DH wants to try for DC5 in case it's a girl.

[wonder1ng]

I'm 37, DH is 42 and we have 4 boys (7, 5 and non-identical twins just turned 3). So two in school now and the twins go to a nursery playgroup 9 - 12.15 on 3 mornings a week.

My AIBU is that I know DH would love a girl and he's now talking about going for DC5 as "you only live once." Obviously, he knows there are no guarantees, but he claims he would be happy with another boy anyway.

I feel conflicted about it because I'm just starting to get some time back now the twins are in playgroup. I worry if a fifth child would mean I'm spreading myself too thinly - e.g. when we go on holiday, I'd like to be able to do things with the boys we have rather than always being in the sideline "holding the baby." Also I worry about added financial pressure on DH with the school fees and everything else (though he claims it won't make much difference) and while I know some families who have 4 DC, I don't know any who have 5!

AIBU to say 5 DC might be a step too far and DH should just accept that he has 2 nieces and focus on them?!

[drspouse]

I love spas but my mum hates them.
We don't like the same shops either and I vastly prefer shopping on my own anyway.

[NewRoadToHappinessxx]

We have 5 children 2 Singleton boys, non ID twin boys who are 5 and their little sister who is 3 xx

Just saying 😬😂

[FizzyGreenWater]

You are trying your hardest to be diplomatic here but your 'exhausting' husband is just sounding more and more like a selfish bully with every post.

'Shopping and spas'?!

He'd be a terrible father to a girl. Because everything has to be his way. Not just things, but people and what they want. Your version of 'you only live once' has to be HIS version (five kids, instead of finally being free of nappies and broken nights). What you look forward to has to be what he wants. Otherwise he will nag and nag. What your hypothetical daughter would be would have to be what he imagines, or he will not like it. His family his world his chocolate box picture. Read TooManyPaws post again. He'd be an awful father to a girl.

Telling your husband a simple 'no' and meaning it could be the best thing you ever do for your future relationship. I'd be interested to hear what his reaction would be, too. You maintain he's a good guy really. Tell him NO, I don't want to and I'd like you to respect that after FOUR children. I'd be interested to see if he did show respect for your decision.

[Tomselleckhaskindeyes]

My grannie wanted a girl ended with 5 boys! Also you might not end up with 5 children but with 6 as you might end up with another set of twins! (I have twins)

[BrutusMcDogface]

I can't believe you're still umming and ahing over this!

Your op looked quite clearly as if you were against having another child, but maybe deep down you do actually want one more?

I would advise against it for all the reasons already outlined on this thread, but obviously the decision is yours alone.

[ElephantsandTigers]

A previous post has just reminded me of what happened with my Nana. She had four older brothers. She is the youngest. No idea whether they kept going to get a girl or just wanted five kids. Her mum was a bitch to her and she was much closer to her father who treated her beautifully. It was him that sat by her hospital bed for weeks and weeks when she was ill. My nana then had two boys and was thrilled I was born, a first grand daughter. She still said no when I needed a home though.

Life is not a chocolate box of happy moments.

[Susu88]

From a completly different prospective (own experience) I have 3 boys 3,4,5 it's np problem having 4 or 5 kids but to keep trying for a girl isn't fair on you. It's your body that has the strain of pregnancy, child birth, juggling every day Affairs etc. My husband walked out on us almost 3 years ago so like I said from a logical perspective as people can up and leave should they decide. Could you raise 5 children on your own? If that was the worst case scenario? There's a lot of things to consider like getting your free time back, doing things you want to do and enjoy, hobbies.

[PidgeonSpray]

Don't do it.

[givemesteel]

If you were to consider this I would opt for gender selection ivf in a country where it is legal (eg the US), as if you were to have a 5th and it was a boy(s) I think he'd be tempted to never stop and want a 6th etc.

But ivf is obviously gruelling for you and you'd never be able to tell your children (as for the twins especially they'd know their dad would really have preferred them to be girls).

It's not unnatural to want both of each sex but you shouldn't be pressured into something of this scale if it's not want you want.

[wonder1ng]

Thankyou. I'm not sure I want to be hitting 40 and still in the toddler stage. It's ok if you start later, but it's harder when it's your fifth. As to could I manage on my own, well I would if I had to. I would be fine financially and practically, it's the emotional support I would miss.

Anyway, I told him last night about how I felt and he basically said that my health matters more than anything, but give it a few months and see how I feel then. He said sorry if he's made me feel pressured, he was just being honest about how he felt, but he doesn't want me to be stressed either. He did ask me if I'm going through a "confidence crisis" . I said no I'm not, I am thinking realistically.

Thanks to everyone for all the comments because it's been very helpful indeed.

[notgivingin789]

I’m not sure about other people. But life isn’t all about having kids after kids after kids after kids. Don’t you want a life of your own ? Enjoy the 4 DC’s you have already. Your lucky to even have 4DC’s anyway.

Go on adventures, be happy to see them grow up. Do something for you... pick up a new hobby, go back to study, meet new people.

[OliviaBenson]

So you said no.....and he says give it a couple of months.

Then he try's to make out you are having a confidence crisis?

He's very manipulative. He's not listening to you is he?

[LoniceraJaponica]

I'm glad you said that notgiving. I sometimes think that some women feel defined by being a mother and can't see a life beyond that.

[NameChange30]

What Olivia said.

[LordSugarWillSeeYouNow]

A family near me were the opposite and had 4 girls varying in age from late teens to pre school age and accidentally! became pg and had a boy. She was convinced it would be another girl, took it in her stride ( god only knows how ) and this year had her 6th, another boy.

I think as pp have said, if it's to satisfy the chance of having a girl then it's not the right reason. If dc4 had been a girl, do you think your dh would still want a 5th?

I have 2 and wonder how people cope with lots of dc but that's just me.
My dbro and exsil had 2 girls and he was desperate for a boy and dc3 was indeed a boy, same as his twin, yes they got 2!

Good luck whatever you decide to do op.

[timeisnotaline]

Maybe you should go away for a week to give him an idea of what's needed to support you through a 5th pregnancy?

[gingergenius]

No. You either want another child or you don't. I'm a single parent of three. It's hard. Bollocks to sex segregation. My 3rd child wasn't planned. I have 2 boys prior. My ex wanted me to abort because I was 39 and he wasn't sure what sex it was.

By the third me my 20 week scan came along I didn't give a flying fuck what sex my baby was. I would have loved a girl. As it happens, I got one. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Apart from death. And taxes.

[notgivingin789]

Agree loni. I think some parents forget that soon, their children will have a life of their own. So what happens then ? Would they soon resent their child because they have practically given up their “lives” to raise them ?

Children are not accessories... or a warped fantasy of having a little mini me... they are human beings, with separate wants, needs, desires.

OP, have you ever thought about the prospect that the relationship between yourself and your partner may break down, and you become a single parent to 5 DC’s ? Not to discredit single parents who have this number of children. You are awesome. But OP, it’s very easy for men to leave all the child bearing to the mothers and live a life as a single lad.

Please, think carefully about this.

[Mxyzptlk]

I feel really guilty or as if I'm depriving him of a chance.

Does your DH feel guilty about wanting to deprive you of the chance to get your life back for several more years?

What does he mean "confidence crisis"? He thinks you can manage to produce and look after a 5th (or 5th and 6th) just fine but you're not keen so it must be because you doubt your ability?

As said, he's not listening to you.

[123bananas]

When I was growing up at my school there was a family with 12 girls. They kept trying for a boy. 13 and 14 were twin girls. They tried one last time, 15 was a boy.

If you want a fifth child, go ahead but make it be about what you want as the main care giver.

[KhalliWali]

If you've got a spare $10k, you could do gender selection in the US. It would be cheaper (and more environmentally-friendly) than keep churning out boys in the hope of getting a girl, or visa versa.

[Jennifer2r]

I'd be absolutely furious at that response.

You clearly told him no, and he's disregarded it (wait a few months) as if yii don't know your own mind. And then asked if you're having a confidence crisis, as if you can't cope with the children, instead of all the really valid and good reasons you have for not wanting another.

[Jennifer2r]

I will say that kind of attitude is typical of most of the exec directors I know. They get where they are by not accepting other peoples objections to their plans.

[Cambionome]

I think you need to learn to stand up for yourself a bit more and also maybe start working towards a more equal marriage.

You are allowing yourself to be steamrollered into something that you don't really want (for very good reasons) and if you do manage to hold out against his pressure you will struggle with guilt. You need to start prioritising your own health and happiness.