DH wants to try for DC5 in case it's a girl.

[wonder1ng]

I'm 37, DH is 42 and we have 4 boys (7, 5 and non-identical twins just turned 3). So two in school now and the twins go to a nursery playgroup 9 - 12.15 on 3 mornings a week.

My AIBU is that I know DH would love a girl and he's now talking about going for DC5 as "you only live once." Obviously, he knows there are no guarantees, but he claims he would be happy with another boy anyway.

I feel conflicted about it because I'm just starting to get some time back now the twins are in playgroup. I worry if a fifth child would mean I'm spreading myself too thinly - e.g. when we go on holiday, I'd like to be able to do things with the boys we have rather than always being in the sideline "holding the baby." Also I worry about added financial pressure on DH with the school fees and everything else (though he claims it won't make much difference) and while I know some families who have 4 DC, I don't know any who have 5!

AIBU to say 5 DC might be a step too far and DH should just accept that he has 2 nieces and focus on them?!

[Aeroflotgirl]

If you both want another baby do, but it sounds as though you don't, want then the most sensible thing would be to not have another. Enjoy your lovely boys and your freedom.

[sashh]

He said yes, he knows this, but wouldn't it be lovely to have a girl, he's always wanted a girl and I'm such a great mum, etc.

My parents wanted a girl. My father's parents had wanted a girl but had three boys, so a granddaughter was really wanted.

I'm not the girl any of them really wanted.

I'm the one with the motorbike licence who hated clothes shopping and 90% of the time wears black.

What if you do have a girl and she is not the girl your dh wants?

What if you have twins, or triplets?

Why does he want a girl?

[wonder1ng]

I do worry about being spread too thinly between the boys. I don't think life gets easier necessarily once they're in school because then your life is dictated by the homework. The twins are still very full-on. They would never sit in the pushchair and this kind of thing. I'm lucky they do all play together reasonably well though. They are all very physically tiring and we live in London so it's not like I can throw the doors open and let them loose. DH is less anxious with the kids than I am and he's got more physical energy than I have.
Barbarian - I know what you mean, but this is the kind of thing he will say.

[MargaretCavendish]

I would be quite happy to adopt actually, but not sure about him.

To be absolutely clear, there is absolutely no way that you're going to be able to adopt either domestically or through any reputable foreign adoption route if you insist you only want a girl. If you adopt domestically then you're also incredibly unlikely to get a baby (as opposed to an older child) and a child with no known disabilities.

No wonder people keep asking me why I don't 'just adopt' when people think you can just go pick up an adoptive baby that meets your specification like you're picking toys off a shelf!

[Whatsoccuringlovely]

Barbarian

But that can work well the other way as they have mire siblings to interact with and more help, love and support from more people.

Anyway leaving the thread now as these judge comments are making me angry and sad.

Having a big family can be awesome. Each child is cherished and loved, for themselves.

At least when you see big families please keep your ignorant comments to yourselves. We have had a few tuts and we could laugh it off as we are a strong unit.

Two of our lads are married abs dads and have made awesome husbands abs dads because mummy didn’t spoil them with endless attention they had chores to do and responsibilities as did the girls.

[BarbarianMum]

Yes of course it can Whats But there is only 1 of the OP to go round, these children have each other but only 1 mum. Its fine for the OP to want to spend x amount of time with each (plus x on herself) and worry about not having that.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"when we go on holiday, I'd like to be able to do things with the boys we have rather than always being in the sideline "holding the baby." "

That jumped out at me.

Why are you always on the sideline? Why didn't he hold the babies while you played with the older boys?

[MargaretCavendish]

Would gender selection IVF abroad be an option for you at all? Someone I know who has 4 boys in the same pattern as you (2 boys then twin boys) was desperate for a girl and went abroad to have gender selection and is now having a girl.

People can make their own decisions but I think you'd have to be completely mad (and unhealthily obsessed) to have IVF when you have no problem conceiving just so you can have your chosen sex of child. Have a look at the stories of couple who go through IVF, and the physical, mental and logistical hardships of it (some of which are increased by going abroad). Some people who desperately want children decide it's too much for them. Doing it with four little ones for such a trivial reason might be a very quickly regretted decision.

[bananafish81]

Cyprus and the US do sex selection for family balancing. It's illegal in the UK.

As someone who's been through multiple (failed) rounds of IVF I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy if there was any choice not to have it

Also with 4 children already even if you did your stimulation locally and only went abroad for egg collection, to have sex selection you'd have to have two trips abroad. You'd have multiple scans and bloods during stims, you'd have to book flights at short notice to fly out for egg collection (or alternatively go abroad for the whole 2.5 weeks to have your stims monitoring locally). To have sex selection you'd then have the embryos frozen after egg collection, return home, wait for the results, and fly back out a month or so later for transfer. And that's if it works.

That's thousands and thousands and thousands of pounds and enormous upheaval just to have a girl shaped baby

And you could go through all of that and find all of the normal embryos that pass the testing are female and you have nothing to transfer. So the whole thing has been a waste of time if the whole purpose is to have a girl

If all 4 of your kids are boys, and the sex of the embryo is determined by the sperm, what's to say the XY sperm won't all fertilise the eggs

Infertile couples, or those with inherited genetic conditions who have to have generic through the gruelling nature of IVF because we have no choice.

I would never ever go through the ordeal of IVF if I didn't have to

[Ttbb]

Unless he gets a nanny you would be bonkers for having another unless you are absolutely desperate for a fith child.

[wonder1ng]

I do think he has some kind of idealised image of a daughter and I've told him girls can be total hell-raisers, but he just kind of smiles and nods.
Also, if this doesn't sound too vain, it took me two years to get my body back after the twins and I quite like being able to buy clothes I like again, that kind of thing.
People say that they know when they're "done" with DC though and I haven't had that decisive feeling yet. I would like a daughter because I can feel a bit outnumbered in this house at times, but I don't think it's as straightforward as DH seems to think it is and I don't want to feel pressured at this stage.

[DailyMaileatmyshit]

Can you give the 4 you have individual time?

That's what I found hardest growing up. I was the eldest of 5 and it was horrible. As the eldest I always seen as being most self sufficient and able to cope. I'd often be left in terms of not having one to one time with my parents, there was always a toddler or baby there as well. I felt very lonely.

After the littlies were in bed my mum was just too knackered.

I have brought this up with my mum since. She has a very different take on it and cannot see it from my perspective at all. But our relationship now is poor as a result.

Think very very carefully.

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

NFW would I be having a baby with a partner so obsessed with the idea of having a particular sex, especially not with existing children of the other sex.

It's usually about an essentially narcissistic idea/ideal held by the parent and betrays a lack of self-awareness that doesn't bode well for when the baby is born. Whether it's the 'right' sex or not, the potential for treatment of that child and the others that is utlimately harmful to all the children is high.
I'd be concerned about what this obsession says about him. (But then I've never got these intense preferences and 'gender disappointment' some people seem to have. I think it's a failing, a human failing, but a failing nonetheless and its indulgence is not desirable).

Plus, with so many dc already, you definitely don't want to be having another unless you are wholeheartedly behind it.

[QueenOfTheAndals]

It's usually about an essentially narcissistic idea/ideal held by the parent and betrays a lack of self-awareness that doesn't bode well for when the baby is born.

Yes to that. What does your DH think he will get out of having a girl that he doesn't from his 4 boys? Does he have some sort of outdated notion of what little girls are like? And if you do have a girl and she doesn't live up to those, what then?

[LostInTheTunnelOfGoats]

Your DH sounds a bit odd in his obsession with having a girl. He's not listening to you or engaging with reality at all,is he? As PP have said, what if he ends up with the most non girly daughter ever? He doesn't want a girl, he wants a daddy's little princess doll.

Also it'll be obvious to your younger sons that they were the gap fillers before the girl.

[MikeUniformMike]

A girl with 4 (or 5) older brothers and a doting dad will be spoilt rotten.
Be grateful for your 4 lovely boys.
Still, you could have another one or two.

[QueenAravisOfArchenland]

I know what you mean, but this is the kind of thing he will say.

So what? YOU seem uncertain at best about the prospect of a 5th child, it's YOUR body and YOU would be raising it.
What concerns me about this scenario is not the should you or shouldn't you, will it be a girl but the fact that you seem quite beaten down by him. It seems like you feel like you have to come up with a "good enough" reason, one he accepts, or else you might "have to" have a 5th child whether you want to or not. When in fact "I don't want to"/"I'm not sure" is a complete and definitive answer.

I really don't like the way he's pushing this discussion on you on top of the fact he isn't actually the one doing the raising of the 4 he already has.

[Viviennemary]

I think four DC's is more than enough for anybody. But unless you are both absolutely committed to having another child when you already have four I'd say no.

[RhiannonOHara]

He works very long hours

Yep. Course he does. So he has zero idea what looking after 4, 5 Children is really like. He wants you to do it all again on the off chance he gets his girl, but won't actually be doing 90% of the work!

This exactly. Tell him if he starts doing some of the shitwork his opinion will be worth more.

[HeartburnCentral]

To those asking about ID b/g twins (ignoring the sneering from some ). It is very rare but there have been proven cases few and far between apparently. It is explained here briefly.

"A twin boy and girl may be identical, according to a study found on NCBI, although this situation is very rare. Usually identical twins share the same gender: they are either a pair or boys or girls. In rare instances, however, identical twins form from an egg and sperm that begin as males (sharing XY chromosomes) then change to become a male and female pair. This occurs when one half of the split fertilized egg loses a copy of its genetically encoded Y chromosome. This error generally happens early on the pregnancy. The babies that form include one defined male, who has the proper XY chromosomes required to create male reproductive systems and traits, and a female with XO chromosomes. Although categorized as female, the girl in the dual-sex pair exhibits outward traits of the female gender but carries only one copy of the X chromosome, rather than the XX chromosome used by biologists to classify females as such. Furthermore, the female child often lacks the hormones needed to grow properly and reproduce; as a result, she will be much shorter than the male and lack proper ovarian development. The official term for this condition is Turner Syndrome. It is quite rare and affects very few pairs of twins."

[wonder1ng]

He is quite suited to the boys we have because they all like certain sports. So on Saturday mornings, he takes the older two to the tag-rugby and also takes the twins and occupies them there, so I can have a bath in a quiet house. In the week, he's not in until 7.30 earliest, often later if he's networking or something. He is also away a fair bit with work, so he does try and do stuff with them when he can.
What I mean by "standing on the sidelines" is that it's hard to say to DS1 that I can't watch his match as it's too cold for the baby. Or if you go on holiday, you can't just hang out at the pool all afternoon because it's too hot for the baby, that kind of thing.

[bananafish81]

@HeartburnCentral interest! Turner syndrome itself is not a massively uncommon aneuploidy, but these embryos will usually fail to implant or miscarry, very unlikely to go to term. We had genetic testing on our embryos (and don't know the sex because it's illegal in the UK) and one of the aneuploid embryos had Monosomy X, which is Turner Syndrome

[somanyusernames]

it doesn't sound like your heart is in it wonder1ng. I agree with the posters that have said you'd both have to have that gut feel that you want another baby, regardless of gender.

fwiw, i've got 2, I don't have that decisive feeling i'm done either and based on my friends, none of us have really known we've had our last one but life moves on, and it gradually dawns on you that you are done, although of course it is different for everyone.

I also agree that I wouldn't have more DC than I would want to cope with on my own, as you never know what's around the corner.

Your DH sounds like the sort that can push relentlessly for what he wants (as most successful people are) but that's because his gut is obviously in wanting a girl. He really needs to think about how he's going to feel if boy number 5 appears, you are struggling to cope etc.

I know what you mean about hiring help too, it's never the same and not of much help. A chance to be judged in your own home!

[Annelind]

Op don't let him use you as a brood mare. I feel you don't actually want another child. Another boy? Baby 5, 6, 7.......all boys......

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I brought up five kids as a single parent. It's doable. But what if it's boy twins again? Your age means you're more likely to have twins again...could you manage six?