you want?)

[ReanimatedSGB]

Tell him: no more discussion for the moment. You are not willing to have another baby and that's the end of the matter until you decide otherwise. You have the final say because you are the one who will be carrying and birthing the baby.

Also, he sounds like a creepy selfish fucker as it is - wanting a daddy's little princess generally means dodgy ideas about gender roles. And the impact on your existing DC wouldn't be very good, either.

[RhiannonOHara]

I always find it odd when childless people are accused of being selfish. Your dh sems a prime illustration of someone wanting a child for extremely selfish reasons.

Yes, me too.

[GladysKnight]

Amd yes, Timothy is right. He has a preconception of what a girl is. Until his daughter was here, were he to have one, he can have NO idea how, who or what she was going to be. I'd worry awfully that she'd be a disappointment to him. What is he really missing in his life? It's up to him to fix that, not the job of a baby.

[PrimalLass]

I've told him girls can be total hell-raisers, but he just kind of smiles and nods.

Mine is. She's fab but v hard work.

[wonder1ng]

Thankyou for all this and for taking the time to reply.
DH's brother has 2 girls who DH adores. Every time they come they've made us cards or biscuits and on Saturday I was just watching his face when he was talking to them. I suppose I would feel a bit guilty not giving it a chance. I don't know why he feels the way he does and I'm not sure he knows either. I don't doubt that he loves the boys, but I don't think you can have a baby with too many preconceptions and I worry this would be the case for him.

[MikeUniformMike]

If people don't have children, mind your own business. I know lovely couples who would have loved children, and suffered multiple miscarriages and failed IVF attempts, who get told they are selfish for not wanting any. That is so cruel.

[user1471596238]

I totally appreciate that adoption is not an option that works for everyone but that is one option that would provide a choice over whether you had a boy or a girl.

[BarbarianMum]

Cards and biscuits eh? No boy has ever made those.

[RhiannonOHara]

I know, Barbarian, right?

OP, your DH seems to have a fairly... traditional view of what girls are like and what boys are like.

Would you want to have a girl and have him pass that view on to her? And how is it going with the existing children and their ideas about gender roles?

[HeartburnCentral]

bananafish818 It must be slightly frustrating that they can test for all those conditions and they won't tell you the sex! It's heartbreaking to have come so far in the IVF process and discover there's a complication. I hope it works out for you.
I was reading about genetics in twins recently , it's fascinating. I don't know anything about Turner's Syndrome but remembered the link with id b/g twins from seeing a post from a twin mum on another forum about her DC. I think she got a DNA test done after they were born.

[LoniceraJaponica]

"Op don't let him use you as a brood mare."

My thoughts as well
How hands on is your husband now? He would have to be even more hands on with another baby in the mix regardless of sex and you will have to buy a minibus

[NewMinouMinou]

Fizzy’s terms and conditions are great, but, OP, would Your DH stick to them? Once #5 is here and DH backs out, it’s not like you get a refund or you can send the baby back...

Also, if it is a girl, who says she’ll bake biscuits and be all fluffy? DD (8) is an unholy terror. There’s a darkness to her that’s hard to explain...you can imagine her in one of those documentaries on Mafia wives, the ones who take over the reins when their husband’s “gone away”.

Plus, despite her diminutive size and angelic looks, she has a voice and a laugh that sounds like a drain being sandblasted.

“ was annoying me on the twizzler today...”
“What did you do about it?”
“Ah FAHTED on him! Naaaahhghghahahahaaahhhh”

Baking biscuits for uncle? No chance. Air biscuits maybe...